LIFE UNCIVILIZED

Dating And Life Advice For Men

Archives for June 2017

Harsh Life Lessons From A Guy Who’s Spent Way Too Much Time Chasing Girls

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IF I COULD sum up this article in a few words it would be this:

It’s not going to happen like you think it will, and it’s sure as shit not going to make you happy.

When we start out trying to change our dating life, what we’re really doing is attempting to upheave our emotional reality and replace it with one that we actually like. We’re trying to take our reflection and replace it with one we enjoy.

And if that sounds miserable, well yeah, it kinda is.

The sad reality about happiness is that when you tie it to a goal, it doesn’t make you happy when you’ve achieved it. It often just makes you end up looking around like someone who’s been given bad directions. However, it is often only upon achieving these goals, that we are freed to realize the goals that we actually value. Y’know, instead of chasing girls, doing something actually worthwhile.

So in an effort to help you give into your temptations, here are a few tips to help you get there even quicker.

1) GETTING ‘GOOD’ AT GAME IS AN EMOTIONAL PROCESS, NOT A LOGICAL ONE

The quicker you come to terms with your neediness, the better and easier your results will be.

When I was younger, I was convinced that ‘game’ was a logical, analytical problem for me to solve. I would view conversations as structured events and sequences rather than interplays of emotion. I would view sexual escalation as something timed and routine rather than something organic and instinctual. I would view lifestyle design as a way for me to bring women into my life, rather than lifestyle design being an extension of my own happiness, and that happiness naturally attracting people. And ultimately, I viewed myself as something to be solved, to be fixed, to be figured out; rather than someone to be understood, empathized with, and brought to life.

I think many guys are like this. They look for the logic in dating; the place to take her, the line to say, the ‘way’ to escalate. They think if they can figure it out then they’ll be fine.

Humans aren’t logical, they’re emotional. Men, in particular, like to believe that they’re free from their emotions, that they’re stoic or present or Zen; but in reality, the people who profess these things are usually the most emotionally influenced of all.

We view dating as a puzzle to be logically solved because we seek to understand what causes us pain. We think if we understand what causes us pain, then we will master it, and we will no longer fear that pain or feel it.

But you can’t out think a feeling, you can just learn to feel it. It’s emotions that got you into this mess, and it’s only emotions that can get you out.

When neediness is destroying our dating lives, the only cure is building a relationship with our neediness; admitting it’s there, feeling it, and learning how to live with and confront that feeling.

When we approach game as a puzzle, we feel neediness and feign confidence. We feel neediness and we drink so we can approach. We feel neediness and we recite our practiced lines, or escalation routines or god knows what else we think we need to do in order to ‘get her’ and placate our emotions. When we feel neediness, we do everything we can to simulate being someone who doesn’t.

But when we confront our neediness itself and build a relationship with who we are; all this stuff takes care of itself*, and stops us letting ourselves be led by our wounds, and instead follow our desire.

2) THE BETTER YOU GET, THE MORE YOU’LL GET REJECTED

Rejection exists to help you find the people who are worth your time.

The biggest thing echoing in the minds of young guys thinking of how to hit on girls is “how do I not lose her?”. This thought, buried with the network of their minds, continues on repeat, from before the interaction, during it, to well into the relationship itself. When, largely due to that thought, their relationship fails, the young guys then seek to heal their neediness through learning how to “never lose her”.

This ambition manifests itself in the ideal of the player. The guy who never gets rejected. What the young guy doesn’t know, however, is that it’s actually the exact opposite.

The better you are, the more you get rejected.

When you’re starting out, you’re so wrapped up in your neediness that you look for ways to avoid rejection and develop into the fantasy version of yourself that never got hurt like the ‘real’ you did. This is a direct symptom of neediness.

But when you’ve developed as an individual, and let go of the desire to prove something to your neediness*, you’ll actually find yourself starting to invite rejection into your life.

Instead of filtering your personality to that you’re more likable, you express yourself unabashed so that more people dislike you, but the ones that do really do. Instead of thinking of the right time, or the right intensity to express your sexuality, you express it unabashed, so you get shot down more, but you find girls who mirror your sexuality quicker, and start having more sex as a result. And most importantly, instead of looking for the right moment to approach a girl, you just approach, because you’re comfortable with awkward moments, and you’re looking for someone who is too.

It was a bit of a eureka moment when I realized that although my results were going up, I was actually getting rejected a lot more, I was far less controlled and far less suave. My interactions had very little in common except that they occurred with more frequency, and I more frequently got rejected.

But I also more frequently met girls who were really into me. And it’s the exact same for you.

3) THE MORE YOU GET REJECTED, THE BETTER YOU’LL GET

Every rejection is a lesson that success will always fail to teach.

Every technique, tip, advice, motivation, blog post, seminar, youtube video or seance you receive that you hope will improve your dating life are completely and utterly useless without experience.

And you better believe it.

Just as you get better, you’ll get rejected more. The more you get rejected, the better you’ll get. Not only will you learn what kind of girls are attracted to you, what kind of girls you are most compatible with, and you have the most rewarding relationships with; you’ll also learn what about you is most attractive, and what’s unattractive. You’ll learn what ‘techniques’ are bullshit, and what works – you’ll learn what works for you, and what cripples you. You’ll learn what’s universal to every interaction*, and what is just random.

Or in other words, the more you get rejected, the quicker you’ll develop your own style. And then you’ll never need advice ever again.

4) IMPROVE THE ELEMENTS THAT ACTUALLY AFFECT YOUR LIFE

The impact of sex on your life is infinitesimally smaller than the impact of your core relationships, your finances, and your career.

When I was younger, getting laid was the single most important factor of my life. It defined my confidence, how I perceived myself, how I believed others perceived me, and it dictated almost all of my actions; positive and negative. But as I got older, and became more experienced, I began to find that getting laid had little bearing on my happiness. In fact, if I was disappointed in my life, getting laid only seemed to magnify that disappointment. It was yet another factor in my life that couldn’t make me feel better.

An unfortunate reality is that if you’re reading this, it’s more than likely that you attribute far too much importance to having sex. But here’s the thing, sex comes from a happy life, it doesn’t make a life happy. And the more you pursue sex as a resource for your own happiness, the more you’ll cast aside the elements that actually influence that happiness.

Your relationships with your friends, your family, and ultimately, the women you’re romantically involved with, are infinitely more rewarding, engaging, challenging and worthwhile to your happiness than having sex. The closer someone is to you emotionally, the more important this relationship is.

Your financial freedom; sorting your spending habits, paying off debt, saving 20% of your income and investing your money wisely, are infinitely (extremely x 100 infinitely) more important to your happiness than anything you will ever encounter in your life. Especially sex. Because something will go wrong; illness, bereavement, debt or a desire to be free – and financial freedom is the resource for all of these things.

