This is a step-by-step guide to becoming successful with women from the inside out.
Instead of focusing on dumb, sleazy tricks and techniques – this guide takes you through the simple actions and ways of thinking that reorientate you into becoming the most attractive man you can be.
Introduction
When my friend asked me how I’d gone about changing my dating life from kissless virgin to this handsome stud whatever it is I am now, I replied saying it was just a matter of wrapping your head around a single technique:
‘The behavior independence matrix.’
‘That sounds like some bullshit term you just made up.’ He said.
‘Well yeah it is – and I did. But look, this thing works. Once you figure it out it really works.’
And then I told him what it was.
Now there isn’t a guy alive who doesn’t want to become more successful with women. Okay, maybe the Dalai Lama, but other than him I think it’s a clean sweep.
Whether it’s better relationships, more sex, or usually (and unfortunately) more validation – this is something guys devote a lot of thought to.
It’s also usually where they go wrong.
But the art of getting better relationships, a more fulfilling sex life, and more consistent dates, lies exactly in where most guys go wrong.
And where they go wrong is that they cannot separate their behavior from its unhealthy motivations. They’re stuck in a toxic loop of ‘emotion/behavior codependence’ that has them acting needy, creepy, jealous, possessive, manipulative, afraid, and all around train wrecks.
The trick then, is what I explained to my friend: jumping out of this toxic loop into what I dubbed the Behaviour Independence Matrix™. There are other details (and unbreakable rules), sure. And I’ll explain those. But at the heart of it is the behavior.
But more on that later. First, I’ve got to address a few things in order for that to make sense.
How Most Guys Think of Success With Women
Most guys think of success with women as having lots of sex. You see this in relationships where the guy is always trying to get laid (“let me give you a massage, baby”) or in your standard single guy who’s trying to hump anything that moves (go get ‘em, player!).
In short: It’s generally accepted that a guy who gets laid a lot is successful with women. I.e. James Bond.
In my experience, this is just a part of being successful with women. And in fact, it’s more of an outcome of that success than it is the success in itself.
And this basic misunderstanding is what prevents most guys from becoming successful with women.
Now before I dig into the nuts and bolts of what does actually make a man successful with women, I want to do a little Scooby Doo style unmasking on the idea that having sex = success.
As I wrote in my article on pursuing emotional validation, much of men (and women’s) motivation when it comes to pursuing the opposite sex comes from the desire to validate whatever emotional issues they have – typically born in childhood, and typically wrapped up with their parents.
This is what the professionals call Mommy and Daddy issues.
In the case of men viewing sex as success, this is deeply tied to a desire for validation. Sure, sex can (sometimes) be a lot of fun, but it’s also the highest (in a superficial sense) form of validation from a woman. She literally strips off, spreads her legs and puts you inside her.
I mean, you must be doing something right… Right?
The problem is that your emotional issues have nothing to do with sex. And sex doesn’t actually validate who you are. It’s just an activity. And as I’ll explain later, it has a lot to do with luck.
When you see a guy having sex with a lot of women, he isn’t necessarily ‘successful.’ I mean, is he happy? Is he in love? Is he emotionally fulfilled? Is he even enjoying the sex?
What you’re actually seeing is a guy who, to your mind, gets validated more than you. Which, to your mind means that he’s better and you’re worse.
And not only is that complete bullshit, but it’s a pretty fucked up way to view the world and sex in general.
What is Real Success With Women?
Here’s the definition of what it means to become successful with women:
You focus on what it is you want, and what it is you want isn’t motivated by toxic emotional bullshit. Because of this, you take massive risks in your dating life. Sometimes these pay off, sometimes these don’t. You’re fine, and generally emotionally well-rounded either way.
Note how that had literally nothing to do with women and everything to do with you?
Now, sure, some of you might be thinking ‘Yeah, I’d rather have sex.’
And, I mean, that’s fine. Who doesn’t? The horizontal hunka-chunka is a great way to spend an afternoon.
