LIFE UNCIVILIZED

Dating And Life Advice For Men

Sex

This Is The Most Attractive Thing You Can Ever Do

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PATRICE O’NEAL was an exceptionally gifted comedian. Referring to his standup as performances, he would prefer to improvise what he knew he wanted to talk about, adjusting it based on his own mood and the mood of the audience. As a result, his structure was haphazard and unpredictable, but the authenticity of it built a relationship between himself and the audience; a relationship where they were often at his mercy.

Jerry Seinfeld once said he never looks at the audience, instead preferring to focus on the noises, the rhythm, and sticking to the material he had in this head. Patrice was the opposite; during his standup, he didn’t just look at the audience, he involved them, he held them hostage to the uncomfortable conversations he wanted to have.

It would be easy to look at Patrice and say that his talent lay in his ability to improvise where other comedians would need planned routines; that he was just that funny. But this would miss what gave Patrice his real talent:

His unflinching honesty when it came to what he believed was the truth.

No matter who he was speaking to; man, woman, black, white – he said what he thought, and he said it unashamedly; often calling people out on their hypocrisies and exposing people to parts of themselves they weren’t aware of.

I remember when, in one of his radio appearances, a female writer called in to promote her book on how to train men to be better husbands – a book she based around applying the same techniques used in animal training. Barely seconds on the air, Patrice launched into her, saying:

“Urrrgh – that’s hilarious. Again, automatically I’m gonna tell you what the flaw is in your thinking: you don’t want to be the – the controller. That’s the thing. Women don’t want to win, you want a winner. You don’t want to rule the nest – that’s why you’ve never met a happy woman boss. You don’t wanna be there. You’re angry about being a boss. You want a boss. You want your man to be the leader. This is why it’s already flawed on a prehistoric level. Why – you don’t wanna run your husband. Do you know why running your husband is not sexy? Cause you don’t wanna be there doing it. That’s why it never works for a woman to run things – cause you don’t wanna – you look at your husband like URRRGHH – look at this bum letting me run his life. Phooey. You have a – you just have a loser for man.”

She left the call a few minutes later.

Now, I’m not here to debate the merits of Patrice’s argument (if you really want to know, I agree with him*), I’m just here to explore what it was he was doing. Which, in essence, was staying true to himself no matter what. No matter how uncomfortable, how confrontational, how alienating it was; Patrice stayed true to himself.

Whatever the subject matter. If he had a view, he said it.

In my article on Charisma, I wrote that being okay with potentially being perceived as unlikeable, and actually leaning towards that, was a hallmark of charisma. Instead of trying to please anyone, just shamelessly being yourself and expressing who you are with a take it or leave it attitude was essential.

Nowhere is this truer than in dating.

WHY MEN LIE TO WOMEN

If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, I think I need to reinforce to you the fact that men rarely tell the truth. We want to do it. But we don’t.

Instead, what we do is filter.

A common trait in people struggling with social anxiety is that they will be very conscious of what they say. They will be extremely picky about when they enter a conversation, how they enter a conversation, and acutely sensitive to how what they say will be received. Now, I don’t just mean received after they’ve said it, no, I mean how it will be received before it’s even been said.

They’re like the bad Politician version of themselves. What they say is essentially the pre-packaged, planned, and politically correct version of whatever they actually think – if you’re lucky that is. Usually, it’s just what you want to hear, regardless of what they think.

The reason for this is simple. They want you to like them.

Now you’re probably wondering “yeah that’s great, but what the hell does that have to do with men and women?”

Well with men, they almost always talk to women like they have social anxiety.

In fact, a man who talks freely around women is so rare, it may as well be a myth.

And the logic behind this makes perfect sense. When someone with social anxiety is altering their conversation, it’s to get someone to like them so they aren’t a threat and won’t socially hurt them. When a guy talking to a woman is altering his speech its also because he wants her to like him.

Can you guess why?

What is it that he could possibly want?

Whether you like it or not, a fundamental part of the male-female dynamic is that men want what women have, but women are the gatekeepers for what men want.

Part of the male psyche is always dedicated to winning what we want. Like one of those birds who builds a nest and does a dance, or a silverback who drums his chest the loudest, on some level, our actions are guided by the desire to charm or impress the gatekeeper into giving us what we want.

The problem with this, however, is that it sucks.

When you allow what you want from a woman to dictate all of your behavior, you’re allowing yourself to be driven by your neediness, your shallow baser needs, or your manipulative nature; but worse than this, you’re trading your self-respect for sex. Or in the case of relationships, love too.

Yes. Sex has become more important to you than who you are.

And on any level, relationship or single, placing sex (or love) as more important to you than who you are isn’t just a lack of self-respect, it’s an act of stupidity.*

THE MODERN PLAYER IN SEARCH OF A SOUL

The more you lie to a woman in order to get what you want, the more you aren’t just disrespecting yourself, but through that disrespect, you are making yourself far less likely to get what you want.

And the reason for this is blindingly simple.

You’re unattractive.

And I don’t mean – big nose, bad teeth, small dick unattractive.

No, I mean your soul is unattractive. Who you are is just ugly.

In my article on the Fundamental Characteristics of the Attractive Man, I stated that the only trait that mattered was that a man developed himself, for himself. Not for her. That he built his life around who he is, what he wants, and who he wants to be. He accomplished his potential, he found his enjoyment and he went after goal, after goal, after goal, because that’s exactly what he wanted to do.

But this principle of developing yourself for yourself extends even further, in a way that is so essential it baffles me that I didn’t really expand on it. Here’s what I forgot to emphasize:

When you lie to a woman, you are using your own voice, your own words, your own expression of your identity, not for yourself, but for her.

On a fundamental level, this is the most unattractive thing you can do. It doesn’t matter how much you live for yourself, develop for yourself, and have fun for yourself; if your basic expression of your own identity, in words, is not for you, but for her, then you’re toast. You’re kablooey. Like some kid who acts tough only to come across someone truly aggressive; your attractiveness was an illusion that she will very quickly see through.

Your words are the expression of who you are. Before you do anything else with your life, the words you choose to communicate with, the words you choose to say, and the words you choose to stand by are the clearest representation of who you are, and what you firmly believe. Your words are your soul.

And it’s either attractive or unattractive.

It’s either for you or for her.

KILL THE POLITICIAN

Before you do anything else you have to fix how you speak. You have to start aligning your words with what you actually think and feel.

Not what I think, not what the news thinks, not what your friend thinks, not what will avoid confrontation, not what will get you laid and not what will make you friends, get you a promotion or make your parents love you; you have the say what you think and feel.