Your career is the largest time investment you will ever have in your life. Choosing how you spend this time, and how engaging and stimulating it is, is enormously important to your happiness. If you have a dream of being a partner at Big 4 accounting firm? Knuckle down. If you want to be a writer? Get typing. If you want to be an actor, singer, chef, scientist, magician or cop – put in the work and consciously make decisions that align your career with your enjoyment. Because as much as you hate to admit it yourself – you won’t be spending 40 hours a week getting laid, you’ll be spending it working. So it may as well be something you can enjoy.

Oh, and of course, let’s not forget your health. Because without it, you’re fucked.

As above, sex comes from a happy life, but it doesn’t make a life happy. The irony of my younger self, and a lot of guys I see out there, is that they overlook the true elements in their lives that are making them unhappy (relationships/social life, finances, career, health) and instead look for sex as a way of getting that happiness; rather than improve those elements, they look to sex, but it’s precisely the improvement of those elements that would make them happier, and as result get laid a hell of a lot more.

As any girl with half a brain will tell you: they love a man who’s life is exciting and enjoyable regardless of whether or not she’s in it. This is, in layman terms, the recipe for attraction.

5) NOBODY GIVES A SHIT IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF SEX, AND EVENTUALLY, NEITHER WILL YOU

When you imagine yourself as the person you want to be, you often imagine this person with a high level of esteem, envy, and admiration as reactions from other people. As I’ve written before, this is often a, albeit perceived to be, intrinsic element in our goals; the desire for social esteem and status as a result of our achievement. And when we look to improve our dating lives it is no different. Stemming from our desire to feel ..uh… “unrejectable” we are looking to become someone who cannot feel as we do now; socially and romantically irrelevant. But the truth is a little different.

In reality, nobody cares.

Just as we’re caught in the motivational pull of our emotional needs and the demands of our lives and psychological wounds; so is everyone else. Our self-interest isn’t a trait that is unique to us, but in fact ubiquitous to all. As anyone in sales will teach you: nobody cares what you can do, they only care what you can do for them. Whilst you’d probably imagine becoming some great player would mean you’d be the envy of all men, and the swoon of all women; in reality, most of the people you meet won’t really care. People are more concerned with their own lives, and anyone who’s been where you are and moved on knows what kind of place you’re in emotionally

People will either admire you because they’re inexperienced, or they’ll be more concerned with their own happiness, or they’ll pity you.

Yes, pity you.

Because they will realize, as you eventually will, that having sex will never live up to the idea of it that you’ll have in your head. Your ego will be stroked, sure. But behind that ego, will be a sense of disappointment, of emptiness that once again you haven’t been able to make that feeling go away. That once again, the hot girl hasn’t made you happy.

You’re stuck at an emotional dead end, and to anyone who’s been there, it’s blindingly obvious.

 

*99% of techniques are just hiding your emotional problems, fix the emotional problem and you’ll never have needed the technique in the first place – the techniques just replicate the behavior of someone who isn’t emotionally affected by women

*Read: fuck emotionally damaged women

*And you’ll learn this is making a move. And nothing else.

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WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

Why Do We Continue To Procrastinate? The Real Reasons You Procrastinate — And How To Stop

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AS LONG AS the pursuit of our goals threaten the way in which we chose to perceive ourselves, we will consistently fall into patterns of procrastination in order to stop that pursuit, and protect us from that threat. As long as procrastination remains an emotionally driven experience, any attempt to solve it with band-aid solutions will result in failure.

I do not know why I continue to procrastinate. Logically, it makes no sense. I am well aware, knowing emotionally and intellectually, that the achievement of work is the only thing in my life that seems to bring me consistent, predictable and satisfying happiness. So, therefore, it follows that I would pursue this as my primary pursuit above all others, and given the satisfaction in achieving it, I would never be tempted or led astray from the activity of my work.

But as I am writing this article, you already know that this is not the case. Instead of doing my work and achieving my happiness, I procrastinate.*

Happiness is a unique goal. Rather than something that can be achieved on its own, it is rather something that is achieved as a result of other achievements. It requires a degree of nourishment before it can come into bloom. For some, this is socializing, or connection, or exercise, or winning, but for me, this is only work. Specifically, work dedicated to removing whatever is in my head, and actualizing it in some form; like, for instance, this blog post.

Diagnosed with ADHD at a young age, I’ve often found the world incredibly boring. Travelling lost it’s wonder extraordinarily quickly, dating women eventually blurred into one, and socializing with friends always became, and will always become stifling. Not just inclined to easy boredom, I am also deeply internal, an affliction which I struggled with for most of my life.

In school, this manifested as an inability to understand anything that was being taught to me, as my mind was busy doing something else, and refused to be told what to learn. In socializing, this made conversations excruciatingly painful, littered with shyness and self-consciousness, and a stifling degree of overthinking – something that I still manage to this day.*

This boredom and restless mind, when combined, result in a happiness that is deeply tied to the expression of new thoughts that I have had. When I was stuck in school, struggling to focus, it was because my mind was busy with something else; that something else being having ideas like this one.

PROCRASTINATION

My procrastination, as I have experienced it, is a deeply emotional issue. Prior to writing this article, I took a look at the landscape of posts detailing the same subject. From habits that can prevent procrastination, to environments that facilitate it – every single post left me with a feeling of disappointment. Like I was looking for a cure for the common cold, and instead, all that was explained to me was how to deal with a running nose.

Procrastination seemed like a far deeper issue than they presented; one that was tied to the way we perceive ourselves, and specifically, the way we perceive ourselves within our work. And as a result of this deep tie, any attempt to apply band-aid solutions to the emotion through habit, would only result in short-term, short-sighted fixes, that make for a great list post, but offer little of actual value.

However, before we leap into tackling procrastination, it is important to understand whether we are accurately identifying procrastination itself. Struggled with since the time of the Ancient Greeks, procrastination has often come to be defined as putting off work that needs to be done. This example is largely sufficient when applying it to say, revising for an imminent exam, but it becomes less robust when applied to work that has a less tangible need.

To combat this, I delineate procrastination into three categories: minor procrastination, false procrastination, and true procrastination.

MINOR PROCRASTINATION

Minor procrastination is laziness by any other name. It is the deliberate avoidance of work that is neither enjoyable nor easy, but needs to be done, and is avoided for no other reason than the effort required and the lack of enjoyment. Typically, the procrastination involved will entail low effort, high enjoyment activities such as television or video games.

This procrastination is extraordinarily shallow, and what the majority of procrastination advice seeks to cure. It is a result of poor habits and is amended with better habits – whether that being giving yourself plenty of tasks, working without the internet, goal setting, stimulus control, or leaving areas of high distraction or typical relaxation (like your house).

