LIFE UNCIVILIZED

Dating And Life Advice For Men

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This Is The Most Attractive Thing You Can Ever Do

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PATRICE O’NEAL was an exceptionally gifted comedian. Referring to his standup as performances, he would prefer to improvise what he knew he wanted to talk about, adjusting it based on his own mood and the mood of the audience. As a result, his structure was haphazard and unpredictable, but the authenticity of it built a relationship between himself and the audience; a relationship where they were often at his mercy.

Jerry Seinfeld once said he never looks at the audience, instead preferring to focus on the noises, the rhythm, and sticking to the material he had in this head. Patrice was the opposite; during his standup, he didn’t just look at the audience, he involved them, he held them hostage to the uncomfortable conversations he wanted to have.

It would be easy to look at Patrice and say that his talent lay in his ability to improvise where other comedians would need planned routines; that he was just that funny. But this would miss what gave Patrice his real talent:

His unflinching honesty when it came to what he believed was the truth.

No matter who he was speaking to; man, woman, black, white – he said what he thought, and he said it unashamedly; often calling people out on their hypocrisies and exposing people to parts of themselves they weren’t aware of.

I remember when, in one of his radio appearances, a female writer called in to promote her book on how to train men to be better husbands – a book she based around applying the same techniques used in animal training. Barely seconds on the air, Patrice launched into her, saying:

“Urrrgh – that’s hilarious. Again, automatically I’m gonna tell you what the flaw is in your thinking: you don’t want to be the – the controller. That’s the thing. Women don’t want to win, you want a winner. You don’t want to rule the nest – that’s why you’ve never met a happy woman boss. You don’t wanna be there. You’re angry about being a boss. You want a boss. You want your man to be the leader. This is why it’s already flawed on a prehistoric level. Why – you don’t wanna run your husband. Do you know why running your husband is not sexy? Cause you don’t wanna be there doing it. That’s why it never works for a woman to run things – cause you don’t wanna – you look at your husband like URRRGHH – look at this bum letting me run his life. Phooey. You have a – you just have a loser for man.”

She left the call a few minutes later.

Now, I’m not here to debate the merits of Patrice’s argument (if you really want to know, I agree with him*), I’m just here to explore what it was he was doing. Which, in essence, was staying true to himself no matter what. No matter how uncomfortable, how confrontational, how alienating it was; Patrice stayed true to himself.

Whatever the subject matter. If he had a view, he said it.

In my article on Charisma, I wrote that being okay with potentially being perceived as unlikeable, and actually leaning towards that, was a hallmark of charisma. Instead of trying to please anyone, just shamelessly being yourself and expressing who you are with a take it or leave it attitude was essential.

Nowhere is this truer than in dating.

WHY MEN LIE TO WOMEN

If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, I think I need to reinforce to you the fact that men rarely tell the truth. We want to do it. But we don’t.

Instead, what we do is filter.

A common trait in people struggling with social anxiety is that they will be very conscious of what they say. They will be extremely picky about when they enter a conversation, how they enter a conversation, and acutely sensitive to how what they say will be received. Now, I don’t just mean received after they’ve said it, no, I mean how it will be received before it’s even been said.

They’re like the bad Politician version of themselves. What they say is essentially the pre-packaged, planned, and politically correct version of whatever they actually think – if you’re lucky that is. Usually, it’s just what you want to hear, regardless of what they think.

The reason for this is simple. They want you to like them.

Now you’re probably wondering “yeah that’s great, but what the hell does that have to do with men and women?”

Well with men, they almost always talk to women like they have social anxiety.

In fact, a man who talks freely around women is so rare, it may as well be a myth.

And the logic behind this makes perfect sense. When someone with social anxiety is altering their conversation, it’s to get someone to like them so they aren’t a threat and won’t socially hurt them. When a guy talking to a woman is altering his speech its also because he wants her to like him.

Can you guess why?

What is it that he could possibly want?

Whether you like it or not, a fundamental part of the male-female dynamic is that men want what women have, but women are the gatekeepers for what men want.

Part of the male psyche is always dedicated to winning what we want. Like one of those birds who builds a nest and does a dance, or a silverback who drums his chest the loudest, on some level, our actions are guided by the desire to charm or impress the gatekeeper into giving us what we want.

The problem with this, however, is that it sucks.

When you allow what you want from a woman to dictate all of your behavior, you’re allowing yourself to be driven by your neediness, your shallow baser needs, or your manipulative nature; but worse than this, you’re trading your self-respect for sex. Or in the case of relationships, love too.

Yes. Sex has become more important to you than who you are.

And on any level, relationship or single, placing sex (or love) as more important to you than who you are isn’t just a lack of self-respect, it’s an act of stupidity.*

THE MODERN PLAYER IN SEARCH OF A SOUL

The more you lie to a woman in order to get what you want, the more you aren’t just disrespecting yourself, but through that disrespect, you are making yourself far less likely to get what you want.

And the reason for this is blindingly simple.

You’re unattractive.

And I don’t mean – big nose, bad teeth, small dick unattractive.

No, I mean your soul is unattractive. Who you are is just ugly.

In my article on the Fundamental Characteristics of the Attractive Man, I stated that the only trait that mattered was that a man developed himself, for himself. Not for her. That he built his life around who he is, what he wants, and who he wants to be. He accomplished his potential, he found his enjoyment and he went after goal, after goal, after goal, because that’s exactly what he wanted to do.

But this principle of developing yourself for yourself extends even further, in a way that is so essential it baffles me that I didn’t really expand on it. Here’s what I forgot to emphasize:

When you lie to a woman, you are using your own voice, your own words, your own expression of your identity, not for yourself, but for her.

On a fundamental level, this is the most unattractive thing you can do. It doesn’t matter how much you live for yourself, develop for yourself, and have fun for yourself; if your basic expression of your own identity, in words, is not for you, but for her, then you’re toast. You’re kablooey. Like some kid who acts tough only to come across someone truly aggressive; your attractiveness was an illusion that she will very quickly see through.

Your words are the expression of who you are. Before you do anything else with your life, the words you choose to communicate with, the words you choose to say, and the words you choose to stand by are the clearest representation of who you are, and what you firmly believe. Your words are your soul.

And it’s either attractive or unattractive.

It’s either for you or for her.

KILL THE POLITICIAN

Before you do anything else you have to fix how you speak. You have to start aligning your words with what you actually think and feel.

Not what I think, not what the news thinks, not what your friend thinks, not what will avoid confrontation, not what will get you laid and not what will make you friends, get you a promotion or make your parents love you; you have the say what you think and feel.

You have to find the Politician within your soul, put a .44 Magnum to his head, and blow his brains right across your frontal cortex until there’s nothing but your unfiltered voice blasting out like a guitar solo.

In words of the late, great Bill Hicks “play from your fucking heart”.

And you have to do this every time you speak.

Now, this might sound complicated, but it’s the method is actually very simple.

  1. You get in touch with who you are.
  2. You have to take the risk and just say it.

But as step one requires being traumatized, falling in love, breaking up, reading, questioning your values and all the gold of living that you naturally will have experienced to some degree already, I’m just going to say this:

The easiest way to start understanding who you already are and what you think and feel and believe is to start writing all of it down and exploring it. Get to know yourself by confronting yourself, and supplement that with the writing of people who have also done this; Freud, Tolstoy, Rousseau, Eliot, Levi, Frankl, Emerson, Dostoyevsky, Thoreau, Twain, Nietzsche, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Schopenhauer, Jung, and pretty much anyone whose writing has stood the test of time.

Because that’s what good writing is; identity – distilled and perfected. The more you do this, the more you will figure out the essentials of who you are. The only tonic that works better is trauma, and that’ll show up when it shows up. Just strap in and enjoy the ride.