You have to find the Politician within your soul, put a .44 Magnum to his head, and blow his brains right across your frontal cortex until there’s nothing but your unfiltered voice blasting out like a guitar solo.

In words of the late, great Bill Hicks “play from your fucking heart”.

And you have to do this every time you speak.

Now, this might sound complicated, but it’s the method is actually very simple.

  1. You get in touch with who you are.
  2. You have to take the risk and just say it.

But as step one requires being traumatized, falling in love, breaking up, reading, questioning your values and all the gold of living that you naturally will have experienced to some degree already, I’m just going to say this:

The easiest way to start understanding who you already are and what you think and feel and believe is to start writing all of it down and exploring it. Get to know yourself by confronting yourself, and supplement that with the writing of people who have also done this; Freud, Tolstoy, Rousseau, Eliot, Levi, Frankl, Emerson, Dostoyevsky, Thoreau, Twain, Nietzsche, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Schopenhauer, Jung, and pretty much anyone whose writing has stood the test of time.

Because that’s what good writing is; identity – distilled and perfected. The more you do this, the more you will figure out the essentials of who you are. The only tonic that works better is trauma, and that’ll show up when it shows up. Just strap in and enjoy the ride.

Now let’s move on to 2) You have to take the risk and just say it.

I know countless people that practice meditation who are completely out of touch with their identity and words. They have almost nothing to say, and if you ask them any penetrating questions about themselves, they sit there with this airy look about them, eyes glazed over like a caught fish – what do they sit there doing? Have they attempted to think about nothing for so long that they’ve emptied their brain of all their merit as well?

God knows.

The reason I find this ironic is that the single greatest way to murder your Politician is to develop presence. When you develop presence (read: the awareness of what is happening right now and what you are doing right now) you develop the ability to spot your own bullshit, and when you’re faking your own identity – i.e saying stuff to appease your boss, women, make friends – instead of saying what you actually think.

The more you learn to spot when you’re not saying what you think, the more you can start pulling the trigger and start saying what you actually think.

This is best represented by looking at the conventional patterns of behavior, and how they fit into your life and automatic behavioral patterns.

Friendliness, being nice, being agreeable, being a gentleman, being confrontational, expressing displeasure, expressing annoyance, silence, hatred, anger, sadness, laughing at misfortune, taking pity on someone’s misfortune; all of these are examples of typical patterns of your own behavior.

But here’s how it needs to work:

Don’t be friendly unless you want to. Sometimes, you’re gonna feel like annoyed, irritated, you’ll want to be alone. The same goes for being nice. You don’t have to be nice if you don’t feel nice; if someone’s fucked you off, tell them.

Don’t be agreeable unless you genuinely agree or get on with the person. This one is essential. If you don’t enjoy their company, if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, if you think they’re wrong, say it and voice your opinion. Yes this will be confrontational, yes this might mean you’re in the wrong sometimes, but yes this the absolute right thing to do. Back your own opinion.

Don’t be a gentleman unless you want to. Big shock but not every woman deserves to have the door held open for her. Hell, some deserve to have it slammed shut on their way out. 

Be confrontational. If your opinion, beliefs, and values come into conflict with someone else’s and you don’t say or do something – why the fuck are you even alive? Why are you the spectator of your own life?

The same goes with displeasure, annoyance, silence, anger, hatred, black humor, empathy – if they are real within you, then you need to start expressing them. Don’t hold them back.

In other words: Never lie. Never pretend.

Because the more you learn to align your voice and actions with your soul, the stronger it becomes.

This is the pumping iron of spiritual strength. And when you’ve backed who you are long enough, and developed an identity, a will, and a soul that is robust and honest – then you’ve developed a strength that nobody can fake, and nobody can take away.

This is taking responsibility for your own inner strength and worth – your own personal power.

And in seizing your personal power, you’ve made the most attractive decision you can ever make.

 

*I’ve met many individuals who claim they’d be happy with this. But I’ve never met a woman who actually was.

*This is far from something I just see in single guys. No, I see this in guys in relationships even more. Because those guys aren’t just worrying about sex, they’re worrying about love as well. If neither of those needs is in a healthy place within you, then you’re sending the Politician to talk to your partner so much that you start to morph into the Politician. 

I can’t think of a single guy I know who isn’t like this with their partner.

 

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

 

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Here’s The Truth About Being A ‘Player’ – The Sad, Emotionally Stunted Reality Of Your Fantasy

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truth about being a player

IT WAS A sobering moment when I befriended guys who ‘got laid all the time.’ I had formed an idea of who I wanted to be in my mind, an idea that was based around how I wished to behave, the results I wanted to get, and the way people would react to me. This idea, to my mind, would prevent me from feeling what I felt at the time; loneliness, sadness, and shame.

Based on what I felt was lacking within me, this idea took root in the real world as a ‘player’. A guy who got all the girls, and was capable of getting the validation I emotionally needed at the time. For a long time, it was my ultimate fantasy.

Eventually, it came to be something that I outgrew. And a lot of (read: all) the things I learned along the way ended up on this blog and in my Complete Dating Course. (Which is 8-hours of video lessons and exercise goodness, alright, alright back to the article).

The truth was that like any fantasy when it came to my idea of the ‘player’ – reality had its ugly way with it. 

THE PLAYER

I was sat in a hostel in South East Asia, talking with a guy who had an exceptional ability with women. When we went out, he’d almost always bring one home. He’d talk to them in bars, the club, the street, everywhere. When I asked him about his life, he always had stories littered with women. In fact, it seemed his stories never ran out. He’d experienced everything.

But despite this, something always seemed off.

Halfway through his latest story, probably about some South American threesome, or that stripper he took home, I asked him if he’d ever had a long-term relationship. He said he had, then continued on with a story, probably about an air hostess. He was smiling and happy, but his body language screamed at me that he had avoided the question. So later I asked him again.

And I noticed a pattern.

When he talked about his Ex, it was stories about how she wasn’t over him, how whenever he went home she would jump at the chance to make herself available, how he felt sorry for her and sorry for the guy she was with. When he talked about his Ex, he made a point of illustrating how she knew she had lost out, because, clearly, he was such a great guy.

It was a pattern of details, of attention; where he always seemed to find a way to illustrate how desirable he was, and how hopeless women were without him. And it didn’t just pervade the stories of his ex, I came to realize it occurred in every story he told and everything he did.

It was one of those points in a conversation where the connection between you breaks, and you realize, despite the apparent similarities, that this is someone who is different to you on a fundamental level. He needed me to know his Ex regretted losing him. He needed girls to want to sleep with him and he needed me to know girls wanted to sleep with him. Because, at the base of it all, he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to himself. He needed all these things.