This procrastination is a matter of training, and if I’m honest, not really a focal point of this article. The trick, if you want advice, is to always get the hardest thing done first, and keep a to-do list every day. If you do those, you will not fail to master minor procrastination.

FALSE PROCRASTINATION

False procrastination is something that is difficult to identify. If we accept that procrastination is putting off work that needs to be done, then false procrastination arises when the nature of work requires a specific amount of thought, or the need of the work isn’t urgent.

I have written about the merits of doing nothing before; that in allowing our minds time to collate information in silence, we give ourselves a far better chance of making creatively inspired decisions. False procrastination is no different. In fact, another name for it might just be thinking.

Some goals require in themselves a degree of procrastination and distraction in order to be effectively actualised. Men such as Tolstoy and Schopenhauer, to the Buddha or Steve Jobs all praised the merits of idleness as a keystone element of work.

In what I think is one of the finer illustrations of false procrastination, Hemingway said that he would write in the morning for a few hours, and once finished, never touch or think of his writing again until the next day, whereupon his rested unconscious would have the necessary material and inspiration to continue.

TRUE PROCRASTINATION

True procrastination, on the other hand, has little do with the necessity or nature of the work, but instead everything to do with the work’s relation to us.

I’m sure you can think of a time when pressed with a deadline, you have sat at your computer screen, doing any other task but the one demanded of you, all whilst being subjected to the ever-present whispering conscience which takes you to task on your procrastination.

“You shouldn’t be doing this”, it repeats.

But ignoring it, you continue.

True procrastination is essential to identify, because it is not a habit, but instead a relation that we have with ourselves, and the engine through which we exert ourselves on the world; our work. This relationship is fundamentally emotional in nature, which is why we feel so disconcerted when we fail to get started on our work.

When I detailed the elements in my psyche that compose the union between my happiness and my work, I did so for a specific reason – I was attempting to show how our self-concept ties to our work. In mine, it is tied to my need to express what I feel. Yours may be similar, or it may be different, but either way, your work is some form of expression of identity. And herein lies the problem.

If work is an expression of our identity, then any issues with our identity will manifest as issues within our work. If we lack confidence, then we will lack confidence in our work; if we are insecure, then our work will be insecure; and if we feel like what we have to express is fundamentally unworthy, because we are fundamentally unworthy, then we will avoid work that seeks to express that, as we believe it will result in us being hurt.

Just as false procrastination can be relabelled as thinking, true procrastination can be relabelled as protection.

True procrastination, unlike minor or even false procrastination, is the kind of procrastination that occurs when you know you want to achieve a goal that is deeply tied to your identity; like your dream of becoming a novelist, or your aspirations of starting a new business. It is within these goals, that the protectionist nature of true procrastination will begin to arise and attempt to prevent you from pursuing what it is you so badly long to do.

THREATS TO IDENTITY

When we hold a dream of ourselves, that we hold to be ‘the real us’, we tie that dream to our identity. When we attempt to pursue that dream, what we are actually doing is attempting to prove that is who we are.

And it is exactly this reason that we procrastinate.

When we believe that ‘the real us’ is a novelist, failing to become a novelist threatens that belief about our identity. It threatens who we think we are. And that’s terrifying. Whether it’s becoming an actor, an entrepreneur, a fighter, a singer, or a moralist; any goal that is deeply tied to who we choose to believe we are also brings with it a terror that we might not actually be that person.

And if we aren’t that person, then who the hell are we? And why were we pursuing something we never were?

It is the certainty of who we are, that exposes us to procrastination. In deeply believing we are something, we expose ourselves to the terror that we might not be.

The solution then would be to not choose to perceive ourselves in any way and to hold no dreams. But I think this is redundant advice. You, like me, have little control over your dreams, but what we can do is scrutinize them. Challenge our motivations, and challenge the way we perceive them.

Procrastination is an emotional issue, with deep ties to our identity. As a result, it can only be handled by understanding that identity and approaching the issue as an emotional one. The more we come to understand why we are deeply connected to our goal of achieving something, the more we come to understand why it’s important to us to achieve it, and the more we challenge these beliefs, and present alternatives – the less we become tied to their actualisation.

When we accept that we are not our goals, but instead our goals are actions we choose to take, we shift our focus on to the actions we wish to take right now, rather than the fear that we might not be who we set out to be. Because it is only when we take those actions, that we get to find out.

*Whilst procrastinating as I wrote this article, I did an online test that told me I was a highly advanced procrastinator and should seek immediate help. Highly offended, I closed the window and started watching cats leap into boxes on youtube.

*Far from being unable to function in normal society, I actually have a fairly active social life and do well at work. But despite this, I still find these things enormously challenging, as my mind is always elsewhere. The mental equivalent of having one lung.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

Here’s The Truth About Being A ‘Player’ – The Sad, Emotionally Stunted Reality Of Your Fantasy

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truth about being a player

IT WAS A sobering moment when I befriended guys who ‘got laid all the time.’ I had formed an idea of who I wanted to be in my mind, an idea that was based around how I wished to behave, the results I wanted to get, and the way people would react to me. This idea, to my mind, would prevent me from feeling what I felt at the time; loneliness, sadness, and shame.

Based on what I felt was lacking within me, this idea took root in the real world as a ‘player’. A guy who got all the girls, and was capable of getting the validation I emotionally needed at the time. For a long time, it was my ultimate fantasy.

Eventually, it came to be something that I outgrew. And a lot of (read: all) the things I learned along the way ended up on this blog and in my Complete Dating Course. (Which is 8-hours of video lessons and exercise goodness, alright, alright back to the article).

The truth was that like any fantasy when it came to my idea of the ‘player’ – reality had its ugly way with it. 

THE PLAYER

I was sat in a hostel in South East Asia, talking with a guy who had an exceptional ability with women. When we went out, he’d almost always bring one home. He’d talk to them in bars, the club, the street, everywhere. When I asked him about his life, he always had stories littered with women. In fact, it seemed his stories never ran out. He’d experienced everything.

But despite this, something always seemed off.

Halfway through his latest story, probably about some South American threesome, or that stripper he took home, I asked him if he’d ever had a long-term relationship. He said he had, then continued on with a story, probably about an air hostess. He was smiling and happy, but his body language screamed at me that he had avoided the question. So later I asked him again.

And I noticed a pattern.

When he talked about his Ex, it was stories about how she wasn’t over him, how whenever he went home she would jump at the chance to make herself available, how he felt sorry for her and sorry for the guy she was with. When he talked about his Ex, he made a point of illustrating how she knew she had lost out, because, clearly, he was such a great guy.

