The Gift of Empathy
Now it is all well and good knowing how to structure your learning, but how do you actually approach? What do you say? What do you do?
To start with it can all seem pretty confusing, and this leaves many guys looking for lines or routines. This is the wrong kind of thinking. You want to avoid over-complicating this as much as possible; it’s not complicated, it’s about attraction, expression – and empathy.
I’ve already gone into attraction and expression. You feel attracted to a woman, you act on it and express it. But what about empathy?
Empathy is essential in any kind of relationship with another human, romantic or not. It’s the ability to emotionally put yourself in their shoes, and feel what they’re feeling in a given moment. I believe this is a fundamentally crucial skill to develop and goes hand in hand with the results that you will get in your dating life – whether that is relationships, dating or sex. Empathy is key.
First, empathy spits in the face of manipulative techniques because it requires you to empathize with what the other person is feeling. People do not want to be manipulated. Secondly, empathy naturally calibrates you to the nature of your interaction, and the person you’re engaging with.
Empathy in Action
An example: There are two women, Girl 1 is shopping, and Girl 2 is in a night club. One is going about her day, lost in her own thoughts and the other is out having fun with her friends.
How would you approach them?
Well, put yourself in the shoes of Girl 1 who is shopping and lost in her own thoughts. She doesn’t expect to be hit on; being hit on in the day is socially rare, she’s not ready for it, probably not looking her best and is likely very low energy.
Now put yourself in the shoes of Girl 2 who is out in a nightclub having fun with her friends. She expects to be hit on; being hit on in a nightclub is socially common, she’s ready for it, probably looking her best and is likely very high energy.
Would you approach each Girl the same way?
Of course not.
In each case we’ll assume you’re attracted to each Girl. So you’re going to act on this attraction and express it. But what would you say?
Well try to put yourself in these Girls shoes. Now what would YOU say to a Girl who you knew was low energy, doesn’t expect to be hit on, and would likely become nervous if you did?
What would YOU say to a Girl who you knew was high energy, expecting to be hit on, and would unlikely be very nervous if you did?
I want you to really think about this. It’s crucial you develop this skill because here in lies the secret of relating to not just other people, but especially women. Empathy is a universal human trait but it is expressed in your own unique way, that’s why I don’t want to do all the leg work for you.
But given that this may be the first time you’ve looked at these situations this way, I’ll provide examples of how I would act.
For Girl 1 I would approach her, say something to acknowledge the social inappropriateness, express my sexuality, and I would definitely talk slower than normal because she would likely be startled. I.e. ‘Hey, I don’t normally do this, but I thought you were cute and I wanted to say Hi.’
Note however that the words are unimportant; it’s why you’re saying them.
For Girl 2 I would probably approach her and express my sexuality. For example: I’d say something situationally relevant, grab her hand and spin her, then lead her to the dance floor. I’d also smile, because I’m already enjoying myself. In many club environments, talking is overrated. In a Bar, I’d just ask her name or introduce myself. They’re not flashy or cool, but they’ve always worked for me.
But what if I get rejected?
Girl One – ‘Okay, well it was nice to meet you.’ Smile and walk away.
Don’t say anything witty, cocky, or cool. Just smile and leave.
Girl Two – First, I’d persist. Then, if she rejected me because she just wasn’t into me, I’d walk away and find another girl I was attracted to.
However if she was positive, but said she was out to have fun with her friends. I’d say: ‘Hey, that’s cool – I’d like meet you up some time though – throw me your number.’ And I’d hand her my phone. If she rejected that, then I’d just walk away.
These are just my examples. If you can’t imagine yourself saying those then that’s fine, people are goofy and I’m no different, you’re not under any obligation to say the stupid stuff I say. The one size fits all approach isn’t a line or routine, its empathy. You’ve got to figure out what works for you.
But if you do like my dumb lines; go for it.
Over complicating Game and lack of results are not a coincidence, they’re intrinsically linked. Empathy isn’t complicated; you’ve just got to develop the habit of emotionally putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.
It’s about emotionally connecting with women, not getting something from them. Sometimes they’ll be happy to be surprised by a cool guy and asked on a date; sometimes they’ll want to dance with a fun guy all night long barely sharing a word. Sometimes they’ll emotionally never be into you in that moment; sometimes they’ll be ready to jump into your pants in a second. In all cases it’s just an emotional connection, whether it’s comfort, fun or lust. It all comes down to empathy.
Situationally relevant lines are also empathetic, whilst being in themselves a technique. They’re an acknowledgement of the initial awkward period in conversation (for both of you!), and a catering of ease for the first few moments of the interaction. Some women struggle with conversation and are very nervous when it comes to their ability to talk to men in places like Bars. They’re hugely appreciative of effort like this and even more appreciative of good conversational skills – but I’ll get into those in another article. Situational openers can be anything from commenting on a necklace she’s wearing, commenting on something happening around both of you, making a joke about how you’ll never be served by the barman or shimmying with her at the bar if she’s in an energetic mood. There’s countless more and they come down to your empathy and observation skills.
These can often be so effective that some guys make up stuff to approach with – a good friend of mine often says ‘Did you see the fight outside?’ even though there wasn’t a fight. Whilst I find this funny, I think reliance on making stuff up (as with canned routines and lines) doesn’t come from a confident place. Have some faith in your ability to improvise, and you’ll be rewarded for it; the less thinking and planning the better.
Continued to Part 3…
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