PEOPLE LIE TO THEMSELVES about their emotions all the time. Nowhere is this truer than in casual relationships.
Every time somebody says to me that their relationship is ‘no strings attached’, ‘casual’, ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘we’re just fuck buddies’, I always, instead, hear a combination of ‘I’m not aware of my emotions’, ‘one of us is more invested than the other’ and ‘this is going to end badly.’
Because let me tell me you a secret:
Casual, no strings attached relationships are just bad, early-stage relationships with poor emotional awareness and poor communication.
Functioning well for only a short time, casual relationships are simply the early formation stage of a relationship, with all the fertile ground for the development of emotional attachment.
But instead of progressing things, the casual relationship sits in some kind of no man’s land, where more often than not, one person ends up in a position of over attached neediness due to the lack of open communication.
You’ll probably be thinking, yeah, but it’ll be her and not me… But if you’re reading this article, I’d wager it’s gonna be you.
Dating can be difficult.
Sometimes, really difficult.
Hell, I built an entire 8-hour video course about helping you solve this exact problem. (And it’s like totally really good and you should buy it blah, blah, okay back to the article). But when you screw up casual relationships, the difficulties in dating become a hell of a lot worse.
HOW TO HAVE A CASUAL RELATIONSHIP
Despite this reality, casual relationships remain popular and are pursued by men and women alike. But the question nobody seems to ask themselves is:
Is it possible to have a casual relationship without the feelings? In other words, is it possible to have a no strings attached relationship, that actually has no fucking strings attached?
The short answer:
Given how emotionally unaware we all are… No. It’s not.
The long answer:
If neediness is a dominant emotion in your emotional makeup, then this kind of relationship is likely to end up with you getting over attached and chasing someone around who doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.
I see this happening to guys a lot, and I see it happening to girls all the time. If neediness is a dominant emotion for you, I can almost guarantee that this outcome will happen. You’re better off working on yourself and devoting time to healing that neediness.
But if neediness isn’t a dominant emotion in your life. Then, well, it takes a lot of work.
There are five steps to having a casual relationship. If you want to keep things ‘no-strings-attached’, then it takes work. And it takes an understanding of your own emotions and hers.
Let’s start:
1) THE EXPERIENCES YOU SHARE DETERMINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Guys who never end up in fuck buddy situations almost always end up where they are because of their vibe.
When guys think of how to get a fuck buddy, they often think they should just go on a date with a girl, fuck her brains out and that’ll do the trick. Sure, it might, but I think it’s an unimaginative way of looking at it.
It’s stale advice.
The two elements that turn a one-time fling into a multiple-time fling are experience and comfort. Comfort I’ll get to in a second, but first, let’s look at experience.
Lock down your Balloon Animal Game.
Experience is complicated. Yes, having great sex with her helps, but I’ve always found in my own life that it was the girls I had a shared sexual adventure with were the ones who always came back.
This means that when you have sex, make sure there’s some kind of story attached to it – you both had sex in an expensive hotel after rampaging through the city, or you had sex on the beach or you had sex in a club toilet or you picked her up on at a house party, bailed and had sex in a park. Whatever. The point was that it was something out of the ordinary. It was something exciting.
Which means you are exciting.
Back in my early 20’s, I used to spend so much time worrying about whether or not I’d get laid that I would play it extremely safe. Comfortable date, back to the apartment, rinse, repeat. But the older I got, and the more bored I became with this routine, the more I began to branch out and try more radical things, push things in a more sexual direction, make my dates more crazy and haphazard; do weird shit like go bowling at 3 AM, or hold entire dates in a role-play, simply because I wanted to.
It was here that quality and quantity of my casual relationships began to increase. I went from just another guy to someone who was exciting and memorable.
This is fundamental. It’s the kind of lifestyle and behavior that takes you from ‘guy she would have sex with because she’s in the mood’, to ‘guy who can make her in the mood to have sex with.’ Your lifestyle and identity are, in themselves, arousing.
Because if you want an almost purely sexual relationship, that’s what you should be aiming for.
The reason I stress this is that most guys get laid because the girl was already horny. It had nothing to do with them, so they have no idea how to keep them interested.
2) LEAVE YOUR JUDGEMENTS AT THE DOOR
When I was inexperienced with girls, I used to be hugely judgemental about their sexuality, and fearful within conversations. Stemming from my neediness, I thought any girl sleeping with another man somehow spoke to my self-worth, and that if I said the wrong thing in conversation then I would lose the girl. It was a fearful, controlling attitude.
