I THINK IT WAS MIKE TYSON who said ‘everyone has a plan until they’ve been punched in the face.’
Well I’m here to say:
Everyone has a sense of themselves until they feel a strong emotion.
Nowhere is this truer than when you throw attraction into the mix. If you could listen to collected souls of humanity, the single message that would echo out would scream:
“Does he/she like me?”
The sad truth about being human is that so much of our sense of self-worth is tied to the people we’re attracted to. Just as we desire them, we desire that they desire us. We desire that they affirm who we are as attractive and worthwhile.
And it is in this desire, that we cause all of our fucking problems.
When your sense of personal worth is based on the opinions of another person, this causes your behavior to warp in ways that actively make you less likely to even see the validation you crave.
Because guess what, being needy is unattractive, and causes people to step all over you, look past you, and not recognize you for what you are.
We often think that we just want to fuck; but more often than not, the desire to fuck brings with it so many fucking problems™ that just being honest about it gets rid of most of the issues before they even start.
Desiring someone is an emotional process, not a logical one.
But there is a solution.
And it goes something like this…
STEP ONE: A SHARP DRESSED MAN, AND OTHER THINGS
No, the other thing isn’t a bike. But it helps.
When I started out in self-improvement, I was obsessed with making myself better. Any edge I could find, any trick I could use. But because I was young and didn’t understand myself; I was improving myself for the outcome of being attractive. I was doing it so that people would like me more, and that women would find me more attractive, and that ultimately I’d like myself.
Because y’know, I thought I was a piece of shit loser deep down.
So yeah, I improved for other people. I tried to become more attractive. Because I needed that. My self-esteem needed it. I needed someone else, someone outside of me, to affirm that I wasn’t worthless. And it didn’t matter how much evidence I got that said I wasn’t, I kept having to pursue more. More outcomes, more validation; more neediness.
I wasn’t developing for me, I was developing for everyone else.
And that is fundamentally unattractive.
In my article, The Fundamental Characteristics Of The Attractive Man, I went through the key desirable characteristics that women found sought in men, ranging from courage to having his shit together, and then explained why in some way shape or form, they all related to the man not trying to be attractive to her, but instead improving and developing his life for himself.
This simple, self-serving trait, underpinned it all.
If I were to say to you, ‘Hey, if you want to be attractive, just be attractive!’, you’d probably roll your eyes or think I was a moron, and you’d probably be right – because of that phrase, on its own, is entirely useless.
But also entirely true.
Make sure to drive a pretentious car.
When men conceive of attraction, they think of a tall guy, with big muscles, a chiseled face and a dick like the snake from Anaconda. Now whilst that guy would probably do pretty well with the ladies, he, on his own, does not encompass being attractive, in fact, he misses positive traits and potentially includes one’s that could be incredibly unattractive. A man who looked exactly as described but was a sniveling coward would do a lot to kill his chances.
The problem with perceiving attraction like this is that it:
- It tells you that if you don’t look like that then you’re not good enough.
- It tells you that should emulate the behavior of guys who look like that.
A is needlessly limiting and B is a chronic misstep. Attraction isn’t about trying to be attractive, it’s about being attractive.
It’s about taking care of your body because you respect it, rather than getting big muscles to impress. It’s about pursuing the career you want, rather than telling her how successful you are. It’s about dressing well, and grooming well, because you take pride in your appearance, rather than being scared you’re not good looking enough.
It’s about taking care of you, for you. It has nothing to do with her.
STEP TWO: PAGING DR FREUD AND AROUSING AROUSAL
Maybe she can heal my mommy issues…
When we’re children, we seek the love and approval of one parent over the other. Not because we like one more, but because that’s where our need for love is focused. In my own boyhood, I was always more invested in my mothers’ love than my father’s.
My father was consistent, he kept firm discipline, but also genuinely enjoyed my personality and knew how to manage me. Having ADHD, I was extremely wild and hyperactive, but also painfully shy to people’s disapproval.
So as you can imagine, for my mother, this was a nightmare, and for little kid me, it was even worse. I’d do something bad because I had too much energy, she’d shame me for it, and I’d internalize that she didn’t really love me and that I was unworthy of love.
It was a cycle that really had nothing to do with either of us, taught my subconscious a resonating lesson:
In order to get a woman’s love, you have to not misbehave.
In other words, just about the worst dating advice you could ever fucking receive.
When we internalize messages like this, we begin to live out behaviors that are incompatible with our adult sexuality. And in guys, who grew up raised by mothers whilst their dads were out at the office, this has created an epidemic of Freudian fuckups.
But guess what, it’s easily solvable.
One of the truisms of female attraction is that they are aroused by being arousing. When the guy they like finds them attractive, finds them arousing, this, in turn, arouses them. When the guy they like initiates sexuality, they respond sexually.
And why wouldn’t they? Women put countless hours of effort into their appearance. They take enormous pride in their beauty, the way their clothes fit their bodies, the way they use makeup to accentuate their natural looks.