But answer me this:
1) If you continually pursued sex as a form of emotional validation – how do you think you’d do?
2) If you focused on what you want, you managed your need for emotional validation, and as a result, was okay being rejected and taking massive risks in your dating life – how do you think you’d you?
Both might end in sex. But which one would end up with you feeling better, being better, and having an all-around better dating life (in both the short and long term)?
That’d be number 2).
(Unfortunate wording…)
Becoming successful with women has far, far more to do with you than it does to do with sex.
In other words, it’s just self-improvement with a fake nose and mustache on.
I’ve never met a guy who was successful with women whose only goal was to have sex with them. Sure, he might’ve gotten laid more than the average guy, but he was always lacking or pursuing something he didn’t realize.
His need for validation controlled him rather than the other way around.
Every guy wants to have sex, but every guy also has needs for attachment, expression, connection, to say nothing of the basic needs for his own individual life.
The guy who is successful with women ticks off the whole pie, he doesn’t just chase one slice.
How This Guide Works
This guide is going to take you through everything you need to know to become successful with women.
First, I’m going to break down where 80% of your results come from. These are the basic principles that affect everything you do, every interaction you have with women, and the results that you will ultimately get.
I’m going to explain what they are, how they’re developed and practiced on a day to day basis, and how they come together practically.
Second, I’m going to explain how your attitude towards risk greatly affects your results and the number of women that you meet. Whether you’re looking to meet one woman or one thousand, the way you interact with risk and the boldness of your interactions is what counts. This is where 99.99% of guys go wrong. They’re too timid.
Third, I’m going to take you through the unbreakable rules of dating. When it comes to becoming successful with women these are the gold standard. You have to be authentically engaging with these on some level. If you aren’t, the quality and quantity of your results will begin to fall apart.
Last, I’m going to run you through some of the key ideas and realities you need to know moving forward. The rule of abundance, the reality of change your dating life, the easy way to learn how to communicate with women, and the central ‘anchor’ principle you should always return to.
What Engineers 80% of Your Results?
80% of your results with women come from your neediness, your confidence, and the way the two interact. If you’re ever wondering about how to increase your value with women, then before all the usual superficial ways – there’s this.
But while these influence 80% of your results, these are usually the things guys get 100% wrong.
Let me explain…
You Have To Feel Neediness, Not “Beat It”
An excessive desire for validation, approval, attention, recognition, and attraction from women is typically referred to as neediness.
This is a word you’ve no doubt come across before. But here’s the actual reality of neediness:
- It’s normal. Everyone feels it.
- Seriously, it’s normal. You’re not special (snowflake!).
- It’s not about getting rid of it, it’s about feeling and managing it.
You are going to feel over-attached, over-invested, worried about ‘whether she replies’, scared of rejection, and seeking validation.
These are things you’re going to feel every single day. Sometimes you might feel them slightly. Sometimes you’ll feel them so strongly you can’t think of anything else. Other times you’ll forget they’re even there.
Rather than try to stoically ignore these feelings, ‘act like a man’, or pretend they don’t exist – these feelings are natural and normal and something to engage with. Because the more you engage with and manage them, the less they control you, and the less your behaviors will become needy, or worse, creepy.
Because that’s the first point here:
Needy thoughts and feelings do not mean you have to behave in a needy way. It’s your choice whether you act on them.
Real Confidence Doesn’t Start Where You Think
This brings us to confidence.
If your needy thoughts and feelings don’t necessarily control your behavior, then how does this relate to confidence?
Well, confidence is nothing more than the ability to return to what it is you want to do. This means that you:
- Feel needy thoughts and feelings.
- Recognize your needy thoughts and feelings and the actions they’re trying to get you to take. I.e. Harass your ex, check your phone endlessly to see if she’s responded, find the ‘right time to kiss her/call her/ask her out, or avoid rejection at all costs.
- Return to what it is you want to do. I.e. Get on with your work, kiss her/call her/ask her out, embrace rejection.
