This is a complete guide on where to meet women as an introverted man. If you are shy on any level and find socializing difficult, then this is the guide for you. I recommend you pair it with this guide on how to become successful with women. – Visko
MY FIRST decision in dating wasn’t exactly the smartest.
I was young, terrified, and in my early twenties. I was completely inexperienced and had no idea what I was doing, and to top it all off, I made the bright choice of going about it in a way that directly conflicted with who I actually was.
(Spoiler: this is a terrible way to pursue any goal).
Instead of recognizing that I was, at least at the time, largely introverted, shy, lacking in social experience, and pissing my pants at the thought of rejection – I decided that I was extroverted, outgoing, and a colorful social butterfly. The result of this was that I went about improving my dating life in the most cliche way possible:
I hit up bars and clubs.
(You go party boy!)
I would often do this with friends, but sometimes on my own. As many as four to five times per week. I got rejected a lot (read: a shit load). I didn’t really enjoy myself. I set myself the arbitrary rule of doing it sober, which only made it harder (albeit cheaper). And what few successes I had came at the expense of spending my time in a way I didn’t really want to.
Now, I’m not about to tell you it stayed this way forever. Eventually, I did warm up to the idea of hanging out in bars and clubs and partying till 6 am drunk on vodka – something I occasionally do to this day. But I also made my life a hell of a lot harder than it needed to be.
Because I was naturally introverted and shy, the last places I needed to go in order to meet women were places that were loud and prized extroversion. Sure, they eventually got me out of my shell, but it was a slow and painful uphill grind.
Luckily for you, I’m here to help you find a shortcut around that grind.
Meet Women as an Introverted Man
There are a few fundamental choices when it comes to having a good dating life:
- Accept rejection, or blame yourself?
- Improve your life or blame everyone else?
- Men, women, or both at the same time?
- And lastly, where are you going to meet the women you date?
This guide is all about that last choice. Because it’s one of the most important ones you can make. Aside from actually going up to women and talking to them, the act of choosing the right places to meet them has a huge influence on whether you’ll actually be successful or not.
And those right venues have everything to do with who you are. I.e. if you’re a 35-year-old introverted librarian who collects Eldrazi magic cards and reads Lady Audley’s Secret (spoiler: her secret is complicated, but it involves faking her own death, marrying another guy, and generally being batshit insane) then going to a night club filled with university students probably isn’t going to end up being the wild night you think it will.
This guide is aimed at solving that fundamental problem by helping you find avenues of dating that fit well with your natural introversion as a man.
The Reality of Introversion
Before we dive into the guide on meeting women, there’s something you need to understand:
Introversion is not a fixed state. And it’s important to differentiate it from anxiety.
You might feel shy, overwhelmed by people, and desire to be alone – but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll feel that way forever. This is something to bear in mind when you approach any of these recommended ways of meeting women.
It’s also important to remember that what might feel like “symptoms” for your innate introversion are often just anxiety. It was certainly that way for me.
I would go to anywhere with lots of people and I would feel like I was trapped inside my head, hyper-conscious of everything I said, and feeling (pretty arrogantly and narcissistically) as if everyone cared how much I sucked.
(All this did was make me hyper-aware of any “perceived” evidence that this was true.)
The reality was this had nothing to do with my introversion. I was just anxious. I had spent all week, and most of my life not socializing, and so I found social situations difficult. Not exactly rocket science. I didn’t need to beat myself up. I needed experience, and to stop telling myself “this was how I was.”
Because like my introversion, my anxiety was something that could change.
When it comes to dating, you need to understand that introversion and extroversion is a scale – you can be at either end and be successful with women, and you CAN change where you are on that scale.
This means: your introversion isn’t holding you back. You are.
The only reason extroverts SEEM more successful is that by way of them being more socially inclined they put themselves in the way of more opportunities, and generally, on the surface at least, experience less anxiety.
The Easiest Ways To Meet Women as an Introverted Man
There are two basic ways to meet women as an introverted man that are more effective than anything else in this guide.
Basic Social Circle Expansion
A few years into my career as a wannabe Casanova, I got out a pen and paper and wrote down every single woman I’d been with and how I met them. I didn’t do this to stroke my ego, I simply wanted to know where I saw the vast majority of my results.
The answer was something that surprised me.
Over 50% of my results came from some form of genuine socializing.
