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Where to Meet Women As An introverted Man

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Where to Meet Women As An introverted Man

This is a complete guide on where to meet women as an introverted man. If you are shy on any level and find socializing difficult, then this is the guide for you. I recommend you pair it with this guide on how to become successful with women. – Visko

MY FIRST decision in dating wasn’t exactly the smartest.

I was young, terrified, and in my early twenties. I was completely inexperienced and had no idea what I was doing, and to top it all off, I made the bright choice of going about it in a way that directly conflicted with who I actually was.

(Spoiler: this is a terrible way to pursue any goal).

Instead of recognizing that I was, at least at the time, largely introverted, shy, lacking in social experience, and pissing my pants at the thought of rejection – I decided that I was extroverted, outgoing, and a colorful social butterfly. The result of this was that I went about improving my dating life in the most cliche way possible:

 I hit up bars and clubs.

(You go party boy!)

I would often do this with friends, but sometimes on my own. As many as four to five times per week. I got rejected a lot (read: a shit load). I didn’t really enjoy myself. I set myself the arbitrary rule of doing it sober, which only made it harder (albeit cheaper). And what few successes I had came at the expense of spending my time in a way I didn’t really want to.

Now, I’m not about to tell you it stayed this way forever. Eventually, I did warm up to the idea of hanging out in bars and clubs and partying till 6 am drunk on vodka – something I occasionally do to this day. But I also made my life a hell of a lot harder than it needed to be.              

Because I was naturally introverted and shy, the last places I needed to go in order to meet women were places that were loud and prized extroversion. Sure, they eventually got me out of my shell, but it was a slow and painful uphill grind.

Luckily for you, I’m here to help you find a shortcut around that grind.

Meet Women as an Introverted Man

There are a few fundamental choices when it comes to having a good dating life:

  • Accept rejection, or blame yourself?
  • Improve your life or blame everyone else?
  • Men, women, or both at the same time?
  • And lastly, where are you going to meet the women you date?

This guide is all about that last choice. Because it’s one of the most important ones you can make. Aside from actually going up to women and talking to them, the act of choosing the right places to meet them has a huge influence on whether you’ll actually be successful or not.

And those right venues have everything to do with who you are. I.e. if you’re a 35-year-old introverted librarian who collects Eldrazi magic cards and reads Lady Audley’s Secret (spoiler: her secret is complicated, but it involves faking her own death, marrying another guy, and generally being batshit insane) then going to a night club filled with university students probably isn’t going to end up being the wild night you think it will.

This guide is aimed at solving that fundamental problem by helping you find avenues of dating that fit well with your natural introversion as a man.

The Reality of Introversion

Before we dive into the guide on meeting women, there’s something you need to understand:

Introversion is not a fixed state. And it’s important to differentiate it from anxiety.

You might feel shy, overwhelmed by people, and desire to be alone – but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll feel that way forever. This is something to bear in mind when you approach any of these recommended ways of meeting women.

It’s also important to remember that what might feel like “symptoms” for your innate introversion are often just anxiety. It was certainly that way for me.

I would go to anywhere with lots of people and I would feel like I was trapped inside my head, hyper-conscious of everything I said, and feeling (pretty arrogantly and narcissistically) as if everyone cared how much I sucked.

(All this did was make me hyper-aware of any “perceived” evidence that this was true.)

The reality was this had nothing to do with my introversion. I was just anxious. I had spent all week, and most of my life not socializing, and so I found social situations difficult. Not exactly rocket science. I didn’t need to beat myself up. I needed experience, and to stop telling myself “this was how I was.”

Because like my introversion, my anxiety was something that could change.

When it comes to dating, you need to understand that introversion and extroversion is a scale – you can be at either end and be successful with women, and you CAN change where you are on that scale.

This means: your introversion isn’t holding you back. You are.

The only reason extroverts SEEM more successful is that by way of them being more socially inclined they put themselves in the way of more opportunities, and generally, on the surface at least, experience less anxiety.

That’s it.

The Easiest Ways To Meet Women as an Introverted Man

There are two basic ways to meet women as an introverted man that are more effective than anything else in this guide.

These are:

Basic Social Circle Expansion

A few years into my career as a wannabe Casanova, I got out a pen and paper and wrote down every single woman I’d been with and how I met them. I didn’t do this to stroke my ego, I simply wanted to know where I saw the vast majority of my results.

The answer was something that surprised me.

Over 50% of my results came from some form of genuine socializing.

As much as I’d thought my results came from nightclubs and bars, the reality was all the experience I was getting approaching there was paying off much more as I expanded my social circle.

In other words, I’d just become increasingly more confident and capable of capitalizing on the opportunities that were right in front of my eyes.

This has been the case for almost every guy I’ve worked with. The more he’s socialized with his friends, and the more he’s gone to social events and activities, the better his results have been.

Why?

Firstly, it’s because he’s opening himself up to far more opportunities. Not only will he meet more women the more he expands and diversifies his friendship group, but those women will also be far more receptive to him speaking to them.

Second, the more he socializes the easier he finds it to talk to women and ask them out. No techniques or lines needed, just basic, authentic confidence born out of experience.

Remember how I said introversion and anxiety could change?

Utilizing Social Media Connections

My model of an ideal dating life is one that is as fulfilling as possible, whilst also involving the least effort.

It sounds lazy (excuse my Dorito dust) but it’s also helped me cut out all the unnecessary stuff I used to convince myself was all important. Like going out 4-5 times per week. That’s fucking exhausting and would probably give me the flu if I did it now.

By far the most efficient and laziest thing you can do in dating is leverage social media. Which is a technical way of saying: get a good profile, message women you know/have mutual friends with.

If you’ve sorted out the basics of being attractive (by that I mean you have a life you enjoy, you groom yourself well, and you don’t dress like you’ve slept in your uncle’s clothes) then all you need is some good photos.

By good photos, I mean well framed, interesting/funny, and sell your looks and your lifestyle.

Yeah, I know, this probably sounds like a drag, but it’s an investment that once completed, continuously pays off for very little work. Hell, you don’t even need to constantly update it. You just need 5 solid photos.

Then all you’ve got to do is reach out.

Whether it’s on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram – if you’ve sorted out the basics of being attractive, it’s likely they’ll be receptive. You can do this with old colleagues, girls you met at school, whatever. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t spoken to them in ages. Just send the message.

In the past I’ve usually gone for:

“Hey stranger, you just popped up on my feed. How are you? x”

99% of the time they respond. We chat for a bit, then I ask them out. It’s not always a yes (I’m not Bradley Cooper), but it’s a yes far more often than it would be through any other venue.

This is something I usually do when I’m bored at an airport, on a train, or hungover. Like I said, minimal effort.

And far easier than approaching some randomer on the street.

The 6 Best Places To Meet Women

How to Meet Women As An introverted Man

In my experience as a dating coach, there are two rules you want to follow before you pursue any avenue of meeting women, especially when it comes to introvert dating.

GOLDEN RULE ONE: Be Open To Trying New Things

Not being open to new things is the easiest way to kill your fledgling dating life before it’s even found its legs. It’s also the easiest mistake for introverted guys to make.

I get it, you have things you like to do, and you want to stick to those things. They’re comfy and predictable and safe and habitual. Habits can be a bitch to change. But building a better dating life is all about putting yourself in new situations.

This is one of the most important pieces of dating advice for introverted men. You have to do new things and put yourself out there or you won’t get the results you want.

You can take steps to accommodate your introverted nature, and this article is going to help you do that, but you also have to take steps it’s not going to be inclined to take. This doesn’t mean you have to be extroverted. Far from it. You can succeed with women and still be introverted, just as you can be an introverted “alpha male” in social situations.

It all has to do with how you manage your introversion. That’s really what dating for introverted guys all comes down to: are they managing their introversion and are they putting themselves out there enough?

So if you do nothing else, make sure it’s trying new things.

GOLDEN RULE TWO: Make Sure You Actually Enjoy It

Here’s a little caveat. Although you have to try new things in order to meet women, you also have to make sure the things you’re trying ARE ACTUALLY THINGS YOU WANT TO DO.

Because if they aren’t, and you’re only there to meet women, then what you’re doing is prioritizing women over yourself, which is fundamentally unattractive and needy, and leads to creepy behavior.

Meeting women should always be a by-product of you living the kind of life you want to be living. This is why it’s so important to be open to trying new things; although you’re sticking to things you want to do, you’re motivating yourself to expand the things that you DO, which as a result exposes you to more dating opportunities.

Approaching your dating life from this perspective actively puts you in a position where you’ve prioritized yourself. This MASSIVELY helps with mitigating your neediness and aligns your behavior with your intentions.

It’s also, and I can’t stress this enough, fundamentally attractive.

Think about it, if you went to a yoga class solely to meet women – how much pressure would you be putting yourself under before you even arrived? Whereas if you went to a Yoga class because hell, you fancied throwing yourself into a downward dog then busting out some sun salutations – approaching the hot babe in the yoga pants would be a lot more organic.

——

With those two rules in mind, let’s dive in.

1) Dance Classes

Difficulty: 6/10

Dance classes are one of the single best things you can do for your dating life. Not only is learning how to dance an invaluable (and enjoyable) skill, but it’ll actively have you doing salsa, rumba, swing, ballroom, ballet, hip-hop, or break dancing with women.

This will get you out of your shell far more than anything else. And at the same time build your confidence in interacting with women, especially physically.

It’s also a lot easier to learn how to approach in these venues. Why? The women are literally there for you to dance with them. They’re waiting for you to walk up to them.

Go and do it.

If you’ve been dancing with a woman for the last half hour or so, it’s not a big leap to then ask her out.

The only difficult thing about this is that it can seem daunting at first. Going to a venue filled with women where you have no idea how to dance can seem like jumping in at the deep end. However, the more you go, the more this will cease to be a problem, and the more you’ll reap the advantages.

My recommendation: Unless you have zero interest in learning how to dance, this would be the one I’d prioritize the most. If you want to make it even easier on yourself, get some private 1 on 1 lessons first. This will make the dancing element much easier. You’d also be surprised by how many of the instructors are single.

Find the form of dancing that YOU want to do. The easiest way to do this? Watch movies like The Mask of Zorro that have great dance scenes. Find out what the style of dance is and learn it.

However, if in doubt, learn Salsa.

2) Yoga Classes

Difficulty: 3/10

How does this sound: Little to no competition from other men. Filled with mostly introverted women. All of them relaxed, friendly, and talkative.

Oh yeah, and it’s good for your health.

Yoga is the easiest recommendation I have. You show up somewhere, relax, stretch your body, and there is a ton of cool women.

If you’re anything like me, and you spend most of your time hunched over a desk, ruining your posture and suffering from over-tight muscles, then yoga is a great way to start fixing that.

You’ll see incredible benefits from going, and odds are you’ll be surrounded by women and be the only guy there. Well, except for Fabricio, the spiritual, yet handsy instructor.

My recommendation: Unlike dancing, yoga has little to no inherent sexuality to it. Well, aside from the yoga pants. You want to speak to women before and after the session. If you get on, get their contact details and take it from there.

3) Self-Defense Classes

Difficulty: 5/10

I actually stumbled on this one through a friend of mine. It only really applies to big cities, but it can be a great option.

Accessible self-defense classes are a great place to not just meet women, but also expand your male social circle. Not many guys would guess it, but many women, especially in big cities are actively interested in learning self-defense – for both the exercise and the increased feeling of safety it gives them.