Confidence begins at feeling neediness, understanding it, and acting counter to its intentions.
It is a calm sense of rationality and desire that sits behind the more turbulent feelings of neediness and it’s desire for validation.
(This idea is deeply tied to Defense Mechanisms which you can read about here. And you really should because they can shit all over you worse than a botched enema.)
The Behaviour Independence Matrix™
The way this all comes together is that your behavior becomes independent of your bullshit feelings and motivations.
Let me draw you an expertly crafted diagram to explain:
2000 hours in Microsoft Paint.
Your neediness, like anyone else’s, exists in a self-perpetuating cycle.
You feel worthless or unloveable so you pursue validation, attempting to control the woman so she validates you, then you become neurotic about your ability to get this validation met, and this only reinforces that you’re worthless and/or unloveable.
And it just keeps on going and going and going.
Woooosh.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re running away from her, avoiding rejection, supplicating to her, or trying to manipulate her.
It’s all the same shit. It’s all part of the same fucked up loop.
The way to break this loop is two-fold. And it all involves what I unnecessarily named ‘The Behaviour Independence Matrix™’. Here’s how it works:
Your behaviors and emotions carry clues to their motivations. In other words, if you’re acting like a freak, chances are, the motivation behind your behavior isn’t all that rosy.
Therefore, the art lies in paying attention to your behaviors and emotions, recognizing that they aren’t as legit as they’re pretending to be, and taking steps to feel and manage them.
This will get you to a place where, although scary and counter to your motivations, you will be able to connect with what it is you actually want to do. Sure, it’ll feel hard, but it’ll no longer seem ‘impossible’ or like the worst thing ever.
This is how you make your behavior independent from your untrustworthy motivations. For example:
Instead of obsessing over the ‘right’ amount of attention to give her, so that you ‘game her properly’, ‘keep her interested’, and make sure she doesn’t ‘see other guys’ – you speak to her when you genuinely want to and don’t have anything more important to be doing.
Instead of trying to figure out if she likes you, find the right moment, or control whether she rejects you – you ask her out because you want to, and you realize you’ll survive if she says no.
Instead of trying to get your ex back, or the attention of any woman who isn’t into you – you shrug your shoulders, move on, and go and find the ones who are.
Make sense?
Don’t Be Like Timid Rick™ – Start Taking Massive Risks
You can do all of the above, but if you’re a Timid Rick™ then you’re going to be shit out of luck.
A Timid Rick™, aside from being a dumb phrase I pulled out of my ass, is a guy who has everything going for him, makes a few proactive moves (an approach here, a date there) but does so without any real sense of desire, aggression, or passion.
As a result, his proactiveness is rare, his moves are restrained, and passion is non-existent.
And all of that adds up to one guy who doesn’t get any extreme responses from his dating life. He just hits the middle of the road.
He never meets women who hate him, sure. But he also never meets women who really, really love him. He never gets shot down when he goes in for a kiss too early. But he also never has nights of intense kissing all the way from the bar to the bedroom. His dating life is okay. It’s normal. By all accounts, it’s working. But it never has any passion.
And here’s the thing:
Rick wants all of these things he doesn’t get. What guy, or hell, person doesn’t? But like most people, he’s too timid to get them.
One of the easiest ways to self-diagnose and improve your dating life is to take a look at the level of risk you’re engaging with, and then push things a little bit further. Because in doing so, you open yourself up to far, far more polarisation, and far, far more rewarding results.
Instead of approaching women who you think are safe, or ‘in your league’, you approach the ones you’re genuinely attracted to, especially if you have no idea whether you could get them. (Spoiler: you can).
Instead of waiting 3000 hours for her to look at you in the right way, and say the right thing so that you’ll know 100% it’s the right time to kiss her – you tap into your feelings, connect to your desire to kiss her, and do it. Regardless if it’s 30 minutes, 15 minutes, or 5 minutes into the date.
