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Here’s The Truth About Being A ‘Player’ – The Sad, Emotionally Stunted Reality Of Your Fantasy

by Visko Matich · Jun 18, 2017

truth about being a player

IT WAS A sobering moment when I befriended guys who ‘got laid all the time.’ I had formed an idea of who I wanted to be in my mind, an idea that was based around how I wished to behave, the results I wanted to get, and the way people would react to me. This idea, to my mind, would prevent me from feeling what I felt at the time; loneliness, sadness, and shame.

Based on what I felt was lacking within me, this idea took root in the real world as a ‘player’. A guy who got all the girls, and was capable of getting the validation I emotionally needed at the time. For a long time, it was my ultimate fantasy.

Eventually, it came to be something that I outgrew. And a lot of (read: all) the things I learned along the way ended up on this blog and in my Complete Dating Course. (Which is 8-hours of video lessons and exercise goodness, alright, alright back to the article).

The truth was that like any fantasy when it came to my idea of the ‘player’ – reality had its ugly way with it. 

THE PLAYER

I was sat in a hostel in South East Asia, talking with a guy who had an exceptional ability with women. When we went out, he’d almost always bring one home. He’d talk to them in bars, the club, the street, everywhere. When I asked him about his life, he always had stories littered with women. In fact, it seemed his stories never ran out. He’d experienced everything.

But despite this, something always seemed off.

Halfway through his latest story, probably about some South American threesome, or that stripper he took home, I asked him if he’d ever had a long-term relationship. He said he had, then continued on with a story, probably about an air hostess. He was smiling and happy, but his body language screamed at me that he had avoided the question. So later I asked him again.

And I noticed a pattern.

When he talked about his Ex, it was stories about how she wasn’t over him, how whenever he went home she would jump at the chance to make herself available, how he felt sorry for her and sorry for the guy she was with. When he talked about his Ex, he made a point of illustrating how she knew she had lost out, because, clearly, he was such a great guy.

It was a pattern of details, of attention; where he always seemed to find a way to illustrate how desirable he was, and how hopeless women were without him. And it didn’t just pervade the stories of his ex, I came to realize it occurred in every story he told and everything he did.

It was one of those points in a conversation where the connection between you breaks, and you realize, despite the apparent similarities, that this is someone who is different to you on a fundamental level. He needed me to know his Ex regretted losing him. He needed girls to want to sleep with him and he needed me to know girls wanted to sleep with him. Because, at the base of it all, he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to himself. He needed all these things.

He was consumed by his need for validation.

THE NEED FOR EMOTIONAL VALIDATION

Despite the attention he got, the lifestyle he had, and the confidence he walked around with – there was something oddly hollow about him, something pitiable. I saw in him everything external that I wanted, but at the same time, nothing that I wanted internally. He was a man at once propelled by his confidence and ability, whilst at the same time, stunted by his malformed emotional needs, which he constantly had to placate with validation. Inside, he was just as needy as I was when I had started. He was just as needy as a guy who couldn’t get laid.*

Despite his results, he was everything I was trying to run away from.

Befriending guys like this, I eventually became disillusioned with my fantasy. The reality wasn’t a life I wanted, and it was a life that seemed to trap a lot of men. No ‘player’ seemed to have made it out the other side. Far from being immune to the pains that had driven me to seek validation from women, these men had been consumed by it. But what’s worse is that whilst they got laid all the time, they never, ever got the kind of girl who was impressive in her own right (confident, self-assured, and with her shit together). Instead, they had just become really good at gaming emotionally needy women. Because they were so emotionally stunted, all they could attract were emotionally stunted women.*

Both of them, locked in some need for validation from one another.

Right before my eyes, the James Bond fantasy became unmasked like some Scooby Doo episode as the babyish, emotionally immature fantasy that it always was. It turned out to be a life I didn’t want; and more importantly, a weak man that I never wanted to become. 

THE REALITY OF MOST ‘PLAYERS’

A lot of guys find it hard to move beyond this need for validation. Hell, I still do too, even though I actively try to avoid it. The truth though, is that this lifestyle, without exception, has appeared in my life as something entirely without merit. Aside from a basic ability to confront anxiety, this lifestyle is usually an indication of an innate inability to confront something about oneself. 

This, of course, is not to say that being promiscuous is bad. It is only to say that your attachment to the idea, and any attachment to the idea you see in others – is almost always a bad sign. A sign that you or they are emotionally stuck, and going to stagnate.

When we let go of the hunger for validation, we invite into our lives a quality of emotional living that rewards us with enriched opportunities from life. If we truly value our development over our need for validation, then the outcome we invite is that we live lives that are in a constant state of growth. Instead of feeling we need to be someone, we organically become someone.

