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Attraction

Where to Meet Women As An introverted Man

by Visko Matich · Apr 16, 2019

Where to Meet Women As An introverted Man

This is a complete guide on where to meet women as an introverted man. If you are shy on any level and find socializing difficult, then this is the guide for you. I recommend you pair it with this guide on how to become successful with women. – Visko


MY FIRST decision in dating wasn’t exactly the smartest.

I was young, terrified, and in my early twenties. I was completely inexperienced and had no idea what I was doing, and to top it all off, I made the bright choice of going about it in a way that directly conflicted with who I actually was.

(Spoiler: this is a terrible way to pursue any goal).

Instead of recognizing that I was, at least at the time, largely introverted, shy, lacking in social experience, and pissing my pants at the thought of rejection – I decided that I was extroverted, outgoing, and a colorful social butterfly. The result of this was that I went about improving my dating life in the most cliche way possible:

 I hit up bars and clubs.

(You go party boy!)

I would often do this with friends, but sometimes on my own. As many as four to five times per week. I got rejected a lot (read: a shit load). I didn’t really enjoy myself. I set myself the arbitrary rule of doing it sober, which only made it harder (albeit cheaper). And what few successes I had came at the expense of spending my time in a way I didn’t really want to.

Now, I’m not about to tell you it stayed this way forever. Eventually, I did warm up to the idea of hanging out in bars and clubs and partying till 6 am drunk on vodka – something I occasionally do to this day. But I also made my life a hell of a lot harder than it needed to be.              

Because I was naturally introverted and shy, the last places I needed to go in order to meet women were places that were loud and prized extroversion. Sure, they eventually got me out of my shell, but it was a slow and painful uphill grind.

Luckily for you, I’m here to help you find a shortcut around that grind.

Meet Women as an Introverted Man

There are a few fundamental choices when it comes to having a good dating life:

  • Accept rejection, or blame yourself?
  • Improve your life or blame everyone else?
  • Men, women, or both at the same time?
  • And lastly, where are you going to meet the women you date?

This guide is all about that last choice. Because it’s one of the most important ones you can make. Aside from actually going up to women and talking to them, the act of choosing the right places to meet them has a huge influence on whether you’ll actually be successful or not.

And those right venues have everything to do with who you are. I.e. if you’re a 35-year-old introverted librarian who collects Eldrazi magic cards and reads Lady Audley’s Secret (spoiler: her secret is complicated, but it involves faking her own death, marrying another guy, and generally being batshit insane) then going to a night club filled with university students probably isn’t going to end up being the wild night you think it will.

This guide is aimed at solving that fundamental problem by helping you find avenues of dating that fit well with your natural introversion as a man.

The Reality of Introversion

Before we dive into the guide on meeting women, there’s something you need to understand:

Introversion is not a fixed state. And it’s important to differentiate it from anxiety.

You might feel shy, overwhelmed by people, and desire to be alone – but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll feel that way forever. This is something to bear in mind when you approach any of these recommended ways of meeting women.

It’s also important to remember that what might feel like “symptoms” for your innate introversion are often just anxiety. It was certainly that way for me.

I would go to anywhere with lots of people and I would feel like I was trapped inside my head, hyper-conscious of everything I said, and feeling (pretty arrogantly and narcissistically) as if everyone cared how much I sucked.

(All this did was make me hyper-aware of any “perceived” evidence that this was true.)

The reality was this had nothing to do with my introversion. I was just anxious. I had spent all week, and most of my life not socializing, and so I found social situations difficult. Not exactly rocket science. I didn’t need to beat myself up. I needed experience, and to stop telling myself “this was how I was.”

Because like my introversion, my anxiety was something that could change.

When it comes to dating, you need to understand that introversion and extroversion is a scale – you can be at either end and be successful with women, and you CAN change where you are on that scale.

This means: your introversion isn’t holding you back. You are.

The only reason extroverts SEEM more successful is that by way of them being more socially inclined they put themselves in the way of more opportunities, and generally, on the surface at least, experience less anxiety.

That’s it.

The Easiest Ways To Meet Women as an Introverted Man

There are two basic ways to meet women as an introverted man that are more effective than anything else in this guide.

These are:

Basic Social Circle Expansion

A few years into my career as a wannabe Casanova, I got out a pen and paper and wrote down every single woman I’d been with and how I met them. I didn’t do this to stroke my ego, I simply wanted to know where I saw the vast majority of my results.

The answer was something that surprised me.

Over 50% of my results came from some form of genuine socializing.

As much as I’d thought my results came from nightclubs and bars, the reality was all the experience I was getting approaching there was paying off much more as I expanded my social circle.

In other words, I’d just become increasingly more confident and capable of capitalizing on the opportunities that were right in front of my eyes.

This has been the case for almost every guy I’ve worked with. The more he’s socialized with his friends, and the more he’s gone to social events and activities, the better his results have been.

Why?

Firstly, it’s because he’s opening himself up to far more opportunities. Not only will he meet more women the more he expands and diversifies his friendship group, but those women will also be far more receptive to him speaking to them.

Second, the more he socializes the easier he finds it to talk to women and ask them out. No techniques or lines needed, just basic, authentic confidence born out of experience.

Remember how I said introversion and anxiety could change?

Utilizing Social Media Connections

My model of an ideal dating life is one that is as fulfilling as possible, whilst also involving the least effort.

It sounds lazy (excuse my Dorito dust) but it’s also helped me cut out all the unnecessary stuff I used to convince myself was all important. Like going out 4-5 times per week. That’s fucking exhausting and would probably give me the flu if I did it now.

By far the most efficient and laziest thing you can do in dating is leverage social media. Which is a technical way of saying: get a good profile, message women you know/have mutual friends with.

If you’ve sorted out the basics of being attractive (by that I mean you have a life you enjoy, you groom yourself well, and you don’t dress like you’ve slept in your uncle’s clothes) then all you need is some good photos.

By good photos, I mean well framed, interesting/funny, and sell your looks and your lifestyle.

Yeah, I know, this probably sounds like a drag, but it’s an investment that once completed, continuously pays off for very little work. Hell, you don’t even need to constantly update it. You just need 5 solid photos.

Then all you’ve got to do is reach out.

Whether it’s on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram – if you’ve sorted out the basics of being attractive, it’s likely they’ll be receptive. You can do this with old colleagues, girls you met at school, whatever. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t spoken to them in ages. Just send the message.

In the past I’ve usually gone for:

“Hey stranger, you just popped up on my feed. How are you? x”

99% of the time they respond. We chat for a bit, then I ask them out. It’s not always a yes (I’m not Bradley Cooper), but it’s a yes far more often than it would be through any other venue.

This is something I usually do when I’m bored at an airport, on a train, or hungover. Like I said, minimal effort.

And far easier than approaching some randomer on the street.

The 6 Best Places To Meet Women

How to Meet Women As An introverted Man

In my experience as a dating coach, there are two rules you want to follow before you pursue any avenue of meeting women, especially when it comes to introvert dating.

GOLDEN RULE ONE: Be Open To Trying New Things

Not being open to new things is the easiest way to kill your fledgling dating life before it’s even found its legs. It’s also the easiest mistake for introverted guys to make.

I get it, you have things you like to do, and you want to stick to those things. They’re comfy and predictable and safe and habitual. Habits can be a bitch to change. But building a better dating life is all about putting yourself in new situations.

This is one of the most important pieces of dating advice for introverted men. You have to do new things and put yourself out there or you won’t get the results you want.

You can take steps to accommodate your introverted nature, and this article is going to help you do that, but you also have to take steps it’s not going to be inclined to take. This doesn’t mean you have to be extroverted. Far from it. You can succeed with women and still be introverted, just as you can be an introverted “alpha male” in social situations.

It all has to do with how you manage your introversion. That’s really what dating for introverted guys all comes down to: are they managing their introversion and are they putting themselves out there enough?

So if you do nothing else, make sure it’s trying new things.

GOLDEN RULE TWO: Make Sure You Actually Enjoy It

Here’s a little caveat. Although you have to try new things in order to meet women, you also have to make sure the things you’re trying ARE ACTUALLY THINGS YOU WANT TO DO.

Because if they aren’t, and you’re only there to meet women, then what you’re doing is prioritizing women over yourself, which is fundamentally unattractive and needy, and leads to creepy behavior.

Meeting women should always be a by-product of you living the kind of life you want to be living. This is why it’s so important to be open to trying new things; although you’re sticking to things you want to do, you’re motivating yourself to expand the things that you DO, which as a result exposes you to more dating opportunities.

Approaching your dating life from this perspective actively puts you in a position where you’ve prioritized yourself. This MASSIVELY helps with mitigating your neediness and aligns your behavior with your intentions.

It’s also, and I can’t stress this enough, fundamentally attractive.

Think about it, if you went to a yoga class solely to meet women – how much pressure would you be putting yourself under before you even arrived? Whereas if you went to a Yoga class because hell, you fancied throwing yourself into a downward dog then busting out some sun salutations – approaching the hot babe in the yoga pants would be a lot more organic.

——

With those two rules in mind, let’s dive in.

1) Dance Classes

Difficulty: 6/10

Dance classes are one of the single best things you can do for your dating life. Not only is learning how to dance an invaluable (and enjoyable) skill, but it’ll actively have you doing salsa, rumba, swing, ballroom, ballet, hip-hop, or break dancing with women.

This will get you out of your shell far more than anything else. And at the same time build your confidence in interacting with women, especially physically.

It’s also a lot easier to learn how to approach in these venues. Why? The women are literally there for you to dance with them. They’re waiting for you to walk up to them.

Go and do it.

If you’ve been dancing with a woman for the last half hour or so, it’s not a big leap to then ask her out.

The only difficult thing about this is that it can seem daunting at first. Going to a venue filled with women where you have no idea how to dance can seem like jumping in at the deep end. However, the more you go, the more this will cease to be a problem, and the more you’ll reap the advantages.

My recommendation: Unless you have zero interest in learning how to dance, this would be the one I’d prioritize the most. If you want to make it even easier on yourself, get some private 1 on 1 lessons first. This will make the dancing element much easier. You’d also be surprised by how many of the instructors are single.

Find the form of dancing that YOU want to do. The easiest way to do this? Watch movies like The Mask of Zorro that have great dance scenes. Find out what the style of dance is and learn it.

However, if in doubt, learn Salsa.

2) Yoga Classes

Difficulty: 3/10

How does this sound: Little to no competition from other men. Filled with mostly introverted women. All of them relaxed, friendly, and talkative.

Oh yeah, and it’s good for your health.

Yoga is the easiest recommendation I have. You show up somewhere, relax, stretch your body, and there is a ton of cool women.

If you’re anything like me, and you spend most of your time hunched over a desk, ruining your posture and suffering from over-tight muscles, then yoga is a great way to start fixing that.

You’ll see incredible benefits from going, and odds are you’ll be surrounded by women and be the only guy there. Well, except for Fabricio, the spiritual, yet handsy instructor.

My recommendation: Unlike dancing, yoga has little to no inherent sexuality to it. Well, aside from the yoga pants. You want to speak to women before and after the session. If you get on, get their contact details and take it from there.

3) Self-Defense Classes

Difficulty: 5/10

I actually stumbled on this one through a friend of mine. It only really applies to big cities, but it can be a great option.

Accessible self-defense classes are a great place to not just meet women, but also expand your male social circle. Not many guys would guess it, but many women, especially in big cities are actively interested in learning self-defense – for both the exercise and the increased feeling of safety it gives them.