Instead of hiding your desire for her because it’s ‘weird’, ‘socially inappropriate’, she might ‘reject you’, or it’s ‘not cool’ – You rock your passion like Antonio Banderas in Zorro. You can keep it under control (and in your pants) sure. But you’re not afraid to show her it’s there.
These are all risks you’re willing to take. And do.
And your success with women is all the better for it.
The 3 Unbreakable Rules of Dating
There are three unbreakable rules when it comes to becoming successful with women. These are:
Be The One Who ‘Fails’ The Most
You cannot become successful with women without being rejected. In fact, the most successful guys are the ones who are rejected the most.
And before you stop yourself and think ‘I could never get rejected, it would be too painful’, stop right there and return to the section on the Behavior Independence Matrix, and the one before that on Mommy issues.
Because embracing rejection is the easiest way to tap into what it is you genuinely want to do and to challenge your limiting beliefs and emotional issues.
You absolutely have to, must, most certainly, without any doubt, get rejected as much and as often as possible. This is another way of looking at playing ‘the numbers game’ which basically refers to the idea that the more women you meet, the more women you’ll get. But the correct way to look at it is to get rejected more than anyone else.
Not only is that how to have lots of women in your life, but it’s how you’ll have the great ones.
That’s rule number one.
You Have To Rigorously Apply Batman’s Superpower
The dating game is fickle and ruled by complete chance. Sometimes it’ll go your way. Sometimes it won’t.
So you gotta be like Batman. And by that I mean, no matter how shitty your life gets, you can’t ever give up.
Nevah!
You’re going to have a lot of ups and downs. But you cannot let the downs get to you or cause you to quit. In fact, you have to do the opposite. You have to consciously and deliberately persist.
I remember getting shot down by a woman at a party, only to meet her a year later and hook up with her. There was another time I kissed a woman who proceeded to tell me she just wanted to be friends, only to hook up with her a month later. And once, a woman in a nightclub shot me down 5 times before she ended up taking me home and dating me for a few months.
In each of these scenarios, the initial rejection sucked. But it had nothing to do with me. They just didn’t feel it at the time, for whatever reason. Eventually, that changed.
Sure, sometimes it won’t. But if you don’t persist you’ll never know.
The One Thing To Always Get Better At
You are as attractive as you allow yourself to be.
I don’t care whether you’re a 5/10, a 6/10, or a 4/10… You can become the 10/10 version of whoever you are.
This is something you should always be doing. No matter what. Whether it’s working out, becoming more disciplined, reading more, or just practicing self-acceptance. It is the most rewarding way to increase dating success because all you’re doing is making your life better.
The Most Common Trap Guys Fall Into
Taking risks and making the choices that you actually want to take makes sense, and will result in the kind of success with women that you want.
However…
There is a problem that seems to occur anywhere and everywhere during this process. And it comes back to those good old emotional issues.
The problem is this: When you don’t have many options in your dating life, you will almost inevitably over-invest in the few options or sole option that you have.
This stems from a number of places. The first, and most obvious, is that you’re simply not interacting with enough women to meet enough that like you. The second is that you don’t believe you have what it takes to attract a lot of women, so you cling on to whatever one you happen to attract. The third is that your emotional need for validation has you over-invest in whatever source of validation it is currently getting.
The result of this overinvestment is that your behaviors are far less likely to be what you genuinely want to do. In other words, that feedback loop from earlier – that’ll be working on overdrive.
This is where you’ll think you’re “in love.”
Now sometimes you will be. I’m not here to shit all over love or anything like that. I’m just here to point out that if you want to become successful with women you need to understand that the number of women you interact with and your ability to internal validate yourself has a HUGE impact on your behavior.
Just as managing The Behaviour Independence Matrix™ helps you resolve those behaviors – the amount of experience and interaction with women that you have helps you resolve them also.
The Short Cut To Better Communication With Women
A lot of guys screw up conversations with women for the same reason they screw up their entire idea of attraction in the first place.
They don’t understand what really counts.