Now let’s move on to 2) You have to take the risk and just say it.

I know countless people that practice meditation who are completely out of touch with their identity and words. They have almost nothing to say, and if you ask them any penetrating questions about themselves, they sit there with this airy look about them, eyes glazed over like a caught fish – what do they sit there doing? Have they attempted to think about nothing for so long that they’ve emptied their brain of all their merit as well?

God knows.

The reason I find this ironic is that the single greatest way to murder your Politician is to develop presence. When you develop presence (read: the awareness of what is happening right now and what you are doing right now) you develop the ability to spot your own bullshit, and when you’re faking your own identity – i.e saying stuff to appease your boss, women, make friends – instead of saying what you actually think.

The more you learn to spot when you’re not saying what you think, the more you can start pulling the trigger and start saying what you actually think.

This is best represented by looking at the conventional patterns of behavior, and how they fit into your life and automatic behavioral patterns.

Friendliness, being nice, being agreeable, being a gentleman, being confrontational, expressing displeasure, expressing annoyance, silence, hatred, anger, sadness, laughing at misfortune, taking pity on someone’s misfortune; all of these are examples of typical patterns of your own behavior.

But here’s how it needs to work:

Don’t be friendly unless you want to. Sometimes, you’re gonna feel like annoyed, irritated, you’ll want to be alone. The same goes for being nice. You don’t have to be nice if you don’t feel nice; if someone’s fucked you off, tell them.

Don’t be agreeable unless you genuinely agree or get on with the person. This one is essential. If you don’t enjoy their company, if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, if you think they’re wrong, say it and voice your opinion. Yes this will be confrontational, yes this might mean you’re in the wrong sometimes, but yes this the absolute right thing to do. Back your own opinion.

Don’t be a gentleman unless you want to. Big shock but not every woman deserves to have the door held open for her. Hell, some deserve to have it slammed shut on their way out. 

Be confrontational. If your opinion, beliefs, and values come into conflict with someone else’s and you don’t say or do something – why the fuck are you even alive? Why are you the spectator of your own life?

The same goes with displeasure, annoyance, silence, anger, hatred, black humor, empathy – if they are real within you, then you need to start expressing them. Don’t hold them back.

In other words: Never lie. Never pretend.

Because the more you learn to align your voice and actions with your soul, the stronger it becomes.

This is the pumping iron of spiritual strength. And when you’ve backed who you are long enough, and developed an identity, a will, and a soul that is robust and honest – then you’ve developed a strength that nobody can fake, and nobody can take away.

This is taking responsibility for your own inner strength and worth – your own personal power.

And in seizing your personal power, you’ve made the most attractive decision you can ever make.

 

*I’ve met many individuals who claim they’d be happy with this. But I’ve never met a woman who actually was.

*This is far from something I just see in single guys. No, I see this in guys in relationships even more. Because those guys aren’t just worrying about sex, they’re worrying about love as well. If neither of those needs is in a healthy place within you, then you’re sending the Politician to talk to your partner so much that you start to morph into the Politician. 

I can’t think of a single guy I know who isn’t like this with their partner.

 

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

 

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The One Thing Every Bad Listener Has in Common – and How to Fix It

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A FEW DAYS AGO, I wrote an article on storytelling and its role in charisma. In it, I broke down the structure of a good story and argued for its role in not just charisma, but in human connection itself. To me, story telling was essential.

But there were some who disagreed.

It was decided by some that rather than being good advice, this was instead detrimental, as it led people to blather on and reel off stories about themselves, without paying attention to anything the other person was saying. And I mean, sure, that is pretty shitty advice – but it’s also something I never recommended. So I put it to the back of mind and moved on.

Or at least, I tried to.

I’ve written a lot about charisma in the past – how it works within basic conversation and flirting, and how it’s essential roots lie, paradoxically, within the willingness to be perceived as unlikeable, rather than the skill of being found charming.

However, despite covering all of these topics, I have never once addressed the importance of listening itself – not just why you should do it, but how the different types of listening occur and how they affect your relationships and happiness itself.  

It’s time that changed.

THE FOUR TYPES OF LISTENING

Having worked in sales for most of my twenties, I’m no stranger to the concept of ‘teaching listening’. Stuffed into cramped board rooms and forced to consume hours of material (to be used solely for the purpose of manipulating others), the concept of different but all too commonly utilized forms of listening that appear in our day to day lives is something I’ve noticed for years.

In my own behavior, and in the behavior of others, I’ve often spotted varying and specific types of listening, that radically differ in the way we interact with others and the quality of relationships in our lives.

What I slowly came to realize is that these different types of listening all orbit around one single decision, a simple decision, that, as I will explain, has far flung consequences in our ability to connect with others, and have memorable interactions.

AWAY IN FUCKING LA LA LAND

Tell me if you recognize this:

  1. You are in a conversation with someone, but rather than listening to them, you are in fact listening deeply to whatever idea, thought or daydream that is currently engaging your brain. So intensely are you listening to this neural activity, that you cannot even hear what the person is saying.
  2. In order to keep the actual conversation going in real life (usually for no other reason than basic social decorum), you adopt the appearance and mannerisms of someone who is engaged, listening and interested. You nod, you lean forward, you occasionally perform an emotive facial expression, often followed by a gasped “really?”. Other verbal punctuations include, “Uh huh”, “sure” and a flurry of “Yeah, yeah”.

This is the appearance of listening; the simulation of it. In fact, the name I almost gave this was Simulated Listening.

As you can imagine, this simulation can only last so long before it’s exposed, typically when the other party in the conversation asks your opinion on something and you’re left frozen wondering what the fuck you were just asked.

This is the most frequent form of listening that you get with heavily introverted people, people who have ADHD, people who are exhausted, and also, me.

The chief negative of this problem is that it leaves you trapped within your head in conversation. Instead of consciously directing your focus at the person you’re speaking to (more on that later), you’ve decided to stay within your own head, listening to your own thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with that, but in the company of others, it drains you of your personality, your engagement, and prevents you from having real connection with others.

Do yourself a favor – save the deep thinking for when you’re alone.

TWIN TRACK LISTENING

You might not have heard of this but it is an epidemic that has consumed the entire world.

You know when you’re talking to someone, and maybe the TV’s on, their mobile phone is flashing up, someone’s having in argument in the restaurant or they’re also doing some kind of work, and the entire time they’re speaking to you but deep down you know they’re only half tuned into to your conversation, and simply offering what is necessary in order for it to continue whilst they tune it to what it is they actually want to concentrate on. Usually important things like Facebook.

This kind of listening is the one that leaves you most dissatisfied, and instead of having a true exchanged of ideas and feeling, all you’re left with is being managed.

The easiest way to spot this kind of listening in yourself is when you’re wanting to concentrate on something else, but instead of telling the other person this outright, you choose (for the reason of basic decorum) that instead, you’ll focus on both to placate the other person whilst keeping yourself happy.

You think you’re being nice but you’re actually just selfish.

If you’re an introverted person it’s unlikely you’ll do this, as with your head blasting out its own thoughts you’ll have a hard enough time concentrating on a what anyone else is saying as it is – but if you aren’t, I’d almost guarantee you do this. In our age of smart phones, WhatsApp and Instagram, there is simply too much instant access stimulation to divide our attention – an attention that is crucial to understanding others and emotionally engaging with them (I will get to this later).

And that divided attention might make for short term enjoyment, but in the long run, your relationships will suffer.

Which one do you think is actually worth focusing on?

THE PSYCHOPATH

I always considered it ironic that in sales training we were often instructed to ‘fake empathy’ with people. That is, when they had a genuine concern or grievance, we were tasked with listening to them in order to spot it, pretend to empathize with it, and then connect it to what we were trying to sell them.