Whilst I’d personally recommend you take up boxing or MMA if you really want to learn how to fight, if you have a casual interest in self-defense and want to learn the basics, then these classes can be a great, all-around approach to improving your dating and social life.

You essentially spend an hour play fighting with each other. Who doesn’t become friends after that?

My recommendation: My go-to hobbies when traveling are dancing and self-defense. Combined they create a great social life and keep me in shape. At the end of any self-defense class, ask the people you’ve got on with if they want to grab a drink. Simple as that.

Also, just as a tip, women are far more likely to attend the self-defense classes that aren’t branded as “hardcore”. Those classes are also pretty lame – again, hit up boxing or MMA if you want actual fighting experience.

4) Social Sports / Clubs / Hobbies

Difficulty: 4/10

Women love team sports as much as men. They also like classes a hell of a lot more than men.

If there’s a sport you want to play or something you want to learn – attending active social events based around these are a great way to easily meet women.

Cooking classes, ultimate frisbee, touch rugby, book clubs, classic film clubs – there are active social events for everything. You can even connect this with your career/business/ economic interests. There are events for entrepreneurship, investing, bitcoin, and dozens of other places.

Again, just remember the two golden rules.

Make sure it’s something you enjoy, and be open to trying it out. If it’s a team sport, get chatting to the women on your team, and spark up a friendly rivalry with one on the opposing side. If it’s a class or club, just start talking about your mutual interest.

My recommendation: In my experience, the rule here is to make sure you’re enjoying yourself. The more this is connected to your genuine interests, the better your results will be. It’s also worth bearing in mind that not all events are made equal when it comes to meeting women. For example, cooking classes will have far more women than touch rugby. You also want to find out what kind of demographics attend your hobby before you show up. You don’t want to end up surrounded by pensioners after all.

(Or maybe… you do.)

Another way you can do this is through volunteering. It’s similar to attending a social event based around a hobby, but the difference is that the emotional motivation that’s motivated you to volunteer is much stronger.

Because let’s face it, volunteering can be hard (even though it’s rewarding) and most people can’t be bothered. If you can be bothered, then the women you meet there will be much more likely to be compatible with you. And you’ll also probably admire each other right off the bat.

Doesn’t sound so bad.

5) Parties

Difficulty: 1/10 to 10/10

Parties are the easiest way to meet women in the world. There is nothing that comes close. That said, your ability to meet women there and either hook-up with them or date them will come down to how well you can manage your introversion and anxiety.

For starters, your introversion is going to make you burn out faster at a big party, so you probably want to focus on the more personal, one on one conversations you can have there (i.e. In the garden) than in the loud, beer pong, speakers on max, wet t-shirt competition area.

You’re also, most likely, going to find socializing provokes your anxiety. You need to take the party as a place to exercise your anxiety and push its boundaries. Remember that everyone at a party is slightly anxious and nervous and that you’re all there to meet other people you don’t know and have a good time with them.

If you can manage both of those, you will make parties incredibly easy places to meet women.

My recommendation: Parties are similar to nightclubs in that fun is the metric of success. The more fun you have, the more people will want to be around you. So focus first and foremost on having a good time, and be open to speaking to everyone, not just women.

If you meet one you like, ask her what she’s doing later, or, if it’s that kind of party go somewhere private and go for the kiss. Otherwise, grab her number and call her the next day.

6) Coffee Shops and Bookstores

Difficulty: 8/10

The last place on my list without a doubt coffee shops and bookstores. Whilst they’re going to require you to overcome some anxiety around sparking up a conversation with strangers, they’re also incredibly chilled, introvert-friendly places. Never too loud, and if you pick the right one, never too busy.

Take your laptop and get some work done on the free wifi, or chill out and read a book. If you’re lucky, you’ll have an attractive woman sitting next to you, but usually, you’re going to have to get up and approach.

These places are never shy of attractive, interesting women and you’d be amazed how little they get approached outside of catcalling. Which isn’t a strategy I’d recommend, least of all in a bookstore.

(If you don’t know how to approach then check out my free e-book here).

The venue itself is going to do a lot of the legwork when it comes to filtering for the kind of introverted women you’d get on with. People with introverted temperaments gravitate towards venues like coffee shops and book stores and have an active interest in the things associated with them. I.e. coffee and books. But you’ll often find them working away at something in private, so between the three, there’s plenty of things to kick a conversation up about.

You just have to make the first move.

My recommendation: This is on the harder end of the scale, as it’s going to require you to speak to a stranger in public. I’d make sure you’ve ticked off the other places in his guide first and got some experience putting yourself outside of your comfort zone as it’ll make this one a lot easier.

What You Have To Do:

In each of these different avenues of meeting women, there is ONE thing you have to do in order to make them dating opportunities.

You have to ask her out.

That’s it. That’s all you need to know about how to pick up women as an introvert. You don’t need to say or do anything or do anything special, just talk to her the same way you would anyone else.

You can go to as many of these venues as possible, as often as possible, and have all manner of incredible and exciting connections with the women there – but if you don’t ask them out, you’ll just be making new BFF’s.

Which probably isn’t your intention.

My advice is to get this out of the way early. If you speak to a woman and like her, then ask her out. You can either do it face to face, and get her contact details and drop her a text later.

Whatever works for you. Just make sure you do it.

Some will be interested and some won’t, but that’s the way dating works. You can’t win them all, so you ask enough out until you do.

More Tips, Techniques, and Resources

If you find that difficult or don’t feel like you’re ready to do that, then I have two free e-books that cover how to go about dating and how to handle your anxiety that will give you an intellectual understanding of what to do, coupled with some handy exercises to help you make real change.

However, if you’re wanting to get a handle on your dating life now, and build a solid foundation of attractiveness and sexual confidence, as well as clear direction in how to find the right women for you, and how to develop confidence dating them – then I have the Complete Dating Course designed to do exactly that, and get you out there making the changes that you need to make in order to get the best results of for you.

Or, you could skip the queue, and have some 1 on 1 coaching with yours truly.

 


 

Photo by Relevante design on Unsplash

Photo by Amy Humphries on Unsplash

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

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Filed Under: Dating Advice For Men Tagged With: Attraction, Dating, Women

What Makes A Man Chronically Unattractive?

by Visko Matich · Jun 28, 2018

what makes a man unattractive

IT DOESN’T MATTER if you’retall, good looking and successful. You can still be chronically unattractive to the opposite sex.

The reason for this doesn’t lie in anything that’s missing from your life. You don’t need more money, better looks, or more status. In fact, the reason has nothing to do with what makes someone conventionally attractive at all.

The reason lies in simple choices that you’re making every single day.

WHAT ATTRACTIVENESS IS NOT

There’s this show in the UK called Love Island. It’s unbridled reality TV trash, but like anyone born after 1990, I watch it without a hint of irony.

The premise of the show this:

A bunch of hot single people living in one villa. They either couple up and make it work, or they get voted off. The final couple wins £50,000.

Simple, right?

As you can imagine, this makes the singles couple up pretty fast. And naturally, the more time they spend time together, the more they develop feelings for one another. And because the producers of the show are crafty (and require drama) they frequently put obstacles in the way of each developing relationship. Which, in turn, strengthens or breaks the bond between the respective couples.

With me so far?

Good.

Because it’s within this show, that despite being good looking, tall, educated, successful, and surrounded by single women, one man just can’t catch a break.

He’s called, or at least, I will call him, Dr. Alex. And no matter what he does, no girl seems to be interested in him.

Doesn’t seem so bad?

It’s a strange situation. Everyone in the villa loves him, and the public has been extremely fond of him ever since he first appeared. He’s polite, even-tempered, he helps people out, and, if Twitter and the Media are to be believed, he’d make a great boyfriend.

Yet despite this, no girl on the show is interested him. He’s always a friend. Nothing more. Even when it seems like he might have something… Nope, straight back to where he started.

Why? If he’s so great, why can’t he keep a girl’s interest?

The answer lies in how being unattractive works.

HOW BEING UNATTRACTIVE WORKS

Watching the show, I couldn’t help but be fascinated by this guy’s unfortunate story.

We’re so often told that attractiveness is a set of traits (usually height, looks, and success), yet here was a guy who ticked all of the boxes but was still wiping out relentlessly. As far as conventional wisdom was concerned, it didn’t make any sense.

Girl’s should have been finding him attractive. But for some reason, they weren’t.

Well, there’s a simple reason for that.

When it comes to attraction, conventional wisdom is full of shit.

No matter how attractive you may inherently be, being unattractive is always just a few bad decisions away. Decisions about how you act, how you think, and most of all, how you see.

And far from just applying to Doctors on reality TV shows, these are decisions that apply to all of us.

REPRESSING YOURSELF IS UNATTRACTIVE

A key hallmark of someone who is unattractive is repression. There is a divide between what they truly want, and what they actually do. When it comes to Dr. Alex from Love Island, this is his most obvious flaw. He’s constantly repressing what he actually wants and feels until its too late.

And if we’re honest, this is something we’re all guilty of.

In our lives, repression usually manifests itself in three ways:

You repress your sexuality

When you want to talk to a girl. You don’t do it. When you want to kiss a girl, you don’t do it. When you want to do anything even vaguely connected to your sexuality, you don’t do it.

It frightens you. It feels wrong. So you don’t do it.

The result of this is that people stop feeling anything for you sexually because sexuality thrives on mutual reciprocity and expression of desire.

You repress your spontaneity

Because there is such a clear divide between what is, essentially, your consciousness (a.k.a you), and your actions, your habitual repression leaves you with an inability to be spontaneous.

You’re constantly filtering through your emotions and thoughts deciding what is and is not appropriate, instead of running with what you feel and what is true for you.

The result of this is that you aren’t fun, and you are rarely ever funny. You’re simply nice, or pleasant – because everything you do is artificially appropriate.

You repress your opinion

When you have something you truly want to say or something you truly feel, you don’t express it. You either couch it in softer phrases, drain all the genuine feeling from it, or you don’t say it all. The reason for this is that you don’t accept that it’s normal to voice your opinions and feelings and that you do not need permission to do so.

Incidentally, to yourself, it might seem like you’re calm and collected when you talk this way, but to everyone else you just come off as cold and robotic.

The result is that people struggle to connect with you on an emotional and sexual level. In other words, regardless of how attractive you are – you’ve now made yourself unattractive through people’s lack of excitement and comfort they feel with you.

You don’t give it to them so why would they give it to you? Sexual interest isn’t charity.

The reason you do this is that you’re avoiding being vulnerable. Expression requires vulnerability – it inherently invites rejection and the potential of you being found to be unlikeable. This is why I always say the easiest way to develop charisma is to stop trying to be likable.

A lot of people praised Dr. Alex when he finally told a girl that he liked her, but this was wrong. There was no real desire, all he had was words. He may as well have been reading from a script.

YOURNARRATIVE IS UNATTRACTIVE

Underlying repression is always a narrative that justifies it.

The narrative is usually something like this:

I deserve to be treated the way I treat others.

But in reality, this narrative is felt to be like this:

I ought to be treated the way I want to be treated.

In other words, the world is there to serve you. This is narcissism, even if externally it comes off as shyness.

Dr. Alex, like most people who seem to operate from patterns of repression, is on the outside quite nice and pleasant, but when you really look into his behavior, he’s engaging in something that’s referred to as silent agreements.

When you use silent agreements you act in a nice and pleasant way because you believe that doing so means the other person ‘ought’ to do something in return for you, even if the other person hasn’t been made aware of this. They’ve unknowingly been put into a contract that they have no idea exists.

