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Archives for April 2017

If You Let Them, Your Flaws Will Destroy You

by Visko Matich · Apr 30, 2017

THERE’S A PARADOX  in self-improvement and it goes like this:

You want to improve yourself because you are aware of you flaws and you want to move beyond them. However just as you desire to move beyond your flaws, your conscience makes you painfully aware of when they’re flaring up or exposed, and this drives you to seek an escape. Maybe it’s alcohol; maybe it’s escapism – whatever. You find an escape, and usually, you take it. But this escape, rather than propelling you towards moving beyond your flaws, more often than not keeps you under their influence. Which, because your conscience is always switched on, you feel, and because you feel, you seek another escape.

And so the cycle goes, and so on the stagnation continues.

Instead of improving, you, uh, de-prove.

The rule is a simple one: you cannot escape your conscience. The more your try, the more painful it will become.

So where does that leave you?

You either stay trapped in patterns of self-avoidance, or you do something to alter the cycle. Given you’re here reading some bozo’s self-improvement blog, I’d wager that you’re interested in some kind of answer.

Well…

The answer would seem to be, don’t try to escape. But like most things in life, instead of being simple, it’s actually kind of complex and involves confronting yourself, your shame, and your ugly motivations. And because that’s as fun as it sounds, I have a special system for helping you do it.

I call it ‘the three rules.’ Yeah, I couldn’t think of a special name.

To understand these rules, you just have to understand that when it comes to self-improvement, self-knowledge is the cheat codes that will skyrocket your success. So let’s start…

RULE ONE – YOUR MOTIVATIONS ARE FULL OF SHIT

First, you must understand your flaws. Do you feel shame about your self-worth? Are you insecure? Are you overcompensating? What behaviors of yours are real, and what are false?

The key here is to question what you do and develop an understanding of what motivates you. Do you live a promiscuous life as a result of your lifestyle, opportunities, and high sex drive, or do you pursue one because you believe you have to prove to yourself and others that you can do this? That you aren’t the guy you used to be? And if so, do you want to prove that because deep down you want to prove to yourself that you’re not worthless? (Note: it doesn’t work).

Do you feel you have to lead in your relationship because of some innate understanding of male / female dynamics, or do you feel you have to lead because otherwise you’re inherently unattractive, and you’re afraid you’ll come home to Alexandro the Tennis Coach giving a more thorough private tuition than you’d hoped? And do you fear being inherently unattractive, because you, in fact, believe you already are and are desperate to your partner from realizing this?

Do you feel you have to socially charismatic because of an understanding of influence and how to present your personality well? Or do you feel you have to be charismatic because you’re vain, and desperately don’t want to be made fun of because deep down, you think you’re a loser?

It could be anything. The main thing is that you dig and you dig and you dig until you uncover the root. You uncover the motivations behind your behavior so that you can then understand why you act the way you act and more importantly, how your flaws make you vulnerable, and how they influence you when you feel vulnerable.

RULE TWO – THE ESCAPE IS THE ENEMY

Second, you must understand how they motivate your escapes. When I started to trying to improve my dating life, I would go out to clubs on my own and hit on girls. I would do this sober, and after a while, I started to see success. I did this because of the belief that the reason I struggled with girls was because of my neediness and resulting anxiety, and that I had to confront these symptoms head on and learn to manage them if I was to have any chance of uh… beating my demon. Yeah, that’s a lame way to say it but that’s how it felt. What happened was that I slowly learned to manage my anxiety and my neediness began to fall away (but also manifest elsewhere), and I began to enjoy having a decent, well above average sex life. Sounds pretty good right?

Not really.

Because as I started getting results, I started getting complacent. And because I got complacent, I started seeking quicker fixes to the nights where I wasn’t quite ‘on it’. Y’know, the nights where I felt like the old me; the ‘loser’. The nights where my anxiety was spiking, and instead of talking and feeling, I was motionless and in my head.

Well luckily, I found the quick fix – Drugs and alcohol, and lots of it.

This was nothing new. I’d felt something I didn’t want to feel, so instead of doing what I did before, and confront it head on, I took a quicker solution, one that promised to get rid of that feeling I didn’t want to feel. The one that promised to shut my conscience up.

I’d been doing this for years in fact. When I was younger, never had a girlfriend, and obsessed with playing video games. Anytime I would reflect on the actual reality of my life, and my conscience would tell me it was dissatisfied, and that I wanted more from myself, and in fact, I should achieve more because I was capable of it – I would instead indulge in escapism. Often video games, often mindless power fantasies (Batman was (is) always a favorite) – the escapism served to offer a feel good escape from reality, one where I had everything I lacked. I would even couple this with music that would feed into the fantasy and nourish the associated mood. And yeah, as you can imagine, this way of living sucked a load of ass.