It was a pattern of details, of attention; where he always seemed to find a way to illustrate how desirable he was, and how hopeless women were without him. And it didn’t just pervade the stories of his ex, I came to realize it occurred in every story he told and everything he did.

It was one of those points in a conversation where the connection between you breaks, and you realize, despite the apparent similarities, that this is someone who is different to you on a fundamental level. He needed me to know his Ex regretted losing him. He needed girls to want to sleep with him and he needed me to know girls wanted to sleep with him. Because, at the base of it all, he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to himself. He needed all these things.

He was consumed by his need for validation.

THE NEED FOR EMOTIONAL VALIDATION

Despite the attention he got, the lifestyle he had, and the confidence he walked around with – there was something oddly hollow about him, something pitiable. I saw in him everything external that I wanted, but at the same time, nothing that I wanted internally. He was a man at once propelled by his confidence and ability, whilst at the same time, stunted by his malformed emotional needs, which he constantly had to placate with validation. Inside, he was just as needy as I was when I had started. He was just as needy as a guy who couldn’t get laid.*

Despite his results, he was everything I was trying to run away from.

Befriending guys like this, I eventually became disillusioned with my fantasy. The reality wasn’t a life I wanted, and it was a life that seemed to trap a lot of men. No ‘player’ seemed to have made it out the other side. Far from being immune to the pains that had driven me to seek validation from women, these men had been consumed by it. But what’s worse is that whilst they got laid all the time, they never, ever got the kind of girl who was impressive in her own right (confident, self-assured, and with her shit together). Instead, they had just become really good at gaming emotionally needy women. Because they were so emotionally stunted, all they could attract were emotionally stunted women.*

Both of them, locked in some need for validation from one another.

Right before my eyes, the James Bond fantasy became unmasked like some Scooby Doo episode as the babyish, emotionally immature fantasy that it always was. It turned out to be a life I didn’t want; and more importantly, a weak man that I never wanted to become. 

THE REALITY OF MOST ‘PLAYERS’

A lot of guys find it hard to move beyond this need for validation. Hell, I still do too, even though I actively try to avoid it. The truth though, is that this lifestyle, without exception, has appeared in my life as something entirely without merit. Aside from a basic ability to confront anxiety, this lifestyle is usually an indication of an innate inability to confront something about oneself. 

This, of course, is not to say that being promiscuous is bad. It is only to say that your attachment to the idea, and any attachment to the idea you see in others – is almost always a bad sign. A sign that you or they are emotionally stuck, and going to stagnate.

When we let go of the hunger for validation, we invite into our lives a quality of emotional living that rewards us with enriched opportunities from life. If we truly value our development over our need for validation, then the outcome we invite is that we live lives that are in a constant state of growth. Instead of feeling we need to be someone, we organically become someone.

Instead of telling people stories to enhance our ego, we tell people stories that add something to their lives. Instead of learning how to attract a certain kind of woman, we naturally attract the kind of woman who is right for us.*

With the rise of online dating, the shallowness of relationships has never been higher. Any guy with decent photos and a lick of confidence can become a ‘player’. But in becoming this player, he inadvertently confines himself within a sphere of emotional growth. It’s never been easier to get validation, but it’s validation that we should be wary of. Because looking outside yourself for fulfillment, in itself, stops you as soon as you get it.

Instead of aspiring to become another fantasy, hold your emotional richness as a benchmark for your own achievement. Look to overcome your fear, enhance your happiness, expand your comfort zone and diversify your identity. Instead of becoming a fantasy that exists to get you validation from women, become a fantasy that exists to make your life more fulfilling.

Because when you do, the women will come, and instead of being limited by it, you’ll be all the better for it.

—

*I still see this same guy posting pathetic and ill-veiled updates on Facebook talking about how he’s newly single and ready to go wild. As if anyone cares and it isn’t blindingly obvious this is just to make his Ex jealous.

*If this is something you’re into, go for it. Personally, I’ve always found it unfulfilling, boring, and not much of a rewarding challenge.

*Unsurprisingly, the kind of woman who could lock us down.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

Rejection Is Your Best Friend – How To Attract Women Who Are Genuinely Into You

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I SPENT MOST of my youth chasing relationships that were destined to crash into a screaming shit-heap, only for me to brush myself off, sniff-out another disaster, and head careening straight for it.

Like anyone else in those situations, I blamed it on luck. I was never one of those who outwardly said “I’m unlucky in love”, but inwardly, I was one of those who said “I’m unlucky in love”, whilst nursing a pot-noodle and watching sobbing re-runs of Titanic.

Whether it was a short, medium or long-term relationships, there seemed to be something about me that was preventing me from having the kind of relationship I actually wanted. Y’know, the fulfilling, exciting, supermodel one. Everything I ended up with was some measure of half-enthusiastic, halfheartedness, leaving me in a constant state of chasing someone who wasn’t really that into me.

It was a drag.

Our relationships in life say a lot about who we are as people. In his masterpiece, Anna Karenina, Tolstoy wrote “all happy families resemble one another. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I believe this is the same for a successful relationship, only in reverse. There is an essential element to relationships, that, depending on how we approach it, is either our best friend or our worst enemy. And it is our approach to this element that determines not only the initial success of the relationship but also the continued success of the relationship.

That element is rejection. And how we approach it determines everything.

THE MODEL OF ATTRACTION

When we attempt to meet new people in order to pursue a short or long term relationship, we will typically find ones we are physically attracted to and seek to win their attraction, approval, and interest.

This model of relationship building is the auto-pilot default of human mating, and it’s off shoots lie in the realms of flattery, coercion, fakery, supplication, approval seeking, disingenuousness, and pandering.

This model is engaged with, not just with the outcome of a relationship in mind, but more so because of the awareness of the obstacle that is present in the pursuit of that relationship: that is, the potential rejection.

Everything done in the attempt to win the approval of the one we’re attracted to is a direct effort to counteract and avoid this rejection. But this rarely results in the outcome we want.

I’ve written in other articles explaining how this behavior is unattractive in itself. So by approaching a woman we’re attracted to in this manner actively makes them less attracted to us. We’re making deliberate strides to shoot ourselves in the foot. But more importantly, the results we receive from this kind of pursuit are either empty-handedness or worse, we’re left with someone who we have convinced to be somewhat interested in who we have wanted them to perceive us as. Instead of leaving us with someone who likes us, avoiding rejection either leaves us rejected for being unattractive, or with someone who likes someone we aren’t.

THE COUNTERINTUITIVE APPROACH

The opposite to this approach is simple.

We aim to get rejected.

A running theme in my articles is this: “find the cause of the shitty results in your life and do the opposite.” Tired of working hours on something and getting nowhere? Spend a day doing nothing at all and watch the creative spark detonate. Bored of your life and its unfulfilling routine? Replace your external environment piece by piece, and watch that life change before your eyes.