And of course, when you act this way, and the person doesn’t do what you think they ‘ought’ to do, you blame them.

Because you ‘ought’ to be treated a certain way, it’s never your fault when you aren’t.

And how could it be? You were entitled to something, and you didn’t get it, despite doing everything that you considered was right to earn it.

Tell me if this doesn’t strike you as that?

On a conscious level, silent agreements and blame are how you operate. But on an unconscious level, you’re telling yourself a different story.

The reason you engage in silent agreements and blame is that you’ve consistently told yourself that it’s not okay to express what you want. Whether it’s bad, shameful, or not appropriate – whatever the reason is, the message is clear.

You’re not allowed to be open, transparent and honest about what you want. It’s not okay, because you’re not okay.

At least, in your own mind.

This is most obvious when you actually, for once, try to express yourself. The language of expression is, as Mikhail Bakhtin says, alien to you. It’s awkward, unnatural, and you probably try to dilute it with irony or a laugh – despite sincerely thinking and feeling what you’re trying to say.

YOURPERSPECTIVE IS UNATTRACTIVE

Underlying a narrative is always a habit of perceiving things not as they are, but how we’d like them to be.

When we feel ourselves to be a certain way, and the world to be a certain way, we begin to look for things in the world that correspond to our feelings. We do this unconsciously.

And so good are we at doing this, that the more we see things that justify our feelings, the more we unconsciously train ourselves to keep doing this.

When we, like Dr. Alex, feel that we are blameless and that we aren’t given something we deserve, we look for, and start to notice details about people that suggest they’re treating us unfairly or victimizing us.*

We look for details that support and ramify the feelings that we’re already indulging in, but in doing so, we don’t just teach ourselves to perceive things (in this instance, people) negatively, we also teach ourselves to avoid seeing things positively.

We don’t see the “selfish person’s” kindness, we don’t see the members of the opposite gender who aren’t sexist, and in the instance of Dr. Alex, we don’t see all the clear signs that we are driving people away from ourselves and that what these people are feeling is normal and understandable.

Our perspective and our narcissism slowly erode our ability to empathize with others and accurately self-reflect.

How we choose to see is one of the most important decisions we make.

BEING UNATTRACTIVENE IS AN EVERY DAY CHOICE

The most important thing about the details above is the one thread that ties them all together.

They’re all your fault.

Nobody else’s. Not the world’s. Not society’s.

Your’s.

Dr. Alex always had a choice to take responsibility for his own actions and results but instead chose to engage in blame and avoidance.

But if he simply took responsibility for that element of this life, everything would begin to fall into place, and he could capitalize on the abundant natural advantages he already has.

Each of the unattractive flaws results from a fundamental choice that’s being made. A choice that you, I and everyone else constantly makes.

What we choose to stop ourselves from doing, what we choose to listen to, and what we choose to see.

An irony of this is that people who make unattractive choices often say “if only they saw me for who I really am.”

But the truth is, they see you exactly as you are in that moment – insecure, afraid, and narcissistic. All as a result of the poor choices that you’ve made and continue to make.

But like any choice, it exists moment to moment. And just as you’ve made one choice at this moment, so too can you make another in the next one.

This time, let it be the one that says “you’re okay.”

Because as soon as you do, you’d be right.

…..

*This applies to countless other situations, for example:

When we’ve felt, for whatever reason that our partner isn’t that great, we look for and start to notice details about them, either physically or in their behavior that makes them seem undesirable.

When we feel that women are whores or men are pigs, we look for, and start to notice details about their behavior that exemplifies their ‘innate’ immoral character, that is universal to all of them.*

**People will seek others out to share in the views. An easy example of this is someone bitching about their partner to a friend. A broader example would be people who join isolated communities on the internet that reflect their negative worldview. I.e Incels, The Red Pill, or huge chunks of Tumblr.

Photo by Pierrick VAN-TROOST on Unsplash

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

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It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

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Filed Under: Best Articles, Dating Advice For Men, Uncategorised Tagged With: Attraction, Attractive, Dating, Relationships

This Is The Most Attractive Thing You Can Ever Do

by Visko Matich · Oct 9, 2017

PATRICE O’NEAL was an exceptionally gifted comedian. Referring to his standup as performances, he would prefer to improvise what he knew he wanted to talk about, adjusting it based on his own mood and the mood of the audience. As a result, his structure was haphazard and unpredictable, but the authenticity of it built a relationship between himself and the audience; a relationship where they were often at his mercy.

Jerry Seinfeld once said he never looks at the audience, instead preferring to focus on the noises, the rhythm, and sticking to the material he had in this head. Patrice was the opposite; during his standup, he didn’t just look at the audience, he involved them, he held them hostage to the uncomfortable conversations he wanted to have.

It would be easy to look at Patrice and say that his talent lay in his ability to improvise where other comedians would need planned routines; that he was just that funny. But this would miss what gave Patrice his real talent:

His unflinching honesty when it came to what he believed was the truth.

No matter who he was speaking to; man, woman, black, white – he said what he thought, and he said it unashamedly; often calling people out on their hypocrisies and exposing people to parts of themselves they weren’t aware of.

I remember when, in one of his radio appearances, a female writer called in to promote her book on how to train men to be better husbands – a book she based around applying the same techniques used in animal training. Barely seconds on the air, Patrice launched into her, saying:

“Urrrgh – that’s hilarious. Again, automatically I’m gonna tell you what the flaw is in your thinking: you don’t want to be the – the controller. That’s the thing. Women don’t want to win, you want a winner. You don’t want to rule the nest – that’s why you’ve never met a happy woman boss. You don’t wanna be there. You’re angry about being a boss. You want a boss. You want your man to be the leader. This is why it’s already flawed on a prehistoric level. Why – you don’t wanna run your husband. Do you know why running your husband is not sexy? Cause you don’t wanna be there doing it. That’s why it never works for a woman to run things – cause you don’t wanna – you look at your husband like URRRGHH – look at this bum letting me run his life. Phooey. You have a – you just have a loser for man.”

She left the call a few minutes later.

Now, I’m not here to debate the merits of Patrice’s argument (if you really want to know, I agree with him*), I’m just here to explore what it was he was doing. Which, in essence, was staying true to himself no matter what. No matter how uncomfortable, how confrontational, how alienating it was; Patrice stayed true to himself.

Whatever the subject matter. If he had a view, he said it.

In my article on Charisma, I wrote that being okay with potentially being perceived as unlikeable, and actually leaning towards that, was a hallmark of charisma. Instead of trying to please anyone, just shamelessly being yourself and expressing who you are with a take it or leave it attitude was essential.

Nowhere is this truer than in dating.

WHY MEN LIE TO WOMEN

If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, I think I need to reinforce to you the fact that men rarely tell the truth. We want to do it. But we don’t.

Instead, what we do is filter.

A common trait in people struggling with social anxiety is that they will be very conscious of what they say. They will be extremely picky about when they enter a conversation, how they enter a conversation, and acutely sensitive to how what they say will be received. Now, I don’t just mean received after they’ve said it, no, I mean how it will be received before it’s even been said.

They’re like the bad Politician version of themselves. What they say is essentially the pre-packaged, planned, and politically correct version of whatever they actually think – if you’re lucky that is. Usually, it’s just what you want to hear, regardless of what they think.

The reason for this is simple. They want you to like them.

Now you’re probably wondering “yeah that’s great, but what the hell does that have to do with men and women?”

Well with men, they almost always talk to women like they have social anxiety.

In fact, a man who talks freely around women is so rare, it may as well be a myth.

And the logic behind this makes perfect sense. When someone with social anxiety is altering their conversation, it’s to get someone to like them so they aren’t a threat and won’t socially hurt them. When a guy talking to a woman is altering his speech its also because he wants her to like him.

Can you guess why?

What is it that he could possibly want?

Whether you like it or not, a fundamental part of the male-female dynamic is that men want what women have, but women are the gatekeepers for what men want.

Part of the male psyche is always dedicated to winning what we want. Like one of those birds who builds a nest and does a dance, or a silverback who drums his chest the loudest, on some level, our actions are guided by the desire to charm or impress the gatekeeper into giving us what we want.

The problem with this, however, is that it sucks.

When you allow what you want from a woman to dictate all of your behavior, you’re allowing yourself to be driven by your neediness, your shallow baser needs, or your manipulative nature; but worse than this, you’re trading your self-respect for sex. Or in the case of relationships, love too.

Yes. Sex has become more important to you than who you are.

And on any level, relationship or single, placing sex (or love) as more important to you than who you are isn’t just a lack of self-respect, it’s an act of stupidity.*

THE MODERN PLAYER IN SEARCH OF A SOUL

The more you lie to a woman in order to get what you want, the more you aren’t just disrespecting yourself, but through that disrespect, you are making yourself far less likely to get what you want.

And the reason for this is blindingly simple.

You’re unattractive.

And I don’t mean – big nose, bad teeth, small dick unattractive.

No, I mean your soul is unattractive. Who you are is just ugly.

In my article on the Fundamental Characteristics of the Attractive Man, I stated that the only trait that mattered was that a man developed himself, for himself. Not for her. That he built his life around who he is, what he wants, and who he wants to be. He accomplished his potential, he found his enjoyment and he went after goal, after goal, after goal, because that’s exactly what he wanted to do.

But this principle of developing yourself for yourself extends even further, in a way that is so essential it baffles me that I didn’t really expand on it. Here’s what I forgot to emphasize:

When you lie to a woman, you are using your own voice, your own words, your own expression of your identity, not for yourself, but for her.

On a fundamental level, this is the most unattractive thing you can do. It doesn’t matter how much you live for yourself, develop for yourself, and have fun for yourself; if your basic expression of your own identity, in words, is not for you, but for her, then you’re toast. You’re kablooey. Like some kid who acts tough only to come across someone truly aggressive; your attractiveness was an illusion that she will very quickly see through.

Your words are the expression of who you are. Before you do anything else with your life, the words you choose to communicate with, the words you choose to say, and the words you choose to stand by are the clearest representation of who you are, and what you firmly believe. Your words are your soul.

And it’s either attractive or unattractive.

It’s either for you or for her.

KILL THE POLITICIAN

Before you do anything else you have to fix how you speak. You have to start aligning your words with what you actually think and feel.

Not what I think, not what the news thinks, not what your friend thinks, not what will avoid confrontation, not what will get you laid and not what will make you friends, get you a promotion or make your parents love you; you have the say what you think and feel.

You have to find the Politician within your soul, put a .44 Magnum to his head, and blow his brains right across your frontal cortex until there’s nothing but your unfiltered voice blasting out like a guitar solo.

In words of the late, great Bill Hicks “play from your fucking heart”.

And you have to do this every time you speak.

Now, this might sound complicated, but it’s the method is actually very simple.

  1. You get in touch with who you are.
  2. You have to take the risk and just say it.

But as step one requires being traumatized, falling in love, breaking up, reading, questioning your values and all the gold of living that you naturally will have experienced to some degree already, I’m just going to say this:

The easiest way to start understanding who you already are and what you think and feel and believe is to start writing all of it down and exploring it. Get to know yourself by confronting yourself, and supplement that with the writing of people who have also done this; Freud, Tolstoy, Rousseau, Eliot, Levi, Frankl, Emerson, Dostoyevsky, Thoreau, Twain, Nietzsche, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Schopenhauer, Jung, and pretty much anyone whose writing has stood the test of time.

Because that’s what good writing is; identity – distilled and perfected. The more you do this, the more you will figure out the essentials of who you are. The only tonic that works better is trauma, and that’ll show up when it shows up. Just strap in and enjoy the ride.