Instead of listening to them for mutual enjoyment and mutual connection, we were listening to them in order to get something – in this case, their money.

But this kind of listening isn’t limited to sales people. It’s something everyone does.

The insecure guy desperately hangs on every word in order to say something that will make them like him; the guy trying to learn game frantically picks through her conversation to spot a moment to fake connection with her; the ambitious employee feigning interest to the boss in order to win approval, and maybe a promotion.

Just as everyone has what they want, everyone falls into traps of using listening in order to get what they want.

The downfall of this is that whilst it can be beneficial in terms of potentially achieving things you may desire, it almost always comes at the cost of true connection with others. Not only is this something that is felt by the person you are interacting with, but it also comes at the cost of your own real connection.

When we leverage conversation with others in order to get want, we cost ourselves the unique sparks of connection and spontaneity that true, organic conversations have. As we go into an interaction knowing our outcome, in either achieving it or not, we inevitably end up learning very little about the other person, and as a result ourselves, in the process.

This form of predatory listening is the most toxic as it is the easiest to consciously slip into. Where twin track listening and la la land have an element of the unconscious to them; predatory listening is a conscious decision to go forgo your own emotions and empathy in the place of your own desires.

At best, it gives you what you want, whilst leaving you with shallow, empty relationships. At worst, it gives you nothing at all.

Are either something you really want?

REAL LISTENING / DEEP LISTENING

We’ve talked about getting stuck in your own head, we’ve talked about dividing our focus between our conversation and something else, and we’ve talked about the predatory, psychopathic listening – and each of them has something in common.

They each involve focus.

In the truest, most real conversation you will have, you will be more focused on the other person than anything else. Not what you want, not what’s around you, not what’s in your head. The other person. Because it is within this focus, that you can truly listen and hear what the other person is saying, what the other person is feeling and who the other person is, and as a result connect on a deep and meaningful level.

This focus is subdivided as follows:

Listening – through focused attention:

  1. What is being said?
  2. What isn’t being said?

Feeling – through empathy:

  1. What is this person feeling?
  2. What does their tone/body language suggest?

The reason we focus on these is twofold:

  1. We will easily detect if someone is not listening to us, for any of the reasons listed earlier.
  2. If they are genuine, we will very easily connect with who they are and how they feel.*

When we listen to what the person is saying, we hear what it is they are trying are trying to say. When we listen to what they aren’t saying, we hear what it is that they are avoiding saying, or perhaps unaware they are trying to say. When we empathize with what they’re feeling, we begin to understand how they feel right now. When we listen to their tone and pay attention to their body language, we begin to see what feeling they might be hiding.

When we listen to all four, they all link together into a complete picture of the person we’re talking to. When we have a complete picture of who we’re talking to, we can share a picture of ourselves, and through this sharing, this conversation, we slowly uncover different elements of ourselves that we might not have been aware of (both them and us) and the sparks of connection and charisma come to life.

The logic for this is simple. When we feel what someone else feels, they feel safe. When we hear what someone else is saying, they feel heard. When we can see, and empathize with what they aren’t saying, they feel accepted and understood.

And all of this makes them feel better. It makes you feel better.

Isn’t that what charisma’s all about?

HOW TO START LISTENING WELL

One of the backward ways people look at conversation is they spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what they want to say, and what they want to get across, rather than investing focus on the other person in the conversation. And if they aren’t doing that, then they’re usually lost focusing on something else; tuned out, passively taking in the conversation they’re involved in.

This is present in every type of listening except for Real Listening.

When we’re in our own head, our focus is on ourselves. What am I thinking? How do I avoid getting found out? What do I need to say?

When we’re splitting our attention, our focus is on ourselves. How do I keep this person entertained whilst I look at what I want? How do I avoid getting found out?

When we’re trying to get what we want, our focus is on ourselves. How do I use what they’re saying to my advantage? How do I mask my intentions? How does what they’re saying connect to what I want?

When the focus is on ourselves, not only does our listening suffer, but as a result, so too does our charisma, our connection, and ultimately, our happiness.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Just as our ability to listen is destroyed by focusing our attention on ourselves, it is just easily bolstered by focusing it on them.

That’s the magic pill of listening.

Directed focus.

You choose to not listen to your thoughts. You choose to not listen to distractions. You choose to stop focusing on what you want. You look them in the eye. You turn your body towards them. You give them your focus, your attention and you listen.

That’s all there is to it.

There’s no secret, there’s no art, and there’s no reason why you’ve been held back from doing this already. It’s just a choice.

Stay in our own head, or find out whats in someone else’s.

Which one sounds more interesting to you?

 

*Unless we just don’t like each other.

 

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If there’s anything in this article you want to go in more depth on, or you just want to get in touch – drop me a message here! It’s completely free.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

If You Want To Be More Charismatic, Start Telling Good Stories

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IT DOESN’T TAKE A GENIUS to look around and see that, as a species, we’re completely obsessed with stories. Whether it’s the news, television, books or advertising, we consume stories relentlessly. And the reason why is no mystery.

Stories make us feel.

News makes us outraged. Titanic makes us cry. Twilight makes us gouge our eyes out and advertising makes us feel fat. Behind all the details of stories, there’s a feeling.

And if feeling lies at the heart of charm – it’s no coincidence then, that storytelling is one of the easiest ways to skyrocket your charisma.

In What Is Art, Tolstoy argued that art is when a feeling is transferred from the artist to another person. I believe charisma works in largely the same way; emotion is contagious, and when felt strongly, will often rub off on another person.

This is why when you feel anxious and uncomfortable, people tend to feel uncomfortable around you. This is why when you feel genuine warmth for someone they enjoy being around you.

The most charismatic people we meet are the ones who make us a feel a certain way. They’re the ones who capture our emotions and take us from a lower state of feeling to an intense one.

If we’re sad they can make us happier, or they can make us a sadder. If we’re angry they can make us laugh; if we’re bored they can make us excited.

And stories are the easiest way to do it.

Why else do we watch television when we’re lonely, scroll through other peoples lives on social media when we’re bored, why else do we go to the movies when our lives lack excitement?

Stories are everything.

But telling them well is a different matter altogether.

THE RULES

In this article, I’m going to break down the steps you need to tick off in order to tell a story well during a conversation. This is not something that is easy to do, but it is something that, with practice, you will learn to maximise your ability at. Below are the 7 techniques you will need to employ, in the listed order, to master any story you have to tell. For good examples of people doing this in practice, watch any stand up comedian worth his salt. It is essentially their job to do this well, and then some.

Here are the techniques:

  1. Start with the truth
  2. Embellish it
  3. Structure it
  4. Add obstacles
  5. Find your key elements
  6. Learn your delivery
  7. Fail, fail and fail until you’re good

But first, let’s start with the biggest excuse people normally give: I don’t have any good stories.

I DON’T HAVE ANY GOOD STORIES

One of the biggest complaints people have when it comes to telling good stories is that they don’t have any good stories from their life. And if you’re thinking this, then it’s a fairly compelling excuse; an excuse that’s, more often than not, justified with any number of reasons and evidence drawn from your own life. 

Maybe you’ve never done anything exciting. Maybe you’ve never experienced much of life. Maybe you’re a complete loser. Maybe you’ve been sat in your parent’s house all your life and have never known what it’s like to leave home.

But hang on, how many people have never left home. How many people know what that’s like? Isn’t that worth sharing? What the hell do you feel every day if you live like that?

I don’t know. I don’t think many people would know. But if you’re in that situation you might.

And that’s it. Nobody has experienced exactly what you’ve experienced and felt. It’s entirely unique to you.

You always have a story.