He was consumed by his need for validation.

THE NEED FOR EMOTIONAL VALIDATION

Despite the attention he got, the lifestyle he had, and the confidence he walked around with – there was something oddly hollow about him, something pitiable. I saw in him everything external that I wanted, but at the same time, nothing that I wanted internally. He was a man at once propelled by his confidence and ability, whilst at the same time, stunted by his malformed emotional needs, which he constantly had to placate with validation. Inside, he was just as needy as I was when I had started. He was just as needy as a guy who couldn’t get laid.*

Despite his results, he was everything I was trying to run away from.

Befriending guys like this, I eventually became disillusioned with my fantasy. The reality wasn’t a life I wanted, and it was a life that seemed to trap a lot of men. No ‘player’ seemed to have made it out the other side. Far from being immune to the pains that had driven me to seek validation from women, these men had been consumed by it. But what’s worse is that whilst they got laid all the time, they never, ever got the kind of girl who was impressive in her own right (confident, self-assured, and with her shit together). Instead, they had just become really good at gaming emotionally needy women. Because they were so emotionally stunted, all they could attract were emotionally stunted women.*

Both of them, locked in some need for validation from one another.

Right before my eyes, the James Bond fantasy became unmasked like some Scooby Doo episode as the babyish, emotionally immature fantasy that it always was. It turned out to be a life I didn’t want; and more importantly, a weak man that I never wanted to become. 

THE REALITY OF MOST ‘PLAYERS’

A lot of guys find it hard to move beyond this need for validation. Hell, I still do too, even though I actively try to avoid it. The truth though, is that this lifestyle, without exception, has appeared in my life as something entirely without merit. Aside from a basic ability to confront anxiety, this lifestyle is usually an indication of an innate inability to confront something about oneself. 

This, of course, is not to say that being promiscuous is bad. It is only to say that your attachment to the idea, and any attachment to the idea you see in others – is almost always a bad sign. A sign that you or they are emotionally stuck, and going to stagnate.

When we let go of the hunger for validation, we invite into our lives a quality of emotional living that rewards us with enriched opportunities from life. If we truly value our development over our need for validation, then the outcome we invite is that we live lives that are in a constant state of growth. Instead of feeling we need to be someone, we organically become someone.

Instead of telling people stories to enhance our ego, we tell people stories that add something to their lives. Instead of learning how to attract a certain kind of woman, we naturally attract the kind of woman who is right for us.*

With the rise of online dating, the shallowness of relationships has never been higher. Any guy with decent photos and a lick of confidence can become a ‘player’. But in becoming this player, he inadvertently confines himself within a sphere of emotional growth. It’s never been easier to get validation, but it’s validation that we should be wary of. Because looking outside yourself for fulfillment, in itself, stops you as soon as you get it.

Instead of aspiring to become another fantasy, hold your emotional richness as a benchmark for your own achievement. Look to overcome your fear, enhance your happiness, expand your comfort zone and diversify your identity. Instead of becoming a fantasy that exists to get you validation from women, become a fantasy that exists to make your life more fulfilling.

Because when you do, the women will come, and instead of being limited by it, you’ll be all the better for it.

—

*I still see this same guy posting pathetic and ill-veiled updates on Facebook talking about how he’s newly single and ready to go wild. As if anyone cares and it isn’t blindingly obvious this is just to make his Ex jealous.

*If this is something you’re into, go for it. Personally, I’ve always found it unfulfilling, boring, and not much of a rewarding challenge.

*Unsurprisingly, the kind of woman who could lock us down.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

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Rejection Is Your Best Friend – How To Attract Women Who Are Genuinely Into You

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I SPENT MOST of my youth chasing relationships that were destined to crash into a screaming shit-heap, only for me to brush myself off, sniff-out another disaster, and head careening straight for it.

Like anyone else in those situations, I blamed it on luck. I was never one of those who outwardly said “I’m unlucky in love”, but inwardly, I was one of those who said “I’m unlucky in love”, whilst nursing a pot-noodle and watching sobbing re-runs of Titanic.

Whether it was a short, medium or long-term relationships, there seemed to be something about me that was preventing me from having the kind of relationship I actually wanted. Y’know, the fulfilling, exciting, supermodel one. Everything I ended up with was some measure of half-enthusiastic, halfheartedness, leaving me in a constant state of chasing someone who wasn’t really that into me.

It was a drag.

Our relationships in life say a lot about who we are as people. In his masterpiece, Anna Karenina, Tolstoy wrote “all happy families resemble one another. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I believe this is the same for a successful relationship, only in reverse. There is an essential element to relationships, that, depending on how we approach it, is either our best friend or our worst enemy. And it is our approach to this element that determines not only the initial success of the relationship but also the continued success of the relationship.

That element is rejection. And how we approach it determines everything.

THE MODEL OF ATTRACTION

When we attempt to meet new people in order to pursue a short or long term relationship, we will typically find ones we are physically attracted to and seek to win their attraction, approval, and interest.

This model of relationship building is the auto-pilot default of human mating, and it’s off shoots lie in the realms of flattery, coercion, fakery, supplication, approval seeking, disingenuousness, and pandering.

This model is engaged with, not just with the outcome of a relationship in mind, but more so because of the awareness of the obstacle that is present in the pursuit of that relationship: that is, the potential rejection.

Everything done in the attempt to win the approval of the one we’re attracted to is a direct effort to counteract and avoid this rejection. But this rarely results in the outcome we want.

I’ve written in other articles explaining how this behavior is unattractive in itself. So by approaching a woman we’re attracted to in this manner actively makes them less attracted to us. We’re making deliberate strides to shoot ourselves in the foot. But more importantly, the results we receive from this kind of pursuit are either empty-handedness or worse, we’re left with someone who we have convinced to be somewhat interested in who we have wanted them to perceive us as. Instead of leaving us with someone who likes us, avoiding rejection either leaves us rejected for being unattractive, or with someone who likes someone we aren’t.

THE COUNTERINTUITIVE APPROACH

The opposite to this approach is simple.

We aim to get rejected.

A running theme in my articles is this: “find the cause of the shitty results in your life and do the opposite.” Tired of working hours on something and getting nowhere? Spend a day doing nothing at all and watch the creative spark detonate. Bored of your life and its unfulfilling routine? Replace your external environment piece by piece, and watch that life change before your eyes.

In dating my advice is no different. When avoidance of rejection leaves you alone or in unsatisfying, broken relationships; the answer is to start inviting rejection into your life.