Now let’s move on to 2) You have to take the risk and just say it.

I know countless people that practice meditation who are completely out of touch with their identity and words. They have almost nothing to say, and if you ask them any penetrating questions about themselves, they sit there with this airy look about them, eyes glazed over like a caught fish – what do they sit there doing? Have they attempted to think about nothing for so long that they’ve emptied their brain of all their merit as well?

God knows.

The reason I find this ironic is that the single greatest way to murder your Politician is to develop presence. When you develop presence (read: the awareness of what is happening right now and what you are doing right now) you develop the ability to spot your own bullshit, and when you’re faking your own identity – i.e saying stuff to appease your boss, women, make friends – instead of saying what you actually think.

The more you learn to spot when you’re not saying what you think, the more you can start pulling the trigger and start saying what you actually think.

This is best represented by looking at the conventional patterns of behavior, and how they fit into your life and automatic behavioral patterns.

Friendliness, being nice, being agreeable, being a gentleman, being confrontational, expressing displeasure, expressing annoyance, silence, hatred, anger, sadness, laughing at misfortune, taking pity on someone’s misfortune; all of these are examples of typical patterns of your own behavior.

But here’s how it needs to work:

Don’t be friendly unless you want to. Sometimes, you’re gonna feel like annoyed, irritated, you’ll want to be alone. The same goes for being nice. You don’t have to be nice if you don’t feel nice; if someone’s fucked you off, tell them.

Don’t be agreeable unless you genuinely agree or get on with the person. This one is essential. If you don’t enjoy their company, if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, if you think they’re wrong, say it and voice your opinion. Yes this will be confrontational, yes this might mean you’re in the wrong sometimes, but yes this the absolute right thing to do. Back your own opinion.

Don’t be a gentleman unless you want to. Big shock but not every woman deserves to have the door held open for her. Hell, some deserve to have it slammed shut on their way out. 

Be confrontational. If your opinion, beliefs, and values come into conflict with someone else’s and you don’t say or do something – why the fuck are you even alive? Why are you the spectator of your own life?

The same goes with displeasure, annoyance, silence, anger, hatred, black humor, empathy – if they are real within you, then you need to start expressing them. Don’t hold them back.

In other words: Never lie. Never pretend.

Because the more you learn to align your voice and actions with your soul, the stronger it becomes.

This is the pumping iron of spiritual strength. And when you’ve backed who you are long enough, and developed an identity, a will, and a soul that is robust and honest – then you’ve developed a strength that nobody can fake, and nobody can take away.

This is taking responsibility for your own inner strength and worth – your own personal power.

And in seizing your personal power, you’ve made the most attractive decision you can ever make.

 

*I’ve met many individuals who claim they’d be happy with this. But I’ve never met a woman who actually was.

*This is far from something I just see in single guys. No, I see this in guys in relationships even more. Because those guys aren’t just worrying about sex, they’re worrying about love as well. If neither of those needs is in a healthy place within you, then you’re sending the Politician to talk to your partner so much that you start to morph into the Politician. 

I can’t think of a single guy I know who isn’t like this with their partner.

 

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

 

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WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

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Filed Under: Archives, Best Articles, Dating Advice For Men, Life Advice & Personal Development, Uncategorised Tagged With: Anxiety, Approaching, Attraction, Charisma, Charm, Comfort zone, Conversation, Courage, Dating, Emotions, Fear, Finding Our Passion, Game, Goals, Honesty, Identity, Life, Life Direction, Life Experience, Life Purpose, Neediness, Passion, Personal Development, Psychology, Self Help, Self Improvement, Sex, Talking, Women

3 Unexpected Life Lessons From The Greatest Warrior of All Time

by Visko Matich · Sep 17, 2017

KOJIRŌ SASAKI stood on the beach waiting for his opponent. He looked out along the shore, and across the rolling waves, but there was no sign. He had waited for hours; they had all waited for hours.

The year was 1612 and the location was Ganryu island, located off the coast of the Bizen Province in Japan. Sasaki was a masterful swordsman, who eschewed the traditional katana in favor of a ‘No-Dachi’; a long and heavy two-handed sword considered by most to be too cumbersome to be effective. But despite its length and weight, Sasaki wielded the sword with incredible speed, accuracy, and grace; basing his strikes off of a swallows tail in flight.

He had fought many duals before, and he had never lost. That’s why they called him ‘The Demon of the Western Provinces.’

His opponent was a man named Musashi Miyamoto. A vagabond and Ronin, Musashi was known for his heavy drinking, his unkempt appearance, and his flagrant disregard for the conventions of the Samurai. Despite this, he, like Sasaki, was rumored to have fought many duels and never have lost.

For each man, the other was to be his greatest opponent. Yet Musashi was nowhere to be seen.

Stood on the beach, surrounded by officials and the noise of the ocean, Sasaki began to wonder. At the very least this was a sign of disrespect, at the worst it was a sign of cowardice and his opponent had fled.

As if to confirm his suspicion, the officials around him began to whisper to one another. “Perhaps he has fled.” “Yes, he has run away in fear!” They said.

Sasaki wondered. Perhaps he had fled.

———

A few miles south of the beach, in a small inlet, a fisherman sat in his dingy. The sun was hot but wasn’t a bother. He had been paid handsomely by his passenger; a strange, disheveled looking man who sat hunched over at the end of the boat. The man, who as was usual for him, was hungover, wiped the sweat from his brow stared up at the sun, then grinned at the fisherman. Almost in contrast to his unconventional appearance, he looked happy.

Reaching down into the belly of the dingy, the man picked up a spare oar, and drawing a knife from his belt began to carve strips of wood from it. After some time and many blade-strokes, the belly of the dingy had been filled with shavings and the oar was long and curved in a smooth angle like a katana. The man smiled at his work.

“Let’s go.” He said.

Musashi Miyamoto had woken up drunk that day, and spent most of his journey to the island passed out; but his strange appearance and lateness were not accidents or flaws of character, but rather his strategy itself. Having won his first duel at the age of 13, Musashi was no stranger to combat and was something of an expert at killing samurai. Over the course of his life, he had fought in wars, killed entire dojos, and traveled far, killing famous, notable warriors; all whilst being a masterless Ronin himself.

Killing samurai wasn’t just what he did, it was what he was. Not only did he know their techniques, but he also understood their code and culture. He knew how to get under their skin.

———

It was some hours into the afternoon when Sasaki spotted the boat on the horizon. Stepping forward and shading his eyes from the sun one of his officials shrieked “It’s him! It’s Miyamoto”, which sent all the officials running back and forth, flocking to and fro from Sasaki, unsure of what to do.

Grabbing the nearest man, Sasaki looked into his stunned eyes and said “My sword.” The man stared, mouth agape then fled up the shore to a small hut, shouted at a peasant woman, then hurried back carrying a large, sheathed weapon. Sasaki took it from him and securing the sheath and hilt in each palm strode down the beach towards the shoreline.

The boat was parked just offshore, in the shallow water. A small fisherman sat in the back, fixing a wide-brimmed straw hat to his head, and in the front, a ragged looking man cut the final touches on a large wooden carving, then sprang from the boat into the knee-high water.

The man waded to the shore, drenched from the knee down, and once free of the water stopped a few up the beach to brush the sand from his feet. Saski walked forward and took in his appearance. His clothes looked like they’d be worn for days. His face was pockmarked and unshaven. But it was his gaze that affronted Sasaki most. Behind his serious composure, the man’s eyes seemed to say “Oh, so this is Sasaki – Well, what of it?”

Sasaki’s face was a carved stone, and his eyes did not blink. The two men stared at each other for some time, until an official ran between the two, followed the flock. “Miyamoto,” he said, and Mushashi nodded. The officials all stared, and their heads turned between the two, back and forth, waiting for some kind of movement. Some were stunned, some were scared, and all of them standing on edge.

Striding forward, Sasaki gripped the hilt of his sword, adopted his footing (never too wide, never too short, with his feet loose and agile), and drawing the katana from its sheath, tossed the scabbard onto the sand.

Musashi looked at the sheath, then him, and with a new wildness in his eyes said: “if you have no use for your sheath, you are already dead.”

But Sasaki heard nothing. His hands did not tremble, his body did not move. His pulse was steady, his breathing was rhythmic. This, he had practiced. He was Sasaki Kojiro and he had never lost a duel. He knew this from experience, from what others told him, and from what he told himself in comfort, whenever he felt pangs of doubt or moral discomfort. He was Sasaki Kojiro, victory was as certain as it ever was, as it always was, not simply for the work and achievement he had so far accrued, but because of the being that he knew he was in relation to other men. The knowledge of his superiority to other men and his habitual expectation of their deference was why, despite his outward and internal physical calm, his mind blazed with fury. He was Sasaki Kojiro, and here was his opponent; a filthy, unkempt man who kept him waiting and arrived carrying a piece of wood. To any Samurai this would be a mark of dishonor, but to Sasaki, this was a disgrace.

Musashi stepped forward and their eyes met. He raised his weapon, an enormously long carved wooden oar, as long, if not longer than Sasaki’s own No-Dachi. His internal state was hidden, Sasaki detected that much, but his stance was fine, comfortable and confident; all the details of his body, his expression and the position of his sword spoke clearly; disgrace or no, Sasaki knew, as any master of a profession knows, that he was in the company of a man equal in his craft. Sasaki stepped forward, Musashi back; it seemed he too, had come to the same conclusion.

The officials gasped and sprang back. Many who were friends of Sasaki said nothing and simply stood horror-struck, tearing at their beards. A few seagulls had flown down to the shallow water, bobbing like boats, to watch the proceedings. All were silent, save for a young boy who at a slight movement from Sasaki burst into tears and fled towards the trees.

Sasaki felt calm now. His body was relaxed, but his grip was firm. His eyes, locked on Musashi, felt like dew drops. There was little sensation in him except for his breathing; but behind it, there was a disgust that was held for Musashi. He cared little for him and wanted to disgrace him by killing him on the beach.

A wave crashed and Sasaki struck a swift blow, Musashi moved and lashed out with his oar. “Ah ha!” Sasaki thought to himself, “that was the fatal strike!” Sasaki moved forward towards the sand. “He is defeated!” But there was a glare in his eyes, and he thought “What is this?” And could not recall where he was and what had occurred. “Yes, this is the beach.” He thought. Then, lying on his back in the sand, he grew tired, cared nothing for fighting, and forgot about that and everything else, and only wished for the sun to leave his sight.

— — —

Musashi Miyamoto stood above his opponent, watching him die. The officials were half-mad, some screaming and others stooping over to look at Sasaki.

Musashi, still trembling with nerves, felt great unease at how important the man had seemed only a few seconds earlier, only now to die peacefully on the sand, with a childlike smile on his face that was quite detached from the reality of everything that had occurred. He couldn’t help but think the man was quite beautiful, and he had destroyed something beautiful for no reason at all. He wished he could end all of this nonsense, wake the man up and talk to him. Instead, the man slowly stopped breathing, as the blood pooled around his chest.

Musashi felt a pang of sadness. Here was one of the greatest swordsman that ever lived, and now he was dead, and that was that. Musashi looked at him and bowed, then, leaving the officials with the body, he turned and marched down the beach, through the waves, and climbed back onto the boat. Some of the officials who loved Sasaki ran down the beach into the surf after him, swinging katanas and shouting, but it was too late, the tide had gone out and Musashi had gone.

