Her eyes flash. The corner of her mouth flutters into a smile. Your lives have blended into seamless similarities and your jokes fire back and forth in a rapport of neuronal impulses. The words you once chose so carefully now fade away into fixated pupils and rushes of sensation through your bodies. Everything starts to move on its own, propelled to its deterministic conclusion; nature takes its course. The monotony of existence has burst to vibrant life, and for these brief moments; you are not alone. Poetic trite is now irrefutable truth.
And then it fades away.
Back into the magic trick of charisma that you can’t quite figure out. Conversations end up as a quagmire of boredom and the sparks of connection become memory and scarcity.
But like any magic trick, the secret only eludes you when you can’t spot the sleight of hand.
Talking to women isn’t complicated. If you want to shift your conversations from dull to exciting, your chemistry from scarce to common – it’s simply a matter of conceptualising conversation the right way.
It’s not about talking, it’s about feeling.
I can be a shy guy. It’s a flaw that sparks up every now and again, and as a result, I’ve had countless conversations that sucked. I’ve had ones that started great, then limped on and fizzled out. I’ve bored tables of people to death. I’ve been shy. I’ve been lame. I’ve had great conversations. I’ve had bad conversations. But over the years, paying attention to what worked and what didn’t – my conversations have improved, and my dating life and relationships have flourished.
Talking to women is movement and feeling; a movement towards connection, and a feeling of empathy and desire.
Below is everything I’ve learned on how to grow and build connection, thread desire and create a relationship. If you’re interested in bringing any of those things to your life – then lets dive right in:
The One Rule
Have a conversation that is driven by emotion that moves towards a mutually desired conclusion.
Talking to women is all about identifying mutual feelings and growing them. This can be something as simple as sharing a laugh over a joke, to something as unique as connecting over a shared feeling of pain or loss.
Here are the fundamentals you should know. Call them beliefs, call them attitudes. Whatever, just think about them.
- Shut up and listen to her. Paying attention tells you everything; what she says, how she says it, and what she’s telling you with her body language.
- Being shy is just a matter of anxiety. Learn to manage that.
- Conversations die. It happens. This isn’t always your fault (despite the claims of your insecurity). It is often because people are passive participants (read: dull, lifeless bores), instead of active participants (read: charismatic, interesting). The solution is simple; if you don’t enjoy these conversations, talk to these people less. It does not always reflect on you.
- Serious is good, playful is better. Err on the side of playful.
- The old saying is ‘A picture is worth a thousand words’, well with women it’s ‘a look is worth a thousand words.’ Eye contact is MASSIVELY important. Later, this involves touching.
- If you want to know something, just ask her. Don’t dance around it. Be direct and decisive.
Moving on we have step one. This is small talk. Gather basic information and build a rapport with the Girl. Generic questions and jokes, then move on to the good stuff.
- Lead the conversation to begin with, then let it go where it goes.
- Stop worrying about small talk. It’s simply a tool to get to the good stuff. Ask the basic questions, remember to be playful, and be the first to open the conversation up emotionally.
- Learn the art of one-liners and quick wit. Do this by watching standup comedy and paying attention to funny people (delivery is everything).
Open Up The Conversation
The goal here is to transition the conversation from shallow information and rapport to deep conversation and connection.
- Make statements instead of questions. I.e ‘tell me about your day.’ Rather than ‘how was your day?’
- Cold read them. I.e ‘You’re french.’ Or ‘your parents got divorced didn’t they.’ If you rule is, if you think it, say it. Unless what you’re saying is offensive, you won’t get a negative response – in fact quite the reverse.
- Questions that start with Who, What, Why, Where or How cannot be answered with a binary answer. They can only open up the conversation – use them. They directly get you to the next part.
- If you have an opinion on something. Say it. If it is in opposition to theirs. Say it. This is attractive behaviour. You are owning your opinions. Countless guys just agree with whatever she says – own your opinion, she’ll like this unless you’re racist/bigoted/offensive.