When I met my ex-girlfriend for the first time, I was overwhelmed with an awareness of my own behavior and the risks that my behavior posed to the potential relationship (read: sex) that loomed over the horizon. However, far from being introspective, I was instead hyper-aware of her and simply reacted accordingly. Unbeknownst to her, she was the hand on my marionette. The elements of my personality that were incompatible with her I simply kept hidden. Unsurprisingly, the result was two people, who although they liked each other, always struggled to make their relationship work.*

It turned out that in looking to not get rejected, I had rejected the possibility of a great relationship from my life. Leaving only a broken one.

We avoid rejection because we don’t like what it says about us. It says we aren’t good enough, it says we aren’t worthy; and we avoid it because worst of all, it feels like it’s validating what we already know; that we’re unlovable and destined to be alone. When our self-esteem is vulnerable, we avoid blows from rejection as if they were physical wounds. But as a result of this avoidance of rejection, we simultaneously avoid the very thing that will develop and strengthen our self-esteem; being accepted for who we really are.

When we avoid rejection by altering how we behave, what we tolerate and what we want to do, we actively reject ourselves from ever being accepted for any of those things. In other words, we stop ourselves from ever being liked for just being ourselves.

If someone rejects you for who you are, this is someone who you would never have a fulfilling relationship with. If someone accepts you for who you are, this is someone you would have a fulfilling relationship with by doing virtually nothing. This is, incidentally, why the majority of my pickup advice is: develop yourself, make a move.

DEEP REJECTION

If we actively avoid rejection out of a desire to be loved, it can be reasoned that we believe we are unworthy of love as we are, and therefore we aren’t just avoiding rejection from them; but we are actually doing far worse:

We are rejecting ourselves.

When we accept a relationship with someone who has a middling response to us, we are accepting that as the life we want and we are accepting that as the relationship we deserve. The truth of rejection is that we are rejecting ourselves before anyone else ever has the chance to.

This mismanagement of priorities comes from an inability to understand what makes us happy. When we believe a relationship will make us happy, we will actively pursue any relationship. When we feel we need validation in order to be happy, we will seek people’s approval at any cost.

The longer we remain trapped in a web of toxic motivation and needy behavior, the longer we will avoid rejection and shut ourselves off from rewarding relationships. The onus then is on ourselves to take responsibility for our approach to relationships and rejection.

LETTING GO

The simplest way to start getting the quality of relationships you truly want in your life, whether that be short term flings or long, fulfilling intimacy, is to start letting go of the desire to not be rejected.

Accept that it’s there, acknowledge it, then do the opposite. The more you develop an awareness of the ways in which you are avoiding rejection, and adjust your behavior accordingly, the more you open yourself up to meeting great people. Letting go of your avoidance of rejection isn’t about not feeling a desire to avoid it, it’s about recognizing that desire when it occurs, and in the many ways it occurs, and acting in spite of it.

This might be anything from not approaching her, to not speaking your mind, to not being as physical as you feel like you want to. Anything.

In a question, this process would ask: “Am I rejecting myself right now?”

Let’s say you want to get laid in a nightclub. The most likely person to sleep with you is a sexually active, attracted girl, who is comfortable with her sexuality. By actively being upfront and direct about your intentions and sexuality, you screen out girls who aren’t into you or comfortable with their sexuality, and you actually invite a girl into your life who views sexuality the same way you do. By getting rejected more, you have more sex. Go figure.

At the opposite end of the scale, in long term relationships, you are far more likely to meet someone who genuinely likes you for who you are if you are accepting rejection from people who don’t like you for you are. Instead of trying to ‘get back in touch’ with the ex who doesn’t want you, or trying to win over the girl who isn’t that interested, you accept the rejection and move on to people who are actually interested, genuinely invested, and much more capable of falling in love with you.

When you let go of your need to avoid rejection, you free yourself to start seizing opportunities; the more you get rejected for who you actually are, the faster you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who are interested and invested in who you are.

A LIFESTYLE OF REJECTION

The more we invest in who we feel need to be in order to be loveable, the more we invest in rejecting ourselves. Rejection doesn’t just lie within our behaviors around others, but in the very way we live our lives.

If we feel that we need to earn money in order to be worthy of love; we will devote all our efforts to pursuing that in the hope that we’ll get our needs met, all whilst simultaneously ignoring any germ of true personality that lies within us. If we feel we need to be funny and charming in order to be liked, we will smooth over moments of natural tension in interactions and destroy any spark that could have taken life.

When we fail to develop our lives and develop the richness of diversity and opportunity that exists within its potential; we reject ourselves from meeting a broad variety of people that would match us.

If we pay attention to finding the gold within us – maybe our desire to get into politics, or our desire to blog and travel, or our love of Japanese Anime, rugby, wrestling, classic literature, black and white cinema, hardcore clubbing or break dancing – we naturally give ourselves a compass which we can follow to find those who suit us best.

GENUINE DECISIONS FOR GENUINE RESULTS

Taking responsibility for our relationships means taking responsibility for the emotional reality in which our decisions with the opposite sex are made. In order to have the kind of relationships, sex life, and connection that we desire, we have to confront our own motivations and our approach to our identity.

Because if we’re acting from a place that rejects us before anyone has had the chance to, then those relationships will never come into being. Not only is this unsatisfying but it leaves us in a state of self-reinforcing emotional limbo. Every time we invest in someone who isn’t really into us, we invest in that part of ourselves that tells us we aren’t enough.

The problem with a results orientated mindset is that it prevents us from seeing what actually gives us the results we want. In relationships, this is enormous. Good relationships don’t start with a relationship, they start with someone who has a good relationship with themselves.

Before you look outwards, you have to look inwards, or you’ll never allow anyone to genuinely love you for who you are.

 

*Basically had a young, dumb relationship like anyone else.

Liked this article? Help me make an impact, and share it on social media. Just click one of the icons at the bottom or top of the page. Thanks!

And make sure to subscribe to never miss a post, or alternatively, like me on Facebook, so you’re always up to date on the latest content.

If there’s anything in this article you want to go in more depth on, or you just want to get in touch – drop me a message here! It’s completely free.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

Here’s Why You Need To Start Meeting Women During The Day

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THE MORE each generation becomes digital, the less men are learning to confront their anxiety and pursue women they’re attracted to. After all, why confront uncomfortable feelings when you can simply swipe from the comfort of your mobile phone? Why develop an ability to build connection and attraction out of that initial awkward stage of the meeting, when you can just comfortably chat behind a messaging app?

I say this not to judge those who do, but to genuinely pose the question.

Why would you?