— — —

Musashi Miyamoto* had fought in countless duels, but it would be this one that would change his life. Self-taught from a young age, Musashi had his first duel at the age of 13, where he struck down a Samurai. Continuing on to fight in wars and dueling, Mushashi came to know everything there was to know about combat, going so far as to develop his own style; which ignored most of the accepted teachings at the time, and was based largely on efficiency and practicality, removing all flowery movements.

Later in his life, he retired to a cave and would go on to write his treatise on life and strategy called “The Book of the Five Rings”, as well as his “Dokkodo”; his 21 rules for a disciplined life. Remembered mostly for his incredible fighting ability and for the wisdom of his later writings – Musashi has always struck me as a fascinating figure, not so much for what he accomplished, but because of the principles that allowed him to accomplish it. He’s a man who sought complete perfection in what he did, but at the same time completely spat in the face of the accepted culture of his time.

There are many lessons to learn from Musashi, but I believe it is these principles that serve to teach us the best lessons. Not just on achievement, but on living itself.

Here are the lessons of Musashi Miyamoto.

YOU’RE GOING ABOUT LEARNING IN ALL THE WRONG WAYS

It’s easy to think that in our desire to acquire mastery of a skill we have to rigorously adhere to the way of mastery that has gone before us. We ask “how do I write a book?”, “how do I start a business?”, “how do I have good relationships?” and we search and consume information that we believe will show us the way to master and achieve these various goals.

But in many cases, this is failing before we’ve even begun.

In many cases, there is no way, there’s only your way.

Musashi defeated every opponent he came across. No matter how much they trained, no matter which style they’d mastered, no matter how many people they’d beaten; they all lost.

Yet Musashi never had a master or even a formal style. He taught himself. In his own words:

“You can win with a long weapon, and yet you can also win with a short weapon. In short, the Way of the Ichi school is the spirit of winning, whatever the weapon and whatever its size.”

A Ronin from a young age, Musashi was forced (or rather, compelled) to wander through life figuring everything out for himself. His approach was unconventional from the outset, and in many ways seems to have been set in tone from his first duel, when, at the age of 13, he defeated a master samurai using the man’s own short sword and a wooden pole.

Because he taught himself, Musashi didn’t have a fighting style that was particular to anyone else; in fact, he invented his own. It’s a style that’s best captured in his own words: “I practice many arts and abilities — all things with no teacher”

Musashi approached the craft of fighting from a place of reality. Taught entirely through his own real-world experience and ruthless desire for perfection, Musashi was quick to disregard many of the accepted practices of other fighting styles – considering many of their movements unnecessary, impractical, and serving only to impress onlookers. Instead, his style was quick and efficient, utilizing both hands and simple, practical movements. The clearest embodiment of this was his choice to weird two swords, instead of one.

When we’re attempting something new we almost inevitably come to a head-on collision with our fear of failure. We feel constrained or withheld, we avoid and procrastinate, and we doubt and deny our ability. This is normal, hell I feel it every day, but it also causes us to look for ways to circumvent our fear and find a path towards our goal that will make us feel safe.

Like a guide, a teacher, or a master.

But if we stop for a moment, and really consider the skill we are trying to achieve, how often can the skill we desire not be learned with common sense? Is writing a book really that complicated? Is starting a business truly that confusing? Is having good relationships really a mystery?

Or are you just scared you’ll fail and not sitting down and using your own imagination and problem-solving abilities?

Musashi is an example I always return to when I think of self-trust. When I want to try something frightening and doubt myself, I always think:

  • How can I solve this problem?
  • What do I need to achieve in order to solve this?
  • What do I need to do in order to achieve that?
  • What do I need to learn in order to do that?
  • What is the best way to learn this?
  • Is there any reason I can’t learn this by action and reflection?
  • Will I learn more by teaching myself than by having anyone else teach me?

This is nothing new. Experience has long been touted as the best teacher, and I’m not here to say anything different. What I’m suggesting is that when fear strikes, and you begin to doubt your ability to do this on your own; fight doubt with doubt. Doubt your reasoning up until now and instead break down the problem you’re confronted with. Engage your brain and figure out solutions for yourself. Because it’s going to force you to come to the conclusion you’re desperately trying to avoid:

That you need to take action. You need to try.

Instead of reading how-to guides, your attempt to write a book becomes a process that evolves as you write the book. Instead of going to seminars and taking lessons on entrepreneurship, you start building a useful product that you can either pitch to investors or start selling. Instead of reading blogs on the internet on how to have good relationships, you go outside and start talking to girls, getting rejected and learning from it.

Because in doing so, you don’t learn someone else’s way, you learn your way. And that’s something nobody else knows and nobody else can teach, and the world has never seen before.

STOP LOOKING FOR SUCCESS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

I imagine that after killing Sasaki, the greatest rival of his age, Musashi looked upon his dying opponent and wondered why it was that instead of feeling happiness, he felt only sadness. He was finally the greatest fighter of his age, but instead of feeling joy, he felt only the sadness that he had killed this warrior for no reason at all.

It’s been noted that this was the moment Musashi refused to kill in duels ever again but I would imagine it was also the genesis of what he came to express later in life:

“There is nothing outside of yourself that can ever enable you to get better, stronger, richer, quicker, or smarter. Everything is within. Everything exists. Seek nothing outside yourself.”

Everything is within. Seek nothing outside yourself.

A product of his age and ambition, Musashi was a killer, but he was not a psychopath. He came to realize that despite achieving what he’d wanted to achieve, it did not bring him anything he wanted, it only came with the cost of a great man’s life. Something he ultimately did not want.

Although a dramatic example, it taught him the example he needed; we cannot find what we want outside of ourselves without first finding it inside. For him, this was satisfaction that came from dueling, but for yourself, it might be a sense of importance from fame, a sense a manliness from having a lot of sex, a sense of superiority through becoming successful – all of this isn’t going to work. You’ll just end up like Musashi, wondering where the feeling you thought you’d have has gone. If you don’t already have it internally, you’ll never find it.

You have to change how you feel inside. Nothing else will work.

I believe this is why a lot of guys I know continually find themselves chasing women. They believe that aside from the satisfaction of getting laid, they’ll feel a sense of internal fulfillment; but when they do finally get laid, they never feel this sense of fulfillment, and instead of questioning this, they simply chase the next girl hoping she will be the one do it for them. They crave more, thinking that will solve their problem rather than confronting the problem itself.

I see this with sex, money, success; any form of material ambition that once achieved doesn’t live up to what we think it would. We either reevaluate or we chase more.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the same people who chase more, only to feel nothing, often end up spouting nihilistic beliefs. They looked for meaning outside of themselves. And as Musashi says “there is nothing outside yourself.” When you’ve lived a life finding nothing, you start beginning to believe life is meaningless.

This perspective is often the most challenging to take on because it directly confronts our ego. But ultimately that is the choice. We have to let it go, or let it win. We have to keep feeding it externally, or instead look internally, and find what we were always searching for in the first place.

THE COMPOUNDING OF SHITTY LIFE CHOICES ™

One of the most harmless ways to ruin your life is to waste your time on pointless crap. At the time, it might seem like you’re enjoying yourself, but as these small moments of waste pile up and compound on each other, suddenly it’s 5 years later, and you’ve spent nearly a quarter of your life staring at a smartphone. It’s moments like this that make people wonder where their youth went, and why they can’t seem to achieve their dreams, or even worse, never did at all.

Aristotle said that “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” The way we use our time then determines the person that we are. And when we use our time poorly, this poor use of time compounds and grows until years have passed and we are no longer a person we ever wanted to be.

Queue the panic attack and mid-life crisis.

I call this the Compounding of Shitty Life Choices™ and it’s acting on you every day. It’s acting on you right now. Each time you take an action which is poorly chosen, worthless or completely negative, this adds to the pile of shitty actions you’ve already taken, stored away in your life like a bank vault of fuckups. And like a bank, you get interested on this in the form of the resulting poor self-esteem.

And the more you add, the more it grows; and the more it grows, the more you hate yourself.

This brings me to two quotes I’ve always liked by Musashi:

“Do nothing which is of no use.” And “Today is a victory over yourself of yesterday.”

The first is probably my favorite, exceptionally brutal qualifier on how we spend our time. Once it’s in your brain, it sticks like a virus and questions “is this useful?”, and then if it isn’t “why are you doing this? What could you be doing instead?”

When we orientate our lives into useful activity, our choices compound into massive results that are massively useful; like a book, a business, or a good relationship. When we orientate our behavior into useful activity, we actively medicate ourselves against the ever building effects of the Compounding of Shitty Life Choices™.

When we get all stuffy and bogged down with crap, all it takes is one useful decision to start setting it right. And when we start building the habit of doing that every day, we’re not just setting our days right, we’re setting our lives right.

This is not to say that things like playing video games and watching youtube videos are something you should never do. Fun is useful after all, it just comes down to moderating excess, knowing whether your actions are truly making you happy,  and being conscious of how you are spending your time. If all of your actions are like water that spills into either one of two cups, a good choices cup, and a bad choices cup, make sure the majority of your actions flow into the former, so that at the end of the day, it’s as close to the brim as you could get it.

Try it and see if you aren’t satisfied.

Musashi’s second quote is a useful reminder and antidote to the ever-present and ever negative berating of self-esteem.

“Today is a victory over yourself of yesterday.”

It’s easy when we’ve consistently failed to develop ourselves to get caught in patterns of negative self-talk where we endlessly reinforce an idea of who we are (usually, that we suck), telling ourselves that we cannot achieve what we want to achieve because not only have we failed but that we are a failure.

Sometimes, the argument can seem pretty convincing.

But just because you’ve failed in the past doesn’t mean you are a failure, it just means you need to do something different today. You need to take a different action to the one that resulted in failure. You need to start the day anew and try something new. And then you need to do that tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that, until finally, you are that ‘something new.’

Don’t get hung up on the past. Defeat the past.

 

*In Japanese, the last name is typically said first, so the correct way to say his name would be Miyamoto Musashi, although, as I’m writing in English I felt it better to stick to English conventions. The same can be said for Sasaki Kojiro.

 

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Filed Under: Archives, Best Articles, Dating Advice For Men, Life Advice & Personal Development Tagged With: Achievement, Anxiety, Approaching, Attraction, Certainty, Charisma, Comfort zone, Courage, Death, Emotions, Fear, Finding Our Passion, Game, Goals, Hard work, Identity, Life, Life Direction, Life Experience, Life Purpose, Neediness, Passion, Personal Development, Positive Beliefs, Process, Procrastination, Psychology, Relationships, Self Help, Self Improvement, Social Skills, Success, Women

The One Thing Every Bad Listener Has in Common – and How to Fix It

by Visko Matich · Sep 10, 2017

A FEW DAYS AGO, I wrote an article on storytelling and its role in charisma. In it, I broke down the structure of a good story and argued for its role in not just charisma, but in human connection itself. To me, story telling was essential.

But there were some who disagreed.

It was decided by some that rather than being good advice, this was instead detrimental, as it led people to blather on and reel off stories about themselves, without paying attention to anything the other person was saying. And I mean, sure, that is pretty shitty advice – but it’s also something I never recommended. So I put it to the back of mind and moved on.

Or at least, I tried to.

I’ve written a lot about charisma in the past – how it works within basic conversation and flirting, and how it’s essential roots lie, paradoxically, within the willingness to be perceived as unlikeable, rather than the skill of being found charming.

However, despite covering all of these topics, I have never once addressed the importance of listening itself – not just why you should do it, but how the different types of listening occur and how they affect your relationships and happiness itself.  