- Open up the sexual element – Tell them what you think of their appearance. Less often their physical beauty, more often their dress sense. Women put a shit-ton of effort into their clothes. Appreciate this. Tell them you love that dress etc. Notice their effort. Pay attention to where they’ve personalised their outfit. Physical appearance has diminishing returns. Compliment their body and face less as it often just seems like you can’t control yourself – you can save all that for later.
After transitioning the conversation you want to open up yourself emotionally. This is not a technique; this is a genuine desire to connect with another person. With 99% of people you’re going to have to do this first – when they follow suit the idea is to talk about emotions rather than facts. It’s about empathy – identifying similarities in how you both emotionally perceive the world. This is where the ‘I’m not alone’ magic comes from.
- Don’t brag or talk about things to impress them. Every woman I know is turned off by this unconsciously. Seriously stop fucking doing it. It is the opposite of what we’re trying to do here. Impressing is all about superiority, connection thrives on equal footing.
- Ask emotionally driven, open-ended questions. I.e ‘How do you feel about your job?’ Is infinitely superior to ‘do you like your job?’ As they can just answer yes / no to the latter whereas the former opens them up to talking emotionally and you can connect here. The technique is to take any question you can and relate it to their emotions. Then you’ll stop talking facts (small talk) and start talking emotions (deep conversation) – which allow you to see the crossovers in your identities.
It like sex – but with your mouths. No, not that kind.
That comes later.
- Get them talking about themselves, less about you. At the start this will be the other way around, this is normal. As you progress it will flip. Try to find out what’s unique about them, what makes them different to other girls.
Otherwise, you’ll just be talking about Netflix amirite?Moving on.
- Tell great, emotionally led stories. Do this paying attention to your life and discovering your unique stories, learning how they made you feel. Learn to structure a story and deliver it well – similar to comedy, it’s all about delivery. This allows her to connect with you.
- Connect and Relate emotions. When they say I felt X when Y happened. Most people talk about how Y happened to them. Don’t do this. Talk about when you felt X, with empathy.
- Complement them physically. Do this gradually. Hair, eyes, face. Save complementing their body for later.
- Touch them – hand, arm, shoulder, lower back, thigh. I usually punctuate the conversation with this. The thigh really lets you know where you stand. If she’s comfortable with your hand planted there – then my boy, you are getting lucky tonight.
Closing is moving things forward sexually, and making things happen. As a man, I can almost guarantee it is you who is going to have to do this, and it’s simple.
- If this is your first conversation, the most important thing you can do is ask her out. Seriously, this is really the only part that matters. If you’re in a bar / club / date – you can replace this with KISS HER. Seriously, kiss her.
- If you’ve done the touching and complementing I outlined above, and kissed her – she is horny, and I’d imagine so are you. When you’re both horny, TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT TO DO TO THEM. Make sure only they hear this. Women are dirty as guys deep down (even worse, in my opinion), but they don’t want anyone else but you knowing. Tell them what you want to do to them.This might sound sleazy or gross – but in fact, you’re just being aware of her emotional state. She is horny after all.
- If asking them out face to face makes you nervous – ask for their number and do it via text. Just make sure you ask them out. This is essential. Many girls might like you, but not consider dating you until you put the idea of it in front of them. I know, it’s weird.
- How do I know if she’s horny? If a girl is staring into your eyes, comfortable with you touching her and complimenting her sexually. She’s horny. If you’re kissing her, why are you asking?
- Complement their body. In between mouth wrestling for maximum effect. Couple with exploratory hands, for the home run.
- Again, if you’re in a bar/club / date. Stop talking and kiss them.
- If you’ve done the above and everything’s going well, take her back to your place. You do this by saying ‘let’s go back to mine.’ There is no trick to this. Girls like having sex as well. In this case, with you.
That’s it. A conversation threaded from beginning to end. Anyone can do this. You can do this. It’s just a question of habit. Put yourself back in the driver’s seat.