COMPETITION

Aside from a deeply felt desire, there aren’t many reasons, and online dating makes more sense within the confines of people’s lives. This is only going to become more and more prevalent.

But it is precisely the answer to this question that makes approaching girls during the day so incredibly beneficial.

Where most men shy from their anxiety, you instantly differentiate yourself as someone who doesn’t. Where most men take a passive approach to their desire, you take an active one. Where most men are scared of her, you aren’t.

The answer why is because you’re inherently attractive.

When I’ve written about attraction in the past, I’ve argued is has everything about what you do and why you do it, specifically, that you act from a place of your own desire, and not from a desire to appear attractive to her.

Instead of preening your photos online, you actively put yourself in uncomfortable, often awkward situations, simply because it’s what you want to do.

And not only is this is attractive behavior, it’s magnified by the fact that no other guy does this.

SOCIAL PRESSURE

When writing about the benefits of meeting women at night, I discussed how the ego suffers twin blows as a result of rejection. The first comes from the blow dealt to the self, usually in the form of an external validation of an internal limiting belief, i.e a rejection from a girl validating your lack of self-worth. The second comes from the humiliation of social embarrassment. And this fear is so prevalent, it’s why so many people desperately crave not giving a fuck. This is why some guys have to do press ups in public in order to even be able to approach during the day. It’s why I find it far easier to approach in a foreign country than I do back home.

It’s one of those fears that sits right in the DNA. Nobody likes to get shot down in front of other people.

When talking about bars and clubs, I stressed that the strength of venues themselves was the fact that they offer an inherent element of anonymity, that, in a way, protect you from much of the social embarrassment. Nobody knows who you are or who you know, and they’re far more concerned with themselves.

And because of this, you should embrace the opportunity.

But when meeting girls during the day, this can feel like less of the case.

Whilst it’s true that as with bars in clubs, in the day time nobody knows who you are, or who you know and they’re far more concerned about what they’re doing; what you are doing is also far more social abnormal and uncommon.

And you, and everyone else is aware of this.

And because of this heightened state of social abnormality, the true fear of meeting girls during the day doesn’t come from rejection, but instead from embarrassment, of being seen doing something that is socially inappropriate and uncommon.

I state this because half the battle with dealing with fears is the ability to correctly label them. Sometimes a spade is a spade; and in this instance, you’re afraid to talk to girls during the day because you don’t want to be laughed at.

It’s the same fear that exists at bars and clubs but magnified, as it sits outside of the social conventions of the aforementioned venues.

It is crucial to understand this not just because of correctly understanding and managing your fears, but chiefly because you need to understand that talking to women as they go about their day to day lives is so uncommon that it can sometimes be threatening.

DROP THE GAME

The rule with meeting girls during the day is:

“Less is more.”

The reason for this is empathy. If you walk up to a girl during the day, the first reaction she’s going to have is one of startled confusion. She’s likely been walking around, stuck in her head, or blasting music into her ears, and suddenly, some guy’s shown up out of nowhere and started speaking to her. She’s going to be thinking ‘who is this guy? is he a threat? what does he want?’ and she’ll probably, like you, feel embarrassed.

This is why you should lay off with anything remotely out of the ordinary. Be plain, hell, even be kind of boring. After all, you’re already doing something that stands out, if you continue to add more layers of standing out, it just begins to overflow, overwhelm and end with you wiping out.

It’s not necessary.

But more importantly than this, one of the greatest benefits of meeting women during the day is that it shows you how little you have to do to have the dating life you want to have. More often than not, you just have to show up.

JUST BE DIRECT

As above, her startled and anxious state is going to lead her to question why on earth you’re speaking to her. Are you a tourist? Are you a creep? Are you gonna try and convert her to Mormonism?

She has no idea. So not only is she startled, she’s also confused and she need’s context. What is this interaction about? What do you want?

You solve this, by, funnily enough, telling her. You wanted to meet her, you thought she was cute – whatever. Make it up. As long as it’s true and provides a clear context, that’s fine.

As above, the benefit to doing this is that it involves substantially backing your own desire, and not leaning into that voice that tells you that need to do something in order to get her.

No, you just show up and put yourself on the line.

SELF-RESPECT

Whether or not you have an inherent interest in improving your dating life, it remains the case that approaching women you’re attracted to is one of the best and most effective ways of building self-respect and self-confidence that there is. Beyond any external results, internally, you will be honoring your most powerful instinct, and honoring your own self-worth.

This is, incidentally, why most guys find it so hard. On top of their issues with social embarrassment, they also have lingering issues of self-worth. And whilst I recommend confronting these issues of self-worth through therapy and self-reflection, the simplest way to smash through the plateau and improve the baseline of your self-worth is to engage with exactly what it tells you not to engage with.

As with attraction, approaching has less to do with them, and everything to do with you. At the beginning of this article, I asked why men would confront anxiety and approach women when they could just sit at home and swipe from the comfort of their phone.

The answer, it turns out, is simple. You’d do it for yourself. Because you respect your desires, acknowledge your worth, and don’t want to succumb to your fear and vanity. You don’t just want more from life, you can more from yourself.

So next time you catch yourself questioning whether you should – ask yourself this:

Why wouldn’t you?

 

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WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

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It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

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The Guide To Nightlife – A Simple Method To Making Bars and Clubs Your Bitch

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SHE WAS the first girl I’d ever picked up from a nightclub. I had found myself on my own at one of those clubs with sticky floors, with nothing better to do than move with the music to enjoy myself. My friends were long gone, but I had stayed in the hope that something would happen. I’d given up on approaching, as that night I just didn’t feel like I had the guts, so instead, I worked my way right into the center of the dance floor, and well, danced.

I figured I may as well have fun.

She was blonde, about 5’6 and had shimmering silver tights on. She swayed her hips with confidence and moved with a comfort in the environment that I envied. Beside her danced a bent over figure, his wide eyes glued on her. She didn’t seem to give him any notice. If it wasn’t for her pants I wouldn’t have seen her. The lighting was terrible and the venue was overstuffed. Every few seconds they blasted out thick clouds of vapor onto the dance floor and the dancers on drugs tried to catch it in their fingers.

At the time I was in my head, doing my best to get into my body. I figured that might make something happen. I was feeling the music reverberate through my body, and looking at the mess of fingers creep through the smoke as green lasers shot down from the roof. Everyone was illuminated in a green fog; it was like we were being abducted. I stared up at the shining green and laughed at what a surreal place I was in; and when I looked down, she was staring straight at me.

I paused and looked back at her. Something was said without words and I thought “fuck it”, walked straight towards her.