As much as I’d thought my results came from nightclubs and bars, the reality was all the experience I was getting approaching there was paying off much more as I expanded my social circle.
In other words, I’d just become increasingly more confident and capable of capitalizing on the opportunities that were right in front of my eyes.
This has been the case for almost every guy I’ve worked with. The more he’s socialized with his friends, and the more he’s gone to social events and activities, the better his results have been.
Firstly, it’s because he’s opening himself up to far more opportunities. Not only will he meet more women the more he expands and diversifies his friendship group, but those women will also be far more receptive to him speaking to them.
Second, the more he socializes the easier he finds it to talk to women and ask them out. No techniques or lines needed, just basic, authentic confidence born out of experience.
Remember how I said introversion and anxiety could change?
Utilizing Social Media Connections
My model of an ideal dating life is one that is as fulfilling as possible, whilst also involving the least effort.
It sounds lazy (excuse my Dorito dust) but it’s also helped me cut out all the unnecessary stuff I used to convince myself was all important. Like going out 4-5 times per week. That’s fucking exhausting and would probably give me the flu if I did it now.
By far the most efficient and laziest thing you can do in dating is leverage social media. Which is a technical way of saying: get a good profile, message women you know/have mutual friends with.
If you’ve sorted out the basics of being attractive (by that I mean you have a life you enjoy, you groom yourself well, and you don’t dress like you’ve slept in your uncle’s clothes) then all you need is some good photos.
By good photos, I mean well framed, interesting/funny, and sell your looks and your lifestyle.
Yeah, I know, this probably sounds like a drag, but it’s an investment that once completed, continuously pays off for very little work. Hell, you don’t even need to constantly update it. You just need 5 solid photos.
Then all you’ve got to do is reach out.
Whether it’s on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram – if you’ve sorted out the basics of being attractive, it’s likely they’ll be receptive. You can do this with old colleagues, girls you met at school, whatever. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t spoken to them in ages. Just send the message.
In the past I’ve usually gone for:
“Hey stranger, you just popped up on my feed. How are you? x”
99% of the time they respond. We chat for a bit, then I ask them out. It’s not always a yes (I’m not Bradley Cooper), but it’s a yes far more often than it would be through any other venue.
This is something I usually do when I’m bored at an airport, on a train, or hungover. Like I said, minimal effort.
And far easier than approaching some randomer on the street.
The 6 Best Places To Meet Women
In my experience as a dating coach, there are two rules you want to follow before you pursue any avenue of meeting women, especially when it comes to introvert dating.
GOLDEN RULE ONE: Be Open To Trying New Things
Not being open to new things is the easiest way to kill your fledgling dating life before it’s even found its legs. It’s also the easiest mistake for introverted guys to make.
I get it, you have things you like to do, and you want to stick to those things. They’re comfy and predictable and safe and habitual. Habits can be a bitch to change. But building a better dating life is all about putting yourself in new situations.
This is one of the most important pieces of dating advice for introverted men. You have to do new things and put yourself out there or you won’t get the results you want.
You can take steps to accommodate your introverted nature, and this article is going to help you do that, but you also have to take steps it’s not going to be inclined to take. This doesn’t mean you have to be extroverted. Far from it. You can succeed with women and still be introverted, just as you can be an introverted “alpha male” in social situations.
It all has to do with how you manage your introversion. That’s really what dating for introverted guys all comes down to: are they managing their introversion and are they putting themselves out there enough?
So if you do nothing else, make sure it’s trying new things.
GOLDEN RULE TWO: Make Sure You Actually Enjoy It
Here’s a little caveat. Although you have to try new things in order to meet women, you also have to make sure the things you’re trying ARE ACTUALLY THINGS YOU WANT TO DO.
Because if they aren’t, and you’re only there to meet women, then what you’re doing is prioritizing women over yourself, which is fundamentally unattractive and needy, and leads to creepy behavior.
Meeting women should always be a by-product of you living the kind of life you want to be living. This is why it’s so important to be open to trying new things; although you’re sticking to things you want to do, you’re motivating yourself to expand the things that you DO, which as a result exposes you to more dating opportunities.
Approaching your dating life from this perspective actively puts you in a position where you’ve prioritized yourself. This MASSIVELY helps with mitigating your neediness and aligns your behavior with your intentions.
It’s also, and I can’t stress this enough, fundamentally attractive.