It’s time that changed.

THE FOUR TYPES OF LISTENING

Having worked in sales for most of my twenties, I’m no stranger to the concept of ‘teaching listening’. Stuffed into cramped board rooms and forced to consume hours of material (to be used solely for the purpose of manipulating others), the concept of different but all too commonly utilized forms of listening that appear in our day to day lives is something I’ve noticed for years.

In my own behavior, and in the behavior of others, I’ve often spotted varying and specific types of listening, that radically differ in the way we interact with others and the quality of relationships in our lives.

What I slowly came to realize is that these different types of listening all orbit around one single decision, a simple decision, that, as I will explain, has far flung consequences in our ability to connect with others, and have memorable interactions.

AWAY IN FUCKING LA LA LAND

Tell me if you recognize this:

  1. You are in a conversation with someone, but rather than listening to them, you are in fact listening deeply to whatever idea, thought or daydream that is currently engaging your brain. So intensely are you listening to this neural activity, that you cannot even hear what the person is saying.
  2. In order to keep the actual conversation going in real life (usually for no other reason than basic social decorum), you adopt the appearance and mannerisms of someone who is engaged, listening and interested. You nod, you lean forward, you occasionally perform an emotive facial expression, often followed by a gasped “really?”. Other verbal punctuations include, “Uh huh”, “sure” and a flurry of “Yeah, yeah”.

This is the appearance of listening; the simulation of it. In fact, the name I almost gave this was Simulated Listening.

As you can imagine, this simulation can only last so long before it’s exposed, typically when the other party in the conversation asks your opinion on something and you’re left frozen wondering what the fuck you were just asked.

This is the most frequent form of listening that you get with heavily introverted people, people who have ADHD, people who are exhausted, and also, me.

The chief negative of this problem is that it leaves you trapped within your head in conversation. Instead of consciously directing your focus at the person you’re speaking to (more on that later), you’ve decided to stay within your own head, listening to your own thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with that, but in the company of others, it drains you of your personality, your engagement, and prevents you from having real connection with others.

Do yourself a favor – save the deep thinking for when you’re alone.

TWIN TRACK LISTENING

You might not have heard of this but it is an epidemic that has consumed the entire world.

You know when you’re talking to someone, and maybe the TV’s on, their mobile phone is flashing up, someone’s having in argument in the restaurant or they’re also doing some kind of work, and the entire time they’re speaking to you but deep down you know they’re only half tuned into to your conversation, and simply offering what is necessary in order for it to continue whilst they tune it to what it is they actually want to concentrate on. Usually important things like Facebook.

This kind of listening is the one that leaves you most dissatisfied, and instead of having a true exchanged of ideas and feeling, all you’re left with is being managed.

The easiest way to spot this kind of listening in yourself is when you’re wanting to concentrate on something else, but instead of telling the other person this outright, you choose (for the reason of basic decorum) that instead, you’ll focus on both to placate the other person whilst keeping yourself happy.

You think you’re being nice but you’re actually just selfish.

If you’re an introverted person it’s unlikely you’ll do this, as with your head blasting out its own thoughts you’ll have a hard enough time concentrating on a what anyone else is saying as it is – but if you aren’t, I’d almost guarantee you do this. In our age of smart phones, WhatsApp and Instagram, there is simply too much instant access stimulation to divide our attention – an attention that is crucial to understanding others and emotionally engaging with them (I will get to this later).

And that divided attention might make for short term enjoyment, but in the long run, your relationships will suffer.

Which one do you think is actually worth focusing on?

THE PSYCHOPATH

I always considered it ironic that in sales training we were often instructed to ‘fake empathy’ with people. That is, when they had a genuine concern or grievance, we were tasked with listening to them in order to spot it, pretend to empathize with it, and then connect it to what we were trying to sell them.

Instead of listening to them for mutual enjoyment and mutual connection, we were listening to them in order to get something – in this case, their money.

But this kind of listening isn’t limited to sales people. It’s something everyone does.

The insecure guy desperately hangs on every word in order to say something that will make them like him; the guy trying to learn game frantically picks through her conversation to spot a moment to fake connection with her; the ambitious employee feigning interest to the boss in order to win approval, and maybe a promotion.

Just as everyone has what they want, everyone falls into traps of using listening in order to get what they want.

The downfall of this is that whilst it can be beneficial in terms of potentially achieving things you may desire, it almost always comes at the cost of true connection with others. Not only is this something that is felt by the person you are interacting with, but it also comes at the cost of your own real connection.

When we leverage conversation with others in order to get want, we cost ourselves the unique sparks of connection and spontaneity that true, organic conversations have. As we go into an interaction knowing our outcome, in either achieving it or not, we inevitably end up learning very little about the other person, and as a result ourselves, in the process.

This form of predatory listening is the most toxic as it is the easiest to consciously slip into. Where twin track listening and la la land have an element of the unconscious to them; predatory listening is a conscious decision to go forgo your own emotions and empathy in the place of your own desires.

At best, it gives you what you want, whilst leaving you with shallow, empty relationships. At worst, it gives you nothing at all.

Are either something you really want?

REAL LISTENING / DEEP LISTENING

We’ve talked about getting stuck in your own head, we’ve talked about dividing our focus between our conversation and something else, and we’ve talked about the predatory, psychopathic listening – and each of them has something in common.

They each involve focus.

In the truest, most real conversation you will have, you will be more focused on the other person than anything else. Not what you want, not what’s around you, not what’s in your head. The other person. Because it is within this focus, that you can truly listen and hear what the other person is saying, what the other person is feeling and who the other person is, and as a result connect on a deep and meaningful level.

This focus is subdivided as follows:

Listening – through focused attention:

  1. What is being said?
  2. What isn’t being said?

Feeling – through empathy:

  1. What is this person feeling?
  2. What does their tone/body language suggest?

The reason we focus on these is twofold:

  1. We will easily detect if someone is not listening to us, for any of the reasons listed earlier.
  2. If they are genuine, we will very easily connect with who they are and how they feel.*

When we listen to what the person is saying, we hear what it is they are trying are trying to say. When we listen to what they aren’t saying, we hear what it is that they are avoiding saying, or perhaps unaware they are trying to say. When we empathize with what they’re feeling, we begin to understand how they feel right now. When we listen to their tone and pay attention to their body language, we begin to see what feeling they might be hiding.

When we listen to all four, they all link together into a complete picture of the person we’re talking to. When we have a complete picture of who we’re talking to, we can share a picture of ourselves, and through this sharing, this conversation, we slowly uncover different elements of ourselves that we might not have been aware of (both them and us) and the sparks of connection and charisma come to life.

The logic for this is simple. When we feel what someone else feels, they feel safe. When we hear what someone else is saying, they feel heard. When we can see, and empathize with what they aren’t saying, they feel accepted and understood.

And all of this makes them feel better. It makes you feel better.

Isn’t that what charisma’s all about?

HOW TO START LISTENING WELL

One of the backward ways people look at conversation is they spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what they want to say, and what they want to get across, rather than investing focus on the other person in the conversation. And if they aren’t doing that, then they’re usually lost focusing on something else; tuned out, passively taking in the conversation they’re involved in.

This is present in every type of listening except for Real Listening.

When we’re in our own head, our focus is on ourselves. What am I thinking? How do I avoid getting found out? What do I need to say?

When we’re splitting our attention, our focus is on ourselves. How do I keep this person entertained whilst I look at what I want? How do I avoid getting found out?

When we’re trying to get what we want, our focus is on ourselves. How do I use what they’re saying to my advantage? How do I mask my intentions? How does what they’re saying connect to what I want?

When the focus is on ourselves, not only does our listening suffer, but as a result, so too does our charisma, our connection, and ultimately, our happiness.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Just as our ability to listen is destroyed by focusing our attention on ourselves, it is just easily bolstered by focusing it on them.

That’s the magic pill of listening.

Directed focus.

You choose to not listen to your thoughts. You choose to not listen to distractions. You choose to stop focusing on what you want. You look them in the eye. You turn your body towards them. You give them your focus, your attention and you listen.

That’s all there is to it.

There’s no secret, there’s no art, and there’s no reason why you’ve been held back from doing this already. It’s just a choice.

Stay in our own head, or find out whats in someone else’s.

Which one sounds more interesting to you?

 

*Unless we just don’t like each other.

 

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Filed Under: Archives, Best Articles, Dating Advice For Men, Life Advice & Personal Development, Uncategorised Tagged With: Attraction, Charisma, Charm, Conversation, Dating, Game, Neediness, Personal Development, Relationships, Self Help, Self Improvement, Social Skills, Talking

If You Want To Be More Charismatic, Start Telling Good Stories

by Visko Matich · Sep 2, 2017

IT DOESN’T TAKE A GENIUS to look around and see that, as a species, we’re completely obsessed with stories. Whether it’s the news, television, books or advertising, we consume stories relentlessly. And the reason why is no mystery.

Stories make us feel.

News makes us outraged. Titanic makes us cry. Twilight makes us gouge our eyes out and advertising makes us feel fat. Behind all the details of stories, there’s a feeling.

And if feeling lies at the heart of charm – it’s no coincidence then, that storytelling is one of the easiest ways to skyrocket your charisma.

In What Is Art, Tolstoy argued that art is when a feeling is transferred from the artist to another person. I believe charisma works in largely the same way; emotion is contagious, and when felt strongly, will often rub off on another person.

This is why when you feel anxious and uncomfortable, people tend to feel uncomfortable around you. This is why when you feel genuine warmth for someone they enjoy being around you.

The most charismatic people we meet are the ones who make us a feel a certain way. They’re the ones who capture our emotions and take us from a lower state of feeling to an intense one.

If we’re sad they can make us happier, or they can make us a sadder. If we’re angry they can make us laugh; if we’re bored they can make us excited.

And stories are the easiest way to do it.

Why else do we watch television when we’re lonely, scroll through other peoples lives on social media when we’re bored, why else do we go to the movies when our lives lack excitement?

Stories are everything.

But telling them well is a different matter altogether.

THE RULES

In this article, I’m going to break down the steps you need to tick off in order to tell a story well during a conversation. This is not something that is easy to do, but it is something that, with practice, you will learn to maximise your ability at. Below are the 7 techniques you will need to employ, in the listed order, to master any story you have to tell. For good examples of people doing this in practice, watch any stand up comedian worth his salt. It is essentially their job to do this well, and then some.

Here are the techniques:

  1. Start with the truth
  2. Embellish it
  3. Structure it
  4. Add obstacles
  5. Find your key elements
  6. Learn your delivery
  7. Fail, fail and fail until you’re good

But first, let’s start with the biggest excuse people normally give: I don’t have any good stories.

I DON’T HAVE ANY GOOD STORIES

One of the biggest complaints people have when it comes to telling good stories is that they don’t have any good stories from their life. And if you’re thinking this, then it’s a fairly compelling excuse; an excuse that’s, more often than not, justified with any number of reasons and evidence drawn from your own life. 

Maybe you’ve never done anything exciting. Maybe you’ve never experienced much of life. Maybe you’re a complete loser. Maybe you’ve been sat in your parent’s house all your life and have never known what it’s like to leave home.

But hang on, how many people have never left home. How many people know what that’s like? Isn’t that worth sharing? What the hell do you feel every day if you live like that?

I don’t know. I don’t think many people would know. But if you’re in that situation you might.

And that’s it. Nobody has experienced exactly what you’ve experienced and felt. It’s entirely unique to you.

You always have a story.