– – –

At some point in his life, every guy wants to pick up a girl from a bar or club. He’s out with his friends, passing by, or maybe even working there. He might love nightlife, or he might hate it, or just feel completely uncomfortable there. No matter what the situation, the reality is the same throughout; he’s going to see a girl he’s attracted to, and he’s going to want to speak to her.

The question in his mind is, how?

THE ENVIRONMENT

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a bar or club, nightlife is an assault on the senses and an assault upon your anxiety. Not only are you bombarded with lights, sounds and hundreds of people; but everyone is on edge, and nobody is really that comfortable.

One of the biggest myths for guys starting out in game is that they’re the only ones who feel uncomfortable. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The reality is that the vast majority of people find bars and clubs incredibly uncomfortable places. They make them feel exposed, and they find it extremely difficult to have fun in these venues. They go there simply because it is the norm. The same social pressure that makes the night unenjoyable for them, is the same social pressure that led them to go in the first place.

The trick to getting into the element of these venues is simple. You embrace the assault.

EMBRACING THE SUCK

Nightclubs and bars, when you first walk in, are not particularly inviting, and offer an assault of potential threats to your self-esteem. But it is precisely this assault that frees you from it being an assault.

The more you walk towards the thing that you feel is assaulting your sense of identity, the more you realize how little power it has over you, and the less it can assault you; which leaves you free to engage with your environment as you please.

This can be done by being as social as you can with as many people as possible. Talking at the bar, talking to the staff, the bouncers, the guy in the toilet who sprays you with too much aftershave. Whoever. The point is that you get out of your skin.

It’s easy when you’re feeling down in the dumps to only focus on the outcome you want, but what few guys realize is that it’s the process of pursuing that outcome that actively gets them out of their head, and more likely to achieve it.

You don’t need to be killing it from the second you walk in, all you need to do is start being as social as you can, to whatever degree that you can. Even if that’s just asking the time. The more you do this, the higher your baseline of ‘rock bottom’ will be. Initially, your baseline may even find asking the time hard, but eventually, through effort, your anxious baseline can become going up to the best looking woman in the venue and introducing yourself.

But it only comes from embracing the suck.

STRENGTHS OF THE ENVIRONMENT

If you’re anything like me, then being rejected fucking sucks. In the last few years, I’ve been shot down by:

  • Being told I’m ugly
  • Being told I’m not her type
  • Being told she’s not into white guys
  • Being told I’m gay
  • Being told I’m annoying
  • Being told I’m boring
  • Being told I’m an asshole
  • Being told I’m too nice
  • Being slapped
  • Being told nothing at all, and simply ignored as if I’m not there

I didn’t enjoy any of them. Not only did they shit all over my self-esteem, but they were also pretty embarrassing. Going up to a girl in front of a bunch of people only to be told I’m an ugly, boring, homosexual isn’t exactly my idea of a great night out. In fact, it’s just humiliating.

Over time, however, what I discovered was that being rejected for the reasons above, whilst they weren’t nice, I ultimately didn’t care; but what I did care about, was being seen by other people as I was rejected.

I hated that. And I think, for a lot of guys, that’s what they hate too.

It’s not their ego being bruised by the girl, it’s their ego being bruised by everyone watching.

But here’s the thing. In a bar/nightclub, nobody can really tell what the fuck is going on. Nobody can hear anyone else’s conversations, nobodies paying attention to you (because they’re too caught up in their own ego), and they don’t know which people you do and don’t know there, and they sure as shit don’t know who you are.

In other words, it’s all in your head.

And that’s exactly how it was for me. Unlike getting rejected within your social circle, or on the street, or at a dance class – bars and clubs are actually some of the few venues where the anonymity and frankly, surreal fucking nature of the places work in the favor. Contrary to what your anxiety tells you about how dangerous rejection is, getting rejected in a nightclub or bar is probably the safest rejection you’ll ever get. There’s just so much less of you exposed.

Embrace it.

FUN AS A MEASURING STICK

Despite their discomfort and anxiety, people ultimately go to these venues in order to have fun; and the likelihood that you’ll succeed at meeting women within these venues goes up considerably the more fun you’re having.

Yes, you still have to approach a lot – but if you’re approaching girls who are having fun at a nightclub, and you’re not enjoying yourself, all you’re doing is cramping someone’s style.

It’s a drag, and to be honest, you shouldn’t really be there.

Let me repeat that.

If you aren’t in a bar or club looking to have a really good time, why the fuck are you there?

Are you an alcoholic? Is that why?

Because if you’re looking to meet and sleep with girls, you’ll probably have a better chance meeting them during the day, as you’ll stand out a lot more, and can be in whatever mood you please.

If you’re in a bar or club for the sole reason of hooking up, not only are you badly misspending your energy, you’re also acting from a place that’s telling you that you need to do something, rather than doing what you want to do.

Because if you’re not having fun at a nightclub, you’re going to a place you don’t enjoy, to listen to music you don’t like, all just to get a girl. And that’s pretty pathetic.

If you’re already treating her as more important than your own happiness and enjoyment, before you’ve even fucking met her, then you can rest assured that you have learned nothing.

HOW TO APPROACH

What I learned when I made my first approach, has been something I’ve returned to frequently in the years since. And it’s a simple principle.

There’s no getting, there’s only doing.

When I was dancing there, on my own, feet half stuck to the floor, I had no real goal. I was, in my anxious state, hoping for something to happen, but unable to actually pursue it. I wasn’t really attached to an outcome. So I just tried to get out of my head. Ironically for me, it was on this night, that something did actually happen. The pretty girl looked at me. So I walked up and said hi. And a little later, I told her I thought she was cute.

A few years ago, when I started to become invested in the idea that I could “pick up girls”, I focused a lot of my attention on what I wanted to get from others in the venue around me. I would bounce around the club, trying out lines on girls, or approaching, and never once stopping and actually trying to enjoy myself. To actually have fun. And as a result, my results suffered.

The more I chased something I wanted to get, the less I actually got what I was chasing.

Eventually, getting tired of being another headless chicken bouncing between girls, I sat down and decided to pay attention to what I had actually learned over the years. And it turned out, the lesson was simple. In fact, it was the same lesson game always teaches:

Chase yourself, and other people will chase you.

When I invested in my own enjoyment, girls would begin to take interest in me; and after that, all I had to do was say hi, and tell them they were cute.* That was it. Instead of trying to turn the night into a pickup, it was the fun I was having in my own skin that turned the night into a pick up on its own. All I did was make a move.

And it’s exactly the same for you.

*If you want a goal to set yourself, let it be that. Say hi, and at some point tell her she’s cute. Then you can leave if it goes bad, or stay if it goes well. Nothing more, nothing less.