What’s with the bottle?
They like to look good, and they find the affirmation of this arousing. The reality of this sexual dynamic is that you have to make a move. And making a move revolves around you taking an action in pursuit of your sexual desire that is based almost entirely on unknowns or intuition.
Like the look of her? Approach.
You like her? Ask her out.
You like her and want to kiss her? Go for the kiss.
Want to take her back to yours? Say it.
The idea is that you just fucking go for it because, in reality, girls don’t give you much to work with. Often it’s a look, or a change in her behavior, a smile, or just a gut feeling. They give off little signals and you just have to go for it.
Its the modern day equivalent of the 17th centuries’ they drop the glove, you pick it up.
Making a move is so important that sometimes, you can even switch on something that she isn’t aware is there. By which I mean, she might not even think of you as a prospective sexual partner, until you initiate that idea. Just because you aren’t Chad Thundercock doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go for it.
STEP THREE: NICE GUYS BUILD, BAD GUYS BREAK
No, I don’t mean you should destroy their self-esteem.
For the majority of my life, my thinking with women consisted of one repeated mantra, howling in my head.
“God I hope she likes me.”
The difference between a needy guy and a guy who’s good with women is that the guy who’s good with women isn’t afraid of her reactions. In fact, he often says things that invite her dislike.
Just as he’s comfortable building connection and rapport with her, he’s okay with breaking it.
And it is in this breaking it that attraction happens. The spark of conversation. Because it’s in the breaking of connection where two genuine humans are expressing themselves, and playing with each other’s boundaries.
Most guys sit there thinking “like me, like me, like me”, desperately agreeing with everything she says, approving of her, mirroring her emotions and never calling her out on her shit or teasing on her.
They have PHDs in killing sexuality.
I know this because I’ve been that guy. Where you talk and talk and talk, and best case she’s a friend and worse case she’s bored senseless. Then you’re left wondering why, and fantasizing about the romance that could have been, or worse, you end up blaming them for not seeing how great you are and just throwing themselves at you.
It’s not something I’d recommend.
When you learn to manage and let go of your neediness with women, you’ll naturally find yourself in a position of generating attraction. Like any sane human being you’ll be more than capable of genuinely connecting, as you know what you like and you know what motivates you – but because you’re not overly invested in her reactions, you’re also comfortable breaking that connection, by disagreeing with her, expressing your polarising opinions, making fun of her, teasing her.
Y’know, flirting with her.
A good interaction is where this cycles continuously, whilst the sexuality escalates. Connection is about bringing you together, it’s a feeling of ‘I’ve got you’. Attraction is felt when you’re brought apart, it’s a feeling of ‘I want you.’
This is an emotional issue. Remove the neediness, and it’ll all fall into place; when you aren’t scared of losing her, the natural moments of sexual tension will arise. That’s not just a rule for this, but a rule for game in general. It’s emotions that got you here, and it’s only emotions that’ll get you out. Not more validation.
When you seek validation, you seek techniques to see them met. When you get rid of your neediness, the techniques take care of themselves.
Stop clinging on to connection.
YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ARE ALL WRONG
I used to think tough guys got laid all the time until I acted like a dumb kid and my sex life skyrocketed. I used to think funny guys slayed ass like it was going out of fashion; until I was really quiet that one night, and still took her home.
Humour and sexual dimorphism get bandied around like nobodies business. Hell, even I recommend them. But they’re not essential elements of attraction.
They’re supplements. They’re like a boob job or an old man’s dick on viagra. They take what’s there and make it stronger.
But what’s there already is all that’s necessary. I’ve seen too many examples of attraction where neither of these applied – in my own life and in others.
The thing about guys who feel that they need to be funny or masculine in order to get girls is that they feel they need to be something in order to get girls. And what’s worse is, when their humor or tough guy act doesn’t work, they typically blame their lack of humor or toughness on their results.
And so the cycle reinforces itself.
Opt out instead.
STOP HOLDING ON TO YOUR NEEDINESS
When people conceive of attraction, the question is usually ‘is this person attracted to me?’, but in reality, attraction is built upon elements that have little to do with the other person.
- You develop for yourself
- You decide to back yourself and make a move
- You make and break comfort entirely dependent on what it is you think and feel
The less neediness you have and the more you understand your own desires and ambitions, the more you’ll naturally engage with every single step of this process.
I am so confident in this, that I firmly believe that when you understand this – you’ll have absolutely no need to read this or any other piece of dating advice ever again.
When you’ve learned to truly deal with and handle your neediness, you’ll be fine on your own.
Don’t settle for a life where you’re always feeling worthless and like you don’t measure up; take steps to act outside your neediness, to challenge your neediness and instead live in the way that you want to, the way your desires want you to.
Because that is who you are, deep down, the real you.
And who you are is worthwhile. And who you are is attractive.
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