In dating my advice is no different. When avoidance of rejection leaves you alone or in unsatisfying, broken relationships; the answer is to start inviting rejection into your life.

When I met my ex-girlfriend for the first time, I was overwhelmed with an awareness of my own behavior and the risks that my behavior posed to the potential relationship (read: sex) that loomed over the horizon. However, far from being introspective, I was instead hyper-aware of her and simply reacted accordingly. Unbeknownst to her, she was the hand on my marionette. The elements of my personality that were incompatible with her I simply kept hidden. Unsurprisingly, the result was two people, who although they liked each other, always struggled to make their relationship work.*

It turned out that in looking to not get rejected, I had rejected the possibility of a great relationship from my life. Leaving only a broken one.

We avoid rejection because we don’t like what it says about us. It says we aren’t good enough, it says we aren’t worthy; and we avoid it because worst of all, it feels like it’s validating what we already know; that we’re unlovable and destined to be alone. When our self-esteem is vulnerable, we avoid blows from rejection as if they were physical wounds. But as a result of this avoidance of rejection, we simultaneously avoid the very thing that will develop and strengthen our self-esteem; being accepted for who we really are.

When we avoid rejection by altering how we behave, what we tolerate and what we want to do, we actively reject ourselves from ever being accepted for any of those things. In other words, we stop ourselves from ever being liked for just being ourselves.

If someone rejects you for who you are, this is someone who you would never have a fulfilling relationship with. If someone accepts you for who you are, this is someone you would have a fulfilling relationship with by doing virtually nothing. This is, incidentally, why the majority of my pickup advice is: develop yourself, make a move.

DEEP REJECTION

If we actively avoid rejection out of a desire to be loved, it can be reasoned that we believe we are unworthy of love as we are, and therefore we aren’t just avoiding rejection from them; but we are actually doing far worse:

We are rejecting ourselves.

When we accept a relationship with someone who has a middling response to us, we are accepting that as the life we want and we are accepting that as the relationship we deserve. The truth of rejection is that we are rejecting ourselves before anyone else ever has the chance to.

This mismanagement of priorities comes from an inability to understand what makes us happy. When we believe a relationship will make us happy, we will actively pursue any relationship. When we feel we need validation in order to be happy, we will seek people’s approval at any cost.

The longer we remain trapped in a web of toxic motivation and needy behavior, the longer we will avoid rejection and shut ourselves off from rewarding relationships. The onus then is on ourselves to take responsibility for our approach to relationships and rejection.

LETTING GO

The simplest way to start getting the quality of relationships you truly want in your life, whether that be short term flings or long, fulfilling intimacy, is to start letting go of the desire to not be rejected.

Accept that it’s there, acknowledge it, then do the opposite. The more you develop an awareness of the ways in which you are avoiding rejection, and adjust your behavior accordingly, the more you open yourself up to meeting great people. Letting go of your avoidance of rejection isn’t about not feeling a desire to avoid it, it’s about recognizing that desire when it occurs, and in the many ways it occurs, and acting in spite of it.

This might be anything from not approaching her, to not speaking your mind, to not being as physical as you feel like you want to. Anything.

In a question, this process would ask: “Am I rejecting myself right now?”

Let’s say you want to get laid in a nightclub. The most likely person to sleep with you is a sexually active, attracted girl, who is comfortable with her sexuality. By actively being upfront and direct about your intentions and sexuality, you screen out girls who aren’t into you or comfortable with their sexuality, and you actually invite a girl into your life who views sexuality the same way you do. By getting rejected more, you have more sex. Go figure.

At the opposite end of the scale, in long term relationships, you are far more likely to meet someone who genuinely likes you for who you are if you are accepting rejection from people who don’t like you for you are. Instead of trying to ‘get back in touch’ with the ex who doesn’t want you, or trying to win over the girl who isn’t that interested, you accept the rejection and move on to people who are actually interested, genuinely invested, and much more capable of falling in love with you.

When you let go of your need to avoid rejection, you free yourself to start seizing opportunities; the more you get rejected for who you actually are, the faster you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who are interested and invested in who you are.

A LIFESTYLE OF REJECTION

The more we invest in who we feel need to be in order to be loveable, the more we invest in rejecting ourselves. Rejection doesn’t just lie within our behaviors around others, but in the very way we live our lives.

If we feel that we need to earn money in order to be worthy of love; we will devote all our efforts to pursuing that in the hope that we’ll get our needs met, all whilst simultaneously ignoring any germ of true personality that lies within us. If we feel we need to be funny and charming in order to be liked, we will smooth over moments of natural tension in interactions and destroy any spark that could have taken life.

When we fail to develop our lives and develop the richness of diversity and opportunity that exists within its potential; we reject ourselves from meeting a broad variety of people that would match us.

If we pay attention to finding the gold within us – maybe our desire to get into politics, or our desire to blog and travel, or our love of Japanese Anime, rugby, wrestling, classic literature, black and white cinema, hardcore clubbing or break dancing – we naturally give ourselves a compass which we can follow to find those who suit us best.

GENUINE DECISIONS FOR GENUINE RESULTS

Taking responsibility for our relationships means taking responsibility for the emotional reality in which our decisions with the opposite sex are made. In order to have the kind of relationships, sex life, and connection that we desire, we have to confront our own motivations and our approach to our identity.

Because if we’re acting from a place that rejects us before anyone has had the chance to, then those relationships will never come into being. Not only is this unsatisfying but it leaves us in a state of self-reinforcing emotional limbo. Every time we invest in someone who isn’t really into us, we invest in that part of ourselves that tells us we aren’t enough.

The problem with a results orientated mindset is that it prevents us from seeing what actually gives us the results we want. In relationships, this is enormous. Good relationships don’t start with a relationship, they start with someone who has a good relationship with themselves.

Before you look outwards, you have to look inwards, or you’ll never allow anyone to genuinely love you for who you are.

 

*Basically had a young, dumb relationship like anyone else.

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Here’s Why You Need To Start Meeting Women During The Day

by ·

THE MORE each generation becomes digital, the less men are learning to confront their anxiety and pursue women they’re attracted to. After all, why confront uncomfortable feelings when you can simply swipe from the comfort of your mobile phone? Why develop an ability to build connection and attraction out of that initial awkward stage of the meeting, when you can just comfortably chat behind a messaging app?

I say this not to judge those who do, but to genuinely pose the question.

Why would you?

COMPETITION

Aside from a deeply felt desire, there aren’t many reasons, and online dating makes more sense within the confines of people’s lives. This is only going to become more and more prevalent.

But it is precisely the answer to this question that makes approaching girls during the day so incredibly beneficial.

