Archives for August 2016

The Status Obsession – Why Our Desire To Be ‘Top Of The Pile’ Is Completely Misunderstood

by Visko Matich · Aug 21, 2016

IN THE EARLY NINETEEN SIXTIES , an enterprising young scientist named Jane Goodall ventured into the jungled hills flanking Lake Tanganyika to spearhead a primatological study of Chimpanzees. Living within a troop, Goodall eschewed the formal traditions of scientific study and opted for names instead of numbers, donating close attention to the personalities and quirks of the individual chimpanzees. Within the scope of this more personal observation of our closest relatives, she discovered that Chimpanzee’s had enormously complex and vast social customs and relationships, that they would often employ tools to aid their survival (until then thought unique only to humans) and that like us, they are capable of “rational thought and emotions like joy and sorrow”. Through her study, the Chimpanzee was elevated to a level of understanding that helped us understand the roots of our own social behaviour and identity. Beyond the complexities of being human, the chimpanzee was the face that stared back in the mirror.

But not all of her findings were as comforting.

Alongside their elations of joy and love, Chimpanzees were prone to acts of murder and sadism, often for the cause of dominance, either over their peers or another troop. Goodall observed that female matriarchs would frequently murder and, disturbingly, cannibalise young females for no other reason other than to maintain their social dominance. The males, with a far more linear ladder of social dominance, played a game of cunning and oppression, where members used their wits and strength to climb to the seat of alpha male, or viciously maim and kill those who tried. Violence, it appeared, was as common to the chimpanzees as love, and that there was little that Chimps wouldn’t do to their own troop when it came to the pursuit of status.

Writing in her autobiography, Goodall noted “during the first ten years of the study I had believed […] that the Gombe chimpanzees were, for the most part, rather nicer than human beings. […] Then suddenly we found that chimpanzees could be brutal—that they, like us, had a darker side to their nature.”

Like our Chimpanzee relatives, status plays an enormous role in our lives. No doubt that in your own life you have found yourself sat within some level of social ordering, and perhaps uncomfortably, found a lack of respect directed towards you that you feel is unjust. However, within the structure of ordered society, this problem of respect and status cannot be solved through violence and the uncomfortable animal anger you feel towards your position is left with nowhere to go. Vented through a passive aggressive comment, and withheld through pathetic submission, your savage urges are wished away.

Human respect poses a conundrum that cannot be solved through a fist alone. Whilst socially deprived neighbourhoods may find the barrel of a gun a fine instrument of status, your life will doubtful welcome the same solution – but trapped in the game of human social ordering and disrespect, what are you to do? Without the freedom of your more vicious impulses, how can this problem be solved?

The answer lies in the complexity of human respect itself.

Violence, nature’s malformed tool for power does not govern the status of those within the bounds of a developed society. Whilst it can impose itself in times of social unrest or crime, it sits within the periphery, reserved for the psychopathic and antisocial. In your own life, respect and social elevation exist within the embrace of the sheer variety of human activity. And this complexity offers a straightforward, albeit challenging climb.

Respect, you’ll find, is reserved for those who do the things you can’t. Those who shy from confrontation respect the bold and aggressive. Those who stumble with the opposite sex respect those with confidence and sexual charisma. The anatomy of human respect is divided between skill and the ability to tackle our own fears. The former is impressive, the latter, masterful.

Within a collective activity, like for instance, a sport – the most skilled is the most impressive. This is, within that micro-culture, a demonstration of status and worthy respect. Skills, therefore, of any kind lend themselves to status and respect, which are both needs you and I are going to want to pursue. However, skills are secondary tools to meet these needs and falter before the looming presence of fears and anxieties.

Imagine someone who was talented at football, but also rather worthless at confrontation, socially supplicating and anxious, and crippled by the opposite sex. Despite this individual’s talent in a certain field, they would often find themselves inserted into social groups at a certain level, and in turn offered respect only in the context of football. Given human beings nature as a social animal, it is only natural that those who can master those elements can glide through the rungs of status. A shallow truth, but a truth none the less.

This is why anxious people find it so hard to get respect. All the books on boundary setting and self-confidence are empty prayers if you cannot do anything that people struggle to do. This is an uncomfortable reality, but a necessary one – a reality of our social hierarchy that actively, by its nature, motivates us to push the boundaries of what we think we’re capable of and expand what we achieve. As Joseph Campbell said, the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. If you want more respect for yourself and from others, then you have to start doing the things you don’t believe you can, and that other people shy away and hide from.

Now, you’ll probably feel a pang of fright at the thought that the thing you don’t want to do is in fact, the exact thing you have to do. But the spectrum of social respect and status is actually, once skill has been stripped away, a narrow and linear climb. When you’re taking the first step towards confrontation, towards the object of social or sexual anxiety, and others are peeling off or slow to act, you’ll find that the conundrum of respect is less microprocessor complex and more on-off switch.