Now, it might not be as obvious as some of the examples I gave, but as with embellishment, you can take a kernel of truth and expand upon it. Often, you can take two separate, average stories, and blend them into one.

The other day I was on a train heading out of London when I needed to use the toilet. When I got inside, I sat down on the rattling toilet seat and went about my business. The whole place was filthy and cramped and got me thinking about a time I had food poisoning when I was on a bus, traveling. The bus didn’t have a functioning toilet seat, so I had to squat above it. The lock on the door didn’t work so I had to hold that shut as well. It was a nightmare. I remember that the walls were falling apart – all ripped and tattered. That, in turn, reminded me of the time I arrived at my third world hostel dorm only to find an insect nest in the corner of the room.

Eventually, sat there on the train toilet, I began to blend the stories into one. Until it became “I once got food poisoning on third world train. When I got to the toilet there was no seat, no lock on the door, and some kind of insect nest in the corner.”

And from there it basically tells itself.

The idea is that your life contains a variety of stories – some that will work from the outset, some that work better when combined – and all of them, without exception, are unique in emotional content to you. Nobody felt them the way you felt them. And passing that feeling on to others is what brings you together.

START WITH THE TRUTH, THEN EMBELLISH THE SHIT OUT OF IT

A good story starts with a kernel of truth.

Maybe it’s setting off the alarms at the museum, getting food poisoning, or asking a girl on a date. Whatever it is, the element of truth which you, or someone else, has experienced is the basis from which you build a strong story.

In my own life, I once set off the alarms at the Auckland Museum. That seems like a good place to start a story. But this on its own fairly thin, and lacking the necessary elements to heighten engagement.

In the early stages these elements are simple:

Context and embellishment.

Context is the events surrounding or grounding the story. And embellishment is what every story needs. Think of it like an amplifier, you take whatever you have that is true and amplify it. This might sound like lying, but as Mark Twain once said: “never let the truth get in the way of a good story.”

Now, just to be clear, I’m not saying for a second that you should lie. That’s lame. And considering you’d be doing it to impress people, that’s double lame. All you need to do is take a story that is true and exaggerate some of the elements so that they make for a better story. Think of it as giving the truth a facelift.

Taking that to my own story, I would say:

“I once set off the alarms at the British Museum.”

It just sounds better, bigger and grander. The trick is to keep it believable, but just expand the story so it’s more engaging to the listener. Often, they’ll spot that you’re exaggerating but won’t care because they understand you’re just telling a decent story.

Now that’s a fairly simple example, but consider this:

‘In Bolivia, I was attacked by dogs.’

This is true, I was. There were two of them. However:

‘In Bolivia, I was attacked by a pack of wild dogs.’

Sounds much better.

But telling that story from beginning to end lacks context, so I would usually add:

“Before I went traveling, I had to get a bunch of vaccinations. My doctor recommended all of them, but I only got the essentials. I skipped rabies, as, I’d never gotten bitten by animals in my life so why would that change now? Well, In Bolivia…”

This establishes more of context, also adds stakes to the story (other than, y’know, getting eaten). Context is essentially helping the listener orientate themselves to where the story is and who it is about. The more efficiently you can do this the better.

But if you’re looking to tell a story, you need to make things emotionally engaging. This is done two ways.

  1. Through structure.
  2. Through how you physically tell it.

STRUCTURE

First, we’ll deal with structure.

The basics are simple. Every story has a beginning, middle, and end. Which roughly translates as:

Beginning (context and set up), middle (conflict), end (resolution).

The beginning is where you want to give your listener a sense of place and character, as well as any elements necessary for the context of the story. You want to introduce what the story character wants, and how that brings them into conflict with people/things.

The middle is where the meat of your story is and will usually be the longest part. This is where you want all the conflict to occur, all the obstacles that your character has to face here, building up to a final, largest obstacle that they’ll have to overcome before the story is resolved. The more your character loses here the better.

The end is where you resolve your story. You resolve the conflict and you explain how your character got/didn’t get what they want. Any other side stories, elements or jokes that have been set up get resolved here.

OBSTACLES

On top of this, you have characters who are attempting to achieve some kind of goal. In order to dramatize this, you put obstacles between them and the goal. This naturally makes the story longer, but also increases the chances it’s emotionally engaging.

For every obstacle you introduce, you want to introduce a way around it that either works or doesn’t work out. The best kind of ways around it are ones that result in a ‘Yes, but’ which is something I use to describe a plan that works but incurs negative results as a consequence.

Consider this example, I will put the obstacles in bold.

“In Bolivia, I was attacked by a pack of wild dogs. I had turned down a wrong alleyway a night and stumbled across a pack of them. Their ears pricked up, and they instantly launched at me. I ran around the corner, straight into a fence, which I tried to climb but my keys fell out, so I dropped down to grab them, and the dogs leaped at me, but I got them, and fell over the other side and ran off down the street.”

Essentially you want it to be:

I wanted X, but then this happened so I did this, but then this happened so I did this, but then this happened so I did this, and then I finally got X / didn’t get X.

That’s the most simple structure you can use. Now note that the example follows the structure. It has context (I meet the dogs) and conflict (I’m trying to escape the dogs), but it still needs resolution.

Now, if I was to continue this story (and please bear in mind I’m trying to write this as I would say it to someone, rather than how I would write it), I would do it something like this:

“I thought I’d lost them, but when I reached my hostel, they were there. Two of them were moving towards me. The biggest dog approached me first, some kind of Pitbull. He cornered me into my door and was growling and barking – but the one behind him was even worse – this feral, yapping thing, leaping up at me.

I had no idea what I was doing but I turned to the bigger dog, looked him in the eyes and kept saying “easy”, “easy” in a calm voice and trying to look non-threatening. In mind, this seemed like the right thing to do. It never occurred to me that the dog probably spoke Spanish. I kept doing it and I don’t know what it was, maybe I reminded him of someone who treated him kindly, but he stopped barking and turned to leave. The little one, the beta dog, followed him. I was shaking, but I pulled myself together and opened the door. As soon as I did they both spun, and leaped at me. I slammed the door shut as they hit it and I fell to the floor hearing them barking and bashing against it, trying to get inside.

Laying there, all I remember thinking was “why the fuck I didn’t I get my rabies vaccination?”

The entire of that resolution, is true, incidentally.

Aside from the two basic obstacles of the dog, I also punctuated the general story with ironic or funny observations (the dog speaking Spanish, and my vaccinations). This isn’t as necessary as introducing an obstacle and an inventive way of overcoming it, but as humor is the most pleasant feeling, if you can get someone to laugh or smile, you’ve done a good job.

Now, this might seem like a lot of effort, but the reason I do this is simple. The embellishment and detail helps to build the emotion that I was experiencing at the time; panic and excitement.

But a story on it’s on isn’t enough. Where an experienced writer could take the above, and layer it with atmosphere, reversals, and drama – in conversation, you don’t have that much time, so you have you have to tell it well.

You have to tell it with feeling.

THE TELLING: KEY ELEMENTS AND DELIVERY

The difference between written story and spoken story is the time that you have to tell it. A book is all about deep immersion. I could go into detail about what the dog looked like, what the street looked like, what my relationship with the Bolivian economy is like and how the moon hung in the sky – but face to face that would take ages. It would bore you to death. You’d feel awkward standing there as I blathered on. Try reading a couple of pages of a book out loud. You’ll immediately notice it takes ages and that not a lot happens.

In person you want to be brief, you want to strip any story you have down to the basics, embellish it where necessary, dramatize it so it has feeling, and then you want to tell it. Because it’s in telling it that it comes to life.

The two rules for telling are expression and pauses.

Expression determines the mood/emotion you are trying to convey, and pauses give the expression emphasis.