Now, it might not be as obvious as some of the examples I gave, but as with embellishment, you can take a kernel of truth and expand upon it. Often, you can take two separate, average stories, and blend them into one.

The other day I was on a train heading out of London when I needed to use the toilet. When I got inside, I sat down on the rattling toilet seat and went about my business. The whole place was filthy and cramped and got me thinking about a time I had food poisoning when I was on a bus, traveling. The bus didn’t have a functioning toilet seat, so I had to squat above it. The lock on the door didn’t work so I had to hold that shut as well. It was a nightmare. I remember that the walls were falling apart – all ripped and tattered. That, in turn, reminded me of the time I arrived at my third world hostel dorm only to find an insect nest in the corner of the room.

Eventually, sat there on the train toilet, I began to blend the stories into one. Until it became “I once got food poisoning on third world train. When I got to the toilet there was no seat, no lock on the door, and some kind of insect nest in the corner.”

And from there it basically tells itself.

The idea is that your life contains a variety of stories – some that will work from the outset, some that work better when combined – and all of them, without exception, are unique in emotional content to you. Nobody felt them the way you felt them. And passing that feeling on to others is what brings you together.

START WITH THE TRUTH, THEN EMBELLISH THE SHIT OUT OF IT

A good story starts with a kernel of truth.

Maybe it’s setting off the alarms at the museum, getting food poisoning, or asking a girl on a date. Whatever it is, the element of truth which you, or someone else, has experienced is the basis from which you build a strong story.

In my own life, I once set off the alarms at the Auckland Museum. That seems like a good place to start a story. But this on its own fairly thin, and lacking the necessary elements to heighten engagement.

In the early stages these elements are simple:

Context and embellishment.

Context is the events surrounding or grounding the story. And embellishment is what every story needs. Think of it like an amplifier, you take whatever you have that is true and amplify it. This might sound like lying, but as Mark Twain once said: “never let the truth get in the way of a good story.”

Now, just to be clear, I’m not saying for a second that you should lie. That’s lame. And considering you’d be doing it to impress people, that’s double lame. All you need to do is take a story that is true and exaggerate some of the elements so that they make for a better story. Think of it as giving the truth a facelift.

Taking that to my own story, I would say:

“I once set off the alarms at the British Museum.”

It just sounds better, bigger and grander. The trick is to keep it believable, but just expand the story so it’s more engaging to the listener. Often, they’ll spot that you’re exaggerating but won’t care because they understand you’re just telling a decent story.

Now that’s a fairly simple example, but consider this:

‘In Bolivia, I was attacked by dogs.’

This is true, I was. There were two of them. However:

‘In Bolivia, I was attacked by a pack of wild dogs.’

Sounds much better.

But telling that story from beginning to end lacks context, so I would usually add:

“Before I went traveling, I had to get a bunch of vaccinations. My doctor recommended all of them, but I only got the essentials. I skipped rabies, as, I’d never gotten bitten by animals in my life so why would that change now? Well, In Bolivia…”

This establishes more of context, also adds stakes to the story (other than, y’know, getting eaten). Context is essentially helping the listener orientate themselves to where the story is and who it is about. The more efficiently you can do this the better.

But if you’re looking to tell a story, you need to make things emotionally engaging. This is done two ways.

  1. Through structure.
  2. Through how you physically tell it.

STRUCTURE

First, we’ll deal with structure.

The basics are simple. Every story has a beginning, middle, and end. Which roughly translates as:

Beginning (context and set up), middle (conflict), end (resolution).

The beginning is where you want to give your listener a sense of place and character, as well as any elements necessary for the context of the story. You want to introduce what the story character wants, and how that brings them into conflict with people/things.

The middle is where the meat of your story is and will usually be the longest part. This is where you want all the conflict to occur, all the obstacles that your character has to face here, building up to a final, largest obstacle that they’ll have to overcome before the story is resolved. The more your character loses here the better.

The end is where you resolve your story. You resolve the conflict and you explain how your character got/didn’t get what they want. Any other side stories, elements or jokes that have been set up get resolved here.

OBSTACLES

On top of this, you have characters who are attempting to achieve some kind of goal. In order to dramatize this, you put obstacles between them and the goal. This naturally makes the story longer, but also increases the chances it’s emotionally engaging.

For every obstacle you introduce, you want to introduce a way around it that either works or doesn’t work out. The best kind of ways around it are ones that result in a ‘Yes, but’ which is something I use to describe a plan that works but incurs negative results as a consequence.

Consider this example, I will put the obstacles in bold.

“In Bolivia, I was attacked by a pack of wild dogs. I had turned down a wrong alleyway a night and stumbled across a pack of them. Their ears pricked up, and they instantly launched at me. I ran around the corner, straight into a fence, which I tried to climb but my keys fell out, so I dropped down to grab them, and the dogs leaped at me, but I got them, and fell over the other side and ran off down the street.”

Essentially you want it to be:

I wanted X, but then this happened so I did this, but then this happened so I did this, but then this happened so I did this, and then I finally got X / didn’t get X.

That’s the most simple structure you can use. Now note that the example follows the structure. It has context (I meet the dogs) and conflict (I’m trying to escape the dogs), but it still needs resolution.

Now, if I was to continue this story (and please bear in mind I’m trying to write this as I would say it to someone, rather than how I would write it), I would do it something like this:

“I thought I’d lost them, but when I reached my hostel, they were there. Two of them were moving towards me. The biggest dog approached me first, some kind of Pitbull. He cornered me into my door and was growling and barking – but the one behind him was even worse – this feral, yapping thing, leaping up at me.

I had no idea what I was doing but I turned to the bigger dog, looked him in the eyes and kept saying “easy”, “easy” in a calm voice and trying to look non-threatening. In mind, this seemed like the right thing to do. It never occurred to me that the dog probably spoke Spanish. I kept doing it and I don’t know what it was, maybe I reminded him of someone who treated him kindly, but he stopped barking and turned to leave. The little one, the beta dog, followed him. I was shaking, but I pulled myself together and opened the door. As soon as I did they both spun, and leaped at me. I slammed the door shut as they hit it and I fell to the floor hearing them barking and bashing against it, trying to get inside.

Laying there, all I remember thinking was “why the fuck I didn’t I get my rabies vaccination?”

The entire of that resolution, is true, incidentally.

Aside from the two basic obstacles of the dog, I also punctuated the general story with ironic or funny observations (the dog speaking Spanish, and my vaccinations). This isn’t as necessary as introducing an obstacle and an inventive way of overcoming it, but as humor is the most pleasant feeling, if you can get someone to laugh or smile, you’ve done a good job.

Now, this might seem like a lot of effort, but the reason I do this is simple. The embellishment and detail helps to build the emotion that I was experiencing at the time; panic and excitement.

But a story on it’s on isn’t enough. Where an experienced writer could take the above, and layer it with atmosphere, reversals, and drama – in conversation, you don’t have that much time, so you have you have to tell it well.

You have to tell it with feeling.

THE TELLING: KEY ELEMENTS AND DELIVERY

The difference between written story and spoken story is the time that you have to tell it. A book is all about deep immersion. I could go into detail about what the dog looked like, what the street looked like, what my relationship with the Bolivian economy is like and how the moon hung in the sky – but face to face that would take ages. It would bore you to death. You’d feel awkward standing there as I blathered on. Try reading a couple of pages of a book out loud. You’ll immediately notice it takes ages and that not a lot happens.

In person you want to be brief, you want to strip any story you have down to the basics, embellish it where necessary, dramatize it so it has feeling, and then you want to tell it. Because it’s in telling it that it comes to life.

The two rules for telling are expression and pauses.

Expression determines the mood/emotion you are trying to convey, and pauses give the expression emphasis.

Take this example. A few years back, I lived in a house filled with strange people. One was an alcoholic, one had pet rats, another was into S&M and another was wildly promiscuous. I usually tell stories about the last two; short ones, that rely almost entirely on the telling.

“My housemates Ex was banging on the door. She was saying she needed to pick up some of her old things. Sure, whatever. He wasn’t in, but I knew he’d placed her stuff in a box near his door. I left her to it, and she set to rummaging around in to box checking it was all there. When she was done, she picked it up and headed out. As she passed I took a look inside. Sat on the top was a strap on dildo. What the – ?”

“My house mate ran into my room one morning in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she said “I brought a guy back last night and he was really awful to me in the morning”, I felt bad for her and asked her what happened and she said “well, he started being really rude, laughing at me, and he turned to his friends -“ “hang on, what were his friends doing there?”

Neither of those work that well when you just say them, they rely entirely on saying the very last element with a look of complete confusion, bewilderment, and eventual figuring it out. This is for two reasons:

  1. It’s exactly what I felt at the time.
  2. It’s exactly what the listener is feeling.

The stories are about the realization that my housemate used to get pegged by his girlfriend, and that my other housemate had a gang bang. In both situations, I was none the wiser, and this news was dropped on me in a strange fashion. That was the feeling, so that is the feeling I need to convey.

The general principle of expression is to feel it strongly. Almost exaggerate it. Just as you embellish details, exaggerate expression. It just heightens the effect. Then, with pausing, hold it for longer than you think is necessary. Hell, I often look around bewildered, then wander off at the end.

So for the example of the dogs story. I would typically tell it quite fast paced with a general emotion of fear or worry, slowing down at points of emphasis. Fast paced because I was being chased. Fear because I was scared. And slowing down at moments like “It never occurred to me that the dog probably spoke Spanish” because that only really works if I say it like it’s a moronic realization.

The trick is finding the moments that are the key elements that the story hinges on. These moments are the ones where the feeling exists, and it is these moments, that when targeted, will help the person listening feel the same thing. The same principle applies for punchlines of jokes.

FAILURE

For every story I tell that lands, there’s a dozen where the altimeter gives out and I glide in ignorance straight into a mountain face.

Some people won’t like what you’re selling, no matter how sharp it is, and what’s worse, you won’t be good at selling it till you’ve failed to do so a dozen times.

It’s all well and good to have a great story, but until you’ve taken the risk in conversation to tell it, you’ll never learn if it’s actually any good and if you actually have any ability to tell it. As I’ve argued before, charisma of any kind hinges on you potentially being unlikeable.

Stories epitomize this. There are few things that risk a negative response more than telling a story badly. It is a woeful faux pas. But you have to go through it and you have to risk it.

There is no other way.

LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU

Good stories don’t just entertain, they help people learn who you are, and what you feel.

One of my biggest problems is that I have always been a class clown. The dipshit at school who said stupid things to make people laugh always got sent out of class and was always looking for approval. In many ways, I’m still that guy. I like to entertain people. The only thing that’s changed is I care less about what they think.

The flaw with this is that whilst I make people laugh, I often end up avoiding stories which really open me up (and by extension them) as a person. I make them feel what I want them to feel, rather than feel what I am. In reality, I need to tell better stories like anyone else, not just for charisma’s sake, but to feel closer to the people I’m around. To make me feel less alone.

For you, this will be no different.

You’ll have been through a break up, or you’ll have met someone that inspires you, or failed sometime, or succeeded sometime, you were probably brave once, you were probably a coward once – you’ve lived a life, and because of this, you’ve experienced all the various things that other people have, but in your own unique way.

Learn to share that uniqueness.

Because when we’re trapped within ourselves, and the most we offer socially is entertainment, or even worse, silence, we never actually let people get to know who we are. We never actually escape our own loneliness.

It’s not how I’d want to live.