Think about it, if you went to a yoga class solely to meet women – how much pressure would you be putting yourself under before you even arrived? Whereas if you went to a Yoga class because hell, you fancied throwing yourself into a downward dog then busting out some sun salutations – approaching the hot babe in the yoga pants would be a lot more organic.
With those two rules in mind, let’s dive in.
1) Dance Classes
Dance classes are one of the single best things you can do for your dating life. Not only is learning how to dance an invaluable (and enjoyable) skill, but it’ll actively have you doing salsa, rumba, swing, ballroom, ballet, hip-hop, or break dancing with women.
This will get you out of your shell far more than anything else. And at the same time build your confidence in interacting with women, especially physically.
It’s also a lot easier to learn how to approach in these venues. Why? The women are literally there for you to dance with them. They’re waiting for you to walk up to them.
Go and do it.
If you’ve been dancing with a woman for the last half hour or so, it’s not a big leap to then ask her out.
The only difficult thing about this is that it can seem daunting at first. Going to a venue filled with women where you have no idea how to dance can seem like jumping in at the deep end. However, the more you go, the more this will cease to be a problem, and the more you’ll reap the advantages.
My recommendation: Unless you have zero interest in learning how to dance, this would be the one I’d prioritize the most. If you want to make it even easier on yourself, get some private 1 on 1 lessons first. This will make the dancing element much easier. You’d also be surprised by how many of the instructors are single.
Find the form of dancing that YOU want to do. The easiest way to do this? Watch movies like The Mask of Zorro that have great dance scenes. Find out what the style of dance is and learn it.
However, if in doubt, learn Salsa.
2) Yoga Classes
How does this sound: Little to no competition from other men. Filled with mostly introverted women. All of them relaxed, friendly, and talkative.
Oh yeah, and it’s good for your health.
Yoga is the easiest recommendation I have. You show up somewhere, relax, stretch your body, and there is a ton of cool women.
If you’re anything like me, and you spend most of your time hunched over a desk, ruining your posture and suffering from over-tight muscles, then yoga is a great way to start fixing that.
You’ll see incredible benefits from going, and odds are you’ll be surrounded by women and be the only guy there. Well, except for Fabricio, the spiritual, yet handsy instructor.
My recommendation: Unlike dancing, yoga has little to no inherent sexuality to it. Well, aside from the yoga pants. You want to speak to women before and after the session. If you get on, get their contact details and take it from there.
3) Self-Defense Classes
I actually stumbled on this one through a friend of mine. It only really applies to big cities, but it can be a great option.
Accessible self-defense classes are a great place to not just meet women, but also expand your male social circle. Not many guys would guess it, but many women, especially in big cities are actively interested in learning self-defense – for both the exercise and the increased feeling of safety it gives them.
Whilst I’d personally recommend you take up boxing or MMA if you really want to learn how to fight, if you have a casual interest in self-defense and want to learn the basics, then these classes can be a great, all-around approach to improving your dating and social life.
You essentially spend an hour play fighting with each other. Who doesn’t become friends after that?
My recommendation: My go-to hobbies when traveling are dancing and self-defense. Combined they create a great social life and keep me in shape. At the end of any self-defense class, ask the people you’ve got on with if they want to grab a drink. Simple as that.
Also, just as a tip, women are far more likely to attend the self-defense classes that aren’t branded as “hardcore”. Those classes are also pretty lame – again, hit up boxing or MMA if you want actual fighting experience.
4) Social Sports / Clubs / Hobbies
Women love team sports as much as men. They also like classes a hell of a lot more than men.
If there’s a sport you want to play or something you want to learn – attending active social events based around these are a great way to easily meet women.
Cooking classes, ultimate frisbee, touch rugby, book clubs, classic film clubs – there are active social events for everything. You can even connect this with your career/business/ economic interests. There are events for entrepreneurship, investing, bitcoin, and dozens of other places.
Again, just remember the two golden rules.
Make sure it’s something you enjoy, and be open to trying it out. If it’s a team sport, get chatting to the women on your team, and spark up a friendly rivalry with one on the opposing side. If it’s a class or club, just start talking about your mutual interest.
My recommendation: In my experience, the rule here is to make sure you’re enjoying yourself. The more this is connected to your genuine interests, the better your results will be. It’s also worth bearing in mind that not all events are made equal when it comes to meeting women. For example, cooking classes will have far more women than touch rugby. You also want to find out what kind of demographics attend your hobby before you show up. You don’t want to end up surrounded by pensioners after all.