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WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

How To Get Your Dating Life Back On Track

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“IT’S OKAY to take a break.”

That’s the first thing I’d say to anyone who is, like I was, trapped within the anxiety of feeling like they have to continuously hammer away at the demands of their dating life.

I have argued in other articles in favor of the merits of hard, continuous work, and consistently meeting the demands associated with that work, in order to meet a goal. I argued that when those demands, in their entirety, are continuously met that the results sought will be continuously achieved and exceeded provided chance doesn’t deal you misfortune.

However, I feel that dating is the exception to the rule.

I have written many times that dating is an emotional process. That the more you learn to accept yourself, let go of your neediness, manage your emotions and confront your anxiety; the more your dating will burst into life. In my own, and many other lives, this has proven to be true. What has also been proven to be true is that the more consistently you engage with those elements that bring your dating life into bloom, the greater your results and the quicker your development. On top of this, with the same speed that your results are brought into being – when the demands cease to be met, the results can just as swiftly be taken away.

Therefore, it would make sense that if your goal is to improve your dating life, then you should devote as much time and energy to it as possible.

But this is not the case.

Dating is an emotional process, and because it is an emotional process, the desire to engage with it frequently in order to gain results as fast as possible isn’t actually as beneficial as you would initially think.

When we pursue an emotionally charged goal, it pays to keep a close eye on the emotion that underpins it.

If you feel that you need to keep hammering your dating life in order to not slip back into the person you were, the lack of results you used to get, or a general fear of ‘not being able to do it again’, then your desire to pursue an improved dating life comes not from a place of self-acceptance and desire, but instead from a place a self-hatred and fear.

In which case, your entire pursuit is self-destructive in the first place. You have tripped over the first hurdle, and what you are doing is not growing, but applying a band-aid as often as you can.

JUMPING OFF THE ROLLERCOASTER

There are three reasons that the pursuit of dating usually loses steam:

  1. The confidence is not there.
  2. The time is not there.
  3. The desire is not there.

In the case of 1, then the issue is to do with the psychology of the individual themselves, and the emotional reality from which they operate. In this case, a break would be necessary in order for them to explore the issues that are preventing them from taking consistent action. Pursuing dating when you haven’t developed a study psychological foundation from which to develop can often lead you to be unable to take action, or unable to properly process rejection and failure, which is only more damaging than if you’d done nothing in the first place.

In the instance of 2, this is perfectly acceptable, and any emotional healthy man would accept this, and live his life accordingly. In my own life, my dating life had to reduce significantly because I moved home to take care of a loved one. When I did go out, my results were less frequent, my confidence less on point, and I was generally not as comfortable. And I accepted this, as there were simply more important things in my life. Maybe it’s work, maybe it’s traveling, maybe it’s someone in need. Dating won’t always be (and shouldn’t be) the most important part of your life.

In the case of 3, the desire not being there is usually a result of an issue within your life, or simply a case of the validation being met. Many guys chase girls relentlessly until they finally get laid, and then lose all motivation for a while only to return later. This is usually to do with their biological motivations. And guess what, that’s fine. You don’t always have to be having sex. All that matters is that when you genuinely want to, you can. The flip side to this is losing motivation because of lack of confidence, as addressed above, or because of poor health, or a lifestyle that is too stressful.

In each of these cases, a break to reassess and find your feet makes perfect sense.

But once you’ve taken a break, and are keen to get back into the swing of things, how do you either go from zero to something or rediscover something you used to find so simple?

THE VOLUME PROBLEM

When your results suck, the easiest way to repair this is to start investing time into going out, and hitting on girls. The more girls you hit on, the better your dating life will be. This principle, whilst should never be taken as a reason to not take a break, is precisely the principle that will recover you quickest from a break.

There is no faster method.

But it’s never that simple.

When you haven’t been actively going out and hitting on girls, it very quickly becomes a lot harder to go out and hit on girls. Like a muscle that hasn’t seen exercise in a while, your ability to back yourself and approach women becomes weaker, but unlike muscles, this decrease is usually quite severe and quite quick to take effect.

Fortunately, it comes back ever quicker.

WORSHIP THE BASELINE

Yeah! Feel motivated!

When I was an eighteen-year-old kid starting university, my first nights out were fraught with anxiety. In fact, to describe them as anything less than terror-stricken experiences would be under selling how difficult I found them. I never used to enjoy social situations at the best of times, especially not with women (with whom I had zero experience), and as a result, I did everything I could to avoid, distract, overcompensate or run from the reality of talking to girls. My baseline ability was that I simply could not talk to them, or initiate any kind of sexual interaction.

It wasn’t something I could do.

We all have baselines of ability, the lowest point of which we are capable. We usually operate above this, but when out of practice, we will return to our baseline level of ability. This is true of anything; sports, video games, coding, writing, game, anything.

What is also true is that this baseline is not permanent, and never gets worse. As our experience and practice increases, and our operating level and results increase, so too, behind the scenes, does our baseline.

In our dating lives, men are criminal offenders when it comes to results orientated mindsets, and in pursuing their peak operating level. That one time they were really ‘on it.’

Most pursue this with alcohol.

I believe this is the wrong way to look at it.

When we focus on the peaks of our operating levels, we are chasing something that is often the result of countless external factors, that, through random chance, cumulated into conditions where we were psychologically operating extremely well. Not only is this chasing something that is out of our hands, it is building a dependency on something that is out of our hands. Which is a fools game.

In contrast, our baselines exist as what our minimum potential is. The lowest we can possibly achieve. If our highest operating level is that we can approach a hot girl directly, our baseline might be making indirect idle chit-chat at the bar. This is the level, that no matter how long our break is, that our minimum level of potential will be, and when engaged with, begins to bring our peak operating levels into life.

Because as you’ll find, you only operate at your minimum for a very short period of time.

After years of slowly building my confidence and self-worth, I am no longer the frightened teenager I used to be. My baseline has changed. Not to anything special, like I can walk up to women and charm the pants off them. No, simply because where I used to be incapable of doing anything, now, my absolute minimum is that I can approach anyone. No matter how out of practice I am, that’s always there for me to fall back on.

I’m not Casanova, but I am capable.

And that’s all I focus on. Not what I want to be, or want to be capable of, but what I am capable of.

Now, this might be helpful advice to someone who’s looking to regain skills they already had, but for someone just starting out, who feels, like I felt, that he can’t do anything, can’t approach anyone, this would seem like useless advice.