Take this example. A few years back, I lived in a house filled with strange people. One was an alcoholic, one had pet rats, another was into S&M and another was wildly promiscuous. I usually tell stories about the last two; short ones, that rely almost entirely on the telling.

“My housemates Ex was banging on the door. She was saying she needed to pick up some of her old things. Sure, whatever. He wasn’t in, but I knew he’d placed her stuff in a box near his door. I left her to it, and she set to rummaging around in to box checking it was all there. When she was done, she picked it up and headed out. As she passed I took a look inside. Sat on the top was a strap on dildo. What the – ?”

“My house mate ran into my room one morning in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she said “I brought a guy back last night and he was really awful to me in the morning”, I felt bad for her and asked her what happened and she said “well, he started being really rude, laughing at me, and he turned to his friends -“ “hang on, what were his friends doing there?”

Neither of those work that well when you just say them, they rely entirely on saying the very last element with a look of complete confusion, bewilderment, and eventual figuring it out. This is for two reasons:

  1. It’s exactly what I felt at the time.
  2. It’s exactly what the listener is feeling.

The stories are about the realization that my housemate used to get pegged by his girlfriend, and that my other housemate had a gang bang. In both situations, I was none the wiser, and this news was dropped on me in a strange fashion. That was the feeling, so that is the feeling I need to convey.

The general principle of expression is to feel it strongly. Almost exaggerate it. Just as you embellish details, exaggerate expression. It just heightens the effect. Then, with pausing, hold it for longer than you think is necessary. Hell, I often look around bewildered, then wander off at the end.

So for the example of the dogs story. I would typically tell it quite fast paced with a general emotion of fear or worry, slowing down at points of emphasis. Fast paced because I was being chased. Fear because I was scared. And slowing down at moments like “It never occurred to me that the dog probably spoke Spanish” because that only really works if I say it like it’s a moronic realization.

The trick is finding the moments that are the key elements that the story hinges on. These moments are the ones where the feeling exists, and it is these moments, that when targeted, will help the person listening feel the same thing. The same principle applies for punchlines of jokes.

FAILURE

For every story I tell that lands, there’s a dozen where the altimeter gives out and I glide in ignorance straight into a mountain face.

Some people won’t like what you’re selling, no matter how sharp it is, and what’s worse, you won’t be good at selling it till you’ve failed to do so a dozen times.

It’s all well and good to have a great story, but until you’ve taken the risk in conversation to tell it, you’ll never learn if it’s actually any good and if you actually have any ability to tell it. As I’ve argued before, charisma of any kind hinges on you potentially being unlikeable.

Stories epitomize this. There are few things that risk a negative response more than telling a story badly. It is a woeful faux pas. But you have to go through it and you have to risk it.

There is no other way.

LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU

Good stories don’t just entertain, they help people learn who you are, and what you feel.

One of my biggest problems is that I have always been a class clown. The dipshit at school who said stupid things to make people laugh always got sent out of class and was always looking for approval. In many ways, I’m still that guy. I like to entertain people. The only thing that’s changed is I care less about what they think.

The flaw with this is that whilst I make people laugh, I often end up avoiding stories which really open me up (and by extension them) as a person. I make them feel what I want them to feel, rather than feel what I am. In reality, I need to tell better stories like anyone else, not just for charisma’s sake, but to feel closer to the people I’m around. To make me feel less alone.

For you, this will be no different.

You’ll have been through a break up, or you’ll have met someone that inspires you, or failed sometime, or succeeded sometime, you were probably brave once, you were probably a coward once – you’ve lived a life, and because of this, you’ve experienced all the various things that other people have, but in your own unique way.

Learn to share that uniqueness.

Because when we’re trapped within ourselves, and the most we offer socially is entertainment, or even worse, silence, we never actually let people get to know who we are. We never actually escape our own loneliness.

It’s not how I’d want to live.

I remember when I first started dating. Girls would always ask me why I was single, how long my relationships were for and why they failed. Of my biggest relationship, I would always say “it fizzled out”, and move on to some entertaining story or joke. I shared nothing of value about myself.

The truth was that my relationship failed because I was needy, didn’t really have my own life, and I was manipulative and terrified of being alone. My ex-girlfriend contributed in her own way sure, she didn’t really know what she wanted. But my reasons were clear, and my responsibility. I was needy and a bit of a loser. But years later, despite being confident that I was no longer that same person, I never shared that. I always moved on. Scared deep down that those same reasons for being rejected then would be a reason to reject me now.

What happened when I opened up about it was quite the opposite.

They accepted it. And shared some of their own failed relationships and emotional failings. They admired the confidence.

Go figure.

In admitting I wasn’t confident in the past, it turns out I was now.

For years I’d felt like that was a weakness, an ugliness that was unique to me, but in reality, plenty of other people; men and women had been there. Telling that story allowed me to realize I wasn’t alone.

And it allowed them to realize they weren’t either.

 

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Here’s The Truth About Being A ‘Player’ – The Sad, Emotionally Stunted Reality Of Your Fantasy

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truth about being a player

IT WAS A sobering moment when I befriended guys who ‘got laid all the time.’ I had formed an idea of who I wanted to be in my mind, an idea that was based around how I wished to behave, the results I wanted to get, and the way people would react to me. This idea, to my mind, would prevent me from feeling what I felt at the time; loneliness, sadness, and shame.

Based on what I felt was lacking within me, this idea took root in the real world as a ‘player’. A guy who got all the girls, and was capable of getting the validation I emotionally needed at the time. For a long time, it was my ultimate fantasy.

Eventually, it came to be something that I outgrew. And a lot of (read: all) the things I learned along the way ended up on this blog and in my Complete Dating Course. (Which is 8-hours of video lessons and exercise goodness, alright, alright back to the article).

The truth was that like any fantasy when it came to my idea of the ‘player’ – reality had its ugly way with it. 

THE PLAYER

I was sat in a hostel in South East Asia, talking with a guy who had an exceptional ability with women. When we went out, he’d almost always bring one home. He’d talk to them in bars, the club, the street, everywhere. When I asked him about his life, he always had stories littered with women. In fact, it seemed his stories never ran out. He’d experienced everything.

But despite this, something always seemed off.

Halfway through his latest story, probably about some South American threesome, or that stripper he took home, I asked him if he’d ever had a long-term relationship. He said he had, then continued on with a story, probably about an air hostess. He was smiling and happy, but his body language screamed at me that he had avoided the question. So later I asked him again.

And I noticed a pattern.

When he talked about his Ex, it was stories about how she wasn’t over him, how whenever he went home she would jump at the chance to make herself available, how he felt sorry for her and sorry for the guy she was with. When he talked about his Ex, he made a point of illustrating how she knew she had lost out, because, clearly, he was such a great guy.

It was a pattern of details, of attention; where he always seemed to find a way to illustrate how desirable he was, and how hopeless women were without him. And it didn’t just pervade the stories of his ex, I came to realize it occurred in every story he told and everything he did.

It was one of those points in a conversation where the connection between you breaks, and you realize, despite the apparent similarities, that this is someone who is different to you on a fundamental level. He needed me to know his Ex regretted losing him. He needed girls to want to sleep with him and he needed me to know girls wanted to sleep with him. Because, at the base of it all, he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to himself. He needed all these things.

He was consumed by his need for validation.

THE NEED FOR EMOTIONAL VALIDATION

Despite the attention he got, the lifestyle he had, and the confidence he walked around with – there was something oddly hollow about him, something pitiable. I saw in him everything external that I wanted, but at the same time, nothing that I wanted internally. He was a man at once propelled by his confidence and ability, whilst at the same time, stunted by his malformed emotional needs, which he constantly had to placate with validation. Inside, he was just as needy as I was when I had started. He was just as needy as a guy who couldn’t get laid.*

Despite his results, he was everything I was trying to run away from.

