IF I COULD sum up this article in a few words it would be this:
It’s not going to happen like you think it will, and it’s sure as shit not going to make you happy.
When we start out trying to change our dating life, what we’re really doing is attempting to upheave our emotional reality and replace it with one that we actually like. We’re trying to take our reflection and replace it with one we enjoy.
And if that sounds miserable, well yeah, it kinda is.
The sad reality about happiness is that when you tie it to a goal, it doesn’t make you happy when you’ve achieved it. It often just makes you end up looking around like someone who’s been given bad directions. However, it is often only upon achieving these goals, that we are freed to realize the goals that we actually value. Y’know, instead of chasing girls, doing something actually worthwhile.
So in an effort to help you give into your temptations, here are a few tips to help you get there even quicker.
1) GETTING ‘GOOD’ AT GAME IS AN EMOTIONAL PROCESS, NOT A LOGICAL ONE
The quicker you come to terms with your neediness, the better and easier your results will be.
When I was younger, I was convinced that ‘game’ was a logical, analytical problem for me to solve. I would view conversations as structured events and sequences rather than interplays of emotion. I would view sexual escalation as something timed and routine rather than something organic and instinctual. I would view lifestyle design as a way for me to bring women into my life, rather than lifestyle design being an extension of my own happiness, and that happiness naturally attracting people. And ultimately, I viewed myself as something to be solved, to be fixed, to be figured out; rather than someone to be understood, empathized with, and brought to life.
I think many guys are like this. They look for the logic in dating; the place to take her, the line to say, the ‘way’ to escalate. They think if they can figure it out then they’ll be fine.
Humans aren’t logical, they’re emotional. Men, in particular, like to believe that they’re free from their emotions, that they’re stoic or present or Zen; but in reality, the people who profess these things are usually the most emotionally influenced of all.
We view dating as a puzzle to be logically solved because we seek to understand what causes us pain. We think if we understand what causes us pain, then we will master it, and we will no longer fear that pain or feel it.
But you can’t out think a feeling, you can just learn to feel it. It’s emotions that got you into this mess, and it’s only emotions that can get you out.
When neediness is destroying our dating lives, the only cure is building a relationship with our neediness; admitting it’s there, feeling it, and learning how to live with and confront that feeling.
When we approach game as a puzzle, we feel neediness and feign confidence. We feel neediness and we drink so we can approach. We feel neediness and we recite our practiced lines, or escalation routines or god knows what else we think we need to do in order to ‘get her’ and placate our emotions. When we feel neediness, we do everything we can to simulate being someone who doesn’t.
But when we confront our neediness itself and build a relationship with who we are; all this stuff takes care of itself*, and stops us letting ourselves be led by our wounds, and instead follow our desire.
2) THE BETTER YOU GET, THE MORE YOU’LL GET REJECTED
Rejection exists to help you find the people who are worth your time.
The biggest thing echoing in the minds of young guys thinking of how to hit on girls is “how do I not lose her?”. This thought, buried with the network of their minds, continues on repeat, from before the interaction, during it, to well into the relationship itself. When, largely due to that thought, their relationship fails, the young guys then seek to heal their neediness through learning how to “never lose her”.
This ambition manifests itself in the ideal of the player. The guy who never gets rejected. What the young guy doesn’t know, however, is that it’s actually the exact opposite.
The better you are, the more you get rejected.
When you’re starting out, you’re so wrapped up in your neediness that you look for ways to avoid rejection and develop into the fantasy version of yourself that never got hurt like the ‘real’ you did. This is a direct symptom of neediness.
But when you’ve developed as an individual, and let go of the desire to prove something to your neediness*, you’ll actually find yourself starting to invite rejection into your life.
Instead of filtering your personality to that you’re more likable, you express yourself unabashed so that more people dislike you, but the ones that do really do. Instead of thinking of the right time, or the right intensity to express your sexuality, you express it unabashed, so you get shot down more, but you find girls who mirror your sexuality quicker, and start having more sex as a result. And most importantly, instead of looking for the right moment to approach a girl, you just approach, because you’re comfortable with awkward moments, and you’re looking for someone who is too.
It was a bit of a eureka moment when I realized that although my results were going up, I was actually getting rejected a lot more, I was far less controlled and far less suave. My interactions had very little in common except that they occurred with more frequency, and I more frequently got rejected.
But I also more frequently met girls who were really into me. And it’s the exact same for you.
3) THE MORE YOU GET REJECTED, THE BETTER YOU’LL GET
Every rejection is a lesson that success will always fail to teach.