But this is not the case. In fact, it couldn’t be further from the truth. If your baseline is nothing, find the smallest possible level above it, and aim to do that. Hell, it could be asking someone the time, or holding eye contact with a girl. Anything. Take the approach that because you currently have no higher level of potential, you may as well focus on shifting your absolute minimum of ability.

Because step by step, that’s how you go from nothing, to capable. Permanently.

And trust me, no matter how crappy you feel, when your baseline is that, you know you’re okay.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

If You Say Hi, You’ve Already Won – How To Start Building A Better, Simpler Sex Life By Focusing On Less

by ·

IF THERE’S ONE CLICHE THAT I HATE, it’s that game is a muscle. But if there’s one cliche that’s true, it’s that game is a muscle.

The more you engage with following your desire, and dealing with issues of neediness, the more free and effortless your dating life becomes. The less you engage with it, however, the harder it becomes.

The problem with this is that when it comes to how men think they should perceive this muscle; they perceive it as a variety of skills when really, it’s just one. Taking their balls in their hand and approaching.

PROCESSES AND OUTCOMES

In my article ‘The 100 Hour Work Week’ I discussed the idea that you should focus your attention on the process that ensures your outcome, and not the outcome itself. This process could be a small 1% increase or it could be something I called a ‘You’re Fucked Without It™’ factor, which is an element that is fundamentally essential to whatever goal you’re pursuing.

In game, this would be making a move. If you don’t make a move, it’s not going to happen. I don’t care how good you look, how charming you are, how tall, how rich, how smart you are; if you don’t make a move, you’ll always lose out to the man who does.

And one of the simplest ways of making a move is to approach. Or as I like to call it: sucking it up and talking to girls.

Because if you don’t talk to them, nothing is going to happen. You’re just going to be, at best, a let down; most likely invisible, and; at worst, another creep who’s awkwardly staring at her.

Yeah, I don’t imagine you want to be that.

So focus on making that move; and only on making that move.

Because beyond the initial introduction, approaching is a conversation, with organic dynamics and a spontaneous interplay of energy. There are certain techniques you can be aware of, i.e not being boring and learning how to flirt, but by and large, deviating from an organic structure is generally a decision motivated by fear, and not one I recommend.

It’s just a girl after all. It should be as easy as talking to anyone.

Exercise 1: Stop allowing yourself to overthink interactions, and just focus on making a move.

COMMITTING TO THE APPROACH

When I’m lost in my head, or tired, or anxious; my approaches completely suck. I walk up to her, dribble some comment out that stinks of ‘reject me please so I’ll be spared this social awkwardness’, and she does, and I leave.

And it’s because I’m not committed.

When you approach half-heartedly, you can expect half-hearted results. So if you’re going to approach, then fucking approaching.

Now, I’m not saying you have to cartwheel across the room towards her, before doing a triple-backflip handshake (get your own moves); all I’m saying is that your conviction behind your intention is important. If you’re going to do it, then back yourself to do it.

It doesn’t matter if you’re tired, low-energy and not really in the mood to socialize. You don’t have to be in state. But you do have to commit to whatever approach you’re going to make.

You have to back your intention to go up and say hi.

Because if you don’t, you’ll just end up getting blown out because she’ll sense you don’t really want to be there, and it’ll make her feel uncomfortable, and probably creeped out.

Like when your friend asks you for something, but they do it in a round about way, avoiding directly asking you.

Fuck that.

Exercise 2: Stop hoping for the interaction to end as soon as you’re in it.

LEANING INTO VULNERABILITY

Too often, guys get stuck in their heads, trying to think of ways to get the girl (by this, despite any of their protests to the contrary, they mean ‘get laid’), and as a result, end up doing nothing or taking some action that’s completely second guessed and lacking in conviction.

But more importantly than this, they fail to have any fucking fun.

And here’s the thing; the easiest way to get out of your head and stop second guessing yourself is to just start approaching, and start letting reactions happen.

The very thing you’re stopping yourself from doing is the cure to the very thing that’s stopping you.

“Hi, I wonder if you could help me get out of my head?”

It’s the Mindfuck of Game. You don’t talk to girls because you’re in your head, but girls are the best way out of your head. It’s a nice little result of what I like to call learning into vulnerability. The more exposed you allow yourself to be; the more rapidly you begin to fear exposure (read: rejection) less. And that’s when you can start having fun with it.

Because in each approach, you just don’t know what’s going to happen; there should always be an element of curiosity there. But what you do know, is that it will get you out of your head; and that, it itself, is liberating.

Exercise 3: To get out of your head, get rejected. A lot. 

THE SAD TRUTH

If you’re honest with yourself, you don’t fear rejection because you fear losing the chance to sleep with a girl. You fear rejection because of what that rejection says about you. You fear that rejection because other people might see. And ultimately, you fear that rejection because you’re vain.

You care more about how she and everyone else in your social environment view you, and you’ve allowed that to enter your mind, and stifle your actions and pollute your thinking.

Where the right choice is always ‘go and talk to her.’ You’ve invested your identity in your vanity, and as a result, are making choices that are based around protecting that vanity. But the more you invest in that vanity, the more you invite conflict into your ability to make decisions. You may think you want to approach, but you also don’t want to be seen getting rejected; you may think you want to approach, but you fear the reality of what that rejection might say about you, and you might just fear how that feels.

It’s a conflict of thought, that leads to a conflict of actions, that leads to a conflict of results. And the easiest way I know of escaping is to call yourself on what you’re really being; vain. And act in spite of it.

Don’t let yourself be vain.

Exercise 4: Say and do whatever the fuck comes into your head. Throw your filter into the trash, and burn the trash alive.

APPROACHING AND SHYNESS

Approaching is a word I have a mixed relationship with. One the one hand, it fits the concept, but on the other hand; it makes it seem more special than it is. Beyond vanity and outcome dependence; one of the main reasons you don’t approach is because you’re shy. Social situations probably frighten you, you’re invested in other people’s opinions and when you put all the sexual rejection on top of that, it becomes a little too much to handle. And that’s fine. In fact, it’s perfectly normal.

Approaching is, at its core, shyness.

And there’s power in that. Shyness is something that is challenging, but simple to overcome. You just slowly push the boundaries of your shyness until it goes away, you let yourself express your identity and realize that people actually like you as you really are, and through this, you challenge the beliefs that made you shy in the first place.

Anyone can do this, and ‘approaching’ is no different.

At the start of this article, I said there was only one thing men needed to do to improve their dating life and remove their neediness, and I believe this. You just need to approach. You just need to whittle down your shyness.

Because at the end of the day, game is a muscle, and that’s all it takes.

Final exercise: You already know what to do, so go and do it.

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