And I see it in guys all the fucking time.
I have friends who often profess to be non-judgemental, but as soon as a girl starts talking about her sexuality, they seize up, become defensive, and often go on the attack, questioning her about her motivations. I recognize this because it’s exactly what I used to do. And here’s the thing:
Girls can smell this from a mile away. And they hate having sex with guys who think like this.
Just like you, or me, they don’t actually enjoy being judged.
In fact, for most women, being socially judged is one of their biggest fears. Just as being perceived as weak is one of the biggest for men.
For a girl to have repeated casual sex with you, she needs to know you’re not judging her, that you’re comfortable with your sexuality and hers, and in fact (and this is why you’d get your results), you actively encourage her sexuality. All of her fucked up little tastes; you’re a fan of all of them.
This isn’t a technique. It can’t be faked.
It only comes as a result of killing neediness.
3) UNDERSTAND THAT CASUAL DOES NOT EQUAL FREQUENT
When you meet a girl, go on a date, sleep with her, and meet her up with again in a few days or next week – in some way or another your relationship is progressing. You are progressing from a casual encounter in her life to a frequent encounter.
In other words, a relationship.
Time and time again I see guys advising other guys to turn one night stands into a casual relationship as soon as they can. This is doable, sure, but I’ve always felt it was the wrong way to go about it.
When you progress through a connection, you expose yourself to emotions that gradually intensify, and unless you’re callously shut off to them, this is going to complicate your casual relationship. Sex might be a physical act, but it’s an emotional process.
Denying this to yourself just leaves you exposed to needless drama down the line when the feelings you haven’t admitted to yourself start cropping up. Think about any friend you’ve had who’s been casually sleeping with a girl only to freak out when she goes home with another man.
It’s bullshit, and people lie to themselves about it all the time.
The trick to countering this is timing.
Stop rushing shit and take your goddamn time.
After you’ve had sex, lay off the pressure. If she’s keen to hook up, sure, but keep it extremely relaxed. Find the next girl. Drop her a text in a few weeks or even months, chat for a bit, ask her out. You’ll know immediately if she’s keen. Do this with enough girls and you have an entire years’ supply of casual relationships sorted, whilst finding new ones. Because if you’ve shared an experience, she’ll see your message pop up and remember you as that story.
That thing she did that was exciting.
The gap in timing counters the inherent neediness that arises in any relationship and keeps it strictly casual. It means you’re still entering each other’s lives, but not with enough frequency to start inevitably confusing things.
It might sound crazy, but what I’m advising is actually making your casual relationships, y’know, casual. There’s nothing casual about seeing someone all the time; in fact, it’s the very definition of intense.
Don’t do that. Instead, build upon the casual, intense sexuality of your first meeting, and allow that to set the tone. After the first time of having sex with one another, you separate, which stops the would-be relationship progression from happening.
This model is far from perfect in preventing the confused reality of casual relationships, but in my experience is the best counter to the emotional reality that is usually denied to even exist.
Important: I would note, however, that whilst this works, it’s not emotionally fulfilling. A real relationship, with a real connection, with someone you actually care about trumps it every time. But it’s up to you to decide whether you want that.
4) ACCEPT AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE EMOTIONS THAT EXIST
Emotions always play the biggest part in any sexual interaction.
- It’s attraction and arousal that takes you both to the bedroom.
- It’s attraction, arousal, and happiness that keeps you coming back.
- It’s attraction, arousal, happiness and trust that forms a bond.
- It’s attraction, arousal, happiness, trust, and love that form a commitment.
Logic has next to nothing to do with it. In men’s dating advice, this is rarely ever discussed, and when it comes to casual relationships, this is always denied. I mean, just look at the alternative names. Friends with benefits, fuck buddies – it’s all avoiding any kind of romantic language. It’s doing it’s best to act like it isn’t there.
But it’s always there.
This is the main reason why I recommend you never, ever, ever try and ‘fuck buddy’ your ex. You’re uncorking a whole bottle of fuck your emotional shit up.
Have a drink, what could possibly go wrong.
If you want to have successful casual relationships with women, you owe it to yourself, and them, to acknowledge the emotional reality that exists and take steps not to lead yourself, or her, into emotionally confused waters. You don’t ever want to be thinking:
‘Are we or aren’t we?’
And you shouldn’t want her thinking it either.
Acknowledging this means your focus remains on:
These two will always send the kind of signal you want to be sending.