I remember when I first started dating. Girls would always ask me why I was single, how long my relationships were for and why they failed. Of my biggest relationship, I would always say “it fizzled out”, and move on to some entertaining story or joke. I shared nothing of value about myself.

The truth was that my relationship failed because I was needy, didn’t really have my own life, and I was manipulative and terrified of being alone. My ex-girlfriend contributed in her own way sure, she didn’t really know what she wanted. But my reasons were clear, and my responsibility. I was needy and a bit of a loser. But years later, despite being confident that I was no longer that same person, I never shared that. I always moved on. Scared deep down that those same reasons for being rejected then would be a reason to reject me now.

What happened when I opened up about it was quite the opposite.

They accepted it. And shared some of their own failed relationships and emotional failings. They admired the confidence.

Go figure.

In admitting I wasn’t confident in the past, it turns out I was now.

For years I’d felt like that was a weakness, an ugliness that was unique to me, but in reality, plenty of other people; men and women had been there. Telling that story allowed me to realize I wasn’t alone.

And it allowed them to realize they weren’t either.

 

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Filed Under: Life Advice & Personal Development Tagged With: Attraction, Charisma, Charm, Comfort zone, Conversation, Courage, Dating, Game, Identity, Life, Life Experience, Neediness, Personal Development, Relationships, Self Help, Self Improvement, Social Skills, Women

Harsh Life Lessons From A Guy Who’s Spent Way Too Much Time Chasing Girls

by Visko Matich · Jun 24, 2017

IF I COULD sum up this article in a few words it would be this:

It’s not going to happen like you think it will, and it’s sure as shit not going to make you happy.

When we start out trying to change our dating life, what we’re really doing is attempting to upheave our emotional reality and replace it with one that we actually like. We’re trying to take our reflection and replace it with one we enjoy.

And if that sounds miserable, well yeah, it kinda is.

The sad reality about happiness is that when you tie it to a goal, it doesn’t make you happy when you’ve achieved it. It often just makes you end up looking around like someone who’s been given bad directions. However, it is often only upon achieving these goals, that we are freed to realize the goals that we actually value. Y’know, instead of chasing girls, doing something actually worthwhile.

So in an effort to help you give into your temptations, here are a few tips to help you get there even quicker.

1) GETTING ‘GOOD’ AT GAME IS AN EMOTIONAL PROCESS, NOT A LOGICAL ONE

The quicker you come to terms with your neediness, the better and easier your results will be.

When I was younger, I was convinced that ‘game’ was a logical, analytical problem for me to solve. I would view conversations as structured events and sequences rather than interplays of emotion. I would view sexual escalation as something timed and routine rather than something organic and instinctual. I would view lifestyle design as a way for me to bring women into my life, rather than lifestyle design being an extension of my own happiness, and that happiness naturally attracting people. And ultimately, I viewed myself as something to be solved, to be fixed, to be figured out; rather than someone to be understood, empathized with, and brought to life.

I think many guys are like this. They look for the logic in dating; the place to take her, the line to say, the ‘way’ to escalate. They think if they can figure it out then they’ll be fine.

Humans aren’t logical, they’re emotional. Men, in particular, like to believe that they’re free from their emotions, that they’re stoic or present or Zen; but in reality, the people who profess these things are usually the most emotionally influenced of all.

We view dating as a puzzle to be logically solved because we seek to understand what causes us pain. We think if we understand what causes us pain, then we will master it, and we will no longer fear that pain or feel it.

But you can’t out think a feeling, you can just learn to feel it. It’s emotions that got you into this mess, and it’s only emotions that can get you out.

When neediness is destroying our dating lives, the only cure is building a relationship with our neediness; admitting it’s there, feeling it, and learning how to live with and confront that feeling.

When we approach game as a puzzle, we feel neediness and feign confidence. We feel neediness and we drink so we can approach. We feel neediness and we recite our practiced lines, or escalation routines or god knows what else we think we need to do in order to ‘get her’ and placate our emotions. When we feel neediness, we do everything we can to simulate being someone who doesn’t.

But when we confront our neediness itself and build a relationship with who we are; all this stuff takes care of itself*, and stops us letting ourselves be led by our wounds, and instead follow our desire.

2) THE BETTER YOU GET, THE MORE YOU’LL GET REJECTED

Rejection exists to help you find the people who are worth your time.

The biggest thing echoing in the minds of young guys thinking of how to hit on girls is “how do I not lose her?”. This thought, buried with the network of their minds, continues on repeat, from before the interaction, during it, to well into the relationship itself. When, largely due to that thought, their relationship fails, the young guys then seek to heal their neediness through learning how to “never lose her”.

This ambition manifests itself in the ideal of the player. The guy who never gets rejected. What the young guy doesn’t know, however, is that it’s actually the exact opposite.

The better you are, the more you get rejected.

When you’re starting out, you’re so wrapped up in your neediness that you look for ways to avoid rejection and develop into the fantasy version of yourself that never got hurt like the ‘real’ you did. This is a direct symptom of neediness.

But when you’ve developed as an individual, and let go of the desire to prove something to your neediness*, you’ll actually find yourself starting to invite rejection into your life.

Instead of filtering your personality to that you’re more likable, you express yourself unabashed so that more people dislike you, but the ones that do really do. Instead of thinking of the right time, or the right intensity to express your sexuality, you express it unabashed, so you get shot down more, but you find girls who mirror your sexuality quicker, and start having more sex as a result. And most importantly, instead of looking for the right moment to approach a girl, you just approach, because you’re comfortable with awkward moments, and you’re looking for someone who is too.

It was a bit of a eureka moment when I realized that although my results were going up, I was actually getting rejected a lot more, I was far less controlled and far less suave. My interactions had very little in common except that they occurred with more frequency, and I more frequently got rejected.

But I also more frequently met girls who were really into me. And it’s the exact same for you.

3) THE MORE YOU GET REJECTED, THE BETTER YOU’LL GET

Every rejection is a lesson that success will always fail to teach.

Every technique, tip, advice, motivation, blog post, seminar, youtube video or seance you receive that you hope will improve your dating life are completely and utterly useless without experience.

And you better believe it.

Just as you get better, you’ll get rejected more. The more you get rejected, the better you’ll get. Not only will you learn what kind of girls are attracted to you, what kind of girls you are most compatible with, and you have the most rewarding relationships with; you’ll also learn what about you is most attractive, and what’s unattractive. You’ll learn what ‘techniques’ are bullshit, and what works – you’ll learn what works for you, and what cripples you. You’ll learn what’s universal to every interaction*, and what is just random.

Or in other words, the more you get rejected, the quicker you’ll develop your own style. And then you’ll never need advice ever again.

4) IMPROVE THE ELEMENTS THAT ACTUALLY AFFECT YOUR LIFE

The impact of sex on your life is infinitesimally smaller than the impact of your core relationships, your finances, and your career.

When I was younger, getting laid was the single most important factor of my life. It defined my confidence, how I perceived myself, how I believed others perceived me, and it dictated almost all of my actions; positive and negative. But as I got older, and became more experienced, I began to find that getting laid had little bearing on my happiness. In fact, if I was disappointed in my life, getting laid only seemed to magnify that disappointment. It was yet another factor in my life that couldn’t make me feel better.

An unfortunate reality is that if you’re reading this, it’s more than likely that you attribute far too much importance to having sex. But here’s the thing, sex comes from a happy life, it doesn’t make a life happy. And the more you pursue sex as a resource for your own happiness, the more you’ll cast aside the elements that actually influence that happiness.

Your relationships with your friends, your family, and ultimately, the women you’re romantically involved with, are infinitely more rewarding, engaging, challenging and worthwhile to your happiness than having sex. The closer someone is to you emotionally, the more important this relationship is.

Your financial freedom; sorting your spending habits, paying off debt, saving 20% of your income and investing your money wisely, are infinitely (extremely x 100 infinitely) more important to your happiness than anything you will ever encounter in your life. Especially sex. Because something will go wrong; illness, bereavement, debt or a desire to be free – and financial freedom is the resource for all of these things.

Your career is the largest time investment you will ever have in your life. Choosing how you spend this time, and how engaging and stimulating it is, is enormously important to your happiness. If you have a dream of being a partner at Big 4 accounting firm? Knuckle down. If you want to be a writer? Get typing. If you want to be an actor, singer, chef, scientist, magician or cop – put in the work and consciously make decisions that align your career with your enjoyment. Because as much as you hate to admit it yourself – you won’t be spending 40 hours a week getting laid, you’ll be spending it working. So it may as well be something you can enjoy.

Oh, and of course, let’s not forget your health. Because without it, you’re fucked.

As above, sex comes from a happy life, but it doesn’t make a life happy. The irony of my younger self, and a lot of guys I see out there, is that they overlook the true elements in their lives that are making them unhappy (relationships/social life, finances, career, health) and instead look for sex as a way of getting that happiness; rather than improve those elements, they look to sex, but it’s precisely the improvement of those elements that would make them happier, and as result get laid a hell of a lot more.

As any girl with half a brain will tell you: they love a man who’s life is exciting and enjoyable regardless of whether or not she’s in it. This is, in layman terms, the recipe for attraction.

5) NOBODY GIVES A SHIT IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF SEX, AND EVENTUALLY, NEITHER WILL YOU

When you imagine yourself as the person you want to be, you often imagine this person with a high level of esteem, envy, and admiration as reactions from other people. As I’ve written before, this is often a, albeit perceived to be, intrinsic element in our goals; the desire for social esteem and status as a result of our achievement. And when we look to improve our dating lives it is no different. Stemming from our desire to feel ..uh… “unrejectable” we are looking to become someone who cannot feel as we do now; socially and romantically irrelevant. But the truth is a little different.

In reality, nobody cares.

Just as we’re caught in the motivational pull of our emotional needs and the demands of our lives and psychological wounds; so is everyone else. Our self-interest isn’t a trait that is unique to us, but in fact ubiquitous to all. As anyone in sales will teach you: nobody cares what you can do, they only care what you can do for them. Whilst you’d probably imagine becoming some great player would mean you’d be the envy of all men, and the swoon of all women; in reality, most of the people you meet won’t really care. People are more concerned with their own lives, and anyone who’s been where you are and moved on knows what kind of place you’re in emotionally

People will either admire you because they’re inexperienced, or they’ll be more concerned with their own happiness, or they’ll pity you.

Yes, pity you.

Because they will realize, as you eventually will, that having sex will never live up to the idea of it that you’ll have in your head. Your ego will be stroked, sure. But behind that ego, will be a sense of disappointment, of emptiness that once again you haven’t been able to make that feeling go away. That once again, the hot girl hasn’t made you happy.

You’re stuck at an emotional dead end, and to anyone who’s been there, it’s blindingly obvious.

 

*99% of techniques are just hiding your emotional problems, fix the emotional problem and you’ll never have needed the technique in the first place – the techniques just replicate the behavior of someone who isn’t emotionally affected by women

*Read: fuck emotionally damaged women

*And you’ll learn this is making a move. And nothing else.

Liked this article? Help me make an impact, and share it on social media. Just click one of the icons at the bottom or top of the page. Thanks!

And make sure to subscribe to never miss a post, or alternatively, like me on Facebook, so you’re always up to date on the latest content.

If there’s anything in this article you want to go in more depth on, or you just want to get in touch – drop me a message here! It’s completely free.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

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Filed Under: Archives, Dating Advice For Men, Life Advice & Personal Development Tagged With: Anxiety, Approaching, Attraction, Dating, Game, Goals, Identity, Life, Life Direction, Life Experience, Life Purpose, Neediness, Personal Development, Social Skills, Women

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