Whilst I’d personally recommend you take up boxing or MMA if you really want to learn how to fight, if you have a casual interest in self-defense and want to learn the basics, then these classes can be a great, all-around approach to improving your dating and social life.

You essentially spend an hour play fighting with each other. Who doesn’t become friends after that?

My recommendation: My go-to hobbies when traveling are dancing and self-defense. Combined they create a great social life and keep me in shape. At the end of any self-defense class, ask the people you’ve got on with if they want to grab a drink. Simple as that.

Also, just as a tip, women are far more likely to attend the self-defense classes that aren’t branded as “hardcore”. Those classes are also pretty lame – again, hit up boxing or MMA if you want actual fighting experience.

4) Social Sports / Clubs / Hobbies

Difficulty: 4/10

Women love team sports as much as men. They also like classes a hell of a lot more than men.

If there’s a sport you want to play or something you want to learn – attending active social events based around these are a great way to easily meet women.

Cooking classes, ultimate frisbee, touch rugby, book clubs, classic film clubs – there are active social events for everything. You can even connect this with your career/business/ economic interests. There are events for entrepreneurship, investing, bitcoin, and dozens of other places.

Again, just remember the two golden rules.

Make sure it’s something you enjoy, and be open to trying it out. If it’s a team sport, get chatting to the women on your team, and spark up a friendly rivalry with one on the opposing side. If it’s a class or club, just start talking about your mutual interest.

My recommendation: In my experience, the rule here is to make sure you’re enjoying yourself. The more this is connected to your genuine interests, the better your results will be. It’s also worth bearing in mind that not all events are made equal when it comes to meeting women. For example, cooking classes will have far more women than touch rugby. You also want to find out what kind of demographics attend your hobby before you show up. You don’t want to end up surrounded by pensioners after all.

(Or maybe… you do.)

Another way you can do this is through volunteering. It’s similar to attending a social event based around a hobby, but the difference is that the emotional motivation that’s motivated you to volunteer is much stronger.

Because let’s face it, volunteering can be hard (even though it’s rewarding) and most people can’t be bothered. If you can be bothered, then the women you meet there will be much more likely to be compatible with you. And you’ll also probably admire each other right off the bat.

Doesn’t sound so bad.

5) Parties

Difficulty: 1/10 to 10/10

Parties are the easiest way to meet women in the world. There is nothing that comes close. That said, your ability to meet women there and either hook-up with them or date them will come down to how well you can manage your introversion and anxiety.

For starters, your introversion is going to make you burn out faster at a big party, so you probably want to focus on the more personal, one on one conversations you can have there (i.e. In the garden) than in the loud, beer pong, speakers on max, wet t-shirt competition area.

You’re also, most likely, going to find socializing provokes your anxiety. You need to take the party as a place to exercise your anxiety and push its boundaries. Remember that everyone at a party is slightly anxious and nervous and that you’re all there to meet other people you don’t know and have a good time with them.

If you can manage both of those, you will make parties incredibly easy places to meet women.

My recommendation: Parties are similar to nightclubs in that fun is the metric of success. The more fun you have, the more people will want to be around you. So focus first and foremost on having a good time, and be open to speaking to everyone, not just women.

If you meet one you like, ask her what she’s doing later, or, if it’s that kind of party go somewhere private and go for the kiss. Otherwise, grab her number and call her the next day.

6) Coffee Shops and Bookstores

Difficulty: 8/10

The last place on my list without a doubt coffee shops and bookstores. Whilst they’re going to require you to overcome some anxiety around sparking up a conversation with strangers, they’re also incredibly chilled, introvert-friendly places. Never too loud, and if you pick the right one, never too busy.

Take your laptop and get some work done on the free wifi, or chill out and read a book. If you’re lucky, you’ll have an attractive woman sitting next to you, but usually, you’re going to have to get up and approach.

These places are never shy of attractive, interesting women and you’d be amazed how little they get approached outside of catcalling. Which isn’t a strategy I’d recommend, least of all in a bookstore.

(If you don’t know how to approach then check out my free e-book here).

The venue itself is going to do a lot of the legwork when it comes to filtering for the kind of introverted women you’d get on with. People with introverted temperaments gravitate towards venues like coffee shops and book stores and have an active interest in the things associated with them. I.e. coffee and books. But you’ll often find them working away at something in private, so between the three, there’s plenty of things to kick a conversation up about.

You just have to make the first move.

My recommendation: This is on the harder end of the scale, as it’s going to require you to speak to a stranger in public. I’d make sure you’ve ticked off the other places in his guide first and got some experience putting yourself outside of your comfort zone as it’ll make this one a lot easier.

What You Have To Do:

In each of these different avenues of meeting women, there is ONE thing you have to do in order to make them dating opportunities.

You have to ask her out.

That’s it. That’s all you need to know about how to pick up women as an introvert. You don’t need to say or do anything or do anything special, just talk to her the same way you would anyone else.

You can go to as many of these venues as possible, as often as possible, and have all manner of incredible and exciting connections with the women there – but if you don’t ask them out, you’ll just be making new BFF’s.

Which probably isn’t your intention.

My advice is to get this out of the way early. If you speak to a woman and like her, then ask her out. You can either do it face to face, and get her contact details and drop her a text later.

Whatever works for you. Just make sure you do it.

Some will be interested and some won’t, but that’s the way dating works. You can’t win them all, so you ask enough out until you do.

More Tips, Techniques, and Resources

If you find that difficult or don’t feel like you’re ready to do that, then I have two free e-books that cover how to go about dating and how to handle your anxiety that will give you an intellectual understanding of what to do, coupled with some handy exercises to help you make real change.

However, if you’re wanting to get a handle on your dating life now, and build a solid foundation of attractiveness and sexual confidence, as well as clear direction in how to find the right women for you, and how to develop confidence dating them – then I have the Complete Dating Course designed to do exactly that, and get you out there making the changes that you need to make in order to get the best results of for you.

Or, you could skip the queue, and have some 1 on 1 coaching with yours truly.

 

 

Photo by Relevante design on Unsplash

Photo by Amy Humphries on Unsplash

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

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How To Become Successful With Women

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how to become successful with women

This is a step-by-step guide to becoming successful with women from the inside out.

Instead of focusing on dumb, sleazy tricks and techniques – this guide takes you through the simple actions and ways of thinking that reorientate you into becoming the most attractive man you can be.

Introduction

When my friend asked me how I’d gone about changing my dating life from kissless virgin to this handsome stud whatever it is I am now, I replied saying it was just a matter of wrapping your head around a single technique:

‘The behavior independence matrix.’

‘That sounds like some bullshit term you just made up.’ He said.

‘Well yeah it is – and I did. But look, this thing works. Once you figure it out it really works.’

And then I told him what it was.

Now there isn’t a guy alive who doesn’t want to become more successful with women. Okay, maybe the Dalai Lama, but other than him I think it’s a clean sweep.

Whether it’s better relationships, more sex, or usually (and unfortunately) more validation – this is something guys devote a lot of thought to.

It’s also usually where they go wrong.

But the art of getting better relationships, a more fulfilling sex life, and more consistent dates, lies exactly in where most guys go wrong.

And where they go wrong is that they cannot separate their behavior from its unhealthy motivations. They’re stuck in a toxic loop of ‘emotion/behavior codependence’ that has them acting needy, creepy, jealous, possessive, manipulative, afraid, and all around train wrecks.

The trick then, is what I explained to my friend: jumping out of this toxic loop into what I dubbed the Behaviour Independence Matrix™. There are other details (and unbreakable rules), sure. And I’ll explain those. But at the heart of it is the behavior.

But more on that later. First, I’ve got to address a few things in order for that to make sense.

How Most Guys Think of Success With Women

Most guys think of success with women as having lots of sex. You see this in relationships where the guy is always trying to get laid (“let me give you a massage, baby”) or in your standard single guy who’s trying to hump anything that moves (go get ‘em, player!).

In short: It’s generally accepted that a guy who gets laid a lot is successful with women. I.e. James Bond.

In my experience, this is just a part of being successful with women. And in fact, it’s more of an outcome of that success than it is the success in itself.

And this basic misunderstanding is what prevents most guys from becoming successful with women.

Now before I dig into the nuts and bolts of what does actually make a man successful with women, I want to do a little Scooby Doo style unmasking on the idea that having sex = success.

As I wrote in my article on pursuing emotional validation, much of men (and women’s) motivation when it comes to pursuing the opposite sex comes from the desire to validate whatever emotional issues they have – typically born in childhood, and typically wrapped up with their parents.

This is what the professionals call Mommy and Daddy issues.

In the case of men viewing sex as success, this is deeply tied to a desire for validation. Sure, sex can (sometimes) be a lot of fun, but it’s also the highest (in a superficial sense) form of validation from a woman. She literally strips off, spreads her legs and puts you inside her.

I mean, you must be doing something right… Right?

The problem is that your emotional issues have nothing to do with sex. And sex doesn’t actually validate who you are. It’s just an activity. And as I’ll explain later, it has a lot to do with luck.

When you see a guy having sex with a lot of women, he isn’t necessarily ‘successful.’ I mean, is he happy? Is he in love? Is he emotionally fulfilled? Is he even enjoying the sex?

What you’re actually seeing is a guy who, to your mind, gets validated more than you. Which, to your mind means that he’s better and you’re worse.

And not only is that complete bullshit, but it’s a pretty fucked up way to view the world and sex in general.

What is Real Success With Women?

Here’s the definition of what it means to become successful with women:

You focus on what it is you want, and what it is you want isn’t motivated by toxic emotional bullshit. Because of this, you take massive risks in your dating life. Sometimes these pay off, sometimes these don’t. You’re fine, and generally emotionally well-rounded either way.

Note how that had literally nothing to do with women and everything to do with you?

Now, sure, some of you might be thinking ‘Yeah, I’d rather have sex.’

And, I mean, that’s fine. Who doesn’t? The horizontal hunka-chunka is a great way to spend an afternoon.

But answer me this:

1) If you continually pursued sex as a form of emotional validation – how do you think you’d do?

2) If you focused on what you want, you managed your need for emotional validation, and as a result, was okay being rejected and taking massive risks in your dating life – how do you think you’d you?

Both might end in sex. But which one would end up with you feeling better, being better, and having an all-around better dating life (in both the short and long term)?

That’d be number 2).

(Unfortunate wording…)

Becoming successful with women has far, far more to do with you than it does to do with sex.

In other words, it’s just self-improvement with a fake nose and mustache on.

I’ve never met a guy who was successful with women whose only goal was to have sex with them. Sure, he might’ve gotten laid more than the average guy, but he was always lacking or pursuing something he didn’t realize.

His need for validation controlled him rather than the other way around.

Every guy wants to have sex, but every guy also has needs for attachment, expression, connection, to say nothing of the basic needs for his own individual life.

The guy who is successful with women ticks off the whole pie, he doesn’t just chase one slice.

success with women

How This Guide Works

This guide is going to take you through everything you need to know to become successful with women.

First, I’m going to break down where 80% of your results come from. These are the basic principles that affect everything you do, every interaction you have with women, and the results that you will ultimately get.

I’m going to explain what they are, how they’re developed and practiced on a day to day basis, and how they come together practically.

Second, I’m going to explain how your attitude towards risk greatly affects your results and the number of women that you meet. Whether you’re looking to meet one woman or one thousand, the way you interact with risk and the boldness of your interactions is what counts. This is where 99.99% of guys go wrong. They’re too timid.

Third, I’m going to take you through the unbreakable rules of dating. When it comes to becoming successful with women these are the gold standard. You have to be authentically engaging with these on some level. If you aren’t, the quality and quantity of your results will begin to fall apart.

Last, I’m going to run you through some of the key ideas and realities you need to know moving forward. The rule of abundance, the reality of change your dating life, the easy way to learn how to communicate with women, and the central ‘anchor’ principle you should always return to.

What Engineers 80% of Your Results?

80% of your results with women come from your neediness, your confidence, and the way the two interact. If you’re ever wondering about how to increase your value with women, then before all the usual superficial ways – there’s this.

But while these influence 80% of your results, these are usually the things guys get 100% wrong.

Let me explain…

You Have To Feel Neediness, Not “Beat It”

An excessive desire for validation, approval, attention, recognition, and attraction from women is typically referred to as neediness.

This is a word you’ve no doubt come across before. But here’s the actual reality of neediness:

  1. It’s normal. Everyone feels it.
  2. Seriously, it’s normal. You’re not special (snowflake!).
  3. It’s not about getting rid of it, it’s about feeling and managing it.

You are going to feel over-attached, over-invested, worried about ‘whether she replies’, scared of rejection, and seeking validation.

These are things you’re going to feel every single day. Sometimes you might feel them slightly. Sometimes you’ll feel them so strongly you can’t think of anything else. Other times you’ll forget they’re even there.

Rather than try to stoically ignore these feelings, ‘act like a man’, or pretend they don’t exist – these feelings are natural and normal and something to engage with. Because the more you engage with and manage them, the less they control you, and the less your behaviors will become needy, or worse, creepy.

Because that’s the first point here:

Needy thoughts and feelings do not mean you have to behave in a needy way. It’s your choice whether you act on them.

Real Confidence Doesn’t Start Where You Think

This brings us to confidence.

If your needy thoughts and feelings don’t necessarily control your behavior, then how does this relate to confidence?

Well, confidence is nothing more than the ability to return to what it is you want to do. This means that you:

  1. Feel needy thoughts and feelings.
  2. Recognize your needy thoughts and feelings and the actions they’re trying to get you to take. I.e. Harass your ex, check your phone endlessly to see if she’s responded, find the ‘right time to kiss her/call her/ask her out, or avoid rejection at all costs.
  3. Return to what it is you want to do. I.e. Get on with your work, kiss her/call her/ask her out, embrace rejection.

Confidence begins at feeling neediness, understanding it, and acting counter to its intentions.

It is a calm sense of rationality and desire that sits behind the more turbulent feelings of neediness and it’s desire for validation.

(This idea is deeply tied to Defense Mechanisms which you can read about here. And you really should because they can shit all over you worse than a botched enema.)

The Behaviour Independence Matrix™

The way this all comes together is that your behavior becomes independent of your bullshit feelings and motivations.

Let me draw you an expertly crafted diagram to explain:

become successful with women

2000 hours in Microsoft Paint.

Your neediness, like anyone else’s, exists in a self-perpetuating cycle.

You feel worthless or unloveable so you pursue validation, attempting to control the woman so she validates you, then you become neurotic about your ability to get this validation met, and this only reinforces that you’re worthless and/or unloveable.

And it just keeps on going and going and going.

Woooosh.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re running away from her, avoiding rejection, supplicating to her, or trying to manipulate her.

It’s all the same shit. It’s all part of the same fucked up loop.

The way to break this loop is two-fold. And it all involves what I unnecessarily named ‘The Behaviour Independence Matrix™’. Here’s how it works:

Your behaviors and emotions carry clues to their motivations. In other words, if you’re acting like a freak, chances are, the motivation behind your behavior isn’t all that rosy.

Therefore, the art lies in paying attention to your behaviors and emotions, recognizing that they aren’t as legit as they’re pretending to be, and taking steps to feel and manage them.

This will get you to a place where, although scary and counter to your motivations, you will be able to connect with what it is you actually want to do. Sure, it’ll feel hard, but it’ll no longer seem ‘impossible’ or like the worst thing ever.

This is how you make your behavior independent from your untrustworthy motivations. For example:

Instead of obsessing over the ‘right’ amount of attention to give her, so that you ‘game her properly’, ‘keep her interested’, and make sure she doesn’t ‘see other guys’ – you speak to her when you genuinely want to and don’t have anything more important to be doing.

Instead of trying to figure out if she likes you, find the right moment, or control whether she rejects you – you ask her out because you want to, and you realize you’ll survive if she says no.

Instead of trying to get your ex back, or the attention of any woman who isn’t into you – you shrug your shoulders, move on, and go and find the ones who are.

Make sense?

become successful with women

Don’t Be Like Timid Rick™ – Start Taking Massive Risks

You can do all of the above, but if you’re a Timid Rick™ then you’re going to be shit out of luck.

A Timid Rick™, aside from being a dumb phrase I pulled out of my ass, is a guy who has everything going for him, makes a few proactive moves (an approach here, a date there) but does so without any real sense of desire, aggression, or passion.

As a result, his proactiveness is rare, his moves are restrained, and passion is non-existent.

And all of that adds up to one guy who doesn’t get any extreme responses from his dating life. He just hits the middle of the road.

He never meets women who hate him, sure. But he also never meets women who really, really love him. He never gets shot down when he goes in for a kiss too early. But he also never has nights of intense kissing all the way from the bar to the bedroom. His dating life is okay. It’s normal. By all accounts, it’s working. But it never has any passion.

And here’s the thing:

Rick wants all of these things he doesn’t get. What guy, or hell, person doesn’t? But like most people, he’s too timid to get them.

One of the easiest ways to self-diagnose and improve your dating life is to take a look at the level of risk you’re engaging with, and then push things a little bit further. Because in doing so, you open yourself up to far, far more polarisation, and far, far more rewarding results.

Instead of approaching women who you think are safe, or ‘in your league’, you approach the ones you’re genuinely attracted to, especially if you have no idea whether you could get them. (Spoiler: you can).

Instead of waiting 3000 hours for her to look at you in the right way, and say the right thing so that you’ll know 100% it’s the right time to kiss her – you tap into your feelings, connect to your desire to kiss her, and do it. Regardless if it’s 30 minutes, 15 minutes, or 5 minutes into the date.

Instead of hiding your desire for her because it’s ‘weird’, ‘socially inappropriate’, she might ‘reject you’, or it’s ‘not cool’ – You rock your passion like Antonio Banderas in Zorro. You can keep it under control (and in your pants) sure. But you’re not afraid to show her it’s there.

These are all risks you’re willing to take. And do.

And your success with women is all the better for it.

The 3 Unbreakable Rules of Dating

There are three unbreakable rules when it comes to becoming successful with women. These are:

Be The One Who ‘Fails’ The Most

You cannot become successful with women without being rejected. In fact, the most successful guys are the ones who are rejected the most.

And before you stop yourself and think ‘I could never get rejected, it would be too painful’, stop right there and return to the section on the Behavior Independence Matrix, and the one before that on Mommy issues.

Because embracing rejection is the easiest way to tap into what it is you genuinely want to do and to challenge your limiting beliefs and emotional issues.

You absolutely have to, must, most certainly, without any doubt, get rejected as much and as often as possible. This is another way of looking at playing ‘the numbers game’ which basically refers to the idea that the more women you meet, the more women you’ll get. But the correct way to look at it is to get rejected more than anyone else.

Not only is that how to have lots of women in your life, but it’s how you’ll have the great ones.

That’s rule number one.

You Have To Rigorously Apply Batman’s Superpower

The dating game is fickle and ruled by complete chance. Sometimes it’ll go your way. Sometimes it won’t.

So you gotta be like Batman. And by that I mean, no matter how shitty your life gets, you can’t ever give up.

Nevah!

You’re going to have a lot of ups and downs. But you cannot let the downs get to you or cause you to quit. In fact, you have to do the opposite. You have to consciously and deliberately persist.

I remember getting shot down by a woman at a party, only to meet her a year later and hook up with her. There was another time I kissed a woman who proceeded to tell me she just wanted to be friends, only to hook up with her a month later. And once, a woman in a nightclub shot me down 5 times before she ended up taking me home and dating me for a few months.

In each of these scenarios, the initial rejection sucked. But it had nothing to do with me. They just didn’t feel it at the time, for whatever reason. Eventually, that changed.

Sure, sometimes it won’t. But if you don’t persist you’ll never know.

The One Thing To Always Get Better At

You are as attractive as you allow yourself to be.

I don’t care whether you’re a 5/10, a 6/10, or a 4/10… You can become the 10/10 version of whoever you are.

This is something you should always be doing. No matter what. Whether it’s working out, becoming more disciplined, reading more, or just practicing self-acceptance. It is the most rewarding way to increase dating success because all you’re doing is making your life better.

The Most Common Trap Guys Fall Into

Taking risks and making the choices that you actually want to take makes sense, and will result in the kind of success with women that you want.

However…

There is a problem that seems to occur anywhere and everywhere during this process. And it comes back to those good old emotional issues.

The problem is this: When you don’t have many options in your dating life, you will almost inevitably over-invest in the few options or sole option that you have.

This stems from a number of places. The first, and most obvious, is that you’re simply not interacting with enough women to meet enough that like you. The second is that you don’t believe you have what it takes to attract a lot of women, so you cling on to whatever one you happen to attract. The third is that your emotional need for validation has you over-invest in whatever source of validation it is currently getting.

The result of this overinvestment is that your behaviors are far less likely to be what you genuinely want to do. In other words, that feedback loop from earlier – that’ll be working on overdrive.

This is where you’ll think you’re “in love.”

Now sometimes you will be. I’m not here to shit all over love or anything like that. I’m just here to point out that if you want to become successful with women you need to understand that the number of women you interact with and your ability to internal validate yourself has a HUGE impact on your behavior.

Just as managing The Behaviour Independence Matrix™ helps you resolve those behaviors – the amount of experience and interaction with women that you have helps you resolve them also.

The Short Cut To Better Communication With Women

A lot of guys screw up conversations with women for the same reason they screw up their entire idea of attraction in the first place.

They don’t understand what really counts.

A while back, an older guy asked me if he could still get involved with the dating game. I said sure he could. He then asked me if he ‘had what it took’ to date younger women. Instead of saying sure, I asked him what he meant.

He explained to me that having what it takes meant being good looking, being ambitious, having youthful energy, basically a load of things he wasn’t that great at.

I said to him ‘Yeah, all those things count, but they all come second to how you make her feel.’

That is ultimately what makes you attractive. And when it comes to communicating with women, it’s everything. If any guy talks about how to spit game to a woman and doesn’t discuss this – he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

The feelings are everything. This is how to have game with women.

The more you communicate from an emotional place (I.e. feelings rather than facts), and the more you’re comfortable expressing your emotions (I.e. desire), the more likely you will be to have great interactions with women.

The flirting will come more naturally, you will make yourself more vulnerable and thus share your opinions more, and you’ll be behaving in a far more honest way.

Not only is this inherently attractive, but it actively screens for women on the same wavelength as you. Y’know, the ones that actually like you.

So if you want to take a short-cut to having better conversations with women, it’s learning to get in touch with your emotions. Sprinkle little listening skills on top of that and you’re in the big league’s kiddo.

How Long Does It Take To Become Successful With Women?

The short answer is: How long is a piece of string?

The long answer is: It takes exactly as long as it takes you to genuinely engage with self-improvement, take more risks in your dating life, and most importantly learn to manage your need for emotional validation.

For some guys, this can take as little as a year. For others, it takes 10 years and multiple trips to a therapist.

That’s just the reality. These things don’t change overnight.

This might seem disheartening if you’re at the latter end of that spectrum, but ask yourself this:

Would 10 years of effort be worth it in order to have put real effort into self-improvement, gained genuine boldness, and learned to act from a place independent of your emotional bullshit?

The Most Important Thing To Focus On

Earlier in this guide, I defined becoming successful with women as something that has next to nothing to do with them, but almost everything to do with you. And when you think about it, it makes sense:

The more you improve your life, the more attractive you become.

The more you become okay with vulnerability and expressing your emotions, the more attractive you become.

The more you handle your emotional issues, the better your results will be and the more attractive you will be.

The more you embrace rejection and take huge risks in your dating life, the better your results will be, and the more you’ll enjoy your dating life.

Everything that you’d usually define as “success with women” – dates, sex, a hot girlfriend – all of this is just outcomes of you taking responsibility for your life and sorting your shit out.

So if you’re going to focus on anything, focus on that.

How to Become Successful With Women

At the start of this guide, I explained how separating your behavior from your emotions is one of the most important skills you can learn. It allows you to act from the place you genuinely want to act from, rather than getting stuck in a self-reinforcing loop of toxic thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

When you do that and take a little responsibility for your life, everything (and I mean everything) in dating starts to fall into place.

Your results get better, but also, you care WAY less about the failures. You realize they just aren’t a big deal, and they don’t “confirm” anything about “how much you suck.”

That was just in your head after all.

But improving your dating life can be hard to figure out on your own. It’s not easy to figure out how to get successful with girls – if it was, every young man from the age of 16 onwards would do it.

Here some additional resources to help you:

Even though I’ve tried to make it as simple as possible in this guide, actually doing it, and knowing which actions to take in real life can be a lot more complicated.

For starters, fear and anxiety will get provoked. You’ll make mistakes (a lot of them). And you’ll build lots of bad habits at the same time as building the good. That’s how trial and error works.

I know because that’s exactly what I and countless other guys I’ve known did.

With this in mind, I developed a video course to help you take the right steps first, avoid the age-old mistakes guys make (spoiler: overcompensating is a big one), and guide you through the four key areas that structure and accelerate your results.

—

Photo credit: Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash. Photo credit: Azrul Aziz on Unsplash. Photo credit: adamkontor on Pixabay

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

How To Stop Your Pursuit of Emotional Validation And Approval

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how to stop chasing emotional validation

AS FAR AS shitty life choices go, I think relentlessly pursuing emotional validation is in competition for the top spot with cowardice and immorality. Sure, the other two make the bold claim of making you incapable and inhuman, but pursuing emotional validation is pretty much the life choice equivalent of opting for a life of torture.

And I don’t mean bamboo fingernails off to the execution block torture. I mean slow, mind-destroying, water drop torture. It just drips, and drips, and drips, until you’re a shell of the person you once were.

This is really what the pursuit of emotional validation is like. Why? Because, as a result of your unhealthy motivations, your resultant behaviors have the unfortunate side effect of turning everyone off, and rarely, if ever consistently giving you the validation you want and feel you need.

But sometimes you do get it.

So like a gambler down on his losses, you say to yourself “it’s gotta happen this time!”.

And you keep on playing.

Now, I’m gonna dive right into this and make a bold claim:

When you have problems with pursuing emotional validation from others this really stems from a desire to get it from your parents. In other words, I’m saying you have a big old dose of mommy and daddy issues.

And sure, I know what you thinking. You’re thinking fuck you, what do I know, that’s gross, I have no problem with my parents I only keep pursuing toxic relationships by accident. Sure, that could all be true, but if you’re honest with yourself… we both know it’s not.

Let me explain.

PROBLEMS WITH MOMMY AND DADDY 

Here’s how this whole thing works:

When you have validation issues with one or both parents, you operate from a place of “why doesn’t he/she love me?” And when you’re operating from this place, you are constantly trying to validate that it isn’t correct, that they do in fact love you, but you go about this in a fucked up way.

What you do is that you seek out relationships that actively make you feel the same “why doesn’t he/she love me?” feeling so that you can “solve it” when they give you attention.

Aloof partners, chasing women who aren’t into you, staying in relationships where you’re treated like crap. That sort of thing. These relationships are all proxies for your mommy and daddy validation issues.

(Feel sick yet?)

To make this clearer, let me use an example. And as this site is geared at helping men, I’m going to stick to mommy issues. Sorry ladies, but feel free to swap it out for daddy – you know you want to. 😉

So go ahead and wrap your head around this:

  1. Mommy acts aloof.  Child you thinks “why doesn’t she love me?” And as a result feels worthless and chases validation to stop feeling that nasty worthless feeling.
  2. Mommy then gives you attention. Child you thinks “she does love me!” And as a result no longer feels worthless.
  3. Mommy is aloof again. Rinse and repeat.

Now this, with age, becomes:

  1. Woman is indifferent = “Why doesn’t she like me?” = I feel worthless = Chase validation.
  2. Woman gave me attention = “She does like me!” = I’m no longer worthless.
  3. Rinse and repeat.

See how it’s the same thing?

THE WAYS YOU PURSUE EMOTIONAL VALIDATION 

You’re probably thinking that this is one fucked up way to live. And you’d be right. Not only is it a fucked up thing to have boiling away in the back of your head, but it has a lot of nasty consequences in terms of your behavior.

Here are some examples:

  • You will pursue women who aren’t that into you because you’re addicted to chasing their (or rather, mommy’s) validation. You will often pursue these women at the expense of women who genuinely like you because they don’t give you that same feeling of worthless that you want to validate yourself against.
  • In order to get this validation, you will likely adopt a number of toxic strategies. You’ll either try to out aloof their aloofness (“Mr. Cool Guy”). Degrade their self-esteem (“Mr. Asshole Guy”). Be incredibly nice to them so that they’ll owe you something(“Mr. Nice Guy”), and so on. In other words, you’ll be a manipulative piece of shit who’s just chasing an emotional bandaid.
  • If you get rejected by a woman you’re seeking validation from you will take it extremely personally (“I knew it! I AM worthless! Woe is me”) regardless of whether that rejection had anything to do with you personally. (Spoiler: it almost always doesn’t).
  • You will then pursue women who have rejected you (i.e. exes) in order to heal that negative validation you’ve perceived yourself as receiving. This won’t end well.
  • You will generally attract into your life women with similar issues, who have, as a result, developed problems with attachment. This makes it more likely that your relationship will 1) suck 2) end in disaster, and 3) validate your emotional issues.

How about that for a bad cocktail?

HOW TO STOP CHASING EMOTIONAL VALIDATION

By now you should be thinking one of two things. Or maybe both.

  1. This sounds just like me!
  2. How the fuck do I avoid this shitshow?

But don’t go gouging your eyes out just yet Oedipus. There are a number of simple things you can do.

The first thing you need to understand is that having a screwed up relationship with emotional validation is pretty normal. The vast majority of people are like this, so you’re not some abnormal weirdo, and you don’t need to start beating yourself up and telling yourself how much you suck.

(That is what’s motivating all of this after all).

On the flip side, however, having a screwed up relationship with emotional validation is not an emotionally healthy way to live and won’t benefit you (in any way) in the long run. So it pays to sort it out.

The second thing you need to do is bring awareness to your behaviors. If you accept that your process of pursuing emotional validation isn’t that healthy, then you need to figure out what exactly it is that you are doing.

For example, I was the kind of guy who consistently chased women who were hot/cold on me. I would then act like I didn’t care, and get in some kind of game with them. Either way, I was pursuing, trying to force, or run away from validation. This is something have to bring awareness to and manage even now.

You might be someone who constantly supplicates and acts like a friend, or you might be a complete jerk. The key thing is that you look at your behaviors and ask yourself “what motivation does this behavior really serve?”. “What need am I trying to get met?”.

It won’t take long for you to unmask the ones that are after validation.

YOU ARE YOUR NARRATIVES

On the surface, calling something “mommy and daddy” issues probably makes you think you need to go lie on someone’s couch and cry for 200 dollars an hour. But this isn’t quite the case.

Sure, if you hate your parents, I’d probably sort that out. Carrying around that baggage is going to do you a world of hurt. But if you have issues with emotional validation that you connect with your parents, yet at the same time, your parents are actually kinda okay – the problem lies less with them and more with the narratives that you live by.

When you’re a kid, running around in your diaper, building legos, and getting your penis out for no reason it’s easy to misinterpret things. Whilst your parents are all around good people, they make mistakes (parenting is hard after all), and these mistakes are part of the way you come to understand the world.

Mom can’t come to your birthday because she’s overseas on work? Oh, that must mean I’m worthless, unloveable, and the rest of my life will follow this belief. Cue years of bad relationships.

The issue here isn’t some massive issue stemming from your dark, terrible past. It’s just some dumb, misinformed, childish narrative that you adopted mistakenly, and held on to for far, far too long. So long that your behaviors and identity began to form around it.

This is what the stories you tell yourself do. They sit there in your brain repeating over and over, branching out into thoughts, beliefs, and even actions themselves, which validate and continue the narrative ad infinitum.

“I’m unlovable.”

“I’m not as good as other people.”

You get the idea. I believe this doesn’t just stop with issues of lovableness, but also relates to people’s conception of life, morality, and their role in the world. But that’s another issue.

The answer, then, to your pursuit of emotional validation isn’t to cry to Dr. Phil. It’s to pay attention to how you’re forming your narratives about yourself in the small day to day moments. Specifically how those narratives relate to your pursuit of emotional validation.

So to bring it back to your mommy and daddy issues. The key thing here isn’t that the issues are about mommy and daddy, the key thing here is that they’re yours.

SORT YOUR BEHAVIOUR OUT AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW

You are what you choose to do. But you are also what you choose not to do.

Every time you take an action motivated by your desire for emotional validation, you reinforce that desire. Every time you do not take an action because of your fear of being negatively emotionally validated, you reinforce that desire.

I.e. every time you play games with someone over text because you want them to validate you, you reinforce your need to be validated. Or alternatively, every time you avoid approaching because you fear being rejected (and the “confirmation” of being unlikable/unlovable) you reinforce that desire.

Your actions, in a sense, are a discussion you’re having with yourself. When your actions are based around validation, you are telling yourself that you NEED to be validated. You’re telling yourself that there is something wrong with you and that you need to confirm that it isn’t true.

And it’s a conversation you keep having to have over and over again. Because it never stops needing confirmation.

(This is something like the self-hatred version of James P. Carse’s infinite game idea).

On the flip side, when your actions are based less on the desire for validation (which will always be there), but rather on what you genuinely want to do, you are telling yourself that you don’t need to be validated. You are telling yourself that you are OKAY regardless of the outcome.

Sure, a negative outcome isn’t enjoyable. But you’ll live. And you’re not going to base your actions around avoiding it.

THE MOMENT BY MOMENT PRACTICE OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE 

This conversation you’re having with yourself is what I like to think of as the 1% improvements of self-acceptance. There’s an idea, popularised by James Clear, that says you either improve by 1% or regress by 1% every day. That these percentages compound over time to produce massive changes. For good or bad.

Now I think when it comes to self-improvement this is an easy way to get really insecure. However, I do think that it is this way with emotional issues and self-acceptance. Sure, you can stare in a mirror and explain what you accept about yourself, but your actions demonstrate this as well. And they’re happening moment by moment.

Each action pushes your 1% in one direction or another. Playing games? Oops, you’ve fucked it up. Approaching because you want to? That’s my boy.

At first, you’re going to struggle with this. There’s another idea popularised in self-improvement that says “happy people don’t need to try to be happy”, “confident people don’t need to try to be confident”. But this idea is predicated on the fact that “happy” or “confident” people are universally the same. Which is comically untrue. You’re different from me (thank God) and everyone else. Your level of acceptance, your beliefs about yourself, and the techniques you’re going to have to use to improve your relationship are going to be unique. So if you struggle at first, that’s normal.

Why wouldn’t you?

1% changes in the right direction are often imperceptible. You have to keep making them. Keep acting from a place of indifference to validation. Challenging your behaviours and questioning their motivations. So that in a year, you’re 365% better. And you accept yourself and interact with your need for emotional validation in a way you never really believed you could.

Because at the end of the day, it’s like L’oreal says.

how to stop chasing emotional validation

THE OPPOSITE OF CHASING EMOTIONAL VALIDATION

To wrap up, as frankly, this article is getting too long, I want to put a final note on vulnerability. The opposite of chasing emotional validation is allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a way that you would normally avoid.

To bring it back to mommy issues (thought you’d escaped didn’t you!?), this would be allowing yourself to take actions that would risk “confirming” that you’re “unloveable.”

This means getting rejected for authentically expressing your interests, values, boundaries, opinions, and so on. What would otherwise be called your identity. All things that you’d typically hide or alter to avoid being rejected and the “confirmation” that comes alongside it.

At first, this is painful, and your behaviours will be based around avoiding this at all cost. By either desperately pursuing a “confirmation” of the opposite, or trying to manipulate the other person into pursuing it from you.

But the opposite of chasing emotional validation is to accept it and take the hit. And sure, it’ll suck now. But over time, if you keep moving in the right direction, you’ll just be better at being you. And the only person you’ll be looking for validation from is yourself.

 

Photo by Mark Daynes on Unsplash

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

The Four Types Of Men On A Night Out – According To A Woman

by ·

MY SISTER has a theory. It says there are four types of men you encounter on a night out. She first told it to me when I was sat in Trafalgar Square, fresh out of a breakup, and emptying my heart to her about what a loser I was, and how much I sucked with women.

Back then, I was terrified of them.

She’d always believed in me, and had to some degree bought into the mask I used to present to other people – the one where I was confident, and “didn’t give a fuck”. So when I told her the truth – that was I anxious, socially terrified, and had rock-bottom self-esteem – she looked at me like she’d been slapped in the face.

But then she thought for a little while and said she was going to help. And she began to tell me her theory.

I’ve heard her say it a few times since. It’s a theory that almost every girl who’s heard it unanimously agrees with and one that every man she’s ever told it to has laughed, fallen silent, then quietly admitted he’s one of them.

I’ve now put that theory here, more or less as she told it to me, but with my own experience, and journey through the types added on.

THE FOUR TYPES OF MEN ON A NIGHT OUT

TYPE ONE: THE DRUNK

You’ve seen his guy before. He gets all up in the girls face, says something that he thinks is funny, or perhaps even, intelligible, gets handsy, and usually gets rejected. Then he brushes himself off, drinks some more, and starts all over again.

This type of guy fucking blows. Not only does he stink of booze, slur his words and have a stupid fucking look on his face; he fears women and fears rejection, so he numbs himself to that fear through alcohol and/or drugs. He knows deep down he fears women but has resigned himself to the fact that alcohol is his only way out.

In short, he’s a coward with self-efficacy issues. For a long time, this was me.

How you end up here: You probably live in a culture where this is the norm, and haven’t questioned whether it’s worthwhile or healthy.

What to do about it: Stop drinking / limit your drinking, confront your fears, develop your self-efficacy.

Probable outcome: Depending on your looks and sense of humor – a non-existent to unfulfilling sex life (at best).

TYPE TWO: THE ORBITER

Ever been in a bar and seen a girl you really like, and instead of doing anything about it, you just stood there with a drink in your hand, occasionally making eyes at her?

Yeah, this one is you. And 99% of other guys.

This guy, because he is so common, has an enormous amount of variation. But the principle is always the same. He is not okay with his own sexuality. He tells himself it is bad, and it is not wanted. He does not give himself permission to express it.

So he freezes, or he overcompensates. In my case I spent years as a teenager as the dumb frozen guy, then as the loudmouth who tries to suck all the attention in the room up, then when I first started going to clubs, I was that guy who danced near to girls, but never actually did anything.

Maybe one of those is you. Maybe it’s not. But if you aren’t the kind of person who gives themselves permission to express their sexuality, then your issues with sexual shame are going to imprison you as this type of guy.

How you end up here: You’re the kind of person who avoids leaving their comfort zones, and you’re probably not very self-aware.

But as The Joker says all it takes is a little push.

What to do about it: Take a small step. Then another. Start approaching. You will get rejected. Eventually, after you realize it isn’t so bad and you don’t have to know what to say, you won’t. You need to confront your sexual shame.

Probable outcome: Always knowing you’re a coward deep down, and a permanent, low-level feeling of dissatisfaction, like you, had more to offer but never lived up to it. But if confronted, a simple enough step to type four.

TYPE THREE: THE INSULTER

This is every single guy who uses ‘banter’, ‘jokes’, ‘arrogance’ or whatever facade he’s chosen to attempt to lower the girl’s self-esteem in order to get her. He’s the guy who is condescending, insults what she’s wearing, points out a flaw in her body or face, all whilst trying to pick her up.

And he’s the biggest loser of the bunch.

He has the basic level of courage that the first two lack, so he can approach consistently, but he has enormous issues with his own self-worth and resents women deep down. For a long time, I would step in and out of this like putting on new shoes.

And it was always down to my narcissism and anger at other people. Y’know, that voice that says it’s never “your fault” and that other people (read: women and/or society) are to blame.

Yeah, that was me.

I find this guy the most transparent of the bunch. Even more so than the orbiter. Because this guy fears rejection he tries to control rejection. He tries to control the interaction, to be the dominant one, to be the “alpha male.” In reality, he’s just scared, using learned behaviors to simulate someone who isn’t, and is essentially bargaining for some kind of validation from the girl. He ‘games’ her so that she needs his. But only so that he can get hers.

The worst part of this is that it gets you results – but the results you get are gained in trying to scratch an itch they can never actually scratch. This is the toxic mentality that pervades the “manosphere”, “the red pill” and most dating advice I’ve ever come across (which is usually either “win her like this” or “trick her like this”).

How you end up here: Unresolved emotional (read: Mommy) issues which resulted in a desire to validate yourself esteem through a vagina.

What to do about it: Urgh. I’d recommend starting over completely. Top to bottom restoration. Maybe some therapy. You need to accept that your sexual desire is okay in and of itself, and that rejection doesn’t mean anything about your self-worth. You also need to understand that the more you try to stay in control of interactions, the longer you will never be fulfilled and will always be trapped in this mindset.

Probable outcome: Likely to reach type four. Which is a waste because this one has the most potential but will unlikely achieve it.

TYPE FOUR: THE MAN

This is the guy the walks up to a girl and hits on her. He’s okay with his sexuality, expresses it in an honest manner. If he gets rejected, that’s fine, he doesn’t take it personally. If he doesn’t, he starts chatting and sees what happens.

It’s really that simple.

He sees what he wants, and he goes for it. He doesn’t try to smother his fear in booze, or freeze, or try to lower her self-esteem. He just feels the fear and does it anyway.

How you end up here: You built a life you’re proud of, you think you’re okay, through a lot of experience being awful with women but powering through. You’ve been rejected hundreds of times.

What to do about it: Nothing. You’re nailing it.

Probable outcome: A solid dating life and self-esteem. You’re probably pretty happy too.

NOW IF YOU’RE FEELING INSECURE…

The interesting thing is – all of the above… It applies to women as well. Regardless of what you’ve got dangling between your legs, if you aren’t comfortable expressing your sexuality – if you’re overcompensating, numbing yourself, or outright avoiding – you’re going to fall somewhere on this scale.

Somewhere that isn’t type four.

For every type of guy listed above, I’ve met some kind of girl that falls within this spectrum. Only she’s the, uh, girly version. 

So, which are you?

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

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How To Text Women – The 4 Things You Need To Know

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How to text women

A FEW MONTHS AGO, I changed my entire approach to texting women.

I was out in a bar when I saw a woman in a red dress. She was sat with her friend, talking about something, far away from everyone else. She was well dressed, self-assured, seemed happy enough as she was, and she was beautiful; the kind of girl that always makes me nervous.

Without thinking, I went over and sat next to her (it’s important to practice what you preach after all). I said something, it was well received, and we started talking. Within a few seconds, it was obvious – there was chemistry.

Now, I’d like to tell you that the beautiful woman in red and I hooked up. I’d like to tell you that we went back to mine, did the hunka-chunka and discovered some kind of weird coincidences in our lives that meant we were destined to meet, fall in love and have 2.5 kids and a cocker spaniel. Hell, I’d like to tell you that it even ended well.

But it didn’t.

We had a lot of chemistry, we took each other’s numbers, and then she had to leave with her friend.

I’ve been in a lot of bars and a lot of clubs, and I’ve sucked up my anxiety a hell of a lot of times and ended up approaching, and having chemistry with a decent amount of women. So this sort of thing is not really out of the ordinary. It’s just one of those things that’s part and parcel of the experience. Sometimes something gets in the way.

So I got texting her. And, at first, it was pretty fun. We both said we’d meet up. We were both flirty. It was going well.

Until… It just kind of stopped.

Over the course of next few days, it was clear we couldn’t find that chemistry again. We traded a few messages, but it just wasn’t there. Eventually, as these things always go – it fizzled out.

And we never spoke again.

I never got over it.

HOW TO TEXT WOMEN

Ever since I’ve had a phone, I’ve never enjoyed texting women.

It was for a combination of reasons, really. I’ve never wanted to speak to anyone at all hours of a day – I’d always get bored of the conversation, not really want to respond, and just really lose interest in the person I’d be speaking to. And that boredom found its way through to them. It doesn’t matter who it was; friends, family, girls. It was always the same.

We’d mutually just kinda go ‘meh’ and move on.

On top of this, I felt texting them was something that I had to do, that I had to come up with something to say in order to ‘keep the conversation going’, despite the fact that I didn’t want to, and when I was bored, most of my responses blew harder than a balloon clown.

So I started trying ‘something new.’

A ‘something new’ that made all my problems disappear, my results increase, and above all taught me this:

Texting women is a terrible way to build any kind of relationship. In fact, it’s pretty much the best way to sink your chances at something between the two of you.

Yes, if you’ve come here to learn how to text women, I’m going to explain the fundamental technique you need to understand. For those of you who read at the speed of light, it’s in the part subtitled ‘how you should text a girl.’

For the rest of you, who want the complete experience, I’m going to explain why you almost never should.

Let’s begin.

1)  WHY THINKING THIS WAY IS A REALLY BAD IDEA

If I was a scumbag and threw together some article that has dozens of identical versions of itself plastered all over the internet, I’d probably give it a title like this:

“How To Text Women So That They’ll Like You”

But that title and the basic through-thought of everyone asking this question is pretty much the core reason I can’t stand the prevalence of texting in dating. Because what that title is really doing is communicating with the insecurity in your head. The insecurity that asks:

How do I not get rejected? How do I make myself likable? How do I make myself worthy enough to ‘win’ her affection?

Feel gross yet?

You should.

You want to learn ‘how to text a girl’ because you want to learn how to win her. And you want to win her because you’re needy and lack self-worth.

Is that really the software you want to be using? Or is there an alternative?

2) HOW YOU SHOULD TEXT A GIRL

Let’s start with an FAQ (or is it a FAQ?):

When should I text her?

Whenever you actually want to, but not when you feel you need to.

Should I use emojis?

Whenever you actually want to, but not when you feel you need to.

What are some funny things to text a girl?

What do you find funny? Send that.

What do I say to a woman as an opener?

Whatever you want to.

How do I text a woman to keep her interested?

By the end of the article, it should be pretty clear.

How do you ask a woman out over text?

You ask.

What do I text if I have nothing to say?

If you have nothing to say, why say anything?

Should I only use lower case to seem indifferent and aloof? (this is actual, 100% real advice I’ve seen given out)

No. If you genuinely feel indifferent and aloof that’ll come out naturally. Although, frankly, feeling passionate towards a girl isn’t a bad thing.

Should I wait three days to text back?

I dunno, are you in hospital? What reason would you have to not text for three days? Do you not want to text for three days? Why not 10 days? Why not 10 minutes? Who cares. What do you actually want to do?

Are you seeing a pattern here?

What is it you actually want to do and what is it you feel you need to do?

Because if you want to speak to her, speak to her.

But if you feel you need to speak to her – why? Is it because you’re worried she’s not ‘hooked’ on you? That you’re unlikeable so you have to “keep her interested”? Is it that she might be talking to another guy?

In other words, do you feel you need to speak to her because you’re needy and insecure.

Again, is that the software you want to be using?

This is one the fundamental problems in male / female dynamics. On both sides. As an individual, you have to learn to distinguish between desire (wanting) and neediness (feeling like you have to). You have to learn to ask yourself what kind of relationship it is that you want, and what kind of person it is that you want to have a relationship with.

If you just desperately want someone, anyone to sleep with you, regardless of how they treat you or how much you don’t actually get on with them, then text as much as you feel you have to. Maybe you’ll get lucky, but, to be honest, I’m not the right guy to help you.

But if you care about distinguishing when you actually want to do something, and feeling like you have to, you’ll quickly notice that all the questions you have about texting fall away. And instead, they’re replaced with organic desire and organic connection.

The questions outlined at the start of this section are asked because of a desire to win someone. Instead, I recommend you ask yourself this:

“What do I want?’

3) WHY TEXTING SUCKS

Texting limits you to words, emojis, and if you’re really cool, gifs.

I’m assuming that if you’re texting a girl you’re doing so with the intention of building something more than friendship with her – connection on an emotional level and/or sexual level. And if that’s your goal, why would you use a tool that limits you to the barebones of conversation?

An example:

‘Fuck off.’

How does that read? Offensive? Sarcastic? Aggressive? Upset but also slightly aroused? Now imagine I put an emoji next to it. Let’s say the angry face. Does it now read angry? Or could it be sarcastic? Do you know? Or is it just really easy to misconstrue?

Now, say ‘fuck off’ to yourself in an angry voice. Then say it in a sad voice. Now a happy one.  Now a flirty one. Hell, say anything in those ways: your own name, the sentence ‘nuclear annihilation is imminent’ or simply the number 7.

Your voice and feeling change the meaning of whatever you’re saying. The feeling through which you say things is what other people communicate with.

Yes.

People largely don’t communicate in words, they communicate in emotions. Women especially do this. And in relationships of any kind or length – emotions are everything. Choose a medium of communication that facilitates them.

In fact, in studies of communication, researchers have found that it generally holds that in most situations 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, 7% is the actual words spoken.

7%.

Does that really sound like much to work with? Or does it sound like you’re limiting connection?

4) THE SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

Pick up the phone and call her.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to be sending messages all day. That’s not really my jam. I also don’t want to be obsessing over whether she likes me or not. I’d rather just do what I genuinely want to do.

Sometimes that’ll be talking to her, sometimes that won’t.

But if I do talk to her, I want it to be worthwhile – in other words, face to face, or on the phone. I want to be able to play around with tonality, intonation, pausing, the energy that mutually bounces between the two of you. Y’know, the fun stuff. I want to get attracted to her voice. I want her to laugh. I want to engage with someone.

Now, I totally get that some people, perhaps even you, find phone calls awkward. But if your intention is to meet them face to face, doesn’t it seem a little odd to be avoiding speaking to them? And if you’re thinking – “well I wouldn’t know what to say.” Ask yourself, do you really struggle to speak to people you know? Is it really that much different speaking to someone new, or is it just in your head?

These days, everyone spends all day texting, but rarely ever speaking, and almost never connecting. Queue another article on technology making us more lonely.

But the main reason you should call is this:

It’s fundamentally more attractive.

It requires more confidence, it requires more authenticity, it requires more challenge to your comfort zone; it requires more you.

And requiring more you of yourself is what develops your self.

So call.

For everything else – logistics, what time to meet, or anything that doesn’t require an actual call / is a gif of some cat – there’s texting.

Just don’t forget the aubergine emoji.

—

Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

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This Is The Most Attractive Thing You Can Ever Do

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PATRICE O’NEAL was an exceptionally gifted comedian. Referring to his standup as performances, he would prefer to improvise what he knew he wanted to talk about, adjusting it based on his own mood and the mood of the audience. As a result, his structure was haphazard and unpredictable, but the authenticity of it built a relationship between himself and the audience; a relationship where they were often at his mercy.

Jerry Seinfeld once said he never looks at the audience, instead preferring to focus on the noises, the rhythm, and sticking to the material he had in this head. Patrice was the opposite; during his standup, he didn’t just look at the audience, he involved them, he held them hostage to the uncomfortable conversations he wanted to have.

It would be easy to look at Patrice and say that his talent lay in his ability to improvise where other comedians would need planned routines; that he was just that funny. But this would miss what gave Patrice his real talent:

His unflinching honesty when it came to what he believed was the truth.

No matter who he was speaking to; man, woman, black, white – he said what he thought, and he said it unashamedly; often calling people out on their hypocrisies and exposing people to parts of themselves they weren’t aware of.

I remember when, in one of his radio appearances, a female writer called in to promote her book on how to train men to be better husbands – a book she based around applying the same techniques used in animal training. Barely seconds on the air, Patrice launched into her, saying:

“Urrrgh – that’s hilarious. Again, automatically I’m gonna tell you what the flaw is in your thinking: you don’t want to be the – the controller. That’s the thing. Women don’t want to win, you want a winner. You don’t want to rule the nest – that’s why you’ve never met a happy woman boss. You don’t wanna be there. You’re angry about being a boss. You want a boss. You want your man to be the leader. This is why it’s already flawed on a prehistoric level. Why – you don’t wanna run your husband. Do you know why running your husband is not sexy? Cause you don’t wanna be there doing it. That’s why it never works for a woman to run things – cause you don’t wanna – you look at your husband like URRRGHH – look at this bum letting me run his life. Phooey. You have a – you just have a loser for man.”

She left the call a few minutes later.

Now, I’m not here to debate the merits of Patrice’s argument (if you really want to know, I agree with him*), I’m just here to explore what it was he was doing. Which, in essence, was staying true to himself no matter what. No matter how uncomfortable, how confrontational, how alienating it was; Patrice stayed true to himself.

Whatever the subject matter. If he had a view, he said it.

In my article on Charisma, I wrote that being okay with potentially being perceived as unlikeable, and actually leaning towards that, was a hallmark of charisma. Instead of trying to please anyone, just shamelessly being yourself and expressing who you are with a take it or leave it attitude was essential.

Nowhere is this truer than in dating.

WHY MEN LIE TO WOMEN

If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, I think I need to reinforce to you the fact that men rarely tell the truth. We want to do it. But we don’t.

Instead, what we do is filter.

A common trait in people struggling with social anxiety is that they will be very conscious of what they say. They will be extremely picky about when they enter a conversation, how they enter a conversation, and acutely sensitive to how what they say will be received. Now, I don’t just mean received after they’ve said it, no, I mean how it will be received before it’s even been said.

They’re like the bad Politician version of themselves. What they say is essentially the pre-packaged, planned, and politically correct version of whatever they actually think – if you’re lucky that is. Usually, it’s just what you want to hear, regardless of what they think.

The reason for this is simple. They want you to like them.

Now you’re probably wondering “yeah that’s great, but what the hell does that have to do with men and women?”

Well with men, they almost always talk to women like they have social anxiety.

In fact, a man who talks freely around women is so rare, it may as well be a myth.

And the logic behind this makes perfect sense. When someone with social anxiety is altering their conversation, it’s to get someone to like them so they aren’t a threat and won’t socially hurt them. When a guy talking to a woman is altering his speech its also because he wants her to like him.

Can you guess why?

What is it that he could possibly want?

Whether you like it or not, a fundamental part of the male-female dynamic is that men want what women have, but women are the gatekeepers for what men want.

Part of the male psyche is always dedicated to winning what we want. Like one of those birds who builds a nest and does a dance, or a silverback who drums his chest the loudest, on some level, our actions are guided by the desire to charm or impress the gatekeeper into giving us what we want.

The problem with this, however, is that it sucks.

When you allow what you want from a woman to dictate all of your behavior, you’re allowing yourself to be driven by your neediness, your shallow baser needs, or your manipulative nature; but worse than this, you’re trading your self-respect for sex. Or in the case of relationships, love too.

Yes. Sex has become more important to you than who you are.

And on any level, relationship or single, placing sex (or love) as more important to you than who you are isn’t just a lack of self-respect, it’s an act of stupidity.*

THE MODERN PLAYER IN SEARCH OF A SOUL

The more you lie to a woman in order to get what you want, the more you aren’t just disrespecting yourself, but through that disrespect, you are making yourself far less likely to get what you want.

And the reason for this is blindingly simple.

You’re unattractive.

And I don’t mean – big nose, bad teeth, small dick unattractive.

No, I mean your soul is unattractive. Who you are is just ugly.

In my article on the Fundamental Characteristics of the Attractive Man, I stated that the only trait that mattered was that a man developed himself, for himself. Not for her. That he built his life around who he is, what he wants, and who he wants to be. He accomplished his potential, he found his enjoyment and he went after goal, after goal, after goal, because that’s exactly what he wanted to do.

But this principle of developing yourself for yourself extends even further, in a way that is so essential it baffles me that I didn’t really expand on it. Here’s what I forgot to emphasize:

When you lie to a woman, you are using your own voice, your own words, your own expression of your identity, not for yourself, but for her.

On a fundamental level, this is the most unattractive thing you can do. It doesn’t matter how much you live for yourself, develop for yourself, and have fun for yourself; if your basic expression of your own identity, in words, is not for you, but for her, then you’re toast. You’re kablooey. Like some kid who acts tough only to come across someone truly aggressive; your attractiveness was an illusion that she will very quickly see through.

Your words are the expression of who you are. Before you do anything else with your life, the words you choose to communicate with, the words you choose to say, and the words you choose to stand by are the clearest representation of who you are, and what you firmly believe. Your words are your soul.

And it’s either attractive or unattractive.

It’s either for you or for her.

KILL THE POLITICIAN

Before you do anything else you have to fix how you speak. You have to start aligning your words with what you actually think and feel.

Not what I think, not what the news thinks, not what your friend thinks, not what will avoid confrontation, not what will get you laid and not what will make you friends, get you a promotion or make your parents love you; you have the say what you think and feel.

You have to find the Politician within your soul, put a .44 Magnum to his head, and blow his brains right across your frontal cortex until there’s nothing but your unfiltered voice blasting out like a guitar solo.

In words of the late, great Bill Hicks “play from your fucking heart”.

And you have to do this every time you speak.

Now, this might sound complicated, but it’s the method is actually very simple.

  1. You get in touch with who you are.
  2. You have to take the risk and just say it.

But as step one requires being traumatized, falling in love, breaking up, reading, questioning your values and all the gold of living that you naturally will have experienced to some degree already, I’m just going to say this:

The easiest way to start understanding who you already are and what you think and feel and believe is to start writing all of it down and exploring it. Get to know yourself by confronting yourself, and supplement that with the writing of people who have also done this; Freud, Tolstoy, Rousseau, Eliot, Levi, Frankl, Emerson, Dostoyevsky, Thoreau, Twain, Nietzsche, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Schopenhauer, Jung, and pretty much anyone whose writing has stood the test of time.

Because that’s what good writing is; identity – distilled and perfected. The more you do this, the more you will figure out the essentials of who you are. The only tonic that works better is trauma, and that’ll show up when it shows up. Just strap in and enjoy the ride.

Now let’s move on to 2) You have to take the risk and just say it.

I know countless people that practice meditation who are completely out of touch with their identity and words. They have almost nothing to say, and if you ask them any penetrating questions about themselves, they sit there with this airy look about them, eyes glazed over like a caught fish – what do they sit there doing? Have they attempted to think about nothing for so long that they’ve emptied their brain of all their merit as well?

God knows.

The reason I find this ironic is that the single greatest way to murder your Politician is to develop presence. When you develop presence (read: the awareness of what is happening right now and what you are doing right now) you develop the ability to spot your own bullshit, and when you’re faking your own identity – i.e saying stuff to appease your boss, women, make friends – instead of saying what you actually think.

The more you learn to spot when you’re not saying what you think, the more you can start pulling the trigger and start saying what you actually think.

This is best represented by looking at the conventional patterns of behavior, and how they fit into your life and automatic behavioral patterns.

Friendliness, being nice, being agreeable, being a gentleman, being confrontational, expressing displeasure, expressing annoyance, silence, hatred, anger, sadness, laughing at misfortune, taking pity on someone’s misfortune; all of these are examples of typical patterns of your own behavior.

But here’s how it needs to work:

Don’t be friendly unless you want to. Sometimes, you’re gonna feel like annoyed, irritated, you’ll want to be alone. The same goes for being nice. You don’t have to be nice if you don’t feel nice; if someone’s fucked you off, tell them.

Don’t be agreeable unless you genuinely agree or get on with the person. This one is essential. If you don’t enjoy their company, if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, if you think they’re wrong, say it and voice your opinion. Yes this will be confrontational, yes this might mean you’re in the wrong sometimes, but yes this the absolute right thing to do. Back your own opinion.

Don’t be a gentleman unless you want to. Big shock but not every woman deserves to have the door held open for her. Hell, some deserve to have it slammed shut on their way out. 

Be confrontational. If your opinion, beliefs, and values come into conflict with someone else’s and you don’t say or do something – why the fuck are you even alive? Why are you the spectator of your own life?

The same goes with displeasure, annoyance, silence, anger, hatred, black humor, empathy – if they are real within you, then you need to start expressing them. Don’t hold them back.

In other words: Never lie. Never pretend.

Because the more you learn to align your voice and actions with your soul, the stronger it becomes.

This is the pumping iron of spiritual strength. And when you’ve backed who you are long enough, and developed an identity, a will, and a soul that is robust and honest – then you’ve developed a strength that nobody can fake, and nobody can take away.

This is taking responsibility for your own inner strength and worth – your own personal power.

And in seizing your personal power, you’ve made the most attractive decision you can ever make.

 

*I’ve met many individuals who claim they’d be happy with this. But I’ve never met a woman who actually was.

*This is far from something I just see in single guys. No, I see this in guys in relationships even more. Because those guys aren’t just worrying about sex, they’re worrying about love as well. If neither of those needs is in a healthy place within you, then you’re sending the Politician to talk to your partner so much that you start to morph into the Politician. 

I can’t think of a single guy I know who isn’t like this with their partner.

 

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

 

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WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

3 Unexpected Life Lessons From The Greatest Warrior of All Time

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KOJIRŌ SASAKI stood on the beach waiting for his opponent. He looked out along the shore, and across the rolling waves, but there was no sign. He had waited for hours; they had all waited for hours.

The year was 1612 and the location was Ganryu island, located off the coast of the Bizen Province in Japan. Sasaki was a masterful swordsman, who eschewed the traditional katana in favor of a ‘No-Dachi’; a long and heavy two-handed sword considered by most to be too cumbersome to be effective. But despite its length and weight, Sasaki wielded the sword with incredible speed, accuracy, and grace; basing his strikes off of a swallows tail in flight.

He had fought many duals before, and he had never lost. That’s why they called him ‘The Demon of the Western Provinces.’

His opponent was a man named Musashi Miyamoto. A vagabond and Ronin, Musashi was known for his heavy drinking, his unkempt appearance, and his flagrant disregard for the conventions of the Samurai. Despite this, he, like Sasaki, was rumored to have fought many duels and never have lost.

For each man, the other was to be his greatest opponent. Yet Musashi was nowhere to be seen.

Stood on the beach, surrounded by officials and the noise of the ocean, Sasaki began to wonder. At the very least this was a sign of disrespect, at the worst it was a sign of cowardice and his opponent had fled.

As if to confirm his suspicion, the officials around him began to whisper to one another. “Perhaps he has fled.” “Yes, he has run away in fear!” They said.

Sasaki wondered. Perhaps he had fled.

———

A few miles south of the beach, in a small inlet, a fisherman sat in his dingy. The sun was hot but wasn’t a bother. He had been paid handsomely by his passenger; a strange, disheveled looking man who sat hunched over at the end of the boat. The man, who as was usual for him, was hungover, wiped the sweat from his brow stared up at the sun, then grinned at the fisherman. Almost in contrast to his unconventional appearance, he looked happy.

Reaching down into the belly of the dingy, the man picked up a spare oar, and drawing a knife from his belt began to carve strips of wood from it. After some time and many blade-strokes, the belly of the dingy had been filled with shavings and the oar was long and curved in a smooth angle like a katana. The man smiled at his work.

“Let’s go.” He said.

Musashi Miyamoto had woken up drunk that day, and spent most of his journey to the island passed out; but his strange appearance and lateness were not accidents or flaws of character, but rather his strategy itself. Having won his first duel at the age of 13, Musashi was no stranger to combat and was something of an expert at killing samurai. Over the course of his life, he had fought in wars, killed entire dojos, and traveled far, killing famous, notable warriors; all whilst being a masterless Ronin himself.

Killing samurai wasn’t just what he did, it was what he was. Not only did he know their techniques, but he also understood their code and culture. He knew how to get under their skin.

———

It was some hours into the afternoon when Sasaki spotted the boat on the horizon. Stepping forward and shading his eyes from the sun one of his officials shrieked “It’s him! It’s Miyamoto”, which sent all the officials running back and forth, flocking to and fro from Sasaki, unsure of what to do.

Grabbing the nearest man, Sasaki looked into his stunned eyes and said “My sword.” The man stared, mouth agape then fled up the shore to a small hut, shouted at a peasant woman, then hurried back carrying a large, sheathed weapon. Sasaki took it from him and securing the sheath and hilt in each palm strode down the beach towards the shoreline.

The boat was parked just offshore, in the shallow water. A small fisherman sat in the back, fixing a wide-brimmed straw hat to his head, and in the front, a ragged looking man cut the final touches on a large wooden carving, then sprang from the boat into the knee-high water.

The man waded to the shore, drenched from the knee down, and once free of the water stopped a few up the beach to brush the sand from his feet. Saski walked forward and took in his appearance. His clothes looked like they’d be worn for days. His face was pockmarked and unshaven. But it was his gaze that affronted Sasaki most. Behind his serious composure, the man’s eyes seemed to say “Oh, so this is Sasaki – Well, what of it?”

Sasaki’s face was a carved stone, and his eyes did not blink. The two men stared at each other for some time, until an official ran between the two, followed the flock. “Miyamoto,” he said, and Mushashi nodded. The officials all stared, and their heads turned between the two, back and forth, waiting for some kind of movement. Some were stunned, some were scared, and all of them standing on edge.

Striding forward, Sasaki gripped the hilt of his sword, adopted his footing (never too wide, never too short, with his feet loose and agile), and drawing the katana from its sheath, tossed the scabbard onto the sand.

Musashi looked at the sheath, then him, and with a new wildness in his eyes said: “if you have no use for your sheath, you are already dead.”

But Sasaki heard nothing. His hands did not tremble, his body did not move. His pulse was steady, his breathing was rhythmic. This, he had practiced. He was Sasaki Kojiro and he had never lost a duel. He knew this from experience, from what others told him, and from what he told himself in comfort, whenever he felt pangs of doubt or moral discomfort. He was Sasaki Kojiro, victory was as certain as it ever was, as it always was, not simply for the work and achievement he had so far accrued, but because of the being that he knew he was in relation to other men. The knowledge of his superiority to other men and his habitual expectation of their deference was why, despite his outward and internal physical calm, his mind blazed with fury. He was Sasaki Kojiro, and here was his opponent; a filthy, unkempt man who kept him waiting and arrived carrying a piece of wood. To any Samurai this would be a mark of dishonor, but to Sasaki, this was a disgrace.

Musashi stepped forward and their eyes met. He raised his weapon, an enormously long carved wooden oar, as long, if not longer than Sasaki’s own No-Dachi. His internal state was hidden, Sasaki detected that much, but his stance was fine, comfortable and confident; all the details of his body, his expression and the position of his sword spoke clearly; disgrace or no, Sasaki knew, as any master of a profession knows, that he was in the company of a man equal in his craft. Sasaki stepped forward, Musashi back; it seemed he too, had come to the same conclusion.

The officials gasped and sprang back. Many who were friends of Sasaki said nothing and simply stood horror-struck, tearing at their beards. A few seagulls had flown down to the shallow water, bobbing like boats, to watch the proceedings. All were silent, save for a young boy who at a slight movement from Sasaki burst into tears and fled towards the trees.

Sasaki felt calm now. His body was relaxed, but his grip was firm. His eyes, locked on Musashi, felt like dew drops. There was little sensation in him except for his breathing; but behind it, there was a disgust that was held for Musashi. He cared little for him and wanted to disgrace him by killing him on the beach.

A wave crashed and Sasaki struck a swift blow, Musashi moved and lashed out with his oar. “Ah ha!” Sasaki thought to himself, “that was the fatal strike!” Sasaki moved forward towards the sand. “He is defeated!” But there was a glare in his eyes, and he thought “What is this?” And could not recall where he was and what had occurred. “Yes, this is the beach.” He thought. Then, lying on his back in the sand, he grew tired, cared nothing for fighting, and forgot about that and everything else, and only wished for the sun to leave his sight.

— — —

Musashi Miyamoto stood above his opponent, watching him die. The officials were half-mad, some screaming and others stooping over to look at Sasaki.

Musashi, still trembling with nerves, felt great unease at how important the man had seemed only a few seconds earlier, only now to die peacefully on the sand, with a childlike smile on his face that was quite detached from the reality of everything that had occurred. He couldn’t help but think the man was quite beautiful, and he had destroyed something beautiful for no reason at all. He wished he could end all of this nonsense, wake the man up and talk to him. Instead, the man slowly stopped breathing, as the blood pooled around his chest.

Musashi felt a pang of sadness. Here was one of the greatest swordsman that ever lived, and now he was dead, and that was that. Musashi looked at him and bowed, then, leaving the officials with the body, he turned and marched down the beach, through the waves, and climbed back onto the boat. Some of the officials who loved Sasaki ran down the beach into the surf after him, swinging katanas and shouting, but it was too late, the tide had gone out and Musashi had gone.

— — —

Musashi Miyamoto* had fought in countless duels, but it would be this one that would change his life. Self-taught from a young age, Musashi had his first duel at the age of 13, where he struck down a Samurai. Continuing on to fight in wars and dueling, Mushashi came to know everything there was to know about combat, going so far as to develop his own style; which ignored most of the accepted teachings at the time, and was based largely on efficiency and practicality, removing all flowery movements.

Later in his life, he retired to a cave and would go on to write his treatise on life and strategy called “The Book of the Five Rings”, as well as his “Dokkodo”; his 21 rules for a disciplined life. Remembered mostly for his incredible fighting ability and for the wisdom of his later writings – Musashi has always struck me as a fascinating figure, not so much for what he accomplished, but because of the principles that allowed him to accomplish it. He’s a man who sought complete perfection in what he did, but at the same time completely spat in the face of the accepted culture of his time.

There are many lessons to learn from Musashi, but I believe it is these principles that serve to teach us the best lessons. Not just on achievement, but on living itself.

Here are the lessons of Musashi Miyamoto.

YOU’RE GOING ABOUT LEARNING IN ALL THE WRONG WAYS

It’s easy to think that in our desire to acquire mastery of a skill we have to rigorously adhere to the way of mastery that has gone before us. We ask “how do I write a book?”, “how do I start a business?”, “how do I have good relationships?” and we search and consume information that we believe will show us the way to master and achieve these various goals.

But in many cases, this is failing before we’ve even begun.

In many cases, there is no way, there’s only your way.

Musashi defeated every opponent he came across. No matter how much they trained, no matter which style they’d mastered, no matter how many people they’d beaten; they all lost.

Yet Musashi never had a master or even a formal style. He taught himself. In his own words:

“You can win with a long weapon, and yet you can also win with a short weapon. In short, the Way of the Ichi school is the spirit of winning, whatever the weapon and whatever its size.”

A Ronin from a young age, Musashi was forced (or rather, compelled) to wander through life figuring everything out for himself. His approach was unconventional from the outset, and in many ways seems to have been set in tone from his first duel, when, at the age of 13, he defeated a master samurai using the man’s own short sword and a wooden pole.

Because he taught himself, Musashi didn’t have a fighting style that was particular to anyone else; in fact, he invented his own. It’s a style that’s best captured in his own words: “I practice many arts and abilities — all things with no teacher”

Musashi approached the craft of fighting from a place of reality. Taught entirely through his own real-world experience and ruthless desire for perfection, Musashi was quick to disregard many of the accepted practices of other fighting styles – considering many of their movements unnecessary, impractical, and serving only to impress onlookers. Instead, his style was quick and efficient, utilizing both hands and simple, practical movements. The clearest embodiment of this was his choice to weird two swords, instead of one.

When we’re attempting something new we almost inevitably come to a head-on collision with our fear of failure. We feel constrained or withheld, we avoid and procrastinate, and we doubt and deny our ability. This is normal, hell I feel it every day, but it also causes us to look for ways to circumvent our fear and find a path towards our goal that will make us feel safe.

Like a guide, a teacher, or a master.

But if we stop for a moment, and really consider the skill we are trying to achieve, how often can the skill we desire not be learned with common sense? Is writing a book really that complicated? Is starting a business truly that confusing? Is having good relationships really a mystery?

Or are you just scared you’ll fail and not sitting down and using your own imagination and problem-solving abilities?

Musashi is an example I always return to when I think of self-trust. When I want to try something frightening and doubt myself, I always think:

  • How can I solve this problem?
  • What do I need to achieve in order to solve this?
  • What do I need to do in order to achieve that?
  • What do I need to learn in order to do that?
  • What is the best way to learn this?
  • Is there any reason I can’t learn this by action and reflection?
  • Will I learn more by teaching myself than by having anyone else teach me?

This is nothing new. Experience has long been touted as the best teacher, and I’m not here to say anything different. What I’m suggesting is that when fear strikes, and you begin to doubt your ability to do this on your own; fight doubt with doubt. Doubt your reasoning up until now and instead break down the problem you’re confronted with. Engage your brain and figure out solutions for yourself. Because it’s going to force you to come to the conclusion you’re desperately trying to avoid:

That you need to take action. You need to try.

Instead of reading how-to guides, your attempt to write a book becomes a process that evolves as you write the book. Instead of going to seminars and taking lessons on entrepreneurship, you start building a useful product that you can either pitch to investors or start selling. Instead of reading blogs on the internet on how to have good relationships, you go outside and start talking to girls, getting rejected and learning from it.

Because in doing so, you don’t learn someone else’s way, you learn your way. And that’s something nobody else knows and nobody else can teach, and the world has never seen before.

STOP LOOKING FOR SUCCESS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

I imagine that after killing Sasaki, the greatest rival of his age, Musashi looked upon his dying opponent and wondered why it was that instead of feeling happiness, he felt only sadness. He was finally the greatest fighter of his age, but instead of feeling joy, he felt only the sadness that he had killed this warrior for no reason at all.

It’s been noted that this was the moment Musashi refused to kill in duels ever again but I would imagine it was also the genesis of what he came to express later in life:

“There is nothing outside of yourself that can ever enable you to get better, stronger, richer, quicker, or smarter. Everything is within. Everything exists. Seek nothing outside yourself.”

Everything is within. Seek nothing outside yourself.

A product of his age and ambition, Musashi was a killer, but he was not a psychopath. He came to realize that despite achieving what he’d wanted to achieve, it did not bring him anything he wanted, it only came with the cost of a great man’s life. Something he ultimately did not want.

Although a dramatic example, it taught him the example he needed; we cannot find what we want outside of ourselves without first finding it inside. For him, this was satisfaction that came from dueling, but for yourself, it might be a sense of importance from fame, a sense a manliness from having a lot of sex, a sense of superiority through becoming successful – all of this isn’t going to work. You’ll just end up like Musashi, wondering where the feeling you thought you’d have has gone. If you don’t already have it internally, you’ll never find it.

You have to change how you feel inside. Nothing else will work.

I believe this is why a lot of guys I know continually find themselves chasing women. They believe that aside from the satisfaction of getting laid, they’ll feel a sense of internal fulfillment; but when they do finally get laid, they never feel this sense of fulfillment, and instead of questioning this, they simply chase the next girl hoping she will be the one do it for them. They crave more, thinking that will solve their problem rather than confronting the problem itself.

I see this with sex, money, success; any form of material ambition that once achieved doesn’t live up to what we think it would. We either reevaluate or we chase more.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the same people who chase more, only to feel nothing, often end up spouting nihilistic beliefs. They looked for meaning outside of themselves. And as Musashi says “there is nothing outside yourself.” When you’ve lived a life finding nothing, you start beginning to believe life is meaningless.

This perspective is often the most challenging to take on because it directly confronts our ego. But ultimately that is the choice. We have to let it go, or let it win. We have to keep feeding it externally, or instead look internally, and find what we were always searching for in the first place.

THE COMPOUNDING OF SHITTY LIFE CHOICES ™

One of the most harmless ways to ruin your life is to waste your time on pointless crap. At the time, it might seem like you’re enjoying yourself, but as these small moments of waste pile up and compound on each other, suddenly it’s 5 years later, and you’ve spent nearly a quarter of your life staring at a smartphone. It’s moments like this that make people wonder where their youth went, and why they can’t seem to achieve their dreams, or even worse, never did at all.

Aristotle said that “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” The way we use our time then determines the person that we are. And when we use our time poorly, this poor use of time compounds and grows until years have passed and we are no longer a person we ever wanted to be.

Queue the panic attack and mid-life crisis.

I call this the Compounding of Shitty Life Choices™ and it’s acting on you every day. It’s acting on you right now. Each time you take an action which is poorly chosen, worthless or completely negative, this adds to the pile of shitty actions you’ve already taken, stored away in your life like a bank vault of fuckups. And like a bank, you get interested on this in the form of the resulting poor self-esteem.

And the more you add, the more it grows; and the more it grows, the more you hate yourself.

This brings me to two quotes I’ve always liked by Musashi:

“Do nothing which is of no use.” And “Today is a victory over yourself of yesterday.”

The first is probably my favorite, exceptionally brutal qualifier on how we spend our time. Once it’s in your brain, it sticks like a virus and questions “is this useful?”, and then if it isn’t “why are you doing this? What could you be doing instead?”

When we orientate our lives into useful activity, our choices compound into massive results that are massively useful; like a book, a business, or a good relationship. When we orientate our behavior into useful activity, we actively medicate ourselves against the ever building effects of the Compounding of Shitty Life Choices™.

When we get all stuffy and bogged down with crap, all it takes is one useful decision to start setting it right. And when we start building the habit of doing that every day, we’re not just setting our days right, we’re setting our lives right.

This is not to say that things like playing video games and watching youtube videos are something you should never do. Fun is useful after all, it just comes down to moderating excess, knowing whether your actions are truly making you happy,  and being conscious of how you are spending your time. If all of your actions are like water that spills into either one of two cups, a good choices cup, and a bad choices cup, make sure the majority of your actions flow into the former, so that at the end of the day, it’s as close to the brim as you could get it.

Try it and see if you aren’t satisfied.

Musashi’s second quote is a useful reminder and antidote to the ever-present and ever negative berating of self-esteem.

“Today is a victory over yourself of yesterday.”

It’s easy when we’ve consistently failed to develop ourselves to get caught in patterns of negative self-talk where we endlessly reinforce an idea of who we are (usually, that we suck), telling ourselves that we cannot achieve what we want to achieve because not only have we failed but that we are a failure.

Sometimes, the argument can seem pretty convincing.

But just because you’ve failed in the past doesn’t mean you are a failure, it just means you need to do something different today. You need to take a different action to the one that resulted in failure. You need to start the day anew and try something new. And then you need to do that tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that, until finally, you are that ‘something new.’

Don’t get hung up on the past. Defeat the past.

 

*In Japanese, the last name is typically said first, so the correct way to say his name would be Miyamoto Musashi, although, as I’m writing in English I felt it better to stick to English conventions. The same can be said for Sasaki Kojiro.

 

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