The rest comes from taking a mature attitude towards your sex life and your emotional life and respecting the other person. The easy thing to do is to be just another dickhead who gets into confusing situations. The adult thing to do is to understand that some types of relationships need boundaries.
It’s harder. But that’s why it’s worth doing.
5) SOMETIMES THEY END FOR NO REASON
Casual relationships are sometimes good but then fizzle out for no reason. And for the guys who usually can’t get them at all, they’re left doubly confused as to what they’re doing wrong.
Here’s the reality:
It often has nothing to do with you.
Sometimes she’s just not in the right place and doesn’t want this kind of relationship. She might be lonely, and the loveless sex might actually exacerbate those issues of loneliness. Who knows?
Casual or not, it’s still a relationship after all, so it’s not all about you.
The other person in the relationship has different wants, needs, fears, and anxieties to your own. I’ve slept with girls who have felt ashamed of themselves for sleeping with me, I’ve slept with girls who thought they could get a relationship out of me and failed, and I’ve slept with girls who started out thinking I was a great guy and ended up wanting me out of their life.
It can be for dozens of reasons, sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s not.
As with any relationship, it’s bound to leave you emotionally confused. The art is in picking yourself up and not letting that confusion break you.
Because new relationships are always waiting around the corner. Maybe this one will be one that lasts.
I’ve had my fuck buddy for 6 months now and it was all going great. We both knew where we stood, we settled into a 2 night a week routine ( Thursday, Friday and sometimes Sunday). He stays over at mine. We’re both busy people because of our jobs so we don’t text during the week, my 12 hour shifts as a nurse Monday to Thursday mean I live like a hermit in the week….i don’t want to talk to anyone when I get home. So we hook up late at night after I’ve been out with friends and rejoined the land of the living and same with him. We never socialise together, I don’t know his friends or family and likewise. It’s a comfort to know he’s there when I don’t have time for an actual relationship but I still have needs.
Anyway over the last month or so he has been dropping hints of maybe wanting more. I’ve brushed them off or ignored them completely. I mean this guy has issues. He’s emotionally unavailable. Been broken by his ex. Has cheated a lot in the last 2 years…and hurt every fling that came his way since his ex broke up. He drinks a lot as a result and he is now aware of what he is doing and how much he has gone off the rails the past couple years and he is disappointed in himself.
However because he has told me all this over the past 6 months he sounds like the worst possible man I could ever committ to. I don’t want things to change, but the last comment this week was him saying to that basically that he didn’t realise that someone standing right in front of him could be the one…. i.e. me
I didn’t know what to say but I can’t forget it. He goes on to say I never take you out do I? I think about texting you all the time asking to come here or there but I never do it.
So I said it was ok as it wasn’t the part of the deal. I’m confused as to what I want now. He’s a player. And I know it, I’ve heard all about it. I don’t know where to turn now. But I don’t want it to stop because the sex is good, It’s become more intimate and despite his issues we get along, it’s comfortable and i like it when he is here. And now because of his recent epiphanies I feel like I’m his bloody therapist. Any advice?
P.s. we’re both 37. I haven’t seen other guys since he came on the scene. I can’t say for sure if I’ve been his only one. I’d wager not.
You already know the answer. This guy is bad news. I’m sure you get along and the sex is good – but he doesn’t want a woman. He wants a mom to take care of his feelings.
Which do you want to be?
V, Thanks for your quick reply…..having an outsider take on my story is really benenificial. I have to agree with you. I think it’s time to wind this one down.
Thanks again
Missy
Happy to help.
Definitely agree with V. I understand how you feel but sounds like this guy needs to be alone for a while and get his shit together on his own. I’d say get space and stay strong! Alone or with new people is better than with someone who complicates your life in any way.
Thank you Amy. I have revisited my comment tonight to reassure myself i have done the right thing. I ended it just 2 days ago after a month of deliberating and spending a lot of time with him over the holidays.
Im trying to reassure myself i have done the right thing. But his none reply cuts me a lot. I realise now all of his word were bullshit.
Onwards and upwards.
I have been in an on and off fuck puppet relation ship for 17 years. First let me expand on the term fuck puppet. We get together and fuck. We have never ever gone out for dinner or to a movie or even hung out at each other’s places.
Obviously this is not a relationship or fuck buddies or friends with benefits,
The sex is amazing by far the best sex Ijave ever had.
I have never had to tell him what I want as he just instinctually gives me what I need.
Do I care about him as a person of course I would never want anything to happen to him.
Am I in love with him? No, I am not.
I do not know him, we have always just fucked period.
Can this work? Well, yes apparently it can.