Because here’s the thing – the desire to escape isn’t always overtly self-destructive, but it’s often an addictive use of time. It can be working out, socializing, anything. The key is the motivation, not the action. Unless you’re shooting heroin, then, well, stop?

But my desire to escape from myself isn’t unique. People try to drink their anxiety away all the time. Smokers are no different. Television is binged watched the point where scientists believe people develop relationships with the characters, and people are so dissatisfied with the silence of their own minds that they blast an almost constant stream of audio and video media directly into it.

If the first rule asks us why we are flawed, this rule asks us how we escape. Because it is in these escapes that we hinder ourselves from ever moving beyond on flaws, and often, force us into self-destructive habits, like substance abuse or binge watching garbage that turns your brain into mashed potato.

When you’re mindful of why you feel your flaws, and how they are triggered (almost always by other people), you can begin to become aware of how it is that you are seeking to escape from them. And once we’ve spotted our escapes, then we can begin to start making better choices.

RULE THREE – MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE

The third rule is this – don’t avoid your conscience, listen to it instead. When you’ve begun to excessively drink, ask yourself why? If you’re 8 hours into a Netflix marathon, ask yourself why? If you’re beating off to pornos that look like your ex-girlfriend, ask yourself why?

Is it because you genuinely want to, or is it because you’re avoiding something. The fact you find approaching scary, the fact you have work to do that’s really important, or the fact that you’re still the same guy who lost her. It could be anything. But the main thing is that you spot, you decide whether it’s an escape or not, and if it is, you shut it down, and listen to your conscience.

Scared to approach? Put the drink down, sack up and approach.

Avoiding the work you have to do? Switch off the latest Game of Thrones beheading, and do your work.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a prophecy about me, and I was a badass warrior who got loads of pussy and I had a fuckin badass dragon and…. yeah, don’t hurt your wrist pal.

Jerking off to porn and thinking about the girl who got away? Close down the Nutella cunnilingus marathon and start taking steps to becoming a better man who’s got a new girl who he can make his own Nutella cunnilingus marathons with.

Or more simply, stop letting yourself stagnate, and start doing something. Right now.

CHOOSING TO CHANGE

NLP and neuroplasticity hinge on the idea that you spot your behaviors, and you rewire new, more desirable behaviors. This article is about becoming aware of your shitty self-sabotaging behaviors and rewiring new ones instead.

At a basic level, it’s a choice. Once you’re aware, you either do it or don’t. You either rewire new behaviors or reinforce old ones.

Escapes are about relying on something other than yourself. They’re about shirking the responsibility you have for your own life.

And more often than not, they’re about letting your flaws destroy you, and your potential sail away.

—

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WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

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Filed Under: Archives, Dating Advice For Men, Life Advice & Personal Development Tagged With: Achievement, Anxiety, Comfort zone, Courage, Dating, Emotions, Fear, Goals, Identity, Life, Life Experience, Personal Development, Procrastination, Self Help, Self Improvement, Success, Uncertainty

Changing Who You Are Isn’t Going To Improve Your Dating Life

by Visko Matich · Apr 16, 2017

ONE OF THE BIGGEST mistakes I made when trying to improve my dating life was that I believed that in order to change my results and get what I wanted, I had to become a different person. I had to alter my personality.

This is often true when we set ourselves goals, especially social ones – our goal is so fundamentally linked to changing how we feel about ourselves, that we feel in order to achieve it, we must change who we are.

But this is never the case. There is simply the goal and then there is you.

The reason we confuse the two is that we don’t believe we are enough as we are. We believe there is something fundamentally wrong with our identity which makes us unattractive. We believe that we need to hide who we are, in order to appear to others a certain way.

A lot of guys want to go out and hit on girls in bars and clubs, not because this is an effective way of meeting people, but because they want to prove to themselves that they can, they want to prove that they are not the person they feel they are – and in order to do this, they pretend to be something they’re not.

Think about that for a second: we want to appear to others a certain way, in order to get something we want, in order to change the way we feel about ourselves.

Not only is this a terrible way of dealing with your emotional issues, it’s also a recipe for a terrible dating life.

Who we are; who we want to be, what we do and who we want to be perceived as are all different things that exert a force on the decisions we make in the world. When we undervalue our perception of ourselves, overvalue other’s perception of us, or misperceive who we need to be – we warp our actions in an attempt to control who we are.

This behavior only magnifies the confused and disparate nature of our identity, leaving it fragile, and like any façade, easy to pull down.

In seduction, this is when a guy gets a girl by pretending to be something, only for her to realise that it’s all a load of bullshit a week later or it’s the guy who ends up losing a girl who already liked him, because she felt smothered by his efforts to be someone he thinks she’d like.

The truth is that who we are exists in a moment by moment basis. It carries our experiences throughout our lives up until that point, but it doesn’t exist in those moments, or in future moments. We aren’t who we think we are, and we aren’t who we want to be. We’re simply an individual, interacting with someone else on an emotional and intellectual level.