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The Staggering Power of Feeling Shit About Yourself

by Visko Matich · Aug 16, 2016

NOW I IMAGINE that as you go about your day to day affairs that a selection of your pursuits, ambitions and desires are met with rebuttals and dissuasion from that thing inside your head. A vague name, but rightfully so – the word ‘conscience’ doesn’t really do the job; suffering from the same ailment as ‘spirit’, there seems to be too much inherent moral goodness implied. The voice, however, in many cases is indifferent, and is what can only be described as a witness to our actions. It, like us, is well aware of our intentions, wants and desires – so when our behaviours and choices run contrary to these, the voice is always sure to pipe up and let us know.

The insecure among you, myself included, naturally come to the conclusion that this voice, this internal critic, and judge, is a condition afflicted upon the weak alone; that the strong and prosperous among us, the ones glimpsed through the Instagram mirage, are spared this affliction and instead tap into a wellspring of confidence and sure-footedness the likes of which we can only dream.

Of course, this belief is nonsense.

Socrates, one of the finest men to have ever (possibly) lived, referred to this inner voice as his ‘daemon’ – an otherworldly figure that acted as a guide throughout his life, visiting him through a voice that only he could experience. But this spectre wasn’t unique to him, nor the insecure. When the veil of superiority is pulled aside, the common internal battle is revealed to be not reserved for the weak, but rather common to all; the politicians, celebrities, Instagram sensations, the kings, the queens, the emperors and the dictators – their superiority has all the reality of a circus mirror. Without exception, all have that quiet, persistent and all too human voice that whispers that they ‘aren’t enough’ and they will soon be exposed to be the same fallible mammal that they reign over; an expose, which for the aristocratic, is historically never a bloodless affair.

In the culture of appearances, it’s easy to be deceived. As I stated in the beginning, if you take a keen eye to any day of your life, I think you’ll find yourself dogged by shame and offered a platter of missed opportunities to regret. No doubt these experiences are followed by swift self-assessments, sour emotions and promises to do better next time; a striving against ever feeling this way again – a resolve to avoid or conquer. But what if this is something that cannot be overcome, cannot be defeated, cannot be avoided, and in fact is as much a part of us as an arm or leg?

Consider perhaps, that maybe this conflict within is essential to life – which, in fact, thrives on conflict itself. Consider that these droughts of happiness and contentment aren’t affirmations of your inferiority, but in fact just living. I’m often desperately insecure, brutally self-conscious and agonizingly self-critical. And yet, I’ve done plenty that many would claim are acts reserved for the confident. I’ve also done plenty that were weak. In both instances, the feeling was the same.

At the heart of all us, there is a lack, a thing we feel is missing – maybe a sense of loneliness, or worthlessness or lack of belonging; a feeling of being ‘out of sorts.’ But this is a necessary evil. The rhythms of this feeling and its internal spokesman act to thrust us towards connection, towards others, and towards the striving that will achieve our desires. The theatre of battle in our heads is less a sign of how worthless we are and more a constant reminder of our slightest missteps, the slightest incongruences between our thought and action – a repeated call to realign the compass and take charge of our life’s direction. Like the greatest of friends, it offers the most painful of advice – which is often exactly what we needed to hear.

When we truly aren’t enough, it tells us exactly that.

But there’s a growing resistance to this all too human ally. You needn’t be a sleuth to determine who among you cannot withstand the batterings of the eternal, internal opponent. Look no further than the surge of social movement and outcry that gave rise to identity politics. No longer is the fight yours to wage, but now its societies as well. You’ll forgive me if I throw in the towel on that one. I’m sure there’s a scale-skinned politician who can fight that cause for you. But of course, this new effort to shape the world into a cushion is a Sisyphean task. And rightfully so, the world is no cushion, and the hammer blows of your internal world cannot be parried or countered by society. Outside you may prosper, but inside you’ll be a bloodied heap. The inverse of this dark truth lies at the heart of why men like Primo Levi or Viktor Frankl, who, trapped in the heart of our species most foul fratricide, learned that the internal battle is the one that counts.

Nietzsche wrote of his Superman – the one who had overcome man. But his Superman doesn’t even approach possibility. There is no bridge from Man to Superman. There is only man, trapped in a battle against himself. The idea that Man, the eternal condition of suffering and conflict both external and internal, can be overcome misses the point. You don’t strive to defeat what you are, you strive to listen and figure out where it is you want to go, and how you aren’t getting there. There is no life where you’ll be free from your own inner voice – there is no life where it will cease to be critical. There is no life where it will be bereft of reasons to berate. It will always be there, and it will always be on the attack – because that is precisely the thing that keeps your moving. Comfort spells stagnation, and stagnation festers a slow death. To the well-lived life, the internal battle is the sage companion and the one you cannot do without. So in those moments when you feel beaten down and lost, try to remember:

This suffering is essential. This self-criticism is necessary. Neither can be overcome or avoided – and they never needed to be.

I hope, if nothing else, I can inculcate in you that.