Where most men shy from their anxiety, you instantly differentiate yourself as someone who doesn’t. Where most men take a passive approach to their desire, you take an active one. Where most men are scared of her, you aren’t.

The answer why is because you’re inherently attractive.

When I’ve written about attraction in the past, I’ve argued is has everything about what you do and why you do it, specifically, that you act from a place of your own desire, and not from a desire to appear attractive to her.

Instead of preening your photos online, you actively put yourself in uncomfortable, often awkward situations, simply because it’s what you want to do.

And not only is this is attractive behavior, it’s magnified by the fact that no other guy does this.

SOCIAL PRESSURE

When writing about the benefits of meeting women at night, I discussed how the ego suffers twin blows as a result of rejection. The first comes from the blow dealt to the self, usually in the form of an external validation of an internal limiting belief, i.e a rejection from a girl validating your lack of self-worth. The second comes from the humiliation of social embarrassment. And this fear is so prevalent, it’s why so many people desperately crave not giving a fuck. This is why some guys have to do press ups in public in order to even be able to approach during the day. It’s why I find it far easier to approach in a foreign country than I do back home.

It’s one of those fears that sits right in the DNA. Nobody likes to get shot down in front of other people.

When talking about bars and clubs, I stressed that the strength of venues themselves was the fact that they offer an inherent element of anonymity, that, in a way, protect you from much of the social embarrassment. Nobody knows who you are or who you know, and they’re far more concerned with themselves.

And because of this, you should embrace the opportunity.

But when meeting girls during the day, this can feel like less of the case.

Whilst it’s true that as with bars in clubs, in the day time nobody knows who you are, or who you know and they’re far more concerned about what they’re doing; what you are doing is also far more social abnormal and uncommon.

And you, and everyone else is aware of this.

And because of this heightened state of social abnormality, the true fear of meeting girls during the day doesn’t come from rejection, but instead from embarrassment, of being seen doing something that is socially inappropriate and uncommon.

I state this because half the battle with dealing with fears is the ability to correctly label them. Sometimes a spade is a spade; and in this instance, you’re afraid to talk to girls during the day because you don’t want to be laughed at.

It’s the same fear that exists at bars and clubs but magnified, as it sits outside of the social conventions of the aforementioned venues.

It is crucial to understand this not just because of correctly understanding and managing your fears, but chiefly because you need to understand that talking to women as they go about their day to day lives is so uncommon that it can sometimes be threatening.

DROP THE GAME

The rule with meeting girls during the day is:

“Less is more.”

The reason for this is empathy. If you walk up to a girl during the day, the first reaction she’s going to have is one of startled confusion. She’s likely been walking around, stuck in her head, or blasting music into her ears, and suddenly, some guy’s shown up out of nowhere and started speaking to her. She’s going to be thinking ‘who is this guy? is he a threat? what does he want?’ and she’ll probably, like you, feel embarrassed.

This is why you should lay off with anything remotely out of the ordinary. Be plain, hell, even be kind of boring. After all, you’re already doing something that stands out, if you continue to add more layers of standing out, it just begins to overflow, overwhelm and end with you wiping out.

It’s not necessary.

But more importantly than this, one of the greatest benefits of meeting women during the day is that it shows you how little you have to do to have the dating life you want to have. More often than not, you just have to show up.

JUST BE DIRECT

As above, her startled and anxious state is going to lead her to question why on earth you’re speaking to her. Are you a tourist? Are you a creep? Are you gonna try and convert her to Mormonism?

She has no idea. So not only is she startled, she’s also confused and she need’s context. What is this interaction about? What do you want?

You solve this, by, funnily enough, telling her. You wanted to meet her, you thought she was cute – whatever. Make it up. As long as it’s true and provides a clear context, that’s fine.

As above, the benefit to doing this is that it involves substantially backing your own desire, and not leaning into that voice that tells you that need to do something in order to get her.

No, you just show up and put yourself on the line.

SELF-RESPECT

Whether or not you have an inherent interest in improving your dating life, it remains the case that approaching women you’re attracted to is one of the best and most effective ways of building self-respect and self-confidence that there is. Beyond any external results, internally, you will be honoring your most powerful instinct, and honoring your own self-worth.

This is, incidentally, why most guys find it so hard. On top of their issues with social embarrassment, they also have lingering issues of self-worth. And whilst I recommend confronting these issues of self-worth through therapy and self-reflection, the simplest way to smash through the plateau and improve the baseline of your self-worth is to engage with exactly what it tells you not to engage with.

As with attraction, approaching has less to do with them, and everything to do with you. At the beginning of this article, I asked why men would confront anxiety and approach women when they could just sit at home and swipe from the comfort of their phone.

The answer, it turns out, is simple. You’d do it for yourself. Because you respect your desires, acknowledge your worth, and don’t want to succumb to your fear and vanity. You don’t just want more from life, you can more from yourself.

So next time you catch yourself questioning whether you should – ask yourself this:

Why wouldn’t you?

 

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It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

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The Guide To Nightlife – A Simple Method To Making Bars and Clubs Your Bitch

by ·

SHE WAS the first girl I’d ever picked up from a nightclub. I had found myself on my own at one of those clubs with sticky floors, with nothing better to do than move with the music to enjoy myself. My friends were long gone, but I had stayed in the hope that something would happen. I’d given up on approaching, as that night I just didn’t feel like I had the guts, so instead, I worked my way right into the center of the dance floor, and well, danced.

I figured I may as well have fun.

She was blonde, about 5’6 and had shimmering silver tights on. She swayed her hips with confidence and moved with a comfort in the environment that I envied. Beside her danced a bent over figure, his wide eyes glued on her. She didn’t seem to give him any notice. If it wasn’t for her pants I wouldn’t have seen her. The lighting was terrible and the venue was overstuffed. Every few seconds they blasted out thick clouds of vapor onto the dance floor and the dancers on drugs tried to catch it in their fingers.

At the time I was in my head, doing my best to get into my body. I figured that might make something happen. I was feeling the music reverberate through my body, and looking at the mess of fingers creep through the smoke as green lasers shot down from the roof. Everyone was illuminated in a green fog; it was like we were being abducted. I stared up at the shining green and laughed at what a surreal place I was in; and when I looked down, she was staring straight at me.

I paused and looked back at her. Something was said without words and I thought “fuck it”, walked straight towards her.

– – –

At some point in his life, every guy wants to pick up a girl from a bar or club. He’s out with his friends, passing by, or maybe even working there. He might love nightlife, or he might hate it, or just feel completely uncomfortable there. No matter what the situation, the reality is the same throughout; he’s going to see a girl he’s attracted to, and he’s going to want to speak to her.

The question in his mind is, how?

THE ENVIRONMENT

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a bar or club, nightlife is an assault on the senses and an assault upon your anxiety. Not only are you bombarded with lights, sounds and hundreds of people; but everyone is on edge, and nobody is really that comfortable.