Befriending guys like this, I eventually became disillusioned with my fantasy. The reality wasn’t a life I wanted, and it was a life that seemed to trap a lot of men. No ‘player’ seemed to have made it out the other side. Far from being immune to the pains that had driven me to seek validation from women, these men had been consumed by it. But what’s worse is that whilst they got laid all the time, they never, ever got the kind of girl who was impressive in her own right (confident, self-assured, and with her shit together). Instead, they had just become really good at gaming emotionally needy women. Because they were so emotionally stunted, all they could attract were emotionally stunted women.*

Both of them, locked in some need for validation from one another.

Right before my eyes, the James Bond fantasy became unmasked like some Scooby Doo episode as the babyish, emotionally immature fantasy that it always was. It turned out to be a life I didn’t want; and more importantly, a weak man that I never wanted to become. 

THE REALITY OF MOST ‘PLAYERS’

A lot of guys find it hard to move beyond this need for validation. Hell, I still do too, even though I actively try to avoid it. The truth though, is that this lifestyle, without exception, has appeared in my life as something entirely without merit. Aside from a basic ability to confront anxiety, this lifestyle is usually an indication of an innate inability to confront something about oneself. 

This, of course, is not to say that being promiscuous is bad. It is only to say that your attachment to the idea, and any attachment to the idea you see in others – is almost always a bad sign. A sign that you or they are emotionally stuck, and going to stagnate.

When we let go of the hunger for validation, we invite into our lives a quality of emotional living that rewards us with enriched opportunities from life. If we truly value our development over our need for validation, then the outcome we invite is that we live lives that are in a constant state of growth. Instead of feeling we need to be someone, we organically become someone.

Instead of telling people stories to enhance our ego, we tell people stories that add something to their lives. Instead of learning how to attract a certain kind of woman, we naturally attract the kind of woman who is right for us.*

With the rise of online dating, the shallowness of relationships has never been higher. Any guy with decent photos and a lick of confidence can become a ‘player’. But in becoming this player, he inadvertently confines himself within a sphere of emotional growth. It’s never been easier to get validation, but it’s validation that we should be wary of. Because looking outside yourself for fulfillment, in itself, stops you as soon as you get it.

Instead of aspiring to become another fantasy, hold your emotional richness as a benchmark for your own achievement. Look to overcome your fear, enhance your happiness, expand your comfort zone and diversify your identity. Instead of becoming a fantasy that exists to get you validation from women, become a fantasy that exists to make your life more fulfilling.

Because when you do, the women will come, and instead of being limited by it, you’ll be all the better for it.

—

*I still see this same guy posting pathetic and ill-veiled updates on Facebook talking about how he’s newly single and ready to go wild. As if anyone cares and it isn’t blindingly obvious this is just to make his Ex jealous.

*If this is something you’re into, go for it. Personally, I’ve always found it unfulfilling, boring, and not much of a rewarding challenge.

*Unsurprisingly, the kind of woman who could lock us down.

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Rejection Is Your Best Friend – How To Attract Women Who Are Genuinely Into You

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I SPENT MOST of my youth chasing relationships that were destined to crash into a screaming shit-heap, only for me to brush myself off, sniff-out another disaster, and head careening straight for it.

Like anyone else in those situations, I blamed it on luck. I was never one of those who outwardly said “I’m unlucky in love”, but inwardly, I was one of those who said “I’m unlucky in love”, whilst nursing a pot-noodle and watching sobbing re-runs of Titanic.

Whether it was a short, medium or long-term relationships, there seemed to be something about me that was preventing me from having the kind of relationship I actually wanted. Y’know, the fulfilling, exciting, supermodel one. Everything I ended up with was some measure of half-enthusiastic, halfheartedness, leaving me in a constant state of chasing someone who wasn’t really that into me.

It was a drag.

Our relationships in life say a lot about who we are as people. In his masterpiece, Anna Karenina, Tolstoy wrote “all happy families resemble one another. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I believe this is the same for a successful relationship, only in reverse. There is an essential element to relationships, that, depending on how we approach it, is either our best friend or our worst enemy. And it is our approach to this element that determines not only the initial success of the relationship but also the continued success of the relationship.

That element is rejection. And how we approach it determines everything.

THE MODEL OF ATTRACTION

When we attempt to meet new people in order to pursue a short or long term relationship, we will typically find ones we are physically attracted to and seek to win their attraction, approval, and interest.

This model of relationship building is the auto-pilot default of human mating, and it’s off shoots lie in the realms of flattery, coercion, fakery, supplication, approval seeking, disingenuousness, and pandering.

This model is engaged with, not just with the outcome of a relationship in mind, but more so because of the awareness of the obstacle that is present in the pursuit of that relationship: that is, the potential rejection.

Everything done in the attempt to win the approval of the one we’re attracted to is a direct effort to counteract and avoid this rejection. But this rarely results in the outcome we want.

I’ve written in other articles explaining how this behavior is unattractive in itself. So by approaching a woman we’re attracted to in this manner actively makes them less attracted to us. We’re making deliberate strides to shoot ourselves in the foot. But more importantly, the results we receive from this kind of pursuit are either empty-handedness or worse, we’re left with someone who we have convinced to be somewhat interested in who we have wanted them to perceive us as. Instead of leaving us with someone who likes us, avoiding rejection either leaves us rejected for being unattractive, or with someone who likes someone we aren’t.

THE COUNTERINTUITIVE APPROACH

The opposite to this approach is simple.

We aim to get rejected.

A running theme in my articles is this: “find the cause of the shitty results in your life and do the opposite.” Tired of working hours on something and getting nowhere? Spend a day doing nothing at all and watch the creative spark detonate. Bored of your life and its unfulfilling routine? Replace your external environment piece by piece, and watch that life change before your eyes.

In dating my advice is no different. When avoidance of rejection leaves you alone or in unsatisfying, broken relationships; the answer is to start inviting rejection into your life.

When I met my ex-girlfriend for the first time, I was overwhelmed with an awareness of my own behavior and the risks that my behavior posed to the potential relationship (read: sex) that loomed over the horizon. However, far from being introspective, I was instead hyper-aware of her and simply reacted accordingly. Unbeknownst to her, she was the hand on my marionette. The elements of my personality that were incompatible with her I simply kept hidden. Unsurprisingly, the result was two people, who although they liked each other, always struggled to make their relationship work.*

It turned out that in looking to not get rejected, I had rejected the possibility of a great relationship from my life. Leaving only a broken one.

We avoid rejection because we don’t like what it says about us. It says we aren’t good enough, it says we aren’t worthy; and we avoid it because worst of all, it feels like it’s validating what we already know; that we’re unlovable and destined to be alone. When our self-esteem is vulnerable, we avoid blows from rejection as if they were physical wounds. But as a result of this avoidance of rejection, we simultaneously avoid the very thing that will develop and strengthen our self-esteem; being accepted for who we really are.

When we avoid rejection by altering how we behave, what we tolerate and what we want to do, we actively reject ourselves from ever being accepted for any of those things. In other words, we stop ourselves from ever being liked for just being ourselves.

If someone rejects you for who you are, this is someone who you would never have a fulfilling relationship with. If someone accepts you for who you are, this is someone you would have a fulfilling relationship with by doing virtually nothing. This is, incidentally, why the majority of my pickup advice is: develop yourself, make a move.

DEEP REJECTION

If we actively avoid rejection out of a desire to be loved, it can be reasoned that we believe we are unworthy of love as we are, and therefore we aren’t just avoiding rejection from them; but we are actually doing far worse:

We are rejecting ourselves.