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How To Stop Yourself From Giving Terrible First Impressions

by Visko Matich · Aug 7, 2016

OF ALL THE SOCIAL SKILLS that you can learn, there are few that match the importance or simplicity of the first impression. It is rare among people to find thoughts that go beyond or even question the initial emotional root. What comes first is the feeling, followed swiftly by the rationale – and it is within this flaw that the strength of the first impression lies.

When we are meeting someone for the first time, their conception of us is entirely non-existent until they see us with their eyes, hear us speak and engage with our presence. Therefore, how we carry ourselves in those moments creates, in part, the entire impression they have of us.*

Imagine if you will, you are meeting someone for the first time. They shift into the room, their hunched shoulders drawn into their chest and their face a cast of inexpression, little obscuring the anxious dance of their eyes. When they speak, their voice drowns before it reaches your ears and their handshake has all the life of a corpse. Somewhere in the spectrum of this arid interaction, you would doubtless feel that this person was, to list a few; untrustworthy, unlikeable, unpleasant and unimpressive. This, when coupled with your innate inclination towards confirmation bias, would look for validation of these beliefs in the rest of this persons’ behavior – and this poor, anxious sod would be forever condemned by your brisk and ruthless judgment.*

Now consider instead, meeting the tall, striding newcomer with the firm grip, smiling eyes and the voice that sails across the room. Their face, dressed with emotion has you engaged and intrigued and within seconds you have no doubt decided that this person is likable, attractive, confident and charismatic. And, as with the hapless wreck we met earlier, you would surely look for these beliefs to be validated in the rest of Mr Charming’s behavior – and they would ride on this wind for the rest of the night.

This stuff goes double for meeting women. Especially in the sea.

Now, it would be all too easy to look at each of these examples and conclude that the difference between the two comes down to the innate confidence of each person. Of course, this may be true – but in the grand scheme of first impressions, confidence in itself isn’t actually necessary. What is necessary is one part skill, nine parts letting go of your bullshit. Return to what I mentioned earlier about first impressions being someone’s non-existent idea, upon which your actions impose an idea. First impressions are an empty cup, which our behavior goes to great lengths to fill. And what does this tell us:

If our behavior decides the first impression we give people, then the first impressions we give people tell us an enormous amount about how we’re letting ourselves fall short.
If we’re letting ourselves fall short in our first impressions, then what does this say about what we believe about ourselves?
If our beliefs are negative and are in turn causing us to give off poor first impressions – how well do these beliefs correlate with reality?

Given that anyone can learn to walk with confidence, to speak with clarity, hold eye contact and facially express the emotions of their conversation – I have little interest in writing an article explaining the minutia of that. The practical side of first impressions are as easy as they sound, you simply do them. What I do want to address, though – is why you aren’t already doing these things. Why are you getting in the way of yourself doing something that is incredibly easy?

In a room of people who have no conception of who you are, why are you deciding to act in a way that presents you in a negative, lifeless fashion? Perhaps, could it be that you’re already deciding what these people think of you? That instead of not knowing who you are, that they instead know, as surely as you do, that you are uncharismatic and unlikeable; and that, because of this, you should not do anything to draw attention to yourself?

You see, the art of first impressions has less to do with the actions you take and more to do with the certainties you hold about yourself, and how you carry these certainties with you. The truth of any first impression is that this is the first time this person has met you – there is nothing, absolutely nothing they know about you. And therefore, there is nothing they know about you that makes you unlikeable – except what you bring to them yourself and the actions that follow. The difference between the slovenly corpse-like creature and the force of charisma I described earlier was simply that the former was acting from a place of belief, and the second wasn’t – which allowed him to engage in the skill of socializing freely. A negative belief will make you act negatively, whereas no belief will just as likely make you act with confidence as a confident belief would. This is because instead of focusing on you, you’re focusing on the skill. Which is, if you’re looking for a guide:

Smile.
Strong eye contact.
Firm handshake.
Good posture and gait.
Strong tonality.
Wear your emotions on your face.
Introduce yourself to people. Be the person who does that – as it’s the thing most people can’t.

It is that simple.

You are only what you take with you.

The truth, in any social interaction, is that most people are nervous and unsettled and don’t want attention to be drawn to them, lest they are exposed as the flawed person they are. When you carry your poor beliefs about yourself into this environment, you join the people who drift into the background, leaving a poor impression, or even worse – none at all. But this truth, of universal social discomfort, should be empowering because it makes it all the more simple to be the presence that stands out.

All that’s needed to make a good first impression is to immediately address the first impression you have with yourself. Do you know that you’re unlikeable? Or like the people in the room, do you really have no idea? Accept your nervousness and question your thoughts. Am I unlikeable? Am I unimpressive? Or do these people know nothing about me – and is this a chance to put myself out there – and expose those beliefs for what they really are.

Then you’ll find, that the first step of any first impression, is to have none about yourself.

*An exception to this, of course, would be if they knew of you through a third party. But even then, the same principles still apply.

*See Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink.

WANT A BETTER DATING LIFE?

Yeah, I know. You’ve read enough. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It’s based on years of experience, a library’s worth of scientific research, and just the right amount of common sense. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself.

CLICK ME!

Archives for August 2016

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