I am sure it is pretty rare though.
I’ve never heard the term ‘fuck puppet’ until now.
Sounds like a pretty unique relationship. 17 years is almost a marriage.
Lasted longer then my marriage!
There was this one girl I met at an event and I never went out much at all. We met up a couple times just to hang out. But we made it a regular thing to hang out as friends and she was really fun. We’d hang out at bars and play pool. But I was there for her when she was going through some rough times also and she would always tell me that I am such a good guy being that I couldn’t take a compliment I just told her there are other guys out there better than me. There was this one time I was also going through a rough patch but with one girl that I had really liked a lot but found out she had a boyfriend. I don’t know i guess it just tore me apart. I told the girl I was hanging out with about it and we were a little bit buzzed and she invited me into her room to stay the night because I was too drunk to drive. Before she invited me over but I slept in the living room area and I would fold her blankets and sheets and leave early in the morning. Anyway this was different, I was still under the weather and she hugged me like no one ever hugged me before, I mean it was like she took away the stress with it. One thing lead to another and our lips touched and it was amazing. We ddnt have sex because I think she could tell I was a little nervous, which I was very embarrassed about. But we took things slow and just kissed instead and a lot of touching. I left that morning and she left me a text saying that she enjoyed that time we had and that I could use her as practice which I replied she was more than that. There were a couple other times where we did the same thing but it was a little confusing because we ddnt know when we were going to do what we did again or if we were ever going to do it again. She told me more about herself that she enjoyed having sex, like maybe she had sex with a bunch of other guys. I guess I was accepting of her and who she was without judging her. Anyway I told how I felt and I felt so stupid because I caught feelings which I never thought I would but there was something about her that I loved. I was a changed man and just did things that I would have never done before. We met regularly and then there was one instant where we ddnt meet up for a few months and we did message but I just liked seeing her in person. We talked in her car and she cried because she was figuring things out with another guy and I told her as a friend that if she liked him and he was a good guy that she should go for it. I made a painting of her that Christmas and it looked dead on like her but that’s when she kept distant. I showed that I was getting attached and I can see that now. I never felt so worthless in my entire life after that. I cried for weeks because she was always on my mind and everything around me reminded me of her. We stopped doing what we were doing because she moved on with another guy. I still am having a time trying to get through things. I fell into a bad depression for a couple weeks and there still is pain but it’s not as bad as it once was. I tell myself to try and move on but I really don’t want to feel that pain again and hope that I can move on from this. I know it’ll take time. At this point I realize maybe getting attached stressed her and that she wanted someone better for me than her. After some time she had a Valentine’s party for singles and the guy she was seeing was there. When we were all watching a movie their heads were touching and they were next to one another. I ran out of the room because I had a little bit of a panic attack and I started balling right when I left. I just couldn’t stay in there. I guess it was hard seeing her with another guy after a couple months of not seeing one another. I was going through a really rough time and she messaged me and asked if I was okay because she noticed I left early. I ddnt respond because I ddnt know what to say. I had to talk to some people about this because it was very hard to hold in. I had muted her on social media because I just couldn’t see her posts with another guy. It still kind of hurts me to see them. I know I grew attached and I feel like I ruined everything the friendship, and what we had. I know there’s no going back to what we had and I don’t see her the same way anymore. It’s hard to see someone you knew happy with another person but you aren’t in the picture anymore. I felt awful because it was my fault and I feel like even with experience this is just who I am. I don’t think I could do the whole ‘no strings attached’ bs because I guess I wanted the whole them not just part of them. I learned a lot from this post even if it was stuff that I ddnt want to hear.
Thanks – I’m glad you found this useful. Sounds like you’ve been through a pretty tough time. That sucks. All I can really say is that it’ll continue to suck for a while, but will eventually pass, and won’t be a mistake you make again.
I don’t know whether it’s just me or if perhaps everyone else encountering issues with your blog.
It appears as though some of the written text on your content are running off the screen. Can someone else please provide feedback and let me know
if this is happening to them as well? This may be a problem with my web browser because I’ve had this happen before.
Appreciate it
What browser do you use?
like a champ
Just hooked up with an incredible woman. I experienced more intimacy and feeling with her in one evening than in 30 years with my ex-wife. I never knew it could be this good. I am divorced. She is married and has been carrying on a long term affair for the majority of her marriage. I guess I am truly casual, nsa, sex. I knew it going in, but the problem is, I’m having a hard time with it. I want to see her again, but I can’t check my emotions at the door. This just sucks.