Recognizing this, and acting on it, is called being yourself. It is the right choice, as it is the most confident, authentic, and real version of yourself, and exists in parallel to game.

The two do not mix.

There is nothing about your identity that needs to be in place in order for you to have a good dating life, you just need consistently move through the process of game.

Note that the identity column is blank. This is because it can be filled with anything, even the counter-intuitive stuff. Campy? Effeminate? Goofy? I have seen all of these things regularly succeed when paired with consistent game.

But suave and charming with weak game? Good company that never went anywhere.

Instead of viewing the above diagram as how it should be, guys often view it as it appears below.

With traits like ‘being cool’ or ‘indifferent’ entering into their idea of what constitutes a successful process.

But here’s the thing: attempting to be more attractive is fundamentally unattractive. It is in itself dependent on someone else’s perception of you, and by extension needy. It needs to be validated. You need to be validated.

Pretending to be cool, isn’t cool. Feigning indifference isn’t indifference. It’s just confused.

The only reason you would enter foreign elements into your personality is if you aren’t comfortable with people not liking you. Whether it’s sex, or social validation, whatever it is, something about you is dependent on them liking you.

Ask yourself, does that sound confident? Does that sound like a happy way to live? Is the right way to live dependent on the opinions of others, or does it exist entirely on its own?

Allowing yourself to express yourself naturally, without a desire to ‘be’ anything and naturally allowing yourself to move through the process of game, and having the confidence to back yourself through that process – this naturally leads to a comfort with your identity (read: coolness) and lack of caring what people think of your identity (read: indifference).

Allowing game to move through its process, without confusing it with your identity, naturally lends itself to confident, attractive behavior.

The very things you want to pretend to have, you’ve actually had all along, and all it takes to have them is a little confrontation of anxiety and a little embrace of your personality.

As you approach, you say something based on how you feel, or what you observe. When you connect, you express what you genuinely want to know and what you genuinely like about the other person. When you escalate, it’s based on how you want to express your sexuality in that moment – whether its aggressive or subtle, all that matters is that it’s you, and it’s reciprocated.

And here’s the thing: focusing on the process actually changes you because it exposes you to your anxiety and fear, and through exposure, gives you more comfort in accepting who you are, and what you want to do.

The paradox is that by not trying to change who you fundamentally are, you end up seeing the most change.

It is the misunderstanding of this that results in zero change of ability, and instead, a desperate scramble to be perceived as changed and capable.


The actual elements that compose game are so simple that they should be completely invisible. The two do not mix. You’re okay as you are. Just trust the process and move through it.

Approach, connect, escalate, close

These are the elements that you need to remember. Note how there’s nothing complicated there?  You don’t need to memorize a lot of things to do. The structure of a seduction is incredibly, incredibly simple, and if you do all of the above elements with a receptive woman – guess what, you’ve got yourself a result.

So why do guys focus so much on techniques?

I believe the desire comes from not believing that they are inherently enough to ‘get the girl’. Because of this lack of belief, they try to simulate someone who they believe is enough. This is why a lot of game techniques come off as fake, or inauthentic or overcompensating; because these techniques are all three.

But the structure of seduction remains unchanged. The rest that you bring is just your well-adjusted personality.

When guys confuse the structure of game with their identity, they begin to attempt to take on traits that they believe are necessary to the structure of seduction; traits that they believe they cannot get their result without.

This is not the case.

The structure of a seduction is the structure of a seduction. It doesn’t change. It just goes quicker, or slower.

When I was younger and I had a bad night out and came home empty handed, I would often chastise myself for not being suave or cool or charming enough – when in reality, none of this had anything to do with my results, the reason I came home empty handed was because I hadn’t actually talked to any girls.

It sounds stupid – but you wouldn’t believe how many guys fall into this trap.

Who you are, your identity is who you interact with people from. It is the collection of everything that composes you, and when it is well adjusted, emotionally well-rounded, and capable of managing anxiety, it is the personality that interacts with the world, and in this case, women. No part of your personality is a technique; no part of your personality is there because of the structure of game. Your personality is your personality, and the structure of game is the structure of game. The two are independent.

The former is you, and the latter guides you to your goal.

Understanding this divide will skyrocket your results; not just in game, but in life in general.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s over 8 hours of video content, 30 lessons, and over 80 exercises. It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

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Filed Under: Archives, Best Articles, Dating Advice For Men, Life Advice & Personal Development Tagged With: Achievement, Anxiety, Certainty, Charisma, Comfort zone, Conversation, Courage, Dating, Emotions, Fear, Game, Identity, Life, Life Experience, Neediness, Personal Development, Process, Psychology, Relationships, Sex, Social Skills, Women

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