(Or maybe… you do.)
Another way you can do this is through volunteering. It’s similar to attending a social event based around a hobby, but the difference is that the emotional motivation that’s motivated you to volunteer is much stronger.
Because let’s face it, volunteering can be hard (even though it’s rewarding) and most people can’t be bothered. If you can be bothered, then the women you meet there will be much more likely to be compatible with you. And you’ll also probably admire each other right off the bat.
Doesn’t sound so bad.
Difficulty: 1/10 to 10/10
Parties are the easiest way to meet women in the world. There is nothing that comes close. That said, your ability to meet women there and either hook-up with them or date them will come down to how well you can manage your introversion and anxiety.
For starters, your introversion is going to make you burn out faster at a big party, so you probably want to focus on the more personal, one on one conversations you can have there (i.e. In the garden) than in the loud, beer pong, speakers on max, wet t-shirt competition area.
You’re also, most likely, going to find socializing provokes your anxiety. You need to take the party as a place to exercise your anxiety and push its boundaries. Remember that everyone at a party is slightly anxious and nervous and that you’re all there to meet other people you don’t know and have a good time with them.
If you can manage both of those, you will make parties incredibly easy places to meet women.
My recommendation: Parties are similar to nightclubs in that fun is the metric of success. The more fun you have, the more people will want to be around you. So focus first and foremost on having a good time, and be open to speaking to everyone, not just women.
If you meet one you like, ask her what she’s doing later, or, if it’s that kind of party go somewhere private and go for the kiss. Otherwise, grab her number and call her the next day.
6) Coffee Shops and Bookstores
The last place on my list without a doubt coffee shops and bookstores. Whilst they’re going to require you to overcome some anxiety around sparking up a conversation with strangers, they’re also incredibly chilled, introvert-friendly places. Never too loud, and if you pick the right one, never too busy.
Take your laptop and get some work done on the free wifi, or chill out and read a book. If you’re lucky, you’ll have an attractive woman sitting next to you, but usually, you’re going to have to get up and approach.
These places are never shy of attractive, interesting women and you’d be amazed how little they get approached outside of catcalling. Which isn’t a strategy I’d recommend, least of all in a bookstore.
(If you don’t know how to approach then check out my free e-book here).
The venue itself is going to do a lot of the legwork when it comes to filtering for the kind of introverted women you’d get on with. People with introverted temperaments gravitate towards venues like coffee shops and book stores and have an active interest in the things associated with them. I.e. coffee and books. But you’ll often find them working away at something in private, so between the three, there’s plenty of things to kick a conversation up about.
You just have to make the first move.
My recommendation: This is on the harder end of the scale, as it’s going to require you to speak to a stranger in public. I’d make sure you’ve ticked off the other places in his guide first and got some experience putting yourself outside of your comfort zone as it’ll make this one a lot easier.
What You Have To Do:
In each of these different avenues of meeting women, there is ONE thing you have to do in order to make them dating opportunities.
You have to ask her out.
That’s it. That’s all you need to know about how to pick up women as an introvert. You don’t need to say or do anything or do anything special, just talk to her the same way you would anyone else.
You can go to as many of these venues as possible, as often as possible, and have all manner of incredible and exciting connections with the women there – but if you don’t ask them out, you’ll just be making new BFF’s.
Which probably isn’t your intention.
My advice is to get this out of the way early. If you speak to a woman and like her, then ask her out. You can either do it face to face, and get her contact details and drop her a text later.
Whatever works for you. Just make sure you do it.
Some will be interested and some won’t, but that’s the way dating works. You can’t win them all, so you ask enough out until you do.
More Tips, Techniques, and Resources
If you find that difficult or don’t feel like you’re ready to do that, then I have two free e-books that cover how to go about dating and how to handle your anxiety that will give you an intellectual understanding of what to do, coupled with some handy exercises to help you make real change.
However, if you’re wanting to get a handle on your dating life now, and build a solid foundation of attractiveness and sexual confidence, as well as clear direction in how to find the right women for you, and how to develop confidence dating them – then I have the Complete Dating Course designed to do exactly that, and get you out there making the changes that you need to make in order to get the best results of for you.
Or, you could skip the queue, and have some 1 on 1 coaching with yours truly.