When we accept a relationship with someone who has a middling response to us, we are accepting that as the life we want and we are accepting that as the relationship we deserve. The truth of rejection is that we are rejecting ourselves before anyone else ever has the chance to.

This mismanagement of priorities comes from an inability to understand what makes us happy. When we believe a relationship will make us happy, we will actively pursue any relationship. When we feel we need validation in order to be happy, we will seek people’s approval at any cost.

The longer we remain trapped in a web of toxic motivation and needy behavior, the longer we will avoid rejection and shut ourselves off from rewarding relationships. The onus then is on ourselves to take responsibility for our approach to relationships and rejection.

LETTING GO

The simplest way to start getting the quality of relationships you truly want in your life, whether that be short term flings or long, fulfilling intimacy, is to start letting go of the desire to not be rejected.

Accept that it’s there, acknowledge it, then do the opposite. The more you develop an awareness of the ways in which you are avoiding rejection, and adjust your behavior accordingly, the more you open yourself up to meeting great people. Letting go of your avoidance of rejection isn’t about not feeling a desire to avoid it, it’s about recognizing that desire when it occurs, and in the many ways it occurs, and acting in spite of it.

This might be anything from not approaching her, to not speaking your mind, to not being as physical as you feel like you want to. Anything.

In a question, this process would ask: “Am I rejecting myself right now?”

Let’s say you want to get laid in a nightclub. The most likely person to sleep with you is a sexually active, attracted girl, who is comfortable with her sexuality. By actively being upfront and direct about your intentions and sexuality, you screen out girls who aren’t into you or comfortable with their sexuality, and you actually invite a girl into your life who views sexuality the same way you do. By getting rejected more, you have more sex. Go figure.

At the opposite end of the scale, in long term relationships, you are far more likely to meet someone who genuinely likes you for who you are if you are accepting rejection from people who don’t like you for you are. Instead of trying to ‘get back in touch’ with the ex who doesn’t want you, or trying to win over the girl who isn’t that interested, you accept the rejection and move on to people who are actually interested, genuinely invested, and much more capable of falling in love with you.

When you let go of your need to avoid rejection, you free yourself to start seizing opportunities; the more you get rejected for who you actually are, the faster you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who are interested and invested in who you are.

A LIFESTYLE OF REJECTION

The more we invest in who we feel need to be in order to be loveable, the more we invest in rejecting ourselves. Rejection doesn’t just lie within our behaviors around others, but in the very way we live our lives.

If we feel that we need to earn money in order to be worthy of love; we will devote all our efforts to pursuing that in the hope that we’ll get our needs met, all whilst simultaneously ignoring any germ of true personality that lies within us. If we feel we need to be funny and charming in order to be liked, we will smooth over moments of natural tension in interactions and destroy any spark that could have taken life.

When we fail to develop our lives and develop the richness of diversity and opportunity that exists within its potential; we reject ourselves from meeting a broad variety of people that would match us.

If we pay attention to finding the gold within us – maybe our desire to get into politics, or our desire to blog and travel, or our love of Japanese Anime, rugby, wrestling, classic literature, black and white cinema, hardcore clubbing or break dancing – we naturally give ourselves a compass which we can follow to find those who suit us best.

GENUINE DECISIONS FOR GENUINE RESULTS

Taking responsibility for our relationships means taking responsibility for the emotional reality in which our decisions with the opposite sex are made. In order to have the kind of relationships, sex life, and connection that we desire, we have to confront our own motivations and our approach to our identity.

Because if we’re acting from a place that rejects us before anyone has had the chance to, then those relationships will never come into being. Not only is this unsatisfying but it leaves us in a state of self-reinforcing emotional limbo. Every time we invest in someone who isn’t really into us, we invest in that part of ourselves that tells us we aren’t enough.

The problem with a results orientated mindset is that it prevents us from seeing what actually gives us the results we want. In relationships, this is enormous. Good relationships don’t start with a relationship, they start with someone who has a good relationship with themselves.

Before you look outwards, you have to look inwards, or you’ll never allow anyone to genuinely love you for who you are.

 

*Basically had a young, dumb relationship like anyone else.

Liked this article? Help me make an impact, and share it on social media. Just click one of the icons at the bottom or top of the page. Thanks!

And make sure to subscribe to never miss a post, or alternatively, like me on Facebook, so you’re always up to date on the latest content.

If there’s anything in this article you want to go in more depth on, or you just want to get in touch – drop me a message here! It’s completely free.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

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Here’s Why You Need To Start Meeting Women During The Day

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THE MORE each generation becomes digital, the less men are learning to confront their anxiety and pursue women they’re attracted to. After all, why confront uncomfortable feelings when you can simply swipe from the comfort of your mobile phone? Why develop an ability to build connection and attraction out of that initial awkward stage of the meeting, when you can just comfortably chat behind a messaging app?

I say this not to judge those who do, but to genuinely pose the question.

Why would you?

COMPETITION

Aside from a deeply felt desire, there aren’t many reasons, and online dating makes more sense within the confines of people’s lives. This is only going to become more and more prevalent.

But it is precisely the answer to this question that makes approaching girls during the day so incredibly beneficial.

Where most men shy from their anxiety, you instantly differentiate yourself as someone who doesn’t. Where most men take a passive approach to their desire, you take an active one. Where most men are scared of her, you aren’t.

The answer why is because you’re inherently attractive.

When I’ve written about attraction in the past, I’ve argued is has everything about what you do and why you do it, specifically, that you act from a place of your own desire, and not from a desire to appear attractive to her.

Instead of preening your photos online, you actively put yourself in uncomfortable, often awkward situations, simply because it’s what you want to do.

And not only is this is attractive behavior, it’s magnified by the fact that no other guy does this.

SOCIAL PRESSURE

When writing about the benefits of meeting women at night, I discussed how the ego suffers twin blows as a result of rejection. The first comes from the blow dealt to the self, usually in the form of an external validation of an internal limiting belief, i.e a rejection from a girl validating your lack of self-worth. The second comes from the humiliation of social embarrassment. And this fear is so prevalent, it’s why so many people desperately crave not giving a fuck. This is why some guys have to do press ups in public in order to even be able to approach during the day. It’s why I find it far easier to approach in a foreign country than I do back home.

It’s one of those fears that sits right in the DNA. Nobody likes to get shot down in front of other people.

When talking about bars and clubs, I stressed that the strength of venues themselves was the fact that they offer an inherent element of anonymity, that, in a way, protect you from much of the social embarrassment. Nobody knows who you are or who you know, and they’re far more concerned with themselves.

And because of this, you should embrace the opportunity.

But when meeting girls during the day, this can feel like less of the case.

Whilst it’s true that as with bars in clubs, in the day time nobody knows who you are, or who you know and they’re far more concerned about what they’re doing; what you are doing is also far more social abnormal and uncommon.

And you, and everyone else is aware of this.

And because of this heightened state of social abnormality, the true fear of meeting girls during the day doesn’t come from rejection, but instead from embarrassment, of being seen doing something that is socially inappropriate and uncommon.

I state this because half the battle with dealing with fears is the ability to correctly label them. Sometimes a spade is a spade; and in this instance, you’re afraid to talk to girls during the day because you don’t want to be laughed at.

It’s the same fear that exists at bars and clubs but magnified, as it sits outside of the social conventions of the aforementioned venues.

It is crucial to understand this not just because of correctly understanding and managing your fears, but chiefly because you need to understand that talking to women as they go about their day to day lives is so uncommon that it can sometimes be threatening.

DROP THE GAME

The rule with meeting girls during the day is:

“Less is more.”