One of the biggest myths for guys starting out in game is that they’re the only ones who feel uncomfortable. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The reality is that the vast majority of people find bars and clubs incredibly uncomfortable places. They make them feel exposed, and they find it extremely difficult to have fun in these venues. They go there simply because it is the norm. The same social pressure that makes the night unenjoyable for them, is the same social pressure that led them to go in the first place.

The trick to getting into the element of these venues is simple. You embrace the assault.

EMBRACING THE SUCK

Nightclubs and bars, when you first walk in, are not particularly inviting, and offer an assault of potential threats to your self-esteem. But it is precisely this assault that frees you from it being an assault.

The more you walk towards the thing that you feel is assaulting your sense of identity, the more you realize how little power it has over you, and the less it can assault you; which leaves you free to engage with your environment as you please.

This can be done by being as social as you can with as many people as possible. Talking at the bar, talking to the staff, the bouncers, the guy in the toilet who sprays you with too much aftershave. Whoever. The point is that you get out of your skin.

It’s easy when you’re feeling down in the dumps to only focus on the outcome you want, but what few guys realize is that it’s the process of pursuing that outcome that actively gets them out of their head, and more likely to achieve it.

You don’t need to be killing it from the second you walk in, all you need to do is start being as social as you can, to whatever degree that you can. Even if that’s just asking the time. The more you do this, the higher your baseline of ‘rock bottom’ will be. Initially, your baseline may even find asking the time hard, but eventually, through effort, your anxious baseline can become going up to the best looking woman in the venue and introducing yourself.

But it only comes from embracing the suck.

STRENGTHS OF THE ENVIRONMENT

If you’re anything like me, then being rejected fucking sucks. In the last few years, I’ve been shot down by:

  • Being told I’m ugly
  • Being told I’m not her type
  • Being told she’s not into white guys
  • Being told I’m gay
  • Being told I’m annoying
  • Being told I’m boring
  • Being told I’m an asshole
  • Being told I’m too nice
  • Being slapped
  • Being told nothing at all, and simply ignored as if I’m not there

I didn’t enjoy any of them. Not only did they shit all over my self-esteem, but they were also pretty embarrassing. Going up to a girl in front of a bunch of people only to be told I’m an ugly, boring, homosexual isn’t exactly my idea of a great night out. In fact, it’s just humiliating.

Over time, however, what I discovered was that being rejected for the reasons above, whilst they weren’t nice, I ultimately didn’t care; but what I did care about, was being seen by other people as I was rejected.

I hated that. And I think, for a lot of guys, that’s what they hate too.

It’s not their ego being bruised by the girl, it’s their ego being bruised by everyone watching.

But here’s the thing. In a bar/nightclub, nobody can really tell what the fuck is going on. Nobody can hear anyone else’s conversations, nobodies paying attention to you (because they’re too caught up in their own ego), and they don’t know which people you do and don’t know there, and they sure as shit don’t know who you are.

In other words, it’s all in your head.

And that’s exactly how it was for me. Unlike getting rejected within your social circle, or on the street, or at a dance class – bars and clubs are actually some of the few venues where the anonymity and frankly, surreal fucking nature of the places work in the favor. Contrary to what your anxiety tells you about how dangerous rejection is, getting rejected in a nightclub or bar is probably the safest rejection you’ll ever get. There’s just so much less of you exposed.

Embrace it.

FUN AS A MEASURING STICK

Despite their discomfort and anxiety, people ultimately go to these venues in order to have fun; and the likelihood that you’ll succeed at meeting women within these venues goes up considerably the more fun you’re having.

Yes, you still have to approach a lot – but if you’re approaching girls who are having fun at a nightclub, and you’re not enjoying yourself, all you’re doing is cramping someone’s style.

It’s a drag, and to be honest, you shouldn’t really be there.

Let me repeat that.

If you aren’t in a bar or club looking to have a really good time, why the fuck are you there?

Are you an alcoholic? Is that why?

Because if you’re looking to meet and sleep with girls, you’ll probably have a better chance meeting them during the day, as you’ll stand out a lot more, and can be in whatever mood you please.

If you’re in a bar or club for the sole reason of hooking up, not only are you badly misspending your energy, you’re also acting from a place that’s telling you that you need to do something, rather than doing what you want to do.

Because if you’re not having fun at a nightclub, you’re going to a place you don’t enjoy, to listen to music you don’t like, all just to get a girl. And that’s pretty pathetic.

If you’re already treating her as more important than your own happiness and enjoyment, before you’ve even fucking met her, then you can rest assured that you have learned nothing.

HOW TO APPROACH

What I learned when I made my first approach, has been something I’ve returned to frequently in the years since. And it’s a simple principle.

There’s no getting, there’s only doing.

When I was dancing there, on my own, feet half stuck to the floor, I had no real goal. I was, in my anxious state, hoping for something to happen, but unable to actually pursue it. I wasn’t really attached to an outcome. So I just tried to get out of my head. Ironically for me, it was on this night, that something did actually happen. The pretty girl looked at me. So I walked up and said hi. And a little later, I told her I thought she was cute.

A few years ago, when I started to become invested in the idea that I could “pick up girls”, I focused a lot of my attention on what I wanted to get from others in the venue around me. I would bounce around the club, trying out lines on girls, or approaching, and never once stopping and actually trying to enjoy myself. To actually have fun. And as a result, my results suffered.

The more I chased something I wanted to get, the less I actually got what I was chasing.

Eventually, getting tired of being another headless chicken bouncing between girls, I sat down and decided to pay attention to what I had actually learned over the years. And it turned out, the lesson was simple. In fact, it was the same lesson game always teaches:

Chase yourself, and other people will chase you.

When I invested in my own enjoyment, girls would begin to take interest in me; and after that, all I had to do was say hi, and tell them they were cute.* That was it. Instead of trying to turn the night into a pickup, it was the fun I was having in my own skin that turned the night into a pick up on its own. All I did was make a move.

And it’s exactly the same for you.

*If you want a goal to set yourself, let it be that. Say hi, and at some point tell her she’s cute. Then you can leave if it goes bad, or stay if it goes well. Nothing more, nothing less.

Liked this article? Help me make an impact, and share it on social media. Just click one of the icons at the bottom or top of the page. Thanks!

And make sure to subscribe to never miss a post, or alternatively, like me on Facebook, so you’re always up to date on the latest content.

If there’s anything in this article you want to go in more depth on, or you just want to get in touch – drop me a message here! It’s completely free.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

How To Get Your Dating Life Back On Track

by ·

“IT’S OKAY to take a break.”