Instead of telling people stories to enhance our ego, we tell people stories that add something to their lives. Instead of learning how to attract a certain kind of woman, we naturally attract the kind of woman who is right for us.*

With the rise of online dating, the shallowness of relationships has never been higher. Any guy with decent photos and a lick of confidence can become a ‘player’. But in becoming this player, he inadvertently confines himself within a sphere of emotional growth. It’s never been easier to get validation, but it’s validation that we should be wary of. Because looking outside yourself for fulfillment, in itself, stops you as soon as you get it.

Instead of aspiring to become another fantasy, hold your emotional richness as a benchmark for your own achievement. Look to overcome your fear, enhance your happiness, expand your comfort zone and diversify your identity. Instead of becoming a fantasy that exists to get you validation from women, become a fantasy that exists to make your life more fulfilling.

Because when you do, the women will come, and instead of being limited by it, you’ll be all the better for it.

—

*I still see this same guy posting pathetic and ill-veiled updates on Facebook talking about how he’s newly single and ready to go wild. As if anyone cares and it isn’t blindingly obvious this is just to make his Ex jealous.

*If this is something you’re into, go for it. Personally, I’ve always found it unfulfilling, boring, and not much of a rewarding challenge.

*Unsurprisingly, the kind of woman who could lock us down.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

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Filed Under: Archives, Dating Advice For Men, Life Advice & Personal Development Tagged With: Anxiety, Approaching, Attraction, Certainty, Charisma, Charm, Comfort zone, Conversation, Courage, Dating, Emotions, Fear, Game, Identity, Life, Life Direction, Life Experience, Life Purpose, Neediness, Personal Development, Self Help, Sex

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Thomas says

    at

    i think that there are merits to both.. basically being promiscuous may have its time and place.. but the ability to still be emotionally open to the right woman is the hard part

    also i think being promiscuous / getting out there will increase your chances of meeting that special someone.. but yes I’m sure it can be a trap also

    Reply
    • V says

      at

      Definitely.

      I have no issues with promiscuity, I just take issue with the idealisation of it. In my experience, it doesn’t come from a good place, and is extremely self-limiting.

      It definitely was (and in some respects is) for me.

      Reply
  2. HeresyReznor says

    at

    Women are essentially overgrown children – their base biological nature keepts them from having any real agency or self awareness due to it being maladaptive to getting pregnant by the best man/survival by any means possible.

    While having certain traits are genuine and inherently attractive (things that are proven like leadership, intelligence, dominance, resources etc) they can be faked. This is what many players do – distort their image heavily to appear to a woman’s base impulses in the short/medium term.

    Just like how women constantly lie about everything to do with themselves, players do it as well. The different being women are overgrown retarded children, so attracting them with your player persona is like amusing children to make them laugh. It’s literally a simple game that follows a progression.

    In the end, a real man earns his achievements and is connected to everyone around him, he is a solid foundation for his community and family. A player is simply an actor. This is why most players are unsuccessful and unhappy in the long term.

    Substance trumps style. If you can’t master yourself and your environment, you are nothing. A mans worth is based on his achievements – picking up women is not an achievement. When you are successful they come.

    Reply
    • V says

      at

      “Woman are basically overgrown children.”

      I know countless women this doesn’t apply to.

      In many respects the most adult influence on my life has been a woman.

      The faking it stuff is spot on, but as for success: It helps but it’s overrated. An ability to manage your own emotions, specifically fear and your own enjoyment of life, coupled with an ability to connect with others will serve you far more with women than success ever will.

      I have friends who are wildly successful, but also incredibly lonely. Whereas I’ve had nothing going for me at times, but killed it simply because I was in a good mood.

      Reply
    • Car says

      at

      Its sad that this is the perception you have of women, I feel sorry for the woman/women in your lives and if thats what you think then it must be unfulfilling for you to be with one? Maybe, try and not clump all women into this category and you might discover something a lot more valuable and amazing in some women. To be honest, I tended to have a negative perception of men but I know that this is wrong and does not apply to all, so I try to consider each male differently even those who may fit into those negative connotations. Afterall, based on the important men in my life, I have known and seen some positive qualities I wish to find in my own husband to be

      Reply
  3. Quezebo Jones says

    at

    I’m old now and a retired player. Unless you are or were a player, you have no idea what it’s like but I will absolutely guaranty, if you had the opportunity, you would embrace it in a heartbeat.
    The thing everyone misses is the fact it’s not the player’s choice but the woman’s. They always make the first contact and then it’s the player’s job to convince them they made the right choice.
    I was nothing special but for some reason attracted a lot of women and like anything else if you practice it a lot you become pretty proficient.

    Reply

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