The reason for this is empathy. If you walk up to a girl during the day, the first reaction she’s going to have is one of startled confusion. She’s likely been walking around, stuck in her head, or blasting music into her ears, and suddenly, some guy’s shown up out of nowhere and started speaking to her. She’s going to be thinking ‘who is this guy? is he a threat? what does he want?’ and she’ll probably, like you, feel embarrassed.

This is why you should lay off with anything remotely out of the ordinary. Be plain, hell, even be kind of boring. After all, you’re already doing something that stands out, if you continue to add more layers of standing out, it just begins to overflow, overwhelm and end with you wiping out.

It’s not necessary.

But more importantly than this, one of the greatest benefits of meeting women during the day is that it shows you how little you have to do to have the dating life you want to have. More often than not, you just have to show up.

JUST BE DIRECT

As above, her startled and anxious state is going to lead her to question why on earth you’re speaking to her. Are you a tourist? Are you a creep? Are you gonna try and convert her to Mormonism?

She has no idea. So not only is she startled, she’s also confused and she need’s context. What is this interaction about? What do you want?

You solve this, by, funnily enough, telling her. You wanted to meet her, you thought she was cute – whatever. Make it up. As long as it’s true and provides a clear context, that’s fine.

As above, the benefit to doing this is that it involves substantially backing your own desire, and not leaning into that voice that tells you that need to do something in order to get her.

No, you just show up and put yourself on the line.

SELF-RESPECT

Whether or not you have an inherent interest in improving your dating life, it remains the case that approaching women you’re attracted to is one of the best and most effective ways of building self-respect and self-confidence that there is. Beyond any external results, internally, you will be honoring your most powerful instinct, and honoring your own self-worth.

This is, incidentally, why most guys find it so hard. On top of their issues with social embarrassment, they also have lingering issues of self-worth. And whilst I recommend confronting these issues of self-worth through therapy and self-reflection, the simplest way to smash through the plateau and improve the baseline of your self-worth is to engage with exactly what it tells you not to engage with.

As with attraction, approaching has less to do with them, and everything to do with you. At the beginning of this article, I asked why men would confront anxiety and approach women when they could just sit at home and swipe from the comfort of their phone.

The answer, it turns out, is simple. You’d do it for yourself. Because you respect your desires, acknowledge your worth, and don’t want to succumb to your fear and vanity. You don’t just want more from life, you can more from yourself.

So next time you catch yourself questioning whether you should – ask yourself this:

Why wouldn’t you?

 

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WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

You Need To Stop Trying To Be Attractive

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IN MY ARTICLE, the fundamental characteristics of the attractive man, I posited that an attractive man is attractive in as much as he invests in himself, as opposed to the opinion a woman has of him. On a small scale, this is the man who ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ if he gets rejected, and can’t really be phased by her; on the large scale, this is the man who invests his time into understanding who he his, what his values are, and applies his time with hard work and confidence into bringing the life he wants into being.

This is the fundamental characteristic of attractiveness. It is the great equalizer. I don’t care if you look like The Phantom of the Opera; if you have that fundamental locked down, you’ll never have to worry about your dating life again.

But despite this, men struggle. Hell, I struggle. Some parts of the mind, no matter how hard I try, are always fighting with me to serve my needy instincts, and try and impress people, women, cats*; even though I am well aware I do not need to, nor do I want to.

And there’s a simple reason for that:

The desire to be liked by the person we’re attracted to is a fundamental, inescapable element of the seduction process.

Or, more simply:

The neediness is always there.

And part of this is fine. Neediness, as bad a rap as I give it, isn’t entirely the devil. Neediness is what drives you to invest in the other person, and it’s that investment in them that makes them feel wanted, and a little bit less alone.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

But it’s also the neediness that makes you over invest, try to morph your behavior into what you think will make them invest in you; so that you’ll feel wanted, and a little less alone.

The conflict between what you should do, and what you feel you should do; exists at every stage of an interaction; and it is in within this inescapable conflict of interests, that people act so fucking bizarrely when confronted with someone they’re attracted to.

I’ve seen people scream at their exes houses in the night, guys buy drugs for their fucked up girlfriend, guys act like headless chickens on dates, and girls follow narcissistic men around like lost puppies – all because they are doing what they feel they should do, rather than what they should do.

And the reason why this is such an error is that acting out of what you feel you should do in order to attract the person you want, actually causes you to be unattractive and unlikeable; whereas acting out of what you should do, is inherently attractive, and inherently likable.

And it is only in being aware of this dichotomy, that you can allow yourself to be liberated from it, and express your neediness healthily.

THE KEY TO AWARENESS

There is a simple to key to awareness of one’s actions, and where they sit on the spectrum of what you feel you should do vs what you should do and it is this:

When you feel you should do something, it is because you think you need to appear a certain way in order to get the result, and validation you emotionally require.

This leads to one consistent pattern of action:

You try to be attractive.

Think about anytime you’ve been confronted with an attractive girl. How often have you been completely free and at ease within the interaction; and how often have you been half-free, but also half-inside your head, half inside the narrative that tells you to act disinterested, show attention to other girls, demean her self-esteem, or engage in some manipulative interaction.

I’m sure, in most instances, you fall into the latter category.

It is also this desire to try and be attractive, that leads you into situations where you’re pursuing a goal instead of pursuing whatever it is you genuinely want to do. Nightclubs are a classic example of this; they exist for people to have fun. Almost always with their friends. But countless guys, because they feel they need to try to be attractive, often not just to others, but to themselves, go to nightclubs for the sole purpose of getting laid.

They don’t really know how to have fun, and usually, their results reflect it.

Luckily, the opposite of this behavior is simple. It’s called being attractive.

And it’s done by doing attractive things.

DOING ATTRACTIVE THINGS

Now, I know, your knee-jerk reaction is probably: ‘Isn’t doing attractive things basically the same as trying to be attractive.’

And, well, no, it isn’t at all.

Because trying to be attractive is based entirely on what you think they like; whereas doing attractive things is entirely based on what you want to do.

It is about acting from the fundamental characteristic of attraction.

  • When you don’t care about trying to be attractive, you’d probably end up in a nightclub because you were having a good time with your friends, and focused on having fun.
  • When you don’t care about trying to be attractive, you’d probably go up and talk to the girl rather than staring at her and thinking about what to say.
  • When you don’t care about trying to be attractive, you’d probably talk about what you’re genuinely interested in, rather than thinking about what the most charismatic thing to say was.

In other words, doing attractive things is about letting go of the desire to be perceived as attractive. It’s about feeling that pull of neediness as anyone would, but instead of being led by it, doing the opposite of what it says.

It even affects you in the short term – when you don’t care about trying to be attractive, but genuinely just really want to get laid, you’re probably pretty direct with your sexuality, and pretty up front about your intentions. Whereas when you’re trying to be attractive, and your neediness is running rampant, I’d wager that’s the exact opposite of what you’d do.

In fact, being direct and upfront is generally a good sign your acting from the right side of the spectrum.

The power in doing attractive things comes from how little you end up having to do. Whereas neediness sends you down pathways of constant reactionary behavior and management of the other person, genuinely being attractive has little to do with anything else, but everything to do with you recognizing your neediness and choosing to let it go.

It’s about understanding who you are, and what you want; and letting go of who you feel you need to be, what you feel you need; because only once you’ve sorted out that conflict of interests, are you free to take the naturally attractive actions that are well within your ability to take.

*Cats turn me into a subservient idiot. And I’m okay with that.

Liked this article? Help me make an impact, and share it on social media. Just click one of the icons at the bottom or top of the page. Thanks!

And make sure to subscribe to never miss a post, or alternatively, like me on Facebook, so you’re always up to date on the latest content.

If there’s anything in this article you want to go in more depth on, or you just want to get in touch – drop me a message here! It’s completely free.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!