You Need To Stop Trying To Be Attractive

IN MY ARTICLE, the fundamental characteristics of the attractive man, I posited that an attractive man is attractive in as much as he invests in himself, as opposed to the opinion a woman has of him. On a small scale, this is the man who ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ if he gets rejected, and can’t really be phased by her; on the large scale, this is the man who invests his time into understanding who he his, what his values are, and applies his time with hard work and confidence into bringing the life he wants into being.

This is the fundamental characteristic of attractiveness. It is the great equalizer. I don’t care if you look like The Phantom of the Opera; if you have that fundamental locked down, you’ll never have to worry about your dating life again.

But despite this, men struggle. Hell, I struggle. Some parts of the mind, no matter how hard I try, are always fighting with me to serve my needy instincts, and try and impress people, women, cats*; even though I am well aware I do not need to, nor do I want to.

And there’s a simple reason for that:

The desire to be liked by the person we’re attracted to is a fundamental, inescapable element of the seduction process.

Or, more simply:

The neediness is always there.

And part of this is fine. Neediness, as bad a rap as I give it, isn’t entirely the devil. Neediness is what drives you to invest in the other person, and it’s that investment in them that makes them feel wanted, and a little bit less alone.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

But it’s also the neediness that makes you over invest, try to morph your behavior into what you think will make them invest in you; so that you’ll feel wanted, and a little less alone.

The conflict between what you should do, and what you feel you should do; exists at every stage of an interaction; and it is in within this inescapable conflict of interests, that people act so fucking bizarrely when confronted with someone they’re attracted to.

I’ve seen people scream at their exes houses in the night, guys buy drugs for their fucked up girlfriend, guys act like headless chickens on dates, and girls follow narcissistic men around like lost puppies – all because they are doing what they feel they should do, rather than what they should do.

And the reason why this is such an error is that acting out of what you feel you should do in order to attract the person you want, actually causes you to be unattractive and unlikeable; whereas acting out of what you should do, is inherently attractive, and inherently likable.

And it is only in being aware of this dichotomy, that you can allow yourself to be liberated from it, and express your neediness healthily.

THE KEY TO AWARENESS

There is a simple to key to awareness of one’s actions, and where they sit on the spectrum of what you feel you should do vs what you should do and it is this:

When you feel you should do something, it is because you think you need to appear a certain way in order to get the result, and validation you emotionally require.

This leads to one consistent pattern of action:

You try to be attractive.

Think about anytime you’ve been confronted with an attractive girl. How often have you been completely free and at ease within the interaction; and how often have you been half-free, but also half-inside your head, half inside the narrative that tells you to act disinterested, show attention to other girls, demean her self-esteem, or engage in some manipulative interaction.

I’m sure, in most instances, you fall into the latter category.

It is also this desire to try and be attractive, that leads you into situations where you’re pursuing a goal instead of pursuing whatever it is you genuinely want to do. Nightclubs are a classic example of this; they exist for people to have fun. Almost always with their friends. But countless guys, because they feel they need to try to be attractive, often not just to others, but to themselves, go to nightclubs for the sole purpose of getting laid.

They don’t really know how to have fun, and usually, their results reflect it.

Luckily, the opposite of this behavior is simple. It’s called being attractive.

And it’s done by doing attractive things.

DOING ATTRACTIVE THINGS

Now, I know, your knee-jerk reaction is probably: ‘Isn’t doing attractive things basically the same as trying to be attractive.’

And, well, no, it isn’t at all.

Because trying to be attractive is based entirely on what you think they like; whereas doing attractive things is entirely based on what you want to do.

It is about acting from the fundamental characteristic of attraction.

• When you don’t care about trying to be attractive, you’d probably end up in a nightclub because you were having a good time with your friends, and focused on having fun.
• When you don’t care about trying to be attractive, you’d probably go up and talk to the girl rather than staring at her and thinking about what to say.
• When you don’t care about trying to be attractive, you’d probably talk about what you’re genuinely interested in, rather than thinking about what the most charismatic thing to say was.

In other words, doing attractive things is about letting go of the desire to be perceived as attractive. It’s about feeling that pull of neediness as anyone would, but instead of being led by it, doing the opposite of what it says.

It even affects you in the short term – when you don’t care about trying to be attractive, but genuinely just really want to get laid, you’re probably pretty direct with your sexuality, and pretty up front about your intentions. Whereas when you’re trying to be attractive, and your neediness is running rampant, I’d wager that’s the exact opposite of what you’d do.

In fact, being direct and upfront is generally a good sign your acting from the right side of the spectrum.

The power in doing attractive things comes from how little you end up having to do. Whereas neediness sends you down pathways of constant reactionary behavior and management of the other person, genuinely being attractive has little to do with anything else, but everything to do with you recognizing your neediness and choosing to let it go.

It’s about understanding who you are, and what you want; and letting go of who you feel you need to be, what you feel you need; because only once you’ve sorted out that conflict of interests, are you free to take the naturally attractive actions that are well within your ability to take.

*Cats turn me into a subservient idiot. And I’m okay with that.

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