That’s the first thing I’d say to anyone who is, like I was, trapped within the anxiety of feeling like they have to continuously hammer away at the demands of their dating life.

I have argued in other articles in favor of the merits of hard, continuous work, and consistently meeting the demands associated with that work, in order to meet a goal. I argued that when those demands, in their entirety, are continuously met that the results sought will be continuously achieved and exceeded provided chance doesn’t deal you misfortune.

However, I feel that dating is the exception to the rule.

I have written many times that dating is an emotional process. That the more you learn to accept yourself, let go of your neediness, manage your emotions and confront your anxiety; the more your dating will burst into life. In my own, and many other lives, this has proven to be true. What has also been proven to be true is that the more consistently you engage with those elements that bring your dating life into bloom, the greater your results and the quicker your development. On top of this, with the same speed that your results are brought into being – when the demands cease to be met, the results can just as swiftly be taken away.

Therefore, it would make sense that if your goal is to improve your dating life, then you should devote as much time and energy to it as possible.

But this is not the case.

Dating is an emotional process, and because it is an emotional process, the desire to engage with it frequently in order to gain results as fast as possible isn’t actually as beneficial as you would initially think.

When we pursue an emotionally charged goal, it pays to keep a close eye on the emotion that underpins it.

If you feel that you need to keep hammering your dating life in order to not slip back into the person you were, the lack of results you used to get, or a general fear of ‘not being able to do it again’, then your desire to pursue an improved dating life comes not from a place of self-acceptance and desire, but instead from a place a self-hatred and fear.

In which case, your entire pursuit is self-destructive in the first place. You have tripped over the first hurdle, and what you are doing is not growing, but applying a band-aid as often as you can.

JUMPING OFF THE ROLLERCOASTER

There are three reasons that the pursuit of dating usually loses steam:

  1. The confidence is not there.
  2. The time is not there.
  3. The desire is not there.

In the case of 1, then the issue is to do with the psychology of the individual themselves, and the emotional reality from which they operate. In this case, a break would be necessary in order for them to explore the issues that are preventing them from taking consistent action. Pursuing dating when you haven’t developed a study psychological foundation from which to develop can often lead you to be unable to take action, or unable to properly process rejection and failure, which is only more damaging than if you’d done nothing in the first place.

In the instance of 2, this is perfectly acceptable, and any emotional healthy man would accept this, and live his life accordingly. In my own life, my dating life had to reduce significantly because I moved home to take care of a loved one. When I did go out, my results were less frequent, my confidence less on point, and I was generally not as comfortable. And I accepted this, as there were simply more important things in my life. Maybe it’s work, maybe it’s traveling, maybe it’s someone in need. Dating won’t always be (and shouldn’t be) the most important part of your life.

In the case of 3, the desire not being there is usually a result of an issue within your life, or simply a case of the validation being met. Many guys chase girls relentlessly until they finally get laid, and then lose all motivation for a while only to return later. This is usually to do with their biological motivations. And guess what, that’s fine. You don’t always have to be having sex. All that matters is that when you genuinely want to, you can. The flip side to this is losing motivation because of lack of confidence, as addressed above, or because of poor health, or a lifestyle that is too stressful.

In each of these cases, a break to reassess and find your feet makes perfect sense.

But once you’ve taken a break, and are keen to get back into the swing of things, how do you either go from zero to something or rediscover something you used to find so simple?

THE VOLUME PROBLEM

When your results suck, the easiest way to repair this is to start investing time into going out, and hitting on girls. The more girls you hit on, the better your dating life will be. This principle, whilst should never be taken as a reason to not take a break, is precisely the principle that will recover you quickest from a break.

There is no faster method.

But it’s never that simple.

When you haven’t been actively going out and hitting on girls, it very quickly becomes a lot harder to go out and hit on girls. Like a muscle that hasn’t seen exercise in a while, your ability to back yourself and approach women becomes weaker, but unlike muscles, this decrease is usually quite severe and quite quick to take effect.

Fortunately, it comes back ever quicker.

WORSHIP THE BASELINE

Yeah! Feel motivated!

When I was an eighteen-year-old kid starting university, my first nights out were fraught with anxiety. In fact, to describe them as anything less than terror-stricken experiences would be under selling how difficult I found them. I never used to enjoy social situations at the best of times, especially not with women (with whom I had zero experience), and as a result, I did everything I could to avoid, distract, overcompensate or run from the reality of talking to girls. My baseline ability was that I simply could not talk to them, or initiate any kind of sexual interaction.

It wasn’t something I could do.

We all have baselines of ability, the lowest point of which we are capable. We usually operate above this, but when out of practice, we will return to our baseline level of ability. This is true of anything; sports, video games, coding, writing, game, anything.

What is also true is that this baseline is not permanent, and never gets worse. As our experience and practice increases, and our operating level and results increase, so too, behind the scenes, does our baseline.

In our dating lives, men are criminal offenders when it comes to results orientated mindsets, and in pursuing their peak operating level. That one time they were really ‘on it.’

Most pursue this with alcohol.

I believe this is the wrong way to look at it.

When we focus on the peaks of our operating levels, we are chasing something that is often the result of countless external factors, that, through random chance, cumulated into conditions where we were psychologically operating extremely well. Not only is this chasing something that is out of our hands, it is building a dependency on something that is out of our hands. Which is a fools game.

In contrast, our baselines exist as what our minimum potential is. The lowest we can possibly achieve. If our highest operating level is that we can approach a hot girl directly, our baseline might be making indirect idle chit-chat at the bar. This is the level, that no matter how long our break is, that our minimum level of potential will be, and when engaged with, begins to bring our peak operating levels into life.

Because as you’ll find, you only operate at your minimum for a very short period of time.

After years of slowly building my confidence and self-worth, I am no longer the frightened teenager I used to be. My baseline has changed. Not to anything special, like I can walk up to women and charm the pants off them. No, simply because where I used to be incapable of doing anything, now, my absolute minimum is that I can approach anyone. No matter how out of practice I am, that’s always there for me to fall back on.

I’m not Casanova, but I am capable.

And that’s all I focus on. Not what I want to be, or want to be capable of, but what I am capable of.

Now, this might be helpful advice to someone who’s looking to regain skills they already had, but for someone just starting out, who feels, like I felt, that he can’t do anything, can’t approach anyone, this would seem like useless advice.

But this is not the case. In fact, it couldn’t be further from the truth. If your baseline is nothing, find the smallest possible level above it, and aim to do that. Hell, it could be asking someone the time, or holding eye contact with a girl. Anything. Take the approach that because you currently have no higher level of potential, you may as well focus on shifting your absolute minimum of ability.

Because step by step, that’s how you go from nothing, to capable. Permanently.

And trust me, no matter how crappy you feel, when your baseline is that, you know you’re okay.

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