A while back, an older guy asked me if he could still get involved with the dating game. I said sure he could. He then asked me if he ‘had what it took’ to date younger women. Instead of saying sure, I asked him what he meant.
He explained to me that having what it takes meant being good looking, being ambitious, having youthful energy, basically a load of things he wasn’t that great at.
I said to him ‘Yeah, all those things count, but they all come second to how you make her feel.’
That is ultimately what makes you attractive. And when it comes to communicating with women, it’s everything. If any guy talks about how to spit game to a woman and doesn’t discuss this – he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
The feelings are everything. This is how to have game with women.
The more you communicate from an emotional place (I.e. feelings rather than facts), and the more you’re comfortable expressing your emotions (I.e. desire), the more likely you will be to have great interactions with women.
The flirting will come more naturally, you will make yourself more vulnerable and thus share your opinions more, and you’ll be behaving in a far more honest way.
Not only is this inherently attractive, but it actively screens for women on the same wavelength as you. Y’know, the ones that actually like you.
So if you want to take a short-cut to having better conversations with women, it’s learning to get in touch with your emotions. Sprinkle little listening skills on top of that and you’re in the big league’s kiddo.
How Long Does It Take To Become Successful With Women?
The short answer is: How long is a piece of string?
The long answer is: It takes exactly as long as it takes you to genuinely engage with self-improvement, take more risks in your dating life, and most importantly learn to manage your need for emotional validation.
For some guys, this can take as little as a year. For others, it takes 10 years and multiple trips to a therapist.
That’s just the reality. These things don’t change overnight.
This might seem disheartening if you’re at the latter end of that spectrum, but ask yourself this:
Would 10 years of effort be worth it in order to have put real effort into self-improvement, gained genuine boldness, and learned to act from a place independent of your emotional bullshit?
The Most Important Thing To Focus On
Earlier in this guide, I defined becoming successful with women as something that has next to nothing to do with them, but almost everything to do with you. And when you think about it, it makes sense:
The more you improve your life, the more attractive you become.
The more you become okay with vulnerability and expressing your emotions, the more attractive you become.
The more you handle your emotional issues, the better your results will be and the more attractive you will be.
The more you embrace rejection and take huge risks in your dating life, the better your results will be, and the more you’ll enjoy your dating life.
Everything that you’d usually define as “success with women” – dates, sex, a hot girlfriend – all of this is just outcomes of you taking responsibility for your life and sorting your shit out.
So if you’re going to focus on anything, focus on that.
How to Become Successful With Women
At the start of this guide, I explained how separating your behavior from your emotions is one of the most important skills you can learn. It allows you to act from the place you genuinely want to act from, rather than getting stuck in a self-reinforcing loop of toxic thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
When you do that and take a little responsibility for your life, everything (and I mean everything) in dating starts to fall into place.
Your results get better, but also, you care WAY less about the failures. You realize they just aren’t a big deal, and they don’t “confirm” anything about “how much you suck.”
That was just in your head after all.
But improving your dating life can be hard to figure out on your own. It’s not easy to figure out how to get successful with girls – if it was, every young man from the age of 16 onwards would do it.
Here some additional resources to help you:
- The secret to being charismatic
- How to tell charismatic stories
- How to be single
- How sexual arousal works
- How to have casual relationships
Even though I’ve tried to make it as simple as possible in this guide, actually doing it, and knowing which actions to take in real life can be a lot more complicated.
For starters, fear and anxiety will get provoked. You’ll make mistakes (a lot of them). And you’ll build lots of bad habits at the same time as building the good. That’s how trial and error works.
I know because that’s exactly what I and countless other guys I’ve known did.
With this in mind, I developed a video course to help you take the right steps first, avoid the age-old mistakes guys make (spoiler: overcompensating is a big one), and guide you through the four key areas that structure and accelerate your results.
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Photo credit: Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash. Photo credit: Azrul Aziz on Unsplash. Photo credit: adamkontor on Pixabay