Every technique, tip, advice, motivation, blog post, seminar, youtube video or seance you receive that you hope will improve your dating life are completely and utterly useless without experience.
And you better believe it.
Or in other words, the more you get rejected, the quicker you’ll develop your own style. And then you’ll never need advice ever again.
4) IMPROVE THE ELEMENTS THAT ACTUALLY AFFECT YOUR LIFE
The impact of sex on your life is infinitesimally smaller than the impact of your core relationships, your finances, and your career.
When I was younger, getting laid was the single most important factor of my life. It defined my confidence, how I perceived myself, how I believed others perceived me, and it dictated almost all of my actions; positive and negative. But as I got older, and became more experienced, I began to find that getting laid had little bearing on my happiness. In fact, if I was disappointed in my life, getting laid only seemed to magnify that disappointment. It was yet another factor in my life that couldn’t make me feel better.
An unfortunate reality is that if you’re reading this, it’s more than likely that you attribute far too much importance to having sex. But here’s the thing, sex comes from a happy life, it doesn’t make a life happy. And the more you pursue sex as a resource for your own happiness, the more you’ll cast aside the elements that actually influence that happiness.
Your relationships with your friends, your family, and ultimately, the women you’re romantically involved with, are infinitely more rewarding, engaging, challenging and worthwhile to your happiness than having sex. The closer someone is to you emotionally, the more important this relationship is.
Your financial freedom; sorting your spending habits, paying off debt, saving 20% of your income and investing your money wisely, are infinitely (extremely x 100 infinitely) more important to your happiness than anything you will ever encounter in your life. Especially sex. Because something will go wrong; illness, bereavement, debt or a desire to be free – and financial freedom is the resource for all of these things.
Your career is the largest time investment you will ever have in your life. Choosing how you spend this time, and how engaging and stimulating it is, is enormously important to your happiness. If you have a dream of being a partner at Big 4 accounting firm? Knuckle down. If you want to be a writer? Get typing. If you want to be an actor, singer, chef, scientist, magician or cop – put in the work and consciously make decisions that align your career with your enjoyment. Because as much as you hate to admit it yourself – you won’t be spending 40 hours a week getting laid, you’ll be spending it working. So it may as well be something you can enjoy.
Oh, and of course, let’s not forget your health. Because without it, you’re fucked.
As above, sex comes from a happy life, but it doesn’t make a life happy. The irony of my younger self, and a lot of guys I see out there, is that they overlook the true elements in their lives that are making them unhappy (relationships/social life, finances, career, health) and instead look for sex as a way of getting that happiness; rather than improve those elements, they look to sex, but it’s precisely the improvement of those elements that would make them happier, and as result get laid a hell of a lot more.
5) NOBODY GIVES A SHIT IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF SEX, AND EVENTUALLY, NEITHER WILL YOU
When you imagine yourself as the person you want to be, you often imagine this person with a high level of esteem, envy, and admiration as reactions from other people. As I’ve written before, this is often a, albeit perceived to be, intrinsic element in our goals; the desire for social esteem and status as a result of our achievement. And when we look to improve our dating lives it is no different. Stemming from our desire to feel ..uh… “unrejectable” we are looking to become someone who cannot feel as we do now; socially and romantically irrelevant. But the truth is a little different.
In reality, nobody cares.
Just as we’re caught in the motivational pull of our emotional needs and the demands of our lives and psychological wounds; so is everyone else. Our self-interest isn’t a trait that is unique to us, but in fact ubiquitous to all. As anyone in sales will teach you: nobody cares what you can do, they only care what you can do for them. Whilst you’d probably imagine becoming some great player would mean you’d be the envy of all men, and the swoon of all women; in reality, most of the people you meet won’t really care. People are more concerned with their own lives, and anyone who’s been where you are and moved on knows what kind of place you’re in emotionally
People will either admire you because they’re inexperienced, or they’ll be more concerned with their own happiness, or they’ll pity you.
Yes, pity you.
Because they will realize, as you eventually will, that having sex will never live up to the idea of it that you’ll have in your head. Your ego will be stroked, sure. But behind that ego, will be a sense of disappointment, of emptiness that once again you haven’t been able to make that feeling go away. That once again, the hot girl hasn’t made you happy.
You’re stuck at an emotional dead end, and to anyone who’s been there, it’s blindingly obvious.
*99% of techniques are just hiding your emotional problems, fix the emotional problem and you’ll never have needed the technique in the first place – the techniques just replicate the behavior of someone who isn’t emotionally affected by women
*Read: fuck emotionally damaged women
*And you’ll learn this